Zee stars, zey shine zo bright!

This would be what most people call a razzing. Personally, I tend to view it more as "lightly enjoying what has been put out for the public to enjoy." Cynical? Yes. A jerk? Perhaps. I look to it more as I'm simply saying what some of you may be thinking. Maybe. And the nominees are:

Best Motion Picture of the Year

This year in Hollywood, we saw the best movie of the year nominations go to Brokeback Mountain, Crash, Capote, Munich and Good Night, and Good Luck, or "gay cowboys," "racism," "non-fiction means that it's not real," "paranoia" and "ZOMG! WHY IS T3H M0VI3 N T3H BLACK N WHIT3?!!!!ELEVEN." If there's any justice in the world, then Capote will go home with the gold guy. If there's any rational thought in the world, then the steaming pile of pretention will go home empty handed; however, given that controversy tends to breed praise (see Farenheit 9/11), don't be surprised if Brokeback Mountain takes home the award.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role

Philip Seymour Hoffman (Capote) has finally gotten a nominee, about 3 millions years too late. Heath Ledger (Brokeback Mountain) showed major balls for playing a gay cowboy (ba-zing), and it's a major departure from the paycheck performance that he, Matt Damon, and Terry Gilliam got for The Brothers Grimm. Johnny Cash channeled the the spirit of Joaquin Phoenix in Walk the Line. David Strathairn from Good Night, and Good Luck was a cast member of a movie that I fell in love with. Unfortunately, the award should rightfully go to Terrence Howard for his role as Djay, a pimp with higher dreams that's grounded in reality in Hustle and Flow. You may not agree with the subject. You may not agree with the actor. It doesn't matter. Howard gave the most moving performance of the year, hands down. Word.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role

Out of the movies found in this category, I was only able to see Reese Witherspoon in Walk the Line. Given what I saw, I won't be surprised at all if she wins the award, but I will be disappointed in the academy.

Best Animated Feature Film of the Year

I've always had a soft spot for animated films, and the nominees for this year were solid. Tim Burton is one of my favorite directors of all time, and even though I've always been a big fan of stop-motion animation (Harryhausen is god), I found The Corpse Bride a bit lacking (though with a run time of not too much over an hour, I suppose that's not exactly surprising). Hayao Miyazaki is a revolutionary director (I will go on record as saying that Spirited Away does the story of Alice and Wonderland better than Through the Looking Glass); however, Howl's Moving Castle was just a solid movie. It wasn't great. That honor belongs to Wallace and Gromit in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit, delivered to us by Steve Box and Nick Park. Sorry McBournie, but this was one of the best movies of 2005, and the tragedy that happened to the studios of Box and Park only makes the joy of this movie that much more poignant, as it may never occur again.

Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Song

I have no idea who Michael Becker or Kathleen York are. Dolly Parton makes my ears bleed. Jordan Houston, Cedric Coleman, and Paul Beauregard deserve to win the Oscar simply because their nomination, "It's Hard Out Here For a Pimp," is exactly what the title states-a pimp stuck in the run down section of Memphis. That oughta put a little starch in the shorts of the old honkeys on the judging committee.
And there you have it-my unabashed picks for the Oscars. Granted, I didn't actually cover them all, much less the fact that you may not even see the last two on the air. But then again, that's why I get paid the big bucks to write these things.

Wait a minute, what money?