MasterChugs Theater: 'Samurai Cop'

Let's get this out early-Samurai Cop is not what one might call a good movie. By no means is it a good movie. It's a funny movie to watch but only because it is so horrible. The dialogue, the production values, the acting, the music, the editing, you name it and it will make you laugh. What does that yield? A movie that's surprisingly not from C'thulu's womb itself. Well, maybe.

Lead Matt Hannon, apparently a onetime bodyguard for Sylvester Stallone, gives an incredibly one-dimensional performance, mostly relying on his hair to convey his emotions. His follicles creates a problem due to Hannon apparently cutting his hair halfway through shooting and is forced to wear the funniest dime-store woman’s wig ever during huge chunks of the film. The sheer fact that he fails to ever show a single emotion (outside of his hair) is a monumental achievement in itself. The fact that no one on set even bothered to mention this to him is even better. It might be safe to guess that the producers felt his tanned and chiseled body (along with the aforementioned hair) would do all the talking, unfortunately, this creates yet another problem when the male star’s swimsuit is skimpier than his female co-star's.

Samurai Cop was written and directed by Iranian expat Armir Shervan, who helmed two other ultra-low budget action flicks in the late '80s before disappearing — along with his movies — into obscurity. In his only film appearance, Hannon stars as Joe Marshall, a maverick undercover policeman who was trained in the way of the samurai by the greatest martial arts masters of Japan. Teamed with his wisecracking black partner, Frank, Joe takes on and takes down the ruthless criminal gang of Mr. Fujiyama, a transplanted yakuza who barks or growls every line of his dialog. Fujiyama's gang seems to consist of about eight members; one of 'em's a redheaded femme fatale (played by "Cameron"-to use an expression, that's all she wrote) whose only apparent function in the organization is to say "The boss is coming" (or a variant thereof) and get naked. Robert Z'Dar, cult joke of the movie industry, is Fujiyama's psycho enforcer, another American "samurai" who wants a showdown with Joe to prove the superiority of his skills. As for our heroes, tanned and buff Joe strips down to his thong briefs to simulate humping a couple of shapely blondes (one of whom he picks up at church); when not clumsily edited in to Joe's scenes, Frank almost has his "black gift" cut off and gets to shoot a few of the bad guys. Direct-to-video scream queen Melissa Moore provides some of the film's requisite nudity. She plays one of Joe's girlfriends, eventually tortured by Z'Dar's character by having a pan of hot bacon grease slowly poured on her.

High concept movies can sometimes work if you don't think too much about it; Snakes on a Plane proved this. The high concept of Lethal Weapon meets martial arts didn't work for Lethal Weapon 4, and this movie predates it! To use a wise proverb, the movie "is what it is". You can't really describe the movie any further because of the brain hemmorage that will take place. Establishing shots don't even begin to happen. Samurai Cop is an absolutely horrible movie, but you'll a ball just watching it. If you can find it, do so and watch it. Cult movie critic, Joe Bob Briggs, has an audio commentary on the disc, and it only makes the movie that much more awesome. Super incredibly bad awesome, that is.