MasterChugs Theater: 'Transformers: The Movie' (1986)

Straight up front, I won't lie to any of you--this is one of my most difficult reviews to write. Let it be known first of all that I'm a total fan of the Transformers (dork, nerd, and geek cred has now been established). I can easily name any of the characters released as toys in the seven years of "Generation 1." I own complete volumes of all of the shows on DVD. I can identify episode synopses, continuity errors, and animation gaffs within seconds. That's why it's a little hard to say this: this movie isn't that great. It's not horrible, but it's certainly not "Citizen Kane."

Set in 2005 (a considerable way into the future at the time), the original Transformers: The Movie plunges headfirst into the age-old civil war raging between the goody-goody Autobots and the nasty-pieces-of-work that are the Decepticons. Unicron (voiced by both Orson Welles and Leonard Nimoy due to Welles passing away during production), a giant Rik Waller of a robot who scoffs entire planets where the rest of us would settle for a kebab, is treating the galaxy like a giant all-you-can-eat buffet. The only thing that'll stop him in his glutinous tracks is the Autobot Matrix of Leadership--but can the Autobots use it to fill their requisite quota of good before Galvatron, a Nimoy-voiced Decepticon leader, fulfills a few plans of his own?

Of course they can, but not without traumatizing zillions of youngsters in the 80s. Gigantic spoiler alert: Optimus Prime, the big red and blue truck that pledged freedom for all people (but has no problem falling into a trap where he's then disassembled into a red and blue robotic alligator that attacks his own soldiers), is killed in battle with his nemesis Megatron (the guy that turned into a gun and thus spurred the urban legend that a cop killed a kid because of his toy) early on in the movie. If you were a male between the ages of 3 and 11 when you saw this movie in the theater and didn't cry when this scene happened, I'd like to congratulate you on your title of New Hitler. That's also what set this movie apart from the show: it was definitely a big budget movie. With voice talent like Nimoy, Welles, Judd Nelson, Robert Stack and Eric Idle, cleaner animation than the show, excised curse words at times, and the deaths of multiple robots, this was set to clean out at the theaters. Story wise ... not so much; however, it's what's to be expected from a series about giant robots stomping around that's used to sell toys to children.

Transformers: The Movie is, at its core, a glorified toy commercial. If you were, or still are into Transformers, then you must have seen this film already. Therefore you don’t need me to tell you to see it again because you probably own a copy and have probably already seen it 10,000 times. If you like anime films and haven’t seen this one, I do suggest you check it out. Even for non-Transformers junkies, this is should be a fun ride. But I think the people that grew up with Transformers will get the biggest kick out of this. This one was made for the fans (so we could buy more toys ... but who cares) and only the fans will be able to appreciate it to its fullest. Still, that's not a bad thing, as long they take showers regularly. For the casual fans, just go into it with some friends, make fun of stuff, and just revisit nostalgia.

While you're also checking out movies about giant robots blowing things up, check out Michael Bay's Transformers opening in theaters on Tuesday, July 3 (though there are reports of it opening in select areas the night of Monday, July 2). Like it's animated predecessor, don't go into the movie expecting some cinematic beauty, but just a really awesome action movie, and you can't really go wrong. It's got this Transfan's early on seal of approval. And yes, I can totally answer your nerdy questions, obviously.