MasterChugs Theater: 'Jack Frost'
Greetings once again to a very special MasterChugs Theater! Why is it special? Because March is Movie Mort Month! So, what qualifies a movie to be a mort for these reviews? Well, it can't be anything from Nu Image--that's just too easy. Movies involving Gary Busey sadly can't be included for obvious reasons as well. Instead, it's gotta be special ... and yes, I don't mean child math genius special. With that said, we've got a very special one this week. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, Jack Frost!
First of all, don't get Jack Frost confused with the sappy father-son flop starring Michael Keaton. You can't miss this title on the rental shelves, as it has one of those "morphing" pictures that changes when you move from side to side, going from an innocent snowman to a killer snowman that looks nothing like what's in the movie.
The story? A serial killer, on his way to execution, gets involved in a car crash with a truck carrying special chemicals. Ho-ho-ho, he becomes a giant snowman bent on getting revenge on the small town sheriff who caught him. Jack Frost has the ability to use water and his snowman powers to kill the local inhabitants in various interesting ways.
A common formula for movie making is that when you invest in this fine piece of celluloid craftmanship, you receive a fine return for your investment. A snowman with arms and fangs! Shannon Elizabeth having weird sex with said snowman! A kid who concocts lethal oatmeal! A town so full of morons that the streets are lined with rubber to save costs! Bad puns and snowman decorations everywhere! Hair dryers as weapons! Yes, every statement I've just made about the movie is true! Yes, I like exclamation marks! No, it still can't redeem this movie!
Okay now, Horror Flick 101: One false ending is allowed (in fact, it's practically required); two you can get away with if you do it well; but three is just plain annoying. Not one thing about this movie works, from the stale acting (Shannon Elizabeth, you can't ride on the coattails of your breasts forever), to the SNES SuperFX chip era CGI, to the incomprehensible lack of plot. The next time your family lets you choose the traditional Christmas movie, take my advice: don't play this one. You pop this in and expect to get banned from every family gathering for the next ten years.
First of all, don't get Jack Frost confused with the sappy father-son flop starring Michael Keaton. You can't miss this title on the rental shelves, as it has one of those "morphing" pictures that changes when you move from side to side, going from an innocent snowman to a killer snowman that looks nothing like what's in the movie.
The story? A serial killer, on his way to execution, gets involved in a car crash with a truck carrying special chemicals. Ho-ho-ho, he becomes a giant snowman bent on getting revenge on the small town sheriff who caught him. Jack Frost has the ability to use water and his snowman powers to kill the local inhabitants in various interesting ways.
A common formula for movie making is that when you invest in this fine piece of celluloid craftmanship, you receive a fine return for your investment. A snowman with arms and fangs! Shannon Elizabeth having weird sex with said snowman! A kid who concocts lethal oatmeal! A town so full of morons that the streets are lined with rubber to save costs! Bad puns and snowman decorations everywhere! Hair dryers as weapons! Yes, every statement I've just made about the movie is true! Yes, I like exclamation marks! No, it still can't redeem this movie!
Okay now, Horror Flick 101: One false ending is allowed (in fact, it's practically required); two you can get away with if you do it well; but three is just plain annoying. Not one thing about this movie works, from the stale acting (Shannon Elizabeth, you can't ride on the coattails of your breasts forever), to the SNES SuperFX chip era CGI, to the incomprehensible lack of plot. The next time your family lets you choose the traditional Christmas movie, take my advice: don't play this one. You pop this in and expect to get banned from every family gathering for the next ten years.
Labels: MasterChugs Theater
posted by Chris 'Chugs' Taylor at
5:16 PM
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