MasterChugs Theater: 'Timeline'
First off, let me preface this review with a wish: happy birthday Alicia!
OK, with that said, hold on tight everyone--we've now reached the nadir of cinema. Yes, this movie would assuredly be labeled by myself as The Worst Movie of All Time. Granted, to those that know me, this probably isn't too much of a surprise, though at least now I have a soapbox upon which to rant. Cower in fear as the the fifth horsemen of the apocalypse, Timeline, comes to destroy your eyes.
Where does one even start with a movie this bad? Well, let's try with an attempt at simplifying the plot. It starts with a bunch of archeology students doing an excavation in France. Back in New Mexico, the dig sponsor, a monopolizing computer company (totally and clearly not an analogy for Microsoft at all) has created a 3D fax machine, using harnessed cellular energy, which can zap parcels anywhere in the world. One of the glitches is that somehow the project has tapped into a wormhole that--surprise, surprise--leads back several centuries to the same village in medieval France. Great. Now, not only do you have to worry that cell phones cause brain cancer, but also that they will land you in the middle of the Hundred Years War. The professor overseeing the archaeological dig gets swallowed down the wormhole, trapped in the Middle Ages, and his students have exactly six hours to fight flaming arrows, rescue maidens and, oh yeah, bring him back to 2003. The whole moral aspect of time travel--the potential for altering the future--is virtually ignored.
OK, let's take a quick look at the factors for this movie: Richard Donner directing, Gerard Butler and Billy Connelly acting. This is Superman, Lethal Weapon, Scrooged, and The Goonies Richard Donner. Gerard Butler of recent 300 fame. Incredibly underrated character actor Billy Connelly. How can it go wrong?
OH YEAH, I forgot one other factor: Paul Walker. Paul "Emoting emotions while acting only wastes time, brah" Walker. Why won't he go away? Oh yeah, he's pretty. I forgot. Look, I'm not saying Timeline would be a good movie without him. With or without him it's still frighteningly bad. But removing him from this movie could only make it better.
Maybe it would have helped had Butler, not Walker, been cast in the film's leading role. Sadly, that was not to be. Walker is the focus of this abortive epic and succeeds in surprising even me, an avowed Walker hater, with his absolute inability to act. Walker is so incompetent, that he can't manage to iron a shirt convincingly. When faced with this challenge he lifts the iron above the shirt and flings his arms from side to side, delivering what can only be described as his interpretation of a six-year-old girl playing house. When called upon to speak, he, more than anyone else goes out of his way to run roughshod over his fellows dialog, cheapening even the film's most sincere moments with flatly regurgitated words that would sound better had they been read off a cue card by a beer swilling construction worker. Walker delivers every botched line, every hideous piece of rotting stinking dialog with complete idiot sincerity. Either he's too stupid to know just how bad he is, or he's so busy being a Hollywood uber-hunk he just doesn't care. The only bright light in Timeline is that when the movie flops as hard as it must, perhaps it will be Walker's empty-headed career which takes the fall.
When all is said and done, all I kept thinking about was how nice it must have been for the actors to get paid for playing childhood dress up games. While the sets and effects and scenery are most impressive, the clothes look like they came right out of a downtown rental agency specializing in medieval haute couture. Well, I guess it is better than wearing my grandmother’s hand-me-downs. No, I take that back-I'd much rather wear the granny panties. A totally unredeemable film.
OK, with that said, hold on tight everyone--we've now reached the nadir of cinema. Yes, this movie would assuredly be labeled by myself as The Worst Movie of All Time. Granted, to those that know me, this probably isn't too much of a surprise, though at least now I have a soapbox upon which to rant. Cower in fear as the the fifth horsemen of the apocalypse, Timeline, comes to destroy your eyes.
Where does one even start with a movie this bad? Well, let's try with an attempt at simplifying the plot. It starts with a bunch of archeology students doing an excavation in France. Back in New Mexico, the dig sponsor, a monopolizing computer company (totally and clearly not an analogy for Microsoft at all) has created a 3D fax machine, using harnessed cellular energy, which can zap parcels anywhere in the world. One of the glitches is that somehow the project has tapped into a wormhole that--surprise, surprise--leads back several centuries to the same village in medieval France. Great. Now, not only do you have to worry that cell phones cause brain cancer, but also that they will land you in the middle of the Hundred Years War. The professor overseeing the archaeological dig gets swallowed down the wormhole, trapped in the Middle Ages, and his students have exactly six hours to fight flaming arrows, rescue maidens and, oh yeah, bring him back to 2003. The whole moral aspect of time travel--the potential for altering the future--is virtually ignored.
OK, let's take a quick look at the factors for this movie: Richard Donner directing, Gerard Butler and Billy Connelly acting. This is Superman, Lethal Weapon, Scrooged, and The Goonies Richard Donner. Gerard Butler of recent 300 fame. Incredibly underrated character actor Billy Connelly. How can it go wrong?
OH YEAH, I forgot one other factor: Paul Walker. Paul "Emoting emotions while acting only wastes time, brah" Walker. Why won't he go away? Oh yeah, he's pretty. I forgot. Look, I'm not saying Timeline would be a good movie without him. With or without him it's still frighteningly bad. But removing him from this movie could only make it better.
Maybe it would have helped had Butler, not Walker, been cast in the film's leading role. Sadly, that was not to be. Walker is the focus of this abortive epic and succeeds in surprising even me, an avowed Walker hater, with his absolute inability to act. Walker is so incompetent, that he can't manage to iron a shirt convincingly. When faced with this challenge he lifts the iron above the shirt and flings his arms from side to side, delivering what can only be described as his interpretation of a six-year-old girl playing house. When called upon to speak, he, more than anyone else goes out of his way to run roughshod over his fellows dialog, cheapening even the film's most sincere moments with flatly regurgitated words that would sound better had they been read off a cue card by a beer swilling construction worker. Walker delivers every botched line, every hideous piece of rotting stinking dialog with complete idiot sincerity. Either he's too stupid to know just how bad he is, or he's so busy being a Hollywood uber-hunk he just doesn't care. The only bright light in Timeline is that when the movie flops as hard as it must, perhaps it will be Walker's empty-headed career which takes the fall.
When all is said and done, all I kept thinking about was how nice it must have been for the actors to get paid for playing childhood dress up games. While the sets and effects and scenery are most impressive, the clothes look like they came right out of a downtown rental agency specializing in medieval haute couture. Well, I guess it is better than wearing my grandmother’s hand-me-downs. No, I take that back-I'd much rather wear the granny panties. A totally unredeemable film.
Labels: MasterChugs Theater
posted by Chris 'Chugs' Taylor at
5:24 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home