Rename a shark ... and then kill it

Alright, heroes--in particular, the rich ones--this is our chance to make a real difference in the War on Animals.

The so-called scientists and "conservationists" out there have prevented us from making real strides in eradicating dangerous animals by giving them cuddly names like "panda," "squirrel" and "barracuda." It's no wonder that our warriors are maligned in the media with such blatantly propagandistic nomenclature premeating the news.

We need you to bid on naming new species of animals. We'd do it ourselves, but, well, there's not much money made by being the saviors of humanity. (Even Jesus died with nothing to show for his ministry.)

Some suggestions:

• Tastes Great with Red Wine Walking Shark
  
• Lemon-Pepper Fairy Basslet
  
• Family-Devouring Lionfish
  
• Pictichromis Dotty Back That Wants to Willingly Give You AIDS

It's up to us (namely you) to counter the years of aggressive euphemization of the greatest threat to your family and friends. Euthansia, not euphemasia!