On the toad again

Law enforcement is finally going after traitors to the human race and the animals they serve. At long last, cops have realized this is a war taking place inside our very borders and they are getting off their duffs to help us win.

Recently, a man in Kansas City was arrested in a drug bust. He had a Colorado river toad police say he used to get high. The best part about this is that they brought in the toad, too.

Key quote: "Both Theiss and the toad were taken into custody. While Theiss was released on bond, the toad remains detained at a police crime lab."

That's right! "Detain" that toad and all of his buddies. Run all the experiments you want, it's like high school biology all over again, but more fun.

(Courtesy of Courtney P.)

Headline of the Day

Once again, creativity in this crazy war is coming from the South. Why? This blog can only imagine it's because they have guns and a great deal of free time on their hands.

We won't spoil this one for you, but it involves a non-lethal weapon, a high school class and taxidermy. Wait--they teach skills like that in an Arkansas high school? Who would have thought?

Key quote: "'He used the nail gun to, as they say, to dispatch the animal,' Lievsay said. 'It wasn't like he held a nail gun against the head of a cute little animal in front of the class.'"

A potential solution to our problems

As messed up of a place as Florida might be, they do have a good idea every now and then. Recently, they came up with a way to solve two problems currently plaguing humanity with one single step: feed criminals to the animals.

Police were chasing a man they suspected of theft when he drove into a pond. By some miraculous twist of fate, a hungry member of the terrorist organization Al-Igator was waiting in the pond for a snack to come driving by. You can guess how it ended.

Though they may have stumbled across the solution by accident, this could be exactly what could turn the corner in the War on Animals and everyday crime fighting. If it was good enough for the Romans, it should be good enough for us.

(Courtesy of Courtney P.)

Monkeys unionize

Equal pay for equal poo-flinging!

Ladies and gentlemen, I don't have to explain to you just how slippery of a slope this is for us. If the human race can't work together normally, then how can we work together to stop the animal threat if the animals have created labor groups?! What's next, koala teamsters that look cute and cuddly while they gnaw off your kneecaps?

Terms of endeerment

As it gets colder, animals start to hunker down for winter. However, at least one species instead gets randy and feisty this time of year and legally we can't even kill them--yet. The animal I am speaking of, of course, is the deer.

It's not uncommon to hear reports of people hitting deer with their cars, but recently a girl was hit by a deer as she ran in a high school cross country meet. This brutal attack left her largely uninjured, but sore.

We all need to be wary of deer, especially this time of year. Alert reader and Warrior of the Week Shiloh C. found this photo and offered the following insight:

"I think the deer are hoping some idiot will try to jump on the trampoline and thus be stabbed to death without the deer having to work for it."

Well put, Shiloh. Keep your eyes peeled and watch out. Soon enough it will be hunting season.

Not so great white

We've all known for years that sharks are dangerous. Of all the animal kingdom, their faction never liked the uneasy truce that held until the infamous attack of Steve Irwin. They killed at will and continue to this day.

However, it seems one surfer in California found himself in a battle (or as the story moronically puts it, a "hand-to-hand fight") with a great white shark, only to be saved by dolphins. Does this mean the dolphins are changing sides? Probably not. This blog thinks it just means sharks are the jerks of the sea.

Deer waxed

The Guys apologize for being a tad bit late on informing you of the latest in animal brutality upon humans in this case. But look out motorists, you need to be warned.

Getting hit by one automobile isn't enough to stop these vicious deer from attacking us anymore. One deer, hit by two seperate cars, caused those two cars to collide and wreck into each other on a Wisconsin highway. This isn't Bambi we're dealing with folks. The epidemic is spreading.

Whose side are cows on?

Cows: when they're not falling from the sky, pooping diamonds or just being tasty, they seem to find time to save human lives. Go figure.

Nervous cows saved nearly 600 people in a small Mexican village when a "mini-tsunami" hit. The people noticed the cows were nervous and headed out of town. Alright, actually the cows took off and the people took off after them to bring them back, but the point remains.

Folks, don't think the cow is your friend, despite what Chick-Fil-A ads may lead you to believe, these animals are just as dedicated to the animal cause as anything else. These bovines are bad asses, but together, we can wipe them out. Eat a burger today.

New kind of cow tipping?

Cows: mostly they are just food. But remember, no matter how much we domesticate them and breed them for complicity, they will always be animals. Animals will stop at nothing to attack us when we least expect it, and who better than a cow to carry out such an attack.

Luckily, after a recent attack, no humans were killed. However, it shows creativity, as the attack happened when a cow fell from the sky and hit a minivan. "Michelle" the cow no doubt intended it as a suicide attack, but has lived on. Burn the witch!

It's hard out here for a chimp

Make sure you put your shoes on before reading this, because it's time to dance in the streets. Washoe, the first chimpanzee to learn sign language, is dead. The chimp, once it was learned she could speak American Sign Language in 1980, was quarantined for "studying" at Central Washington University's Ellensburg campus.

Now this vile creature, no doubt intended to spy on us for the enemy, can never teach another chimp how to understand us again. Meanwhile, our codebreakers are still working on the chimp words for "throw poop."

By the way, thanks for sticking with us, though Blogger is having some issues lately.

Bad dog

Man's best friend my hind quarters. An Iowa man is in a hospital recovering from a gunshot wound. The "accident" happened on a hunting excursion, and the suspect in the shooting: the man's dog.

That's right, we are not even safe from our pets. The man was out hunting birds with some friends. For some reason he put his shotgun down when his dog "just happened" to step on the trigger, shooting the man in the leg at close range.

Word of advice: don't give your pet a chance to take you down, for they will surely take it every time.

Not a chupacabra

As we mentioned a couple months back, they caught a suspected dead chupacabra in Texas (link is toward the bottom).

However, it seems the monster will continue to roam the Texas-Mexican border area, because the animal found was actually, a strange looking, hairless coyote, according to biologists. This blog is sad to hear this news, because it means the beast is still out there somewhere, and people will not see evidence of how truly evil these beings are.

Fight on, brave soldiers.

Does whatever a spider says

Our animal foes are no strangers to the most dastardly of battle plans. They have been known to strike at civilians, even children, when least expecting. But now they have taken things one step further: mind control.

An Australian man was bitten by a spider, which did not give him superpowers, in fact, it gave him an illness. That illness, the man said, led him to rape a woman. The courts didn't buy it, and the man was convicted. Keep this in mind, everyone: the spider bite defense no longer works. We need better legal president to deal with this new threat. Where is John Peter Zenger when you need him?

What? A story involving rape can't be funny? References too obscure?

Interstellar War on Animals

You wouldn't really know it by the story, but aliens obviously hate animals as much as we do. A 1972 meteorite just happened to hit a cow in Venezuela, killing it. It's the only known fatality from a meteor.

Anyone want to place bets it was some Martian sniper's work? We all know cows have it coming to them. In any case, the meteorite sold for $1,554 at an auction recently, while others sold for hundreds of thousands. Clearly, the meteorite-bidding community has no sense of worth for such a precious artifact.

War crimes

There is nothing scarier than coming home to find your home has been broken into. Well, maybe an ax murderer is scarier, but for argument's sake, let's stick with the break-in.

An L.A. resident had such a discovery, and immediately had the county sheriff's department respond for the burglary in progress. Turns out, the crook was "really hairy," which is not unreasonable, because he was also a bear.

Perhaps the most shocking part of this story is that the bear was not apprehended. Rather than arresting and charging the bear, officials simply ran him off. This bear must be brought to justice so a lynch mob can be formed!

Fifth columnists in California celebrate creeps

For full effect, please put your 3-D glasses on. Also, you might want to put your coffee cup down.
No drive to war is complete without accusations of fifth columnists here in America, and the War on Animals is no exception.

Coarsegold, California (go figure), has embraced the foe that brought down beloved Captain Kirk. It is ugly, it is hairy and it is smaller than a breadbox: the tarantula.

The tarantula, which is Spanish for "get that f--king thing away from me, AIIEEE!" (yet another word that loses something in translation), is not a cuddly creature. On a scale from one to 10, one being not so deserving of a blow-torchin' and 10 being incredibly deserving of a blow-torchin', tarantulas score a 23.

By protecting these spiders, Coarsegold has sealed their fate, and the locals don't even realize it:

One morning last week when she walked out to her red car, it was white -- completely covered in tarantula webs.

"I believe that was my sign," she says.

"I think it was their little thank-you to me."

Not to say we didn't warn you, but now we have. Either get tough with these invaders, or expect the worst.

Snakes in a storage unit

Folks, this blog touts the virtues of the brave men and women fighting the War on Animals, we also encourage our readers to help the fight and be ready however they can. One thing we don't recommend is leaving animals alone for days on end.

Not because we're worried about the enemy's welfare, but rather, with no one to guard them, someone else is bound to stumble upon these detainees. Such a case happened in Florida recently, when managers of a storage shed opened up one rented room that was late on payment. They found deadly and exotic snakes.

This could have ended in human injury or loss of human life. Remember: don't neglect animals, execute them.

Alcohol: the cause of, solution to all of life's [animal-related] problems

Taking a page from American history, an Indian village (in India, not Ironyland) let rice wine do their dirty work on a herd of Asiatic elephants.

After drinking themselves into a stupor, the elephants reenacted a World Series celebration by knocking down a utility pole. Six died in the ensuing electrocution.

This approach is one of the most innovative in the global War on Animals for three reasons:

1) Circus animal trainers have proven that electricity is the natural foe of the elephant.

2) By getting the elephants drunk, they have prevented these elephants' legendary memory from remembering and learning from this event. In other words, it could work again!

3) Because the elephants drank the rice wine of their own accord, this village has a new ally in their War on Animals: MADD. That's a lot of pamphlets, people.

(Courtesy of Patrick S.)

Panda watch: 2007!

Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a hoax, though this could be cause for alarm. One of the strapping young youths of China bravely jumped into a panda cage, only to have that soulless beast bite him! They're not cute and cuddly creatures, people.

Bears = Godless Killing Machines.

THERE ARE NO EXCEPTIONS. ESPECIALLY WITH THOSE FROM THE RACCOON FAMILY.

It's time to take the war to them. We almost had the pandas where we wanted wanted them, but then the governments stepped in with their "endangered species acts". Finish the job.

It could happen here

The week's news in the War on Animals begins on a note nothing short of shocking. In a Wizard of Oz-style attack, the Deputy Mayor of New Delhi was killed after being attacked by a pack of wild monkeys. Seriously.

According to reports, a gang of Rhesus macaques attacked the man at his own home. They eventually pushed him out the window, killing him. Folks, this blog doesn't need to tell you the danger we humans face against the animal threat, but this assassination represents a new level in violence in this terrible, terrible war.

Shocking quote: "Many government buildings, temples and residential neighborhoods in New Delhi are overrun by Rhesus macaques, which scare passers-by and occasionally bite or snatch food from unsuspecting visitors."

We need to rescue the citizens of New Delhi from these monkey terrorists.