Ask Dr. Snee, Guynecologist: Lungs … of iron!

Dear Dr. Snee,

How does an Iron Lung work? Is it anything like an Iron Cross?


To answer your question, I consulted my third favorite medical journal, Wikipedia. (My first two go-to sources are Men's Health and the Bible.) According to the WPMJ, the iron lung is a "negative pressure ventilator":

The person using the iron lung is placed into the central chamber, a cylindrical steel drum. A door allowing the head and neck to remain free is then closed, forming a sealed, air-tight compartment enclosing the rest of the person's body. Pumps that control airflow periodically decrease and increase the air pressure within the chamber, and particularly, on the chest. When the pressure falls below that within the lungs, the lungs expand and air from outside the chamber is sucked in via the person's nose and airways to keep the lungs filled; when the pressure rises above that within the lungs, the reverse occurs, and air is expelled. In this manner, the iron lung mimics the physiologic action of breathing: by periodically altering intrathoracic pressure, it causes air to flow in and out of the lungs.

Now, that might seem a little technical, but I’m a doctor. It’s my job to explain the bullpuckey researchers made up, just like how religious leaders explain the vague, contradictory rules of their gods. Allegory, which is Scandinavian for “pop culture or farm animal reference,” is our main tool of the trade.

The iron lung works like Tupac Shakur.

When Tupac was alive and recording albums, hip-hop fans on the west coast liked him. They, in the parlance of the kids, dug his rap. He was one hip dude. But he wasn’t universally recognized as a musical artist, just a really good rhymer-guy. He even made a movie or two, but nobody saw them because he wasn’t shooting anybody (unlike DMX’s far superior films). By saturating the market with his alive-ness, negative pressure caused his career to stagnate into having relations with Biggie’s wife.

When Tupac pulled an anti-50 Cent (not shrugging off bullets), the world suddenly appreciated his music. His albums crossed over into the playlists of music lovers whose hip-hop experience was limited to a fifth-grade infatuation with MC Hammer. They sold in record numbers. In short, the forces of negative pressure caused the lungs of America to inhale as much dead Tupac as it could get.

But the Tupac estate began to release newly rediscovered tracks. A posthumous collection of these works made people joke that he faked his death, in hiding from whoever tried to kill him. Negative pressure acted again, and we stopped craving new Tupac material because there was too much of it again.

Does the iron lung make sense now? Of course it does.

As to it’s relation to the Iron Cross, well, it depends on which iron cross you’re referring to. There’s the WWI and WWII medal awarded by Germany for meritorious acts, also known as the Teutonic Cross. And there are also regular crosses made of iron, but I’m sure they were replaced with gold or steel ones once the coffers were full enough. But there’s also the gymnastics maneuver on the rings.

The iron lung is nothing like those, but it is like your second question. As a doctor, I can’t cure paralysis, but I can put you in an iron lung when you’re too paralyzed to breathe on your own. Likewise, I can’t cure stupid, but I can answer your questions.

Rick Snee is not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or an actor that plays one on television. He's just really opinionated, which is good enough for blogging. To submit your own questions to Dr. Snee, Guynecologist, post comments below or email the good doctor.