Take it from Snee: Too much thought put into the Confederate flag

As the official SeriouslyGuys southern correspondent, it is my job to keep tabs on the former Confederate States of America. It's a daunting task because, well, there are a lot of them, and a few select ones tend to captivate the news. (I've actually delegated all things Floridian to Fark.)

But the other challenging aspect is that readers, and writers, above the Mason-Dixon line already have their own ideas about Bible-belt denizens. Yes, there's a lot of evangelical Christianity down here. Yes, there is racism, but no more so than any other place in the United States, as national publications (many based in New York and Washington, DC) demonstrate whenever affirmative action, welfare, Islam or illegal immigration are discussed.

And, yes, there are a lot of Confederate flags down here, and not just on war memorials. But the person flying the Stars and Bars on their truck usually flies Old Glory on their porches as well. And the flag-bearer/wearer isn't necessarily racist, but it's not too surprising when that turns out to be the case.

It is because of assumptions that this cringe-inducing flag has long held a spot on the ever-growing Ban List (probably somewhere between cigarettes and porno).

Assumption 1: The Confederate flag stands for resuming slavery.

Let's say we ban flags based on who flies it, and what happened historically wherever it flew. We could easily justify such a measure when the flag in question is found at Klan rallies and slave ships once flew it. But what would we look at when we sing the national anthem before any major sporting event?

Doing some quick math, the Stars and Bars flew over Dixie for about four years (1861-1865), during which African Americans were enslaved. However, the Stars and Stripes flew over slave auctions from 1777-1862: 85 years! This, of course, does not count the 400 years of slavery in colonial America under the British flag, but who flies the Union Jack anymore?

The basis for this assumption is good old wartime politicking.

The Civil War is explained away as the war over slavery, much like the latest Iraq War is about Al Qaeda now (as opposed to 2003's WMDs, 2004's Saddam Hussein's oppressive regime, 2005's democratization of the Middle East or 2006's non-running colors). It's true that slavery was abolished during the war, but not until 1862. Until the Emancipation Proclamation, slaves were still auctioned in Washington, DC and many other Union cities--all under the U.S. flag and more than a year after Sumter and the first Bull Run.

So when Lincoln needed to drum up public support for an already unpopular military adventure in the South, he courted the only people that would continue the fight: abolitionists. Hell, they had already invaded the South to free slaves before the war (see: John Brown). Whether Lincoln actually opposed slavery is immaterial: he wasn't going to touch it until his approval rating was already in the tubes.

(Ironically, this is why President Bush believes, as stated in several interviews, that history will judge him better than the current media. We'll see if anyone defaces a mountain for him, though.)

So, sure, we can ban the Confederate flag, but Old Glory's gotta go, too. As do the flags of England, Spain, Portugal, France and any other former imperial power that participated in the slave trade.

And, though many a Klansman has carried the C.S.A. banner, just as many have also beared the colors of our nation. They consider their cause just as patriotic as standardizing English or fighting the metric system, and their right to assemble is guaranteed by the Constitution of the United States. The real irony is that their headquarters included Detroit, Chicago, Indianapolis, Portland and Denver.

(The Klan and various offshoots also fly the swastika next to the U.S. flag, proving once again that Americans only "study" the Civil War and World War II.)

Assumption 2: The Confederate flag stands for restarting the Civil War.

I've often, and always from northerners, heard a reminder that the South will not, in fact, rise again. It's a funny idea, but why would the South need to rise again?

Consider this:

• How many presidents since the Reconstruction have not either been from a southern state or have a southern vice-president?
  
  
• How many Dallas Cowboy fans (ugh) are there in the entire United States?
  
  
• Why is the Mexican border considered more strategically vital to protect than the northern border we share with Canada?
  
  
• How many bands, north or south, have played a Lynyrd Skynyrd song? Likewise, how many east coast and west coast rappers' albums feature hip-hop stars from the Dirty South? And what part of the country do Britney Spears and Jessica Simpson hail from?

Like it or not, the South doesn't need to rise again. Despite losing the Civil War, we determine most of the current national trends. Unfortunately, most of those aren't terribly boast-worthy (just terrible), but "awful" and "awesome" do come from the same original meaning: awe-inspiring.

As a symbol today, the Confederate flag is as innocuous as getting a tattoo of the Irish flag or Dem Bones of piracy. It's a celebration of history that we have no real connection to here in the US. Our Irish are just as likely to dodge British military service, and our pirates are just as likely to sail the Carribbean, as our Daughters of the Confederacy are likely to retake Gettysburg.

Of course, it has no place on government property--save memorials--but no less so than the Ten Commandments. Of the two, only one is sneaking into our courthouses.