How To: Pick up girls online

Today's How To is very special, because it comes to us from some reader out there who this morning found us searching on Google for "how to pick up a girl on myspace." Because The Guys are all about serving the people, it's time to tackle this one. As you may remember, we have already taught you how to meet womens.

Tools:
Computer
Fingers
Vocabulary

1) Get to a computer, get connected. So you're a little too shy to go out to strip clubs and meet skirts like we suggested before. No matter, chum! That is why Al Gore invented the Internet. Odds are, you or someone you know owns a computer, unless you live in Africa. In which case, meeting someone is probably not a priority, eating is.

In any case, step one is getting yourself out there. You need to have a cool profile on MySpace and Facebook. If you don't, you're a loser and you will die alone, as you deserve to. The key here is to make a kick ass profile. Be sure to have pictures of yourself being cool, looking cool and doing cool things. Leave out the ones from the Star Trek convention or your Gandalf costume from Halloween, will you?

2) Look for love in all the places, be they right or wrong. Now that your profile looks bangin', it's time to search for the dames. Most social networking sites offer search options. as soon as you find it, set it to "female," and change nothing else. This will ensure you will have your pick of the ladies. Old, young, married, single, lesbian, heterosexual--it's all at your fingertips. Scan the list to your hearts' desire.

Make sure you only pick the ones who have profile pictures. This ensures that they are a) most likely in fact female and b) attractive to you. Go after the ones that are taken, after all, you've always had the fantasy about being the other man, same thing about finding the hooker and convincing her to go legit. You don't want to meet in person, so here's where you need to shine.

3) Reach out and (inappropriately) touch someone. This is a basic fact: broads love explicit greetings, especially from strangers. Take it from television's Mark Steines, Bill O'Reilly and David Copperfield, the dirtier you are, the better.

When you send the woman of your infatuation a message make sure at some point it includes the words "fondle," "creamy" and "torture." If you don't have them in there, well my friend, you might as well not send it at all. How will she ever know how you feel if you aren't bold enough?

4) Be vigilant. So you sent a couple out and didn't get a response, or got something unfavorable back. It's OK, there are plenty more desperate fish in the online sea. If you keep plugging away at it every night (and we mean that in the most non-euphemistic way possible), you'll eventually get someone who likes your style. It may not happen overnight, but it will happen.

So chin up, friend. There is hope for you, now that you have seen the light and become cool. Once you and the woman of your wet dreams finds you, be sure to send us an e-mail and tell us about how it went.

Ladies: Are you looking for a man, any man? Even a Guy will do? Let us present Chugs "Chris" Taylor.