Take it from Snee: Apes still don't talk

Once again, scientists are trying to prove apes can talk ... by not actually teaching them to talk.

Sure, it's great that Cornelius can recognize the symbols that give him treats, but that isn't language. And just because this particular scientist talks to them "like he would speak to one of his children, or a longtime friend" does not mean they are conversing--it means he is on par with every cat lady in the world.

Of course Bonzo understands you, doc. It's like he really listens and doesn't just wait for you to stop talking so he can say whatever is on his mind. But that's only because he can't say what's on his mind, which is probably just as well ("I want to masturbate again!").

If language were merely correct vocabulary, we still could not communicate ideas to each other. Koko may have a tummy ache, but she can't ask you if that diaper makes her look fat. Get the difference, yet?

Even this writer's "interview with an ape" reads like someone explaining how Terry Schiavo was a functional human being, equating blinks as real communication. It started with the usual vocab test, then the reporter was stunned that the ape pressed the "surprise!" button when she was ready for food. This wasn't language: it was the ape's button for a hand-out. Get a job, Kanzi!

And perhaps that is why we strive to teach animals how to talk, in hope that someone will finally listen to us without argument. Take it from me: it's like teaching a pig how to dance. It tires out the farmer and pisses off the pig.