How To: Survive karaoke

It happens to even the most seasoned of bar flies. When you first walked into the bar, everyone was making fun of the people who were dumb enough to be up there singing karaoke. Now a few drinks in, that fat guy up there really sounds like Aretha Franklin, and aside from the goatee, is starting to look like her. Before you know it, your name is called to go up, even though you never signed up. Here's how to survive karaoke without committing hara-kiri.

Tools:
Vocal chords
Microphone
Cash
Cellular phone
Beverage

1) Bring a bunch of people up with you. This is always your best bet. As your friends shove you to the stage, latch on to as many people as you can. You might as well make them sing with you, after all, it was those bastards who signed you up for it as a lark in the first place. When you have a group, there are more voices to drown your own out, more so, there are rarely more than two microphones available, so you can opt not to sing into one as your friends croon. Let's just hope this is the farewell tour and not the reunion.

2) Come up with a good excuse. What's that guys? I'm next up for karaoke? But I was just about to get up and order us a round of shots. Why don't one of you cover for me? That's how you do it. Think of a good enough reason to be somewhere else at that moment. The more likely it is to benefit your friends, the more forgiving they will be and let you out of your much-anticipated acoustic show. Faking an important cell phone call is another classic. It not only is easy to pull off and saves you from explaining until you get back, but it gets you out of that loud barroom for as long as you please.

3) Improvise like it's your job. Alright, you suck at singing, or at least you know you're not good enough to be performing in front of a live audience, so it's time to get the crowd going. This is a trait of all the best lead singers in history. During a concert, does the lead singer come out, sing the song as he stares at a television screen, looking like he wants to soil himself? No. Only Mick Jagger does that, and it's not from nerves. While the intro is playing, get the crowd pumped--scream into the mic, only coherent at times. Tell everyone to hold their drinks up and take a swig with you. If you get them on your side early, there's a better chance they won't be throwing rotten tomatoes at you later, or at least they will throw fresh ones.

4) Sing "Low Rider." It's a pretty easy song originally performed by War. There are only a few notes, no complicated rhythms, repetitive lyrics and long jam sessions. Even if you have had pieces of your brain removed for scientific experimentation you can easily handle this song. What's that? The karaoke DJ has another song all queued up? Tough cookies, bub. The people want to hear "Low Rider," and by all that is inebriated, that's what the people are going to get!

So there you have it. Commit these tips to memory, because you would look kind of pathetic if you printed this out and brought it out with you. Go out and show them you can duck their lame attempts at pranks, and don't hang around for an encore.