How To: Pick up girls online

Today's How To is very special, because it comes to us from some reader out there who this morning found us searching on Google for "how to pick up a girl on myspace." Because The Guys are all about serving the people, it's time to tackle this one. As you may remember, we have already taught you how to meet womens.

Tools:
Computer
Fingers
Vocabulary

1) Get to a computer, get connected. So you're a little too shy to go out to strip clubs and meet skirts like we suggested before. No matter, chum! That is why Al Gore invented the Internet. Odds are, you or someone you know owns a computer, unless you live in Africa. In which case, meeting someone is probably not a priority, eating is.

In any case, step one is getting yourself out there. You need to have a cool profile on MySpace and Facebook. If you don't, you're a loser and you will die alone, as you deserve to. The key here is to make a kick ass profile. Be sure to have pictures of yourself being cool, looking cool and doing cool things. Leave out the ones from the Star Trek convention or your Gandalf costume from Halloween, will you?

2) Look for love in all the places, be they right or wrong. Now that your profile looks bangin', it's time to search for the dames. Most social networking sites offer search options. as soon as you find it, set it to "female," and change nothing else. This will ensure you will have your pick of the ladies. Old, young, married, single, lesbian, heterosexual--it's all at your fingertips. Scan the list to your hearts' desire.

Make sure you only pick the ones who have profile pictures. This ensures that they are a) most likely in fact female and b) attractive to you. Go after the ones that are taken, after all, you've always had the fantasy about being the other man, same thing about finding the hooker and convincing her to go legit. You don't want to meet in person, so here's where you need to shine.

3) Reach out and (inappropriately) touch someone. This is a basic fact: broads love explicit greetings, especially from strangers. Take it from television's Mark Steines, Bill O'Reilly and David Copperfield, the dirtier you are, the better.

When you send the woman of your infatuation a message make sure at some point it includes the words "fondle," "creamy" and "torture." If you don't have them in there, well my friend, you might as well not send it at all. How will she ever know how you feel if you aren't bold enough?

4) Be vigilant. So you sent a couple out and didn't get a response, or got something unfavorable back. It's OK, there are plenty more desperate fish in the online sea. If you keep plugging away at it every night (and we mean that in the most non-euphemistic way possible), you'll eventually get someone who likes your style. It may not happen overnight, but it will happen.

So chin up, friend. There is hope for you, now that you have seen the light and become cool. Once you and the woman of your wet dreams finds you, be sure to send us an e-mail and tell us about how it went.

Ladies: Are you looking for a man, any man? Even a Guy will do? Let us present Chugs "Chris" Taylor.

How To: Dance, sucka!

Your palms are sweaty, your legs are wooden (hopefully figuratively) and you pitched a tent in your Dockers. Despite all of this, you are still expected to dance.

It's a conundrum that guys like us have faced our entire lives. We are discouraged from dancing at home, but are expected to once we go to any nightclub or wedding, and it'd better be good because, "How you dance is how you are in bed." Unfortunately, you can't fight social convention, so it's time to bite that lip and give it your worst. Whereas Footloose and Hitch have failed you, The Guys understand and will help you as much as we can.

Tools:
A right foot, apparently
A mouthguard to prevent lip-biting

1) Barter.
When a dancing event comes up, get romantic. By romantic, we mean schedule something else that same day that doesn't involve dancing: a picnic in Italy, cuddling in an igloo, taking a six-month cruise to Australia, anything. Money is no object, and the pride that you sacrifice with these steps is nothing compared to the lifetime embarrassment of someone else's wedding video.

2) Compromise.
Eventually, you will run out of money/time off. You'll have to bargain here. Fortunately, it's not too tough.

Schedule a meeting with all males attending this shindig. If this is for a wedding, then this is called a bachelor party. Between strippers and lines of coke, suggest the following plan:

The men will get drunk and will only dance to slow songs. Club Nature* will take over and the women will dance with each other to complicated songs because, really, that's what they want. If we're having a good time, they won't feel obligated to drag us up there.

So long as every male is on-board, there will be no problem. And anyone can slow dance. We're pretty sure white guys invented slow dancing in the 16th century to figure out what was booty, and what was bustle.

3) Lie.
Oh, crap. They want to do the Electric Slide. The Electric Slide may be unisex, but--like anything else sexually ambiguous--this will not bode well for you.

You must lie and convincingly. There are rules here:

3.1) Don't use any psychological reasons. These just invite therapeutic measures like facing your fear or reverse psychology. There's a reason why women are more likely to major in mental health degrees, and that's because they have a natural ability in psychology. (See: Dirty Rotten Scoundrels.)

3.2) If you use a physical condition, there must be evidence of it. This means planning ahead. Have an air cast already on, or bite the bullet and stab yourself in the leg with a broken beer bottle. Head injuries are out because you already dance like you have one.

4) Bite that bullet.
Once all of your options have run out, punish everyone by doing exactly what they want.

If angry sex is so great, then why not angry dancing? Nothing says you're hardcore like moshing to "Love Shack." Before you can cold cock a second bridesmaid, you will be forcefully removed from the premises, which include the dance floor.

Or, there's the strip approach. Male stripping is a close-second to slow dancing because naked men aren't supposed to dance well. Pitch articles of clothing into the crowds, spin a couple of times and thrust your groin. Make an earnest attempt to unfasten your pants, and you will most likely be escorted off of the dance floor. And if nobody stops you, you will be known as a legend. After all, you already dance like a date rapist; why not go the full monty measure?

Remember: it's manly to dance when you might cause a riot. Stick by these rules, and your life should remain blissfully dance-free for the rest of your life.

*club nature: Women go to clubs to dance with each other because men are rarely good dancers. Unless we are gay, we are always creepy when we dance (not matter how gracefully) with women. Probably because of our boners.

How To: Manage a PR nightmare

Being famous and/or powerful isn't all it's cracked up to be. If there's anyone that knows that, it's the SG reader. Our readers, as you are no doubt aware, are among the most prestigious and high-ranking in industry and commerce today. They turn to us for our insight.

Those in the spotlight are always destined to mess up, because they are only human. However, the spotlight remains, because people love to see a fall from grace. So what did you do? Drunkenly rant about Jews to a police officer? Drop the N-bomb? Serve as a GOP member of the U.S. Senate? The Guys understand, and we are here to help.

Tools:
Charm
Fake Tears

1) Deny, deny, deny. Go Bush administration on their asses. Someone says they saw you dressed in drag the other night? Question that person's character, after all, he should not have been at a drag bar anyway, right? Learn these words, "I am insulted by these baseless attacks against my character and my good name. I swear on my family I will fight until I am proven innocent."

2) Blame someone, anyone else. So they seem to have you pinned on this one. It's time to show you are a victim of this unfortunate incident. Sticking with the drag scenario, blame the bar owners for not clearly posting the establishment's intentions outside. After all, you were simply thirsty and found the company of your fellow man, granted, he was wearing a dress. Isn't dressing up what Halloween is all about? If you can't enjoy Halloween, you are un-American, and frankly, the public should not listen to such drivel from un-American smear artists. Be sure to throw in a jab to the media for their relentless coverage, just for good measure.

3) Context is everything. Your detractors think they can get away with saying such things about you, ruthlessly attacking your family's sense of pride? Hit back with the old "it was irresponsibly taken out of context defense." This only works when where is a recording, be it audio or video, of the alleged scandal. Sure, if you look at the snippet of video, it looks like you were grinding on that burly guy in a tutu if that's what they tell you it looks like. But if you tell the public your version of what it looks like, they will believe you. You owe it to them to explain that perhaps after a drink or two, your coordination was off. You dropped a quarter on the floor, and suddenly realizing the bar you were in, decided not to bend at the waist to pick it up. Instead, you bent at the knees to get the quarter. That man in the tutu just happened to be flittering by as you did so. The smile on your face is out of embarrassment. It's so clear.

4) Be a man. Suck it up and own up to what happened. In your heart, you know you are innocent of these seemingly hypocritical actions, but it is now obvious public opinion will never shift in your favor. Call a press conference and huff some hot sauce, it's time for waterworks in front of the cameras. As you tearfully say how much you regret your actions and the damage it has caused, remember, you need to shoulder all the blame while displacing it at the same time. This is a tricky maneuver. Why did you dance in that drag bar? Hell if you know, but it was probably something stemming from your abusive upbringing, which then lead to your drinking problem. It's all your fault, but it's not your fault, because these things were put on you. Announce to everyone that you are going into rehab. This cures everything.

5) Sharptonia. Press still hounding you? It's time to schedule a public meeting with Rev. Al Sharpton. It doesn't matter what you did, Sharpton can help you. Think of it in Catholic terms: you are going to confession and Sharpton is the priest hearing your sins. Sure, he's no Catholic, but he is a man of God, is he not? After he boycotts everything you touch, he will absolve you of your sins and you are free to go and sin no more.

There you have it. You have successfully managed to kill the story that threatened to destroy you and everything you love. Now that you have earned your reprieve, live your life as squeakily-clean as possible. If you can't do that, at least wear a fake beard the next time you put on that little black dress.

How To: Fake your own death

Every so often, you will need a new identity. Maybe you're from a race of immortals who must occasionally submit a death certificate to avoid arousing suspicion. Or perhaps you haven't paid your bills in five years. And then there's always doing it because you don't want to kill yourself, but you'd like to make everyone pay for not going to your choice at the movies ("You'll miss me and 3:10 to Yuma when I'm gone!"). Whatever: you have your reasons. But the only thing worse than a prat fall is a transparent prat fall that fools nobody. That's why The Guys will now explain how to fake your own death.

Tools:
A fake will/insurance policy (optional)
Fire
A safe house or travel plans

1) Don't prepare anything for your "demise."
If you don't have a will, don't suddenly write one. And, for the love of Gene Krupa, do not take out a new life insurance policy on yourself.* Don't leave extra food for your pets, shut off the power to your home, cancel your subscription to Vogue or anything else that signals you're going out for longer than an afternoon. The less you prepare for your "death," the less likely people will think you had something planned.

*Exception: if the purpose is to frame someone for your murder, then draft an insurance policy/will that leaves everything to them.

2) Always use fire as your means of death.
Why fire? It's the in-vogue fear right now. Thanks to the California fires being leaked to arson--or, according to Fox News, Al Qaeda--it's the number three fear on people's minds behind spiders and men's room propositions. This means that they will have the proper sense of outrage/convincing that you intended. You can even leave your burnt-up body in the middle of your pristine living room, chalking up your death as another case of spontaneous human combustion.

Also, because fire will destroy all biological evidence of the surrogate body you're leaving as evidence.

Wait, you mean you don't have a body?

3) Get a body.
Apply comic book/soap opera rule #589: no body, no dead. Without the body, you're missing, which is exactly what you don't want. Missing people are all over the news and everyone will look for you.

The best place to look for bodies is in old apartment complexes. That's where old people die and nobody notices for weeks until the smell builds up. The best part is that the cats will have already starting cleaning the meat off of the bones, so that gives you a head start on burning off biological identification. Finally, if someone finally notices they're gone, they'll think they're missing, which means all attention will be on them, not you.

Referring back to step #2, this is probably why all spontaneous human combustion cases are old people.

4) Get out of Dodge.
Once you have set the body, you need to leave. Immediately.

If your plan was to disappear, great. You're already on your way. Just don't book any tickets under your real name.

If you're waiting to see responses, check into the seediest motel possible under a fake name. Do not stay with a friend, no matter how much you trust them. He or she may not say anything now, but they will in a few years when torture becomes a standard practice again.

5) Back so soon?
Remember when you were 8 and you told your parents that you were running away? (Or remember when your favorite 80s sitcom kid said that?) How far did you (they) get before coming home? It's very possible you won't get across the street before giving up.

Do not admit to faking your own death. At best, you will alienate all of your friends and family, which means you'll have to do the whole thing all over again, only more convincingly. At worst, we're pretty sure fraud and tax evasion are illegal.

Instead, pretend you went on a spontaneous trip to somewhere without phones, lights or motor cars (we recommend Germany) and say, "You mean you didn't find my note? It was sitting on my Lay-Z-Boy where you found that burnt body the vandals left."

Whatever you tell them, let them know in advance that you're returning. The last thing you want is to be mistaken for a zombie and shotgunned/chainsawed. How embarrassing.

How To: Enjoy a scary movie

You normally can't handle yourself at scary movies. That's why you avoid them, especially after the incident with the popcorn in the movie theater. How were you to know the butter was scalding hot, or that face would pop out of nowhere, causing you to fling the bucket into the air and douse 14 people. And how were you to know the butter would not harm a person, but just somehow one kernel would travel down a man's throat killing him, probably permanently? (Weird how we knew that story about you, huh?)

Fear not, we're going to take the fear out of scary movies, so you won't scream like a little girl at every jump, even if you are a little girl who is too young to be watching such cinema, even if it is nearly Halloween.

Tools:
Eyelids
Imagination
Negative view of humanity

1) Close your eyes. Think about it. You're in a dark room with a bunch of people not looking at you. If you just listen to the whole movie, who will know the difference? After all, no one gets scared listening to the radio, that is unless they're listening to Rush Limbaugh.

2) Find the trends. You've seen Scream, or at least you tried to. They reveal pretty much all of the secrets scary movies use. For example, if there is a multi-racial cast, it is required by federal law that at least one if not all black people are killed off before anyone else. Also try to avoid growing attached to characters in love with each other, they will die. Do you know why? Because love will get you killed one day.

3) Chill out. Quit getting so into the movie for Pablo's sake! Get distracted every now and then. Try to remember if you turned the oven off before you left the house. Wonder how wide the screen is in centimeters. Make the occasional comment about how lame the dialog is. The bottom line is you need to forget about the knife-wielding maniac looming just over your shoulder. He is most likely harmless, anyway.

4) Become really cynical. This works best at zombie movies. Why? Because the world is ending, it's just a big scramble to see who will die last. The characters are convinced they can be live and find someplace safe, despite that fact that there are undead popping out, showing off their most recent dental work and indicating they are quiet hungry and not picky eaters. The characters band together to try to survive, but at some point, they all die. In such cases, it's fun to take yourself out of connecting with the characters, and instead laughing at humanity in general. Witness people at their most primal and marvel at how they find ways to get offed. Feel free to root for the zombies. This principal can be applied, with more effort, to other scary movies, just replace zombies with the murderer. The group dynamics are not all that different.

There you have it. There is no way you can be phased by the creepiest of creepies. So sit back and laugh at your friends as they jump and squeal. I'll be right back.

Oh my god, did I really just say that? I'm going to die.

How To: Use the men's room

So there's been a lot (read: 2) scandals recently about normally conservative men getting busted by sex cops in public restrooms. The more prominent one, who I don't have to name, has said it was all one giant misunderstanding. The Guys never thought we'd have to write this "How To" because we thought Dave Barry already covered the basics. However, times change and people read less so, without any further ado, we are going to explain how to use the men's room.

Tools:
A full bladder and/or colon
Three-dimensional reasoning
Silence

1) Make sure you actually have to go.
Unfortunate things, like being mistaken for a horny deviant, happen based on odds. The less you go to a public restroom, the less likely you will accidentally seduce your fellow potty animals.

Plus, there's the "shake it no more than twice" rule. This extends beyond the literal meaning: if you are going to the bathroom more often than you actually need to, then it will appear that you are either dodging work, taking naps or 'trolling for sex.

2) Keep it to yourself.
Take a look around you (without actually taking a look). You are either surrounded by walls, or there is an implied buffer space between urinals. There's a reason man-troughs have all but disappeared: this is your private time, as well as for other movers and shakers. Retreat to your bubble. Embrace it. Know that by leaving your cocoon of elimination, you will find yourself in someone else's. And that "someone else" may very well be a sex cop. Seriously, can you imagine how much that guy hates his job? Angry civil servants are no one to triffle with.

3) Silence is golden.
You know where it's a good idea to talk? Anywhere your pants aren't down. When you normally ask someone else about their wife and kids, you don't do it with your dork in your hand. (Or do you? We'll tackle that one another time.)

As log-rolling is men's closest experience to child birth, think like a Scientologist and do it silently. Anything you say during this process may psychologically damage your offspring.

Exception to rule #3:
It is permissible to make jokes about your business. Just be careful to avoid alarming phrases like "Wow, I didn't know my butthole could stretch that far!" or "No really, c'mere! You need to see this!" Instead, focus on smells and what consumables produced your newfound pride and joy.

4) Leave as you came.
Once again, the longer you linger, the more likely you will attract unwanted attention from underseatcover officers. Wash your hands, pop a zit and get out.

Alright, you're in the clear. Now repeat this for the rest of your life in all public restrooms and you'll be okay.

How To: Make friends in a bar

Unless your religion is against it, odds are you will end up in a bar once or twice in your life. Or, if you are like The Guys, you will frequent a bar so often they reserve the dart room for you. Regardless, sometimes you will end up in a bar without a friend in sight. Here's how to remedy that situation with several different approaches.

Tools:
-Facial expressions
-Money
-Short skirt

1) Look tough. Go down to the corner stool as soon as you walk in. Make sure as you walk over, you puff out your shoulders as much as you can. This will make you look big and mean. When you sit down, order a double whiskey in a dirty glass. On the rocks will do, but neat will make you look like a badass, not like you should be wearing a smoking jacket. Sit there, sipping your whiskey, and imagine how frustrating it is to watch toddlers try to put the shapes in that polygon toy that has all the different-shaped holes. Your expression will make people think you're dark and have something in your past. People, especially cougars, will be drawn to you.

2) Be loud and generous. From the minute you walk through the door, people should know you have arrived. To do this, you have to act like you just won the lottery. Grin like an idiot, pat people on the shoulder as you walk by them. As soon as you have ordered your drink, say hello to the people on either side of you. If there is no one, say hello to the bartender and try to ignore their dull, soulless expression. Once you start talking with one person, others will listen in. Then you can ask other people their opinion on the subjects you cover. Then, once people are talking to you, say something cool like, "Hey, who wants to but me a drink? Oh, that's right, I'm loaded. A round of drinks for the whole bar, on me!" This should get just about everyone's attention, unless some are hearing impaired, in which case, loudly sign something cool like that. What? You just realized you don't have cash on you? Time to avoid the angry mob and skedaddle.

3) Play pool. Even if you are terrible at it, playing pool is an excellent way to meet people. And by people we mean cocky dudes who have been playing since three hours before you got there. However, it is also likely they have acquired a following during their conquests. People drinking love to watch other people play pool. It is just one of life's mysteries. As you get your behind handed to you on the green felt table, make sure to make eye contact with a few people in the crowd. Flash them a smile. When you're finally killed off, say something to the effect of "Wow, that lashing gave me a thirst, who wants to buy me a drink?" Watch as the crowd turns their backs on you.

4) Flirt. Make sure to wear a short skirt and a top with a plunging neckline. It doesn't matter if the bar is cold, alcohol is the coal that the furnace that is your stomach needs. When people come up to talk to you, make sure to make a lot of eye contact, laugh at what they say, even if it's not a joke, and touch them on the arm. They will soon be buying you drinks just because your company is so great.

WARNING: This will only work if you are a female or really, really good at looking like one.

Everyone has their own style of drinking, and so should they of bar behavior. Pick out one of these personas, commit to it, and rest assured, you will have friends raising a glass with you. So get out there and find your new friends.

How To: Lift weights

Look at you. You're scrawny--or fat--and weak and you most likely get sand kicked in your face by the ghost of Charles Atlas. It's time to man up; and by man up, we mean hang out with a bunch of bulky guys in tank tops and short shorts. So load your iPod with all the rap metal you never wanted, because we’re going to teach you how to lift weights.

Tools:
A wifebeater (According to Wal-Mart, this is an "a-shirt.")
Short shorts
Um, "support" for your man parts
An iPod loaded with rap metal
A gym
A GNC store

1) Dress appropriately. Remember those mean guys from the beach? Guess where they go when they aren't with your girlfriend. That's right, smart guy. You're trying to join their little club, so you better look like you belong. The proper attire consists of:

• A wifebeater.
  
• Short shorts. The shorter, the better.
  
• Some contraption for keeping your naughty bits in checkmate.
  
• The coolest sneakers you can afford. The discerning beefcake spends at least two months' salary on footwear.

2) Get thyself to a gym-ery. There are two factors to consider before selecting a gym:

• Are there girls there? They’re not only great eye-candy, but they lift less than you (well, maybe not in your case) and they give you something to talk about with the manly men.
  
• Do they have awesome t-shirts? How do people know you go to a gym? Why, you're wearing the T-shirt. And it features a Boris Vallejo-style naked guy fighting three lions on it.

3) Do some bench press. This first exercise will make your chest massive. It is also the loudest, angriest exercise if you grunt sufficiently. This workout will prepare you for such manly feats as benching a Taiwanese hooker and pushing off cars that Magneto threw at you.

4) Do some bicep curls. You know that make-a-muscle pose you've been making since grade school where you bend your arm and flex? That’s your bicep at the bend. No, not your elbow--the top part. There you go. Do a bunch of curls for these, too. Their purpose is to make you look cooler when you invite friends and family to "the gun show." When they get big enough, kiss them for emphasis.

NOTE: If you finish both exercises and aren't tired yet, then find something to punch for a while. Do not do any other exercises. Other exercises are for soccer players, and who plays soccer? Women and foreigners, that’s who. Nobody wants to be a foreigner.

5) Go to GNC. You think you’ll get in shape by exercising? Pfft. You need drugs, and for the sake of our SeriouslyLawyers, you need legal drugs. Buy anything that doesn’t say "Women's" on it or contains soy. Take more than the recommended dosage, six meals a day.

Yes, we said "six meals a day." You're eating for three now: yourself, your right nut and your left nut. And by meals, we mean steak. If you get tired of steak, then eat ribs.

By now, you should be well on your way to kicking sand in other people's faces. But don't feel bad when you do because, by crushing their bloated self-image, you've now inspired someone else to join your gym. That means a lower monthly gym fee for you and someone smaller than you working out there.

Now hit the showers, stinky. Your new friends will meet you there.

How To: Drive a car

Let's face it, in order to make it in this world, you have to have a car. That is unless you live in New York City, where citizens are not allowed to drive, for they are surely insane if they live there in the first place, this is why cab drivers are foreign.

Because driving a motor vehicle is so important, we are here to help.

Tools:

A car (obviously)

Screwdriver

Blindfold

1) Get going. You've climbed into your Pinto and are raring to go. First things first: do not use a seatbelt. These are only for wussies who are afraid of a little windshield. Next, take your screwdriver and jam it into the ignition. Jiggle it around until you can turn it and bingo, your car is started. Adjust your mirrors, then crank your stereo system as loud as it can go, if you have the option of bass levels, blast that, too. People love it when you set off car alarms from 40 paces and they are just dying to hear what cool tunes you are listening to. Now pull out on to the road.

2) Be safe. Ah, ah, ah! Aren't we forgetting something? That's right, now that you're on the road, lean on your horn and do not lay off of it until you reach your destination. The horn will announce your presence far more easily than your music, which can only be heard if you stand next to the open windows. Because drivers will be aware of your presence, they will be more cautious around you. Another good way to keep drivers remembering not to hit you is by constantly flashing your headlights.

3) Obey the rules of the road. We all know the old addage "those on the road make the rules." This is also referred to as freestyle driving. Feel like chatting on your cell phone while eating a quadruple-quarter pounder with cheese? Go for it! Want to pop a wheelie off of the curb? Give it a shot! Remember, no matter what you do, never use your directional signals. It is always best to keep your fellow drivers guessing.

4) Select a parking spot. Finally, you have reached your destination, the local police felt you did such a good job, you can see they are escorting you, only they are behind you instead of in front. No matter! The key to parking is finding the right spot. If at all possible, park on a curb, this will protect your vehicle from getting dings from others. If a curb is not available, find a parking lot. These are large paved areas with a bunch of lines. Think of these lines as yard lines and you're playing football, try to get your vehicle to cross as many yard lines as possible when you park. For more advanced parking, blindfold yourself in the parking lot and gun the engine. Stop whenever you feel like it.

You now have the skills required to operate a motor vehicle, so remember you may not be as good at first, but if you stick to the tips and practice several times a day, you will be motorin' along in no time!

(Photo by Catherine Haring)

How To: Meet womens

The Guys know that you would make a lady very happy, if only you could find one. Unfortunately, they're never where you are, despite the universal appeal of LARPing. That is why we are teaching you how to meet womens.

Tools:
A computer with access to Google Maps
A bank account with more than $20 in it
An engagement ring in a jewel box with a lining coated in chloroform

1) Determine your choice in womens. Womens come in many flavors and dispositions. Some are intellectual, others are physical. There are introverts and extroverts. Some will take charge, and others will obey your every whim. If you are a lady, you'll want to meet a lesbian; if you're a guy, you'll want to meet two lesbians. With all of that analysis out of the way, the womens you want to meet are naked womens.

2) Find a strip club. The only guaranteed legal way to meet naked womens is at a strip club. Using Google Maps, enter your address, and then type "strip clubs" into the "Find a business" field. For more results, also search for "gentlemen's clubs" and "boobies."

3) Allocate the necessary funds. Strippers, just like any other womens, need to know that you are a provider before they will become interested. Withdraw your life savings into singles. Your bank teller will love you for this.

4) Evaluate the strippers. This will be difficult because strip clubs are poorly lit and filled with smoke; therefore, sit as close to the stage as possible, and tip each lady so she will gyrate close enough to look for c-section scars.

5) Secure some "alone" time. Once you have found the naked lady of your dreams, arrange for a lap dance so you can get to know her in a one-on-one setting. This will require 20s as strippers don't give change or have time to count.

6) Propose marriage. If she agreed to give you a lap dance, she really, really likes you. Present the ring in it's jewel box with the lid open. To ensure success, be sure to coat the lining of the box in chloroform. She's sleeping peacefully because she's happy. Happy to be with you.

We wish you all the best with your new naked lady. Remember, naked womens are a huge responsibility. They require food, water, exstasy and meaningful conversation or they will eat through their cage. What's that? You don't know what to talk about? That's a topic for another edition of How To.

How To: Ace a job interview

The buzzing of the fluorescent lights is all you hear as you sit in the lobby of the office. The receptionist/ secretary/ office manager tries not to look at you as you wait for your name to be called. You regulate your breathing and wipe your sweaty hands on your clothing.

It's job interview time. You're tired of your job as a peon flipping burgers by day and mopping floors by night. This could be your big chance. You'd better not blow it, bub. Luckily, the Guys are here to help you out.

Tools:
Power suit/dress
Fifth of your choice of alcohol
Internet access
Eyes
Chloroform

1) Get liquored up. Want to keep that hand from shaking? It's time to hit the bottle, brother. More than that, it will loosen you up, make you appear more confident in everything you say. After all, a job interview is not about being qualified, it's about appearing so. It will also help you answer their questions more truthfully. You don't want a job you have to lie for anyway, right? We recommend vodka, they won't be able to smell it on your breath.

2) Do background research. It never hurts to know a bit more about the company you are hoping to join. The best research tool for that sort of thing is the Internet. Find the company's web site. Better yet, find the person who will be interviewing you. Use all the resources at your command to learn about their career and interests. Then find their home address. Time for a little recon. Stakeout near his or her place and watch. Do they have a significant other, pets, family? What do you notice about that house? What does it say about them? What are the children's names? Make sure to bring up what you find during the interview.

3) Always make eye contact. This cannot be stressed enough. While being interviewed keep your eyes on the interviewer at all times. If he or she looks away, keep locked on them. That will show you really are intent on getting the job and are awaiting their every command as a future employee.

4) Eliminate the competition. This is the trickiest of all, but if you pull it off, you will prove yourself hungrier than anyone else for the position. Did you ever see Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines? Early on, the T-X cannot find John Connor, so she starts knocking off his subordinates. You must be the T-X in this situation. Sure there is no John Connor, but so what? We are not endorsing murder here, rather just restraining people while remaining anonymous. If they can't identify you, they can't call you out on it. Use your smarts to get the interview list. You can do it.

Now that you have these points nailed, it's time to get in there and knock 'em out of the park like Barry Bonds at the height of his HGH cycle. You can do it, slugger!

How To: Sound smart intelligent

We all want to be smarter than our peers, whether at work, at the bar or on your choice of Internet forums. It's a need we must fill since we can no longer feign offense and duel whenever threatened (stupid anti-killing laws and their activist judges). But if you can't actually be more intelligent, The Guys have cooked up this definitive guide to sounding more intelligent.

Tools:
Any Radiohead CD, or downloaded music since *scoff* nobody buys CDs anymore
Glasses
A handy thesaurus
Vegan lifestyle
A second job to afford more expensive beer
Awareness of the UK

1) Listen to Radiohead. Everyone knows geniuses listen to Radiohead. Bring it up in conversation as much as possible because geniuses require street cred and Nickelback won't cut the mustard.

2) Wear glasses. Whether they are smart and sassy lightweight frames or thick Rivers Cuomo birth control devices, you will instantly appear smarter. If you are trying to appear smarter online, make your avatar a picture of you in your spectacles. To accentuate the point, use ::actions:: to stress your bespectacled nature.

Example:
::cleans glasses to make sure he read that right:: you actually think canada's health system works? have you even seen "kids in the hall?"

3) Adopt a vegan lifestyle. Nothing sets you apart from all of your contemporary dullards like moral superiority. Whenever you discover an animal abuse case, bring it to everyone's attention and mention your lifestyle. Animal abuses include: clubbing mammals, wearing fur, eating meat, selling cats in jars and casually mentioning or joking about any of the following.

4) Always use the bigger word. Every so often, you will accidentally use a smaller, simpler word to make your point. So long as you haven't hit the "submit" button, you still have a chance. Consult your thesaurus and look for the bigger--and, therefore, better--word. A handy rule of thumb is to opt for vowels ending in "-ize." Instead of "use", say "utilize." And why say "changed" when your mailing address could have "evolved?"

5) Never admit you watch television. Television is what the ordinary masses watch, not geniuses. Like your admiration for Radiohead, bring up your non-television viewing habits as much as possible.

Addendum: It is acceptable to say you watch television if it is to only watch PBS, Discovery, the History Channel, C-SPAN Books or foreign language channels. The news is still unacceptable because geniuses read The New York Times or The Wall Street Journal for current events.

6) Become a beer snob. This is a must. The bourgeoisie and proletariats drink Bud Light, so you must change your drinking habits to reflect an assumed worldliness. Unfortunately, tastes require a gradual cultivation. Start with Guinness, although it may be difficult to stomach without Jameson's and Bailey's. Then find a independently owned beer and wine shop, and purchase micro brew sample packs (notice I said "purchase" and not "buy"). Whether you adopt dark, hop-heavy or even Miller High Life clones that cost more, always point out the unrecognizable label and advise others where to find it. That's how they know that you're even a smarter drinker.

7) No matter the situation, offer advice. And when you do so, consider "offer" to be a euphemism. You've been everywhere and observed everything, so there is nothing under the sun that you can't advise on. If someone complains of a headache, ask where it hurts, indicating what part of the brain is effected and what might cause that. When someone is going to buy a house, explain interest rates and the current status of the market to them. Advise military officers as to why their strategies are failing and what to do instead. Even if you are a male, you will explain your girlfriend's reproductive organs to her.

8) Try to sound as British as possible. When you make a joke, do it in the accent, especially if it's one of your killer puns. Also, use popular British English modifiers, such as "quite" and "rather," instead of "very" or "much." When writing, use British spellings as much as possible: "colour." If possible, use their pronunciations for aluminium, or spell them out phonetically. You get bonus genius points if you use the character map to bullet point the syllables in your phonetic spelling.

Now, go forth and be smug, you genius you. You may not have earned it, but you'll convince others that you have.

How To: Survive karaoke

It happens to even the most seasoned of bar flies. When you first walked into the bar, everyone was making fun of the people who were dumb enough to be up there singing karaoke. Now a few drinks in, that fat guy up there really sounds like Aretha Franklin, and aside from the goatee, is starting to look like her. Before you know it, your name is called to go up, even though you never signed up. Here's how to survive karaoke without committing hara-kiri.

Tools:
Vocal chords
Microphone
Cash
Cellular phone
Beverage

1) Bring a bunch of people up with you. This is always your best bet. As your friends shove you to the stage, latch on to as many people as you can. You might as well make them sing with you, after all, it was those bastards who signed you up for it as a lark in the first place. When you have a group, there are more voices to drown your own out, more so, there are rarely more than two microphones available, so you can opt not to sing into one as your friends croon. Let's just hope this is the farewell tour and not the reunion.

2) Come up with a good excuse. What's that guys? I'm next up for karaoke? But I was just about to get up and order us a round of shots. Why don't one of you cover for me? That's how you do it. Think of a good enough reason to be somewhere else at that moment. The more likely it is to benefit your friends, the more forgiving they will be and let you out of your much-anticipated acoustic show. Faking an important cell phone call is another classic. It not only is easy to pull off and saves you from explaining until you get back, but it gets you out of that loud barroom for as long as you please.

3) Improvise like it's your job. Alright, you suck at singing, or at least you know you're not good enough to be performing in front of a live audience, so it's time to get the crowd going. This is a trait of all the best lead singers in history. During a concert, does the lead singer come out, sing the song as he stares at a television screen, looking like he wants to soil himself? No. Only Mick Jagger does that, and it's not from nerves. While the intro is playing, get the crowd pumped--scream into the mic, only coherent at times. Tell everyone to hold their drinks up and take a swig with you. If you get them on your side early, there's a better chance they won't be throwing rotten tomatoes at you later, or at least they will throw fresh ones.

4) Sing "Low Rider." It's a pretty easy song originally performed by War. There are only a few notes, no complicated rhythms, repetitive lyrics and long jam sessions. Even if you have had pieces of your brain removed for scientific experimentation you can easily handle this song. What's that? The karaoke DJ has another song all queued up? Tough cookies, bub. The people want to hear "Low Rider," and by all that is inebriated, that's what the people are going to get!

So there you have it. Commit these tips to memory, because you would look kind of pathetic if you printed this out and brought it out with you. Go out and show them you can duck their lame attempts at pranks, and don't hang around for an encore.

How To: Serve your jail sentence

If recent news has shown us anything, it's that staying in jail is hard to do. Apparently the stark, cramped setting we call prison is--get this--depressing. Without the proper preparations, you may find your self sobbing inconsolably, losing weight, finding religion and calling Barbara Walters. The Guys find that almost as disturbing as what they do to fresh fish, so here's our how-to guide on serving your jail sentence in full.

Tools:
Anus
Prison Stationary (Toilet Paper can substitute)
Pen (Blood can substitute)
Laziness
Magic Marker or Chisel (Blood can substitute again)
Ability to grow facial hair

1) Show up. According to most experts, showing up is 90% of any effort. This is especially true for jail since your only job is to be there ... and the stamping the occasional license plate.

2) Stay there. Seriously, where do you expect to go? It's not like this is the 1930s. You know they're building a fence around Mexico, right? Just think of it like a dorm room, with the promise to your parents that you'll stay there until you can afford a crappy apartment (i.e., a halfway house).

3) Smuggle things in your anus. We know you promised yourself to never do that again after that night in college, but how else can you sneak stuff in? We suggest the following criteria for determining what does or does not go "where the sun don't shine:" is it smaller than a breadbox, and will lubrication ruin it?

4) Get a pen pal. We suggest a former sex offender teacher. They want a relationship in which they are in control, (presumably) know how to write, and seem pretty perverted. You are in a nine-by-nine box with no outside access, can learn to write now that you have no internet, and are definitely perverted. It's a win-win situation.

5) Do not find religion. New religions are like new puppies. Sure, they're cute, but they also generate a lot of poop. Puppies expect you to clean up after them; religions demand it. Not only that, but you're already in jail. What if you pick the wrong religion and wind up in Hell, too? Just mind your P's and Q's, buster, and you can sort out the afterlife once you're out.

6) Do not volunteer for a worker program. What the hell are these people thinking? The state's already feeding you, clothing you, and providing a place to sleep and workout. What do you need to work for? Is there a strip mall in the exercise yard? Use this as a vacation from adult life, once again, like college.

7) Count your days with hash marks. There's a prison cliche that needs to come back. If you're only serving a few weeks for embezzlement, then count the hours. If possible, grow a beard like the Count of Monte Cristo. Stylin'!

Alright, you should be all prepared for the big house. Just keep an eye out for those celebrity prisoners: they're pretty emo. And in the words of Office Space, "Watch your cornhole." Unless, of course, you've got a iPhone in there.

How To: Unclasp a bra

If there's any life lesson rarely passed along to children, it's how to unclasp a bra ... with, hopefully, dignity. Since parents don't realize that kids already get the biological parts explained to them at school and in prison, they often skip the steps leading up to a home run. After all, there are three bases on the way to home plate and you have to touch each bag, and most batters will only reach second during their early careers. In order to fill this gap in your education, the Guys are stepping up to the coach's corner.

Please note that this How To is not just for guys. We like to think this guide will also be helpful to lesbians and women dating transvestites.

Tools:
Hands
Teeth
Derring-do

Instructions:

1. Locate the clapse of the bra. As sex is a death sport (see our future How To on avoiding the HIV), most of your introductory interaction is face-to-face, so you will need to fumble around the back for the tell-tale signs of a dorsal clasp: (a) an overlapping seam where the two straps meet, and (b) the hooks and latches, typically arrayed in 2 or 3 columns and rows.

If no such apparatuses (apparati?) are found, direct your probe to the front between the cups. If the bra is, indeed, front-clasping, then proceed to step 5.

2. Remember that bras are like Zippo lighters. The more panache you show in opening one, the more deserving you are of what's inside (in both cases, fire). You must, therefore, attempt it one-handed before moving on to two-handed approaches.

a. Place your choice of index, middle, or both fingers between the clasp and skin.

b. Place your thumb over the clasp.

c. Apply pressure between your thumb and finger(s) and slide your thumb towards the seam. This motion is similar to a snapping motion, only without the embarrassment of looking like an extra from West Side Story.

d. Repeat only once if method fails. The only thing less sexy than ineptitude is persistent ineptitude.

3. Should step 2 fail, then you'll have to resort to a two-handed method. There's no shame, so long as you get this on the first try.

a. Grasp the bottom strap near the clasp with your thumb between the strap and skin.

b. Grasp the top strap immediately over the clasp.

c. Test the hooks lightly to make sure you won't manhandle the operation, bear-hugging the wearer with underwire.

d. Slide the hooks out of the latches.

e. Do not repeat if method fails.

4. If the two-hand method fails, then resort to brute force. Sure, you'll look like an idiot with a broken bra in your hands, but whoever said that Conan isn't a stud?

a. Grasp each strap firmly in both hands.

b. Say a brief, private prayer. Wait, no. You're probably committing a sin, so any prayer will be either ignored or answered with hilarious consequences.

c. Yank for all you're worth.

d. Present the former wearer with a gift certificate to Victoria's Secret afterwards. You're a beast and a financially responsible provider.

5. Should the bra be fastened in the front, please say you didn't try steps 1-4. If you did and step 4 worked, way to be. Otherwise, fold the bra between the cups inward to towards the wearer's chest. Slide the interlaced hooks apart in opposing vertical motions.

Congratulations! Assuming this was consensual, you should now be the proud witness of a bare chest. For a how-to regarding third base, consult your local library's self-help section. Happy belated Mammorial Day!

How To: Defuse a bomb

In today's topsy-turvy, geopolitically-ambitious and zealotry-driven world, you never know when you will be face-to-face with a ticking time bomb. No, we don't mean the allegorical one that plagues every man, waiting within to destroy all we know and love. We mean the one that plagues Jack Bauer and James Bond, waiting without to destroy their five-o'clock shadow and cool wristwatches. That's why we're teaching you how to defuse a bomb.

Tools:
Fresh underwear (as many pairs as needed)
Swiss Army Knife -- should have Phillips and flat head screwdrivers (little scissors are optional, but kinda prissy)
Handkerchief
You -- yes, you ... are a tool.
Someone you care about/have sex with (unless any of the above apply)

1. Determine the origin of the bomb, and then mutter a witty remark using the bomb's maker as the punchline. For example: If the bomb was set by Al Qaeda, you say, "I Qaeda wanna get out of here." If it was set by someone younger than you, you say, "I'm getting too old for this s--t." And if it was set by former two non-consecutive terms President James Garfield, you say, "I hate Mondays."

2. Change underwear as necessary. And be honest about it: the woman or Swiss Army Knife you love is there for what may very well be your last moment on Earth together.

3. Using the Swiss Army Knife (that you may or may not love) screwdrivers, open the panel that accesses wires and components within. Don't forget about step 2.

4. Stare intently at the three wires. This is to convince the person/knife you love that you are perfectly capable of analyzing the inner workings of the bomb and that your mutual safety is assured. In reality, you will use either "Eeny Meeny Miny Mo" or "One Potato" to choose which wire to cut first.

WARNING: Do not use "Bubblegum Bubblegum in a Dish" to eliminate wires as they are wires and cannot tell you how many pieces they do, in fact, wish.

5. Once you have chosen the first wire to cut, mutter a witty remark that makes light of your potential explosion. For example: "Here goes everything."

WARNING: Do not use this or any step to tell the person/appliance of your fancy that you love them. I mean, what if they don't feel the same way? That's just selfish.

6. Cut that wire. Closing your eyes may be necessary to heighten tension.

7. Repeat steps 4 through 6 -- and possibly step 2 -- until timer stops or bomb detonates.

8. Should you actually defuse the bomb, casually wait for the bomb squad to arrive. Loudly mutter a witty remark about their tardiness. For example: "Welcome to the party, boys. It's dy-no-mite!"

9. Walk away with the person/multifunctional utility that you adore, knowing that you have prevailed in defending life, liberty, and the pursuit of sex.

How To: Change a flat tire

How To is a new feature for SG. It's not going to have any regularity to it. We just figured since we're Guys, we know how to do everything, or at least think we do. So enjoy, and as always, we would love to hear feedback.

1) Pull over. You hear your tire pop, or perhaps you don't. You just notice your car is suddenly tipping to one side. Better check it out. If you are in a bad neighborhood, it might be a better idea to ride the rims to a gas station. If you pull over, examine all of the tires closely. The one you need to change is probably the one without air.

2) Get out the tools. Time to get to work. Open your trunk, find the spare tire and a wrench. IF you don't have those. Take out your cell phone and call a tow truck.

3) Look as butch as possible. This applies to both women and men. When you're changing a tire, you need to look as manly as possible. Puff out your shoulders, look mean, then attack the tire. Use the wrench to unscrew the doohickeys from the wheel. While you are doing this, it is advisable to lie down partially in the street. This will call the attention of passing drivers to your macho act, thus keeping you safe.

4) Take the tire off. Really, if you don't get this one, you have no business changing a tire.

5) Curse. It is at this point you should realize you should have also had a jack to lift your car up. You have just messed up your car. Since you don't have a jack, it's time to have some Jack.