Alabama is trying to kill me

I figured I'd post this one before the other guys got a chance: STDs are on the rise in Alabama, and the main culprit is abstinence-only sex education.

Key Quote: "The subject of condoms, under the state course of study guidelines, is not broached, [said state Department of Education spokeswoman Edith Parten]."

The Guys are concerned, not because of the lack of education, but because I'm here in Alabama. That's why we recommend the following healthy practices:

• Do not sit on toilet seats in any restroom that isn't yours. Okay, don't sit on yours, either. We might be in the neighborhood and need to use it.
  
  
• Use a giant hamster ball to get around. Absitence isn't enough. Even AIDS is transmitted through phone handsets, unregulated hugging and tear consumption.
  
  
• Stay out of the doctor's office. You know what's in the waiting room? Sick people. It's like a zombie movie, only with soap operas and Highlights Magazine in the background.

Stay strong, people. But more importantly, stay home.