How To: Drive a car

Let's face it, in order to make it in this world, you have to have a car. That is unless you live in New York City, where citizens are not allowed to drive, for they are surely insane if they live there in the first place, this is why cab drivers are foreign.

Because driving a motor vehicle is so important, we are here to help.

Tools:

A car (obviously)

Screwdriver

Blindfold

1) Get going. You've climbed into your Pinto and are raring to go. First things first: do not use a seatbelt. These are only for wussies who are afraid of a little windshield. Next, take your screwdriver and jam it into the ignition. Jiggle it around until you can turn it and bingo, your car is started. Adjust your mirrors, then crank your stereo system as loud as it can go, if you have the option of bass levels, blast that, too. People love it when you set off car alarms from 40 paces and they are just dying to hear what cool tunes you are listening to. Now pull out on to the road.

2) Be safe. Ah, ah, ah! Aren't we forgetting something? That's right, now that you're on the road, lean on your horn and do not lay off of it until you reach your destination. The horn will announce your presence far more easily than your music, which can only be heard if you stand next to the open windows. Because drivers will be aware of your presence, they will be more cautious around you. Another good way to keep drivers remembering not to hit you is by constantly flashing your headlights.

3) Obey the rules of the road. We all know the old addage "those on the road make the rules." This is also referred to as freestyle driving. Feel like chatting on your cell phone while eating a quadruple-quarter pounder with cheese? Go for it! Want to pop a wheelie off of the curb? Give it a shot! Remember, no matter what you do, never use your directional signals. It is always best to keep your fellow drivers guessing.

4) Select a parking spot. Finally, you have reached your destination, the local police felt you did such a good job, you can see they are escorting you, only they are behind you instead of in front. No matter! The key to parking is finding the right spot. If at all possible, park on a curb, this will protect your vehicle from getting dings from others. If a curb is not available, find a parking lot. These are large paved areas with a bunch of lines. Think of these lines as yard lines and you're playing football, try to get your vehicle to cross as many yard lines as possible when you park. For more advanced parking, blindfold yourself in the parking lot and gun the engine. Stop whenever you feel like it.

You now have the skills required to operate a motor vehicle, so remember you may not be as good at first, but if you stick to the tips and practice several times a day, you will be motorin' along in no time!

(Photo by Catherine Haring)