Ask Dr. Snee, Guy-necologist: Steroids

So I've started receiving medical questions since a few posts on diseases and lifting weights. I'm going to state for the record that I am not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or do I play one on television. But, boy-howdy, am I opinionated, which is good enough in the blog world.

Lately, I've been inundated with questions concerning steroids, which makes me wonder if people think I take them. I don't, but I've read enough news stories to form an opinion.

Will my steroids for poison ivy make me superstrong? I'm going to do push ups to see if I bulk up any faster.

Well, you go ahead. Chances are that you weren't doing push-ups in the first place, so, yes, you will bulk up, but, no, it won't be because of the steroids.

The only steroids that will make you bulk up are the ones offered in that important, yet often ignored, folder in your gmail account: spam. Inside, you will find a better You: bigger erections, Nigerian wealth, home employment and, of course, performance enhancing drugs. In order to capitalize on these opportunities, you must open each and every one and their attachments.

This answer was brought to you by The Internet Foundation for Imprease Her Know.

If I take steroids, will I get 'roid rage?

'Roid rage. Pfft. That's a myth.

The truth is that steroids work like gamma rays, and what happens when you bombard a nerd with gamma rays? That's right, you turn into Lou Ferrigno. Mr. Ferrigno doesn't yell and break things because he's angry, but because he's deaf and must get his point across to you, AND ... YOU ... JUST ... WON'T .... LISTEN!

Will steroids really shrink my [testicles]?

[This is a medical column, so "balls" only refers to weighted ones used for sit-ups. --RS]

Of course not. The testicle isn't a muscle, so it remains the same size while the rest of you becomes massive. Think of your testicles like your head and use them to track your progress. When your head appears the size of a grapefruit and your testes look like marbles, then you know you're ripped. Go ahead and tear a phone book in half. You've earned it.

Rick Snee is not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or play one on television. He's just really opinionated, which is good enough for blogging. To submit your own questions to Dr. Snee, guy-necologist, post comments below or email the good doctor.