Ask Dr. Snee, Guynecologist: When medicine doesn't work

Since last session's steroidfest, I've started receiving questions that relate to the practice of medicine. There are a lot of factors that play into a successful treatment, so it's important to examine these when the ordinary procedure goes extraordinarily wrong.

A New Zealand man had back surgery and seemed to be missing his false teeth. The surgeons had no idea where they were. Then they found them in the back of the man's throat. If you're having back surgery, aren't you lying on your stomach? [Shouldn't] the forces of gravity should prevent teeth from traveling upward into your throat?

There are multiple definitions of gravity. The one you're refering to is the physics law that was coined by the layabout Isaac Newton, and then modified by Albert Einstein. Any geek knows that gravity doesn't pull, though; it sucks.

This is where the other definition of gravity comes from: the dramatic level of suckiness in any given situation. In this case, the guy was getting back surgery, which already sucks. But he also lost his teeth or wore dentures, which really sucks. And whatever led up to losing his teeth and screwing up his back really sucked. Therefore, the drama of his situation was a black hole of sheer suckitude, drawing his teeth into his throat, generating more gravity to this medical procedure.

As you can see, nothing sucks more than gravity.

Dr. Snee, what's the deal with the massive amounts of staph infections rising up and killing people just 30 minutes from where I currently reside?

These staph infections are probably caused by obesity, smoking, cell phones, stress and terrori--

Oh, who am I kidding here? Those are the answers we doctors give whenever we can't cure something.

The truth is that God is a vainglorious son of a whore. It wasn't enough to stump doctors with the common cold, the flu, AIDS and cancer. Now the bastard has made bacteria resistant to antibiotics.

I'm through with you, you creator of plagues! I'm just a man! Why must you piss all over my life's work? Why?! You don't deserve my donations to the collection plate every Sunday!

Why, you supernatural boogedy man?! Don't you know how much time and money I didn't put into medical school? Why? Why? WHY?!?!

Screw you, God! Screw you and your trickster ways!

GAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHD!!!

Rick Snee is not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or an actor that plays one on television. He's just really opinionated, which is good enough for blogging. To submit your own questions to Dr. Snee, Guynecologist, post comments below or email the good doctor.