How To: Enjoy a scary movie

You normally can't handle yourself at scary movies. That's why you avoid them, especially after the incident with the popcorn in the movie theater. How were you to know the butter was scalding hot, or that face would pop out of nowhere, causing you to fling the bucket into the air and douse 14 people. And how were you to know the butter would not harm a person, but just somehow one kernel would travel down a man's throat killing him, probably permanently? (Weird how we knew that story about you, huh?)

Fear not, we're going to take the fear out of scary movies, so you won't scream like a little girl at every jump, even if you are a little girl who is too young to be watching such cinema, even if it is nearly Halloween.

Tools:
Eyelids
Imagination
Negative view of humanity

1) Close your eyes. Think about it. You're in a dark room with a bunch of people not looking at you. If you just listen to the whole movie, who will know the difference? After all, no one gets scared listening to the radio, that is unless they're listening to Rush Limbaugh.

2) Find the trends. You've seen Scream, or at least you tried to. They reveal pretty much all of the secrets scary movies use. For example, if there is a multi-racial cast, it is required by federal law that at least one if not all black people are killed off before anyone else. Also try to avoid growing attached to characters in love with each other, they will die. Do you know why? Because love will get you killed one day.

3) Chill out. Quit getting so into the movie for Pablo's sake! Get distracted every now and then. Try to remember if you turned the oven off before you left the house. Wonder how wide the screen is in centimeters. Make the occasional comment about how lame the dialog is. The bottom line is you need to forget about the knife-wielding maniac looming just over your shoulder. He is most likely harmless, anyway.

4) Become really cynical. This works best at zombie movies. Why? Because the world is ending, it's just a big scramble to see who will die last. The characters are convinced they can be live and find someplace safe, despite that fact that there are undead popping out, showing off their most recent dental work and indicating they are quiet hungry and not picky eaters. The characters band together to try to survive, but at some point, they all die. In such cases, it's fun to take yourself out of connecting with the characters, and instead laughing at humanity in general. Witness people at their most primal and marvel at how they find ways to get offed. Feel free to root for the zombies. This principal can be applied, with more effort, to other scary movies, just replace zombies with the murderer. The group dynamics are not all that different.

There you have it. There is no way you can be phased by the creepiest of creepies. So sit back and laugh at your friends as they jump and squeal. I'll be right back.

Oh my god, did I really just say that? I'm going to die.