How To: Dance, sucka!

Your palms are sweaty, your legs are wooden (hopefully figuratively) and you pitched a tent in your Dockers. Despite all of this, you are still expected to dance.

It's a conundrum that guys like us have faced our entire lives. We are discouraged from dancing at home, but are expected to once we go to any nightclub or wedding, and it'd better be good because, "How you dance is how you are in bed." Unfortunately, you can't fight social convention, so it's time to bite that lip and give it your worst. Whereas Footloose and Hitch have failed you, The Guys understand and will help you as much as we can.

Tools:
A right foot, apparently
A mouthguard to prevent lip-biting

1) Barter.
When a dancing event comes up, get romantic. By romantic, we mean schedule something else that same day that doesn't involve dancing: a picnic in Italy, cuddling in an igloo, taking a six-month cruise to Australia, anything. Money is no object, and the pride that you sacrifice with these steps is nothing compared to the lifetime embarrassment of someone else's wedding video.

2) Compromise.
Eventually, you will run out of money/time off. You'll have to bargain here. Fortunately, it's not too tough.

Schedule a meeting with all males attending this shindig. If this is for a wedding, then this is called a bachelor party. Between strippers and lines of coke, suggest the following plan:

The men will get drunk and will only dance to slow songs. Club Nature* will take over and the women will dance with each other to complicated songs because, really, that's what they want. If we're having a good time, they won't feel obligated to drag us up there.

So long as every male is on-board, there will be no problem. And anyone can slow dance. We're pretty sure white guys invented slow dancing in the 16th century to figure out what was booty, and what was bustle.

3) Lie.
Oh, crap. They want to do the Electric Slide. The Electric Slide may be unisex, but--like anything else sexually ambiguous--this will not bode well for you.

You must lie and convincingly. There are rules here:

3.1) Don't use any psychological reasons. These just invite therapeutic measures like facing your fear or reverse psychology. There's a reason why women are more likely to major in mental health degrees, and that's because they have a natural ability in psychology. (See: Dirty Rotten Scoundrels.)

3.2) If you use a physical condition, there must be evidence of it. This means planning ahead. Have an air cast already on, or bite the bullet and stab yourself in the leg with a broken beer bottle. Head injuries are out because you already dance like you have one.

4) Bite that bullet.
Once all of your options have run out, punish everyone by doing exactly what they want.

If angry sex is so great, then why not angry dancing? Nothing says you're hardcore like moshing to "Love Shack." Before you can cold cock a second bridesmaid, you will be forcefully removed from the premises, which include the dance floor.

Or, there's the strip approach. Male stripping is a close-second to slow dancing because naked men aren't supposed to dance well. Pitch articles of clothing into the crowds, spin a couple of times and thrust your groin. Make an earnest attempt to unfasten your pants, and you will most likely be escorted off of the dance floor. And if nobody stops you, you will be known as a legend. After all, you already dance like a date rapist; why not go the full monty measure?

Remember: it's manly to dance when you might cause a riot. Stick by these rules, and your life should remain blissfully dance-free for the rest of your life.

*club nature: Women go to clubs to dance with each other because men are rarely good dancers. Unless we are gay, we are always creepy when we dance (not matter how gracefully) with women. Probably because of our boners.