How To: Manage a PR nightmare

Being famous and/or powerful isn't all it's cracked up to be. If there's anyone that knows that, it's the SG reader. Our readers, as you are no doubt aware, are among the most prestigious and high-ranking in industry and commerce today. They turn to us for our insight.

Those in the spotlight are always destined to mess up, because they are only human. However, the spotlight remains, because people love to see a fall from grace. So what did you do? Drunkenly rant about Jews to a police officer? Drop the N-bomb? Serve as a GOP member of the U.S. Senate? The Guys understand, and we are here to help.

Tools:
Charm
Fake Tears

1) Deny, deny, deny. Go Bush administration on their asses. Someone says they saw you dressed in drag the other night? Question that person's character, after all, he should not have been at a drag bar anyway, right? Learn these words, "I am insulted by these baseless attacks against my character and my good name. I swear on my family I will fight until I am proven innocent."

2) Blame someone, anyone else. So they seem to have you pinned on this one. It's time to show you are a victim of this unfortunate incident. Sticking with the drag scenario, blame the bar owners for not clearly posting the establishment's intentions outside. After all, you were simply thirsty and found the company of your fellow man, granted, he was wearing a dress. Isn't dressing up what Halloween is all about? If you can't enjoy Halloween, you are un-American, and frankly, the public should not listen to such drivel from un-American smear artists. Be sure to throw in a jab to the media for their relentless coverage, just for good measure.

3) Context is everything. Your detractors think they can get away with saying such things about you, ruthlessly attacking your family's sense of pride? Hit back with the old "it was irresponsibly taken out of context defense." This only works when where is a recording, be it audio or video, of the alleged scandal. Sure, if you look at the snippet of video, it looks like you were grinding on that burly guy in a tutu if that's what they tell you it looks like. But if you tell the public your version of what it looks like, they will believe you. You owe it to them to explain that perhaps after a drink or two, your coordination was off. You dropped a quarter on the floor, and suddenly realizing the bar you were in, decided not to bend at the waist to pick it up. Instead, you bent at the knees to get the quarter. That man in the tutu just happened to be flittering by as you did so. The smile on your face is out of embarrassment. It's so clear.

4) Be a man. Suck it up and own up to what happened. In your heart, you know you are innocent of these seemingly hypocritical actions, but it is now obvious public opinion will never shift in your favor. Call a press conference and huff some hot sauce, it's time for waterworks in front of the cameras. As you tearfully say how much you regret your actions and the damage it has caused, remember, you need to shoulder all the blame while displacing it at the same time. This is a tricky maneuver. Why did you dance in that drag bar? Hell if you know, but it was probably something stemming from your abusive upbringing, which then lead to your drinking problem. It's all your fault, but it's not your fault, because these things were put on you. Announce to everyone that you are going into rehab. This cures everything.

5) Sharptonia. Press still hounding you? It's time to schedule a public meeting with Rev. Al Sharpton. It doesn't matter what you did, Sharpton can help you. Think of it in Catholic terms: you are going to confession and Sharpton is the priest hearing your sins. Sure, he's no Catholic, but he is a man of God, is he not? After he boycotts everything you touch, he will absolve you of your sins and you are free to go and sin no more.

There you have it. You have successfully managed to kill the story that threatened to destroy you and everything you love. Now that you have earned your reprieve, live your life as squeakily-clean as possible. If you can't do that, at least wear a fake beard the next time you put on that little black dress.