Cosmonauts pack, too?!?!

Space exploration a la American has been boring for its entire history: tests, exploratory probes, an occasional man on the moon, growing plants in zero-G. Oh yeah, and the lady astronauts are crazy stalkers. There is no reason to want to become an astronaut, which is probably why NASA has started recruiting online.

The Russian cosmonaut is pretty much the improbable offspring of Han Solo and Captain Kirk: they get vodka rations, probably smoke because that's what movies say Europeans do and--as The Telegraph reports--carry awesome space guns.

Key Quote: The unique pistol has three barrels which fire hunting rounds as well as rifle bullets and signal flares. Its butt serves as a machete and a spade.

Anyone familiar with my work for Whim knows that I want to be a cosmonaut, and you can help that dream come true. Log in to Facebook and join this group. I promise that if you help me, I will become enough of a media nuisance to make space exploration as awesome as Firefly meant it to be.