Eat My Sports: Fantasy football

Let me preface this entire column by stating for the record that I cannot stand Tom Brady. He's a pretty boy who works for a cheating organization, and spends more time on the cover of men's health magazines and in gossip columns than he does reading a play book.

But good God do I love Tom Brady the fantasy player. And yes, I realize that after calling him a pretty boy, calling him a "fantasy player" doesn't exactly sound too heterosexual, but those involved in fantasy football get the point.

Any one out there play fantasy football? The answer I know is a resounding yes. Millions of Americans have been suckered into this system where we are forced to care about players based on there statistics. People even put players on their rosters that are on their most hated rivals. Why? Because you want to prove to your friends that you know more about pro football than they do. Bragging rights, and a nice cash pool at the end also make for a nice incentive.

Me, I had never played before this season. Never understood the concept or system. Now, I'm so submerged in the thing, that I actually paid $10 for a stat tracking system that follows my players' point totals. That folks, is asinine. Ten dollars could get Eddie Murphy a transvestite. As I was saying though, I'm so into it now, that it actually looks like a worthwhile purchase. The stat tracker, not the transvestites. Though fellow Guy Rick Snee might argue otherwise.

My problem with it though, is it is forcing fans to become sellouts. Vikings fans who have Brett Favre in their league, Cowboys fans with Santana Moss, anyone involved in the first two Spider-Man movies ACTUALLY endorsing the third as a good film ... sorry, I needed to take a shot at that movie somehow. Sam Raimi, you owe me. My point though is that this system is forcing people to give a crap about people like the Atlanta Falcons backup running back Jerious Norwood, solely for the purpose that if Warrick Dunn gets injured, they have a chance of having a fantasy sleeper impact player.

Me, I'm a Steelers fan. I've watched painfully through the years as Tom Brady and his group of goody two shoes teammates crush two of our Super Bowl contending teams. Just for the record Pats fans, Tom Brady is not God, and he did not win you those Super Bowls, Adam Vinatieri did. Now he's winning them in Indianapolis, this is not coincidence like your grandfather's "cough medicine" that smells strangely like John Daniel's. Further side note: Yes, I can call him John.

Through unfortunate circumstances, when it came time for me to pick my fantasy quarterback this year, those dreamy eyes looked up and said "pick me, Bryan, pick me." As much as I loathe the man, Tom Brady became my fantasy ... quarterback. Now, four weeks into the season, Tom Brady is the ONLY reason I have managed to obtain a .500 record due to his 120.32 points he's earned me. To put that in perspective folks, my point total as of right now is 478.32. I feel dirty and cheap, but so goooooood because I'm winning. I guess I feel like the Patriots' camera crew. Bazing!