From the SeriouslyGuys Vault: July 3, 1863

Friday, July 3, 1863

Divided nation calls for an address

Stop. SeriouslyGuys, your source for news by way of the new "telegraph machine," has just learned that Union forces have defeated General Robert E. Lee at the agricultural hub that is known as Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. Stop.

No longer will Johnny Reb feast on the fat of northern land. Lee obviously wanted to show that his forces were not just whistling "Dixie." If only that phrase would catch on.

This telegraph news service thinks it is time for our beloved president, whom we believe is the best our nation has had since Millard Fillmore, to give us some kind of a speech at the now-hallowed ground. Perhaps it could start off with some flashy way of saying how many years our proud country has existed.