From the SeriouslyGuys Vault: July 3, 1863

Friday, July 3, 1863

Divided nation calls for an address

Stop. SeriouslyGuys, your source for news by way of the new "telegraph machine," has just learned that Union forces have defeated General Robert E. Lee at the agricultural hub that is known as Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. Stop.

No longer will Johnny Reb feast on the fat of northern land. Lee obviously wanted to show that his forces were not just whistling "Dixie." If only that phrase would catch on.

This telegraph news service thinks it is time for our beloved president, whom we believe is the best our nation has had since Millard Fillmore, to give us some kind of a speech at the now-hallowed ground. Perhaps it could start off with some flashy way of saying how many years our proud country has existed.

From the SeriouslyGuys Vault: February 21, 1848

Monday, February 21, 1848

Karl Marx: ladies man

London, UK: Karl Marx, 30, is the most eligible bachelor in London this season! The young bachelor has just published The Communist Manifesto, which we haven't read yet but presume to be a gripping mystery/thriller like the works of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

Marx was born in Prussia in 1818, but left to help lead a revolution against the French. Anyone who helps maim French people can't be bad, right ladies?

From the SeriouslyGuys Vault: February 14, 1779

On Sundaye, the 14'th Daye of February, 1779

Cook gets Goose cook'd



Captain James Cook, bolde Explorer of th' British Navie, was kill'd by Natifes of the Sandwich Islands. Th' Hawaiianes, as th' Savages call thimselves, were convinced that Cook and Co. were Gods.

Th' Jig, as they saye, was up when one of Cook's Creue had the Indecencie to die, prov'ng to th' Savages that they were, in facte, Mortals.

Our modest Moral: when one decides to play a God, one must be sure to aske Him first.

From the SeriouslyGuys Vault: February 7, 1971

Sunday, February 7, 1971

Worst named military operation over

Yes, the military has ended Operation Dewey Canyon II: the second thrust into the fertile crevices of Laos after the first insertion ended in a failed climax.

The soldiers will presumably dry off, take a cold shower and do some push-ups after another embarassing letdown by the South Vietnamese. The US soldiers were, of course, not allowed in the action, so they are probably feeling pent up.

However, they may not have to wait for long. An unidentified source in the Pentagon has disclosed a potential Operation Drippy Cock.

From the SeriouslyGuys Vault: January 31, 1990

Wednesday, January 31, 1990

McDonald's heralds end of 'Red Empire'

McDonald's has struck a deathblow for capitalism in the very heart of Soviet Russia, much more a deathblow than Rocky Balboa's defeat of Captain Ivan Drago.

The fastfood chain openned its first franchise in Moscow. Inexplicably, the Soviet proles are lining up and spending an alleged "several days' wages for Big Macs, shakes, and french fries." This tlog guesses that Quarter Pounders are somewhat tastier than gruel and hardened bread. (Guess what the special sauce is there.)

The Guys predict the USSR will be done for in one year. Remember, you read it here first.

From the Seriously Guys Vault: Jauary 34, 1935

SG Historian Note: This may have been the first instance of Booze News, but we'll keep searching the Vault.

Thursday, January 24, 1935

Yes we can

Just two years after the end of Prohibition, beermakers have innovated our drinking habits with canned beer.

Breweries have perfected a technique of coating the inside of cans so that the beer does not taste like tin.

This rlog (radio log) can't wait to drink away the rest of this Depression. Anyone got a can opener?

From the SeriouslyGuys Vault: January 17, 1994

Monday, January 17, 1994

It's good to be the president?

Paula Jones accused President Bill Clinton of sexual harrassment and defamation of character. The former Arkansas state clerk is suing for $700,000.

We briefly spoke with President Clinton:

SG: Mr. President, did you have sex with Ms. Jones?
BC: No. I did not have sexual relations with that woman.
SG: Whew--we believe you. Man, was she a dog.
BC: I don't know, she kinda reminded me of Fran Drescher.
SG: Does Ms. Jones sound like her?

This tlog (TV log) is fairly sure that even if President Clinton nailed Paula Jones, he's learned his lesson and will never abuse his power again ... or at least use it to abuse something that's housebroken.

From the SeriouslyGuys Vault: January 10, 1923

Wednesday, January 10, 1923

Nice Germans ready for their own country

President Warren G. Harding has ordered all remaining American soldiers in Germany home.

The president justified the order, citing increasing resentment from German civilians of the occupation force.

In a man-on-the-street interview, we spoke with a dapper young man: Adolf Hitler.

"The United States can go home," said Herr Hitler, a really nice guy with a swell little mustache. "We're not planning anything, and certainly not a massive government overthrow, military buildup or extermination of our Jews. Where would you get those ideas?"

We responded: "What are you talking about?"

"I hear nothing," Hitler said.

From the SeriouslyGuys Vault: January 3, 1521

On this Thursday, the third Daye of Januarie, in the one-thousandth five hundr'd twenty-furst Yeare of our Lord

Pope cares not for smell of Luther's thesies

Pope Leo the Tenth excommunicated th' Heratick Martin Luther t'day for say'ng mean, hertful Things 'bout th' Holy Church in His nin'ty-five thesies.

"I, Pope Leo the Tenth, hearbye banesh one Martin Luther for being an insolunt Bugger and hope he burns in Hell on th' morrow, or ashuredly by next week Thursday," the Pope sayed.

Luther could not be reech'd for comment, His Assistunt saying He was "endesposed."

From the SeriouslyGuys Vault: July 17

It has come to this blog's attention that many of you dear, misinformed readers believe we've been at the news game for 5 months. In truth, we have always been THE source for the inane, bizzare, and typographically-erroneous since the early days of papyrus and clay tablets. Heck, we're tougher and farther-reaching than Opus Dei, the Knights Templar, and Red Cross combined.

To remedy this grievous misconception, we present a new feature: From the SeriouslyGuys Vault.

Saterday, July 17, 1790

Mercantilifm Enventor cashed out

Adam Smythe, who changed Wyrlde Economicks with His Booke, The Welthe of Nations, dyed. His Remaines were shipped to England for finale procefing.


Sunday, July 17, 1938

Headline of the Day (and maybe Century)

Aviation nincompoop Douglas "Wrong Way" Corrigan missed California by almost 6,000 miles!


Thursday, July 17, 1952

Attention Germans

We decoded this message on our original 1890 Ouija board:

"Deutchlund, rejoice! The Beachjogger is born, who shall arrive in spoken chariot to redeem your culture from the dark days of world war and division."