How To: Ace a job interview

The buzzing of the fluorescent lights is all you hear as you sit in the lobby of the office. The receptionist/ secretary/ office manager tries not to look at you as you wait for your name to be called. You regulate your breathing and wipe your sweaty hands on your clothing.

It's job interview time. You're tired of your job as a peon flipping burgers by day and mopping floors by night. This could be your big chance. You'd better not blow it, bub. Luckily, the Guys are here to help you out.

Tools:
Power suit/dress
Fifth of your choice of alcohol
Internet access
Eyes
Chloroform

1) Get liquored up. Want to keep that hand from shaking? It's time to hit the bottle, brother. More than that, it will loosen you up, make you appear more confident in everything you say. After all, a job interview is not about being qualified, it's about appearing so. It will also help you answer their questions more truthfully. You don't want a job you have to lie for anyway, right? We recommend vodka, they won't be able to smell it on your breath.

2) Do background research. It never hurts to know a bit more about the company you are hoping to join. The best research tool for that sort of thing is the Internet. Find the company's web site. Better yet, find the person who will be interviewing you. Use all the resources at your command to learn about their career and interests. Then find their home address. Time for a little recon. Stakeout near his or her place and watch. Do they have a significant other, pets, family? What do you notice about that house? What does it say about them? What are the children's names? Make sure to bring up what you find during the interview.

3) Always make eye contact. This cannot be stressed enough. While being interviewed keep your eyes on the interviewer at all times. If he or she looks away, keep locked on them. That will show you really are intent on getting the job and are awaiting their every command as a future employee.

4) Eliminate the competition. This is the trickiest of all, but if you pull it off, you will prove yourself hungrier than anyone else for the position. Did you ever see Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines? Early on, the T-X cannot find John Connor, so she starts knocking off his subordinates. You must be the T-X in this situation. Sure there is no John Connor, but so what? We are not endorsing murder here, rather just restraining people while remaining anonymous. If they can't identify you, they can't call you out on it. Use your smarts to get the interview list. You can do it.

Now that you have these points nailed, it's time to get in there and knock 'em out of the park like Barry Bonds at the height of his HGH cycle. You can do it, slugger!