How To: Lift weights

Look at you. You're scrawny--or fat--and weak and you most likely get sand kicked in your face by the ghost of Charles Atlas. It's time to man up; and by man up, we mean hang out with a bunch of bulky guys in tank tops and short shorts. So load your iPod with all the rap metal you never wanted, because we’re going to teach you how to lift weights.

Tools:
A wifebeater (According to Wal-Mart, this is an "a-shirt.")
Short shorts
Um, "support" for your man parts
An iPod loaded with rap metal
A gym
A GNC store

1) Dress appropriately. Remember those mean guys from the beach? Guess where they go when they aren't with your girlfriend. That's right, smart guy. You're trying to join their little club, so you better look like you belong. The proper attire consists of:

• A wifebeater.
  
• Short shorts. The shorter, the better.
  
• Some contraption for keeping your naughty bits in checkmate.
  
• The coolest sneakers you can afford. The discerning beefcake spends at least two months' salary on footwear.

2) Get thyself to a gym-ery. There are two factors to consider before selecting a gym:

• Are there girls there? They’re not only great eye-candy, but they lift less than you (well, maybe not in your case) and they give you something to talk about with the manly men.
  
• Do they have awesome t-shirts? How do people know you go to a gym? Why, you're wearing the T-shirt. And it features a Boris Vallejo-style naked guy fighting three lions on it.

3) Do some bench press. This first exercise will make your chest massive. It is also the loudest, angriest exercise if you grunt sufficiently. This workout will prepare you for such manly feats as benching a Taiwanese hooker and pushing off cars that Magneto threw at you.

4) Do some bicep curls. You know that make-a-muscle pose you've been making since grade school where you bend your arm and flex? That’s your bicep at the bend. No, not your elbow--the top part. There you go. Do a bunch of curls for these, too. Their purpose is to make you look cooler when you invite friends and family to "the gun show." When they get big enough, kiss them for emphasis.

NOTE: If you finish both exercises and aren't tired yet, then find something to punch for a while. Do not do any other exercises. Other exercises are for soccer players, and who plays soccer? Women and foreigners, that’s who. Nobody wants to be a foreigner.

5) Go to GNC. You think you’ll get in shape by exercising? Pfft. You need drugs, and for the sake of our SeriouslyLawyers, you need legal drugs. Buy anything that doesn’t say "Women's" on it or contains soy. Take more than the recommended dosage, six meals a day.

Yes, we said "six meals a day." You're eating for three now: yourself, your right nut and your left nut. And by meals, we mean steak. If you get tired of steak, then eat ribs.

By now, you should be well on your way to kicking sand in other people's faces. But don't feel bad when you do because, by crushing their bloated self-image, you've now inspired someone else to join your gym. That means a lower monthly gym fee for you and someone smaller than you working out there.

Now hit the showers, stinky. Your new friends will meet you there.