Your 'generous bazoongas' and you

An author is on the warpath after her children's book, Trouble on Tarragon Island, was banned in a Canadian elementary school for the controversial phrase "generous bazoongas."

As voluntary supporters of all breasts everywhere, The Guys firmly advocate the right to bear generous bazoongas. We believe these, like the contested porn store in Virginia, can only contribute to communities, be it through beautification or even feeding the homeless.

Wait a minute: "What they say about my grandmother is true," the girl says. "She does have generous bazoongas, and all of Tarragon Island has seen them."

On second thought, there are limits to every right.

Sometimes they come back--the other unknown direct to DVD sequel

News flash: a 37-year-old man was found alive after he had reportedly cremated. Police were still unsure of just what this turn of events meant, as all they could report was that at the hospital where he was being checked up on, the man kept uttering "Send more paramedics."

Happy Halloween from SG

We're getting word that today is Halloween, better known as Day 1 of the Christmas shopping season, according to retailers. To help celebrate we're putting a temporary pause on our zombie watch, since so many will be out this evening. But the truce ends in the morning.

Heading out to a Halloween party? Try not to pass out while in costume. Passengers on a German train saw a man slumped over, covered in blood. They tried to wake him, but he was unresponsive. Fearing him dead, they called authorities, only to find he was passed out drunk and in costume.

In other news, still not sure what to go as tonight?

Night of the sleeping nude

We've all heard about how sleep aids can lead to sleep walking, eating, driving, even having sex. So clearly, it's not a good idea to take such pills if this kind of thing ends up happening to you. However, a hotel chain in England is having a new problem.

Sleepwalking naked people have increased sevenfold in the past year, mostly dudes, or as they say in England, blokes. As the story suggests, these people may not actually be sleepwalking, they may be some kind of zombie pranksters, bent on disrupting a peaceful English evening. We need to keep that island nation isolated, like in 28 Days Later. The zombie plague must be quarantined!

How To: Fake your own death

Every so often, you will need a new identity. Maybe you're from a race of immortals who must occasionally submit a death certificate to avoid arousing suspicion. Or perhaps you haven't paid your bills in five years. And then there's always doing it because you don't want to kill yourself, but you'd like to make everyone pay for not going to your choice at the movies ("You'll miss me and 3:10 to Yuma when I'm gone!"). Whatever: you have your reasons. But the only thing worse than a prat fall is a transparent prat fall that fools nobody. That's why The Guys will now explain how to fake your own death.

Tools:
A fake will/insurance policy (optional)
Fire
A safe house or travel plans

1) Don't prepare anything for your "demise."
If you don't have a will, don't suddenly write one. And, for the love of Gene Krupa, do not take out a new life insurance policy on yourself.* Don't leave extra food for your pets, shut off the power to your home, cancel your subscription to Vogue or anything else that signals you're going out for longer than an afternoon. The less you prepare for your "death," the less likely people will think you had something planned.

*Exception: if the purpose is to frame someone for your murder, then draft an insurance policy/will that leaves everything to them.

2) Always use fire as your means of death.
Why fire? It's the in-vogue fear right now. Thanks to the California fires being leaked to arson--or, according to Fox News, Al Qaeda--it's the number three fear on people's minds behind spiders and men's room propositions. This means that they will have the proper sense of outrage/convincing that you intended. You can even leave your burnt-up body in the middle of your pristine living room, chalking up your death as another case of spontaneous human combustion.

Also, because fire will destroy all biological evidence of the surrogate body you're leaving as evidence.

Wait, you mean you don't have a body?

3) Get a body.
Apply comic book/soap opera rule #589: no body, no dead. Without the body, you're missing, which is exactly what you don't want. Missing people are all over the news and everyone will look for you.

The best place to look for bodies is in old apartment complexes. That's where old people die and nobody notices for weeks until the smell builds up. The best part is that the cats will have already starting cleaning the meat off of the bones, so that gives you a head start on burning off biological identification. Finally, if someone finally notices they're gone, they'll think they're missing, which means all attention will be on them, not you.

Referring back to step #2, this is probably why all spontaneous human combustion cases are old people.

4) Get out of Dodge.
Once you have set the body, you need to leave. Immediately.

If your plan was to disappear, great. You're already on your way. Just don't book any tickets under your real name.

If you're waiting to see responses, check into the seediest motel possible under a fake name. Do not stay with a friend, no matter how much you trust them. He or she may not say anything now, but they will in a few years when torture becomes a standard practice again.

5) Back so soon?
Remember when you were 8 and you told your parents that you were running away? (Or remember when your favorite 80s sitcom kid said that?) How far did you (they) get before coming home? It's very possible you won't get across the street before giving up.

Do not admit to faking your own death. At best, you will alienate all of your friends and family, which means you'll have to do the whole thing all over again, only more convincingly. At worst, we're pretty sure fraud and tax evasion are illegal.

Instead, pretend you went on a spontaneous trip to somewhere without phones, lights or motor cars (we recommend Germany) and say, "You mean you didn't find my note? It was sitting on my Lay-Z-Boy where you found that burnt body the vandals left."

Whatever you tell them, let them know in advance that you're returning. The last thing you want is to be mistaken for a zombie and shotgunned/chainsawed. How embarrassing.

How To: Enjoy a scary movie

You normally can't handle yourself at scary movies. That's why you avoid them, especially after the incident with the popcorn in the movie theater. How were you to know the butter was scalding hot, or that face would pop out of nowhere, causing you to fling the bucket into the air and douse 14 people. And how were you to know the butter would not harm a person, but just somehow one kernel would travel down a man's throat killing him, probably permanently? (Weird how we knew that story about you, huh?)

Fear not, we're going to take the fear out of scary movies, so you won't scream like a little girl at every jump, even if you are a little girl who is too young to be watching such cinema, even if it is nearly Halloween.

Tools:
Eyelids
Imagination
Negative view of humanity

1) Close your eyes. Think about it. You're in a dark room with a bunch of people not looking at you. If you just listen to the whole movie, who will know the difference? After all, no one gets scared listening to the radio, that is unless they're listening to Rush Limbaugh.

2) Find the trends. You've seen Scream, or at least you tried to. They reveal pretty much all of the secrets scary movies use. For example, if there is a multi-racial cast, it is required by federal law that at least one if not all black people are killed off before anyone else. Also try to avoid growing attached to characters in love with each other, they will die. Do you know why? Because love will get you killed one day.

3) Chill out. Quit getting so into the movie for Pablo's sake! Get distracted every now and then. Try to remember if you turned the oven off before you left the house. Wonder how wide the screen is in centimeters. Make the occasional comment about how lame the dialog is. The bottom line is you need to forget about the knife-wielding maniac looming just over your shoulder. He is most likely harmless, anyway.

4) Become really cynical. This works best at zombie movies. Why? Because the world is ending, it's just a big scramble to see who will die last. The characters are convinced they can be live and find someplace safe, despite that fact that there are undead popping out, showing off their most recent dental work and indicating they are quiet hungry and not picky eaters. The characters band together to try to survive, but at some point, they all die. In such cases, it's fun to take yourself out of connecting with the characters, and instead laughing at humanity in general. Witness people at their most primal and marvel at how they find ways to get offed. Feel free to root for the zombies. This principal can be applied, with more effort, to other scary movies, just replace zombies with the murderer. The group dynamics are not all that different.

There you have it. There is no way you can be phased by the creepiest of creepies. So sit back and laugh at your friends as they jump and squeal. I'll be right back.

Oh my god, did I really just say that? I'm going to die.

Libraries and the afterlife

If there's one thing we all hate, it's those jerks they call librarians. Sure, they let you read the books for "free," but you have to fill out one of those little cards with personal information on it. Gee thanks, comrade.

Another example is the Harrison Public Library in Harrison, New York. Librarians there are charging the families of dead people for overdue library books. Apparently, these people signing out books, then they die and have the nerve not to return the books.

The librarians are not the only party to get mad at. We need to focus more on the undead: it's time they stop running around aimlessly looking for brains and show some responsibility.

Roberto Zombie

Venezuela is known the world over as that country in South America that starts with a V. But it seems soon they could be known for something much worse: the first country overrun by zombies.

A man was declared dead by coroners after a car accident recently. His body was taken to the morgue where they began to perform an autopsy. That is until the man woke up.

Key quote: "'I woke up because the pain was unbearable,' Camejo said."

Nice try, zombie punk. Keep trying to act like you're not the living undead. Try to make us feel bad for you and your terrible ordeal. We'll be watching you and your hunger for brains.

One for the road

The words "harvest" and "sperm" should never be used in the same headline. However, after an emergency court ruling in Iowa this week, 23 year old Daniel Christy was legally able to extract sperm from her dying husband for future children.

This just in:

Ew.

That is all. You are now free to gouge your eyes out/induce self-inflected amnesia.

(SFW, but just really, really wrong.)

Going out to grab a bite

A recent study has found men are more likely to suffer bites from people than are women. The study was done in Ireland, so it should come as no surprise what they found was the reason for the statistic.

Key quote: "Dr. Eadie and her team say late-night 'alcohol-fueled aggression' is the most common cause of such injuries."

This blog thinks there might be another reason, however--one that we have been ignoring for far too long--zombies!

(Courtesy of Chris B.)

Nice try, freeloader

Once again, zombies are causing problems for decent, hardworking, living humans. A Croatian man recently died while on a train all night. The engineer thought he was just sleeping, so he let him ride to the end of the line.

Six hours later, they realized he was dead. What they, and the public have yet to realize is that he was using his dead status to get a free ride. That lousy bum!

MasterChugs Theater: '28 Weeks Later'

As you most likely would not notice until the byline at the bottom, Chugs Taylor is not posting this week. Why not? Let’s just say he had a bad experience with some Taco Bell. In any case, I, Bryan McBournie will be your guest columnist this week.

28 Weeks Later (which I am reviewing one week later) is the latest in a series of movies involving measurements of time (48 Hours, 28 Days, The 6th Day, etc.). It is also the sequel to the zombie movie 28 Days Later. I will admit I have a thing for zombie movies, so I might be a little partial. However, after the happy ending at the end of the last one, I had my doubts about Weeks.

The story picks up during the first 28 days. Zombies are running rampant across the English country side, all the while sipping tea. Don (Robert Carlyle, also in Formula 51) and his wife Alice (of movies only Chugs has seen, as with the rest of the cast) are holed up with an elderly couple and a couple rather unremarkable characters in a house and are about to sit down to dinner, when there’s a knock at the door. Long story short, Don is the only one who makes it out of the house alive and escapes in a boat.

Six months after the infection, the zombies are all long dead of starvation, but England is pretty raunchy. Don is the head of the building where the English civilians who made it out alive are being repatriated again in London. His kids are back, too. The U.S. Army is in charge of the rebuilding, so naturally, the virus comes back in a spectacular way (cleverly done, too) and suddenly we have all new zombies with accents. But this time, the soldiers get bitten, too, so some have American accents. You can tell which zombies are British, because they say "'Ello, govnah. Spare some braaaaaains?"

Suddenly, the soldiers are ordered to clean house. That means kill everyone, civilians, zombies, whatever. They are good at this. Unfortunately, it means American sniper Doyle (these people all really have only one name), Army doctor Scarlett and Don’s two kids have to fight their way through jolly old London, battling against zombies, the U.S. Army, firebombs, chemicals weapons and really intense stares. By the way, Don is now a zombie and seems to have a knack for showing up at inopportune moments.

Their only hope is to make it out of London and out of England. And I’m hedging my bets that the French got around to blocking off the Chunnel after the whole thing got started.

It’s because of the added dangers of the U.S. Army that this movie surpasses its predecessor. Instead of the military being your friend and seeking out the help from others, there is no help from anyone. There are people (or things) trying to kill the characters at every single turn. It just doesn’t let up. The only problem is the zombies aren’t nearly as scary as in Days, when they could outrun people and seemed to come out of nowhere. The real boogey men of this one are the soldiers.

Like the first one, there are many, many times in the film where it is deadly quiet. Leaving you with the feeling that something bad is about to happen. However, because they are so frequent, you never know when it’s going to make you jump.

Go out and see this in theaters. And plan on there being a sequel.

Political party of the living dead

Zombies are a major threat to the world. More importantly, they are a threat to democracy in this country and worldwide. They have run for elected office, they have frequently voted in elections and now they want representation in government.

That's right, the zombie plague has spread in India. Grab a shotgun, everyone. And aim at the heads. And remember, no matter how hard they campaign, DO NOT shake their hands.

Medical treatment can't save them

Unlike other blogs, we at SeriouslyGuys have no illusions about the impending threat from zombies. They want to eat our brains, they refuse to get jobs and even ran for office in last fall's election.

However, now these zombies have sunk to a new low: they are attempting to fleece the federal government of Medicare its funds. The undead don't need medical treatment, all they need is a shotgun blast to the head.

MasterChugs Theater Extra: 'Planet Terror'

Take one part go-go dancer, her ex-boyfriend, two parts Josh Brolin, five parts the rest of their small town community who get swept up in your typical chemically man-made zombie super-soldier military conspiracy, one part Robert Rodriguez, and a bucket-load of gore, and what do you get? A go-go dancer that has an M-16 with a grenade launcher attachment, zombies, and part of one of the most insane movies of year. We on Earth like to call it Planet Terror ... probably because that's its name.

Planet Terror is a hilarious and audacious apocalyptic horror film that recalls the Evil Dead series in its sly blend of broad comedy and excessive gore-though "excessive" isn't really a word that applies in this kind of film making. The movie tells the story of a military experiment that spawns zombies who lay siege to a small town populated by a gallery of beautifully conceived characters. There's Rose McGowan's stripper ... excuse me, go-go dancer, who wants to be a stand-up comedian, Freddy Rodriguez's mechanic with a mysterious past, and Jeff Fahey as a poverty-stricken cook who won't reveal his barbecue recipe to anyone, no matter what. Along the way they pick up some local cops like Michael Biehn and Tom Savini, Marley Shelton as a doctor with an unusual handicap, and Lost’s Naveen Andrews as a shadowy biochemist/black marketeer/ testicle collector who may be partially to blame for all the zombification, and more. All of these wonderfully original characters have stories that are kept in perfect balance by Robert Rodriguez's elegant story construction. The performances are even better here than they were in the director's all-star Sin City, and the gory zombie sequences are deliriously inventive-Rodriguez invites comparison with the gross-out classics of Lucio Fulci and early Peter Jackson, and he surpasses his cinematic ancestors by giving a more effective dramatic context to the blood and guts.

One of the things I like most about real grindhouse cinema is how scrappy these movies were; filmmakers didn’t have a lot of money to spend, and there’s something endearing about the cheapness of their production values. Rodriguez has always been a cheap director, but there’s nothing endearing about it. He’s like the kid at the science fair who made a working particle accelerator out of papier mache and the guts of an Atari 2600--it’s impressive but ugly, and you’re really at the science fair to see the kid who made a volcano using baking soda and vinegar and who glued his army men to the sides of the mountain to be consumed by kitchen sink lava. Planet Terror is the pinnacle of this for Rodriguez--he uses his home brew CGI to do impressive stunts and wreak lots of destruction that feels out of place in the milieu in which he’s playing. Rodriguez wasn’t schooled on exploitation like Tarantino was, and he’s really using the language of action films of the 80s here--the kinds of films that took over after the exploitation circuit was slowly killed off and as home video began to dominate the market. Chuck Norris could have very easily been in the Freddy Rodriguez role, albeit with the addition of some more martial arts to the film’s many, many fight scenes ... a sheer moment of awesome, too, if possible.

In some ways his movie is probably too physically elaborate to qualify as a true grindhouse film, as digital technology enables him to create pyrotechnic effects that would have been far out of reach for the B-movie auteurs of the 1970s. But who cares? Stylish and energetic, this is Rodriguez's best film to date. And yes, I say that, having seen El Mariachi, Desperado, and all of his other stuff ... even Spy Kids.

Night of the Elected Dead

Sam Duncan is a motivated man. He won't even let death keep him from his campaign.

Duncan may have died in October, but that didn't mean a thing to the people of Union County, N.C. They gave him 12,000 votes to elect him to the county's Soil and Water Conservation board.

Voters said they were not notified of Duncan's death. Clearly, there are zombies or zombie sympathizers in the Union County Board of Elections.

As we all know, this is not the first case of the undead campaigning for public office.

Grab your shotguns, stock up on ammo and practice your head shots, everyone. It seems the zombie uprising is edging closer with each new day.

Stay tuned to SG for updates on the rise of the undead.

The dead drive among us

In Australia, many traffic tickets are being attributed to the deceased. Clearly, zombies are not only running for office, they are out there on the roads today.

Folks, it's time we fought back against these zombies. They've taken advantage of our public services for too long, now they're putting us all in danger with their unsafe driving habits.

This blog hates zombies.

Election reminder

Please remember to vote tomorrow in the mid-term elections. If at all possible, vote for the zombie candidates.

They're the candidates with braaaaaaaains.

MasterChugs Theater: "Shaun of the Dead"

There’s some weird component in us all that makes us wonder how we would deal with the apocalypse. Would we be people of action, stepping up in the moment when we are most needed, or would we be cowering simps, hiding until the worst of it is over? The titular hero of Shaun of the Dead prefers to gather some friends (or acquaintinces) and head over to the pub for a drink in the midst of a gigantic zombie rampage, hoping for said rampage to be over by the time that they're sufficiently smashed to deal with it. Genius!

Shaun, played skillfully by Simon Pegg, is a 29-year-old English slacker whose girlfriend has just dumped him and whose best friend has been mooching on his couch for the last five years. Suddenly he finds himself in the midst of an outbreak of zombie madness, and as they sometimes say, “hilarity ensues.” Now, the description could just end there, and most people would assume it's the Airplane! equivalent of a zombie-which it's not. Shaun of the Dead is the forebearer of an entirely new genre-the zomromcom. It's, essentially, a romantic comedy that just happens to have zombies in it. And lots of them.

The difference between most people in a zombie apocalypse and Shaun? Rather than stay hole up in his flat—Shaun fears for the safety of his sweet, very British mother and his ex-girlfriend—he grabs his cricket bat and sets out to rescue his loved ones, all the while warding off zombies. Even his smug stepfather must be saved, as much as Shaun wants to leave the guy (particularly since he's been bitten).

It’s evident, quite early, on that the filmmakers have nothing but respect for the zombie film, especially the seminal and genre-defining works of George Romero (how many filmmakers, by the way, can be credited with actually inventing a brand new kind of movie monster with the staying power that Romero’s undead have?). There’s music from the original Dawn of the Dead playing over the opening company credits, and homages – not parodies – to the films are peppered liberally throughout. When Shaun's best friend Ed (played by Nick Frost) shouts into the phone, “We’re coming to get you, Barbara! (Shaun's mother)” it’s purely a moment for the people who love their horror movies (and FYI, that's a purely classic line from the original Night of the Living Dead). And the zombies are never played as anything other than a source of menace; at least no less than Romero himself does (by Dawn, he had realized that the slow and shambling corpses were not much of a threat as single enemies, but it’s the way that the heroes can let their guard around them, and have the zombies assimilate into the environment, that helps lend the undead their resonant metaphoric power). The comedy comes from the people and the situations, not from the zombies acting silly.

Hype is a monster, plain and simple. It steals the excitement of discovery, it clearcuts reality so that the movie can’t reach your expectations. I ended up hyping this movie to near ridiculous proportion when it first came out in theaters. Luckily, I also found myself loving it. I found that I couldn’t believe that I was seeing a true labor of love, a movie with production values and sharp writing and fine performances, a film that seemed to have shambled out of the grave, aimed right at everything I love. You may see films that are technically better, films that are finer achievements in the art of cinema, but you often won't see a film with more heart than this one. I give this one three braaaaaaaaains and four more paramedics to be sent (name that reference for official cool points).