They opened the Thousand Year Door!

There's a good chance that the Ark of the Covenant could be found in there. Or a million year old monster out to destroy the human race. Or the greatest treasure that mankind will ever bear witness to. You know...whichever floats your boat.

Gaps in the programming

With entertainment like this on TV tomorrow night. The blog will be live tomorrow night at 8 p.m.

Just kidding.

Note to SGites

You are correct. Chugs Taylor has gone mad with the posts this past week. Carry on.

Mona Lisa smiles, codes ... and speaks?

Leave it to the same country that wants to bring back smell-o-vision into theaters.

Ultimate baseball player born in China

Personally, I say let the kid keep the arm and be three kinds of awesome. Also, I'm sure that there's a penis joke to be made somewhere...

Paratroopers with an upward twist

There's nothing quite like being a real life G.I. Joe, minus the plastic body and rubber band holding your torso connected to your waist.

Geriatric gonorrhea victims

I am both repulsed and amused by this story at the same time. Moral of the story? Lay off of the Viagra, octogenerians.

A small pause

We at SeriouslyGuys would like to take a moment to give a "Happy Birthday" to team member Bryan McBournie. Simply put, he's a wonderful whore who's now one year older.

Jailhouse Rock-2006 Edition

One can only wonder what the song was about.

Transsexuals can now have a choice

Of course, this does beg the desire for having the same choice be granted to non-transgendered individuals.

Best Headline of the Day At This Point

Oh me, oh my, how you Kiwis must enjoy making my head explode.

Attention hippies

Put down the cookie dough and read this.

Rabbit genitals can help impotent men...and it's not an aphrodisiac

Horny bunnies may possibly do more for old men than a single little pill.

Neolithic-era alcoholism

Ladies and gentlemen, this is progressive genetics at its finest.

AT&T SPIEZORZ ON JOO!!!!!111eleven

It's amusing how AT&T gets a gag order against the people who brought the court case forwards. And they got it.

However, it was SO NARROW that anyone else could grab the same information and run with it.

It was like the judge WANTED it to get out.

Spreading democracy

It has some strange repercussions.

You know the trend of sex cases involving hot older women and teen boys?

This is not one of them.

Science: "We hates hobbitses!"

Just when the fantasy ethusiasts get closer to living out their dreams of orcs, magic, and hobbits, stupid science has to ruin it all.

Science also wants to remind you that "Star Wars" does not secretly exist in a parallel universe. Sorry, nerds.

Hard drinking finally yields hard living

No wonder he turned off the water—he had been drinking 24 cans of beer a day for eight years now.

SGites in the news

If someone tries to have an intervention with you, don't let them.

The proof is in the primordial pudding

"Dr Groves said that even today it could be possible for humans and chimps to have sex and produce offspring, although there would be ethical problems."

Here's an ethical problem for you: you just had literal wild monkey sex with Cindy Sue, the poop flinging ape slut of the jungle. Thanks to your tryst, you now have gonorrheape.

Reminder for the SGites

Did you find a link you think we should post? Got a question for the guys? Email us anytime. We promise to check it in between hangovers.

Oh, and for those of you who don't know what an SGite is, it's you the reader.

In keeping with the day's animal theme

Obesity in America: like bird flu, this epidemic affects both humans and animals.

I want to know what the horse was fighting

Cue up some Benny Hill music during this raid and I bet even cockfights could win on America's Funniest Home Videos.

Second Best Headline of the Day At This Point

In a world where half of the links that we have on the side of our page are inaccessible for me at my workplace, offices where porn is downloaded at work simply amaze me.

Canada-I salute you.

Headline of the Day At This Point

Zoos are fun for children, though this blog thinks the story has quite a bit of detail for such a quick event.

50 new senses added to the human body

This explains exactly why Tom Cruise was bouncing around like he had super speed. It appears that Xenu is all about suppressing our innate ability to have super powers.

Oh, and an inside joke for those that will get it:

Does it deal with astronomy, religion or art?

Or is it the newest/oldest practical joke by those ca-raaaazy Amazonians? I look forward to the day when highways are uncovered and debated about as "archeological finds of the century".

Mister Ed has been topped

Though not quite as good as a nuclear submarine, it'll do, nonetheless.

Fare and balanced reporting

Ever wanted to be something infinitely better than what you are? Some French cab drivers have all the luck.

Sometimes two feet are better than wheels

I'm positive I saw this on Reno 911! a while back.

Ooops

Cue up some ragtime music during this event and I would've been like a pig in mud.

Good lord n' butter, no!

How many more of these guys do we need? Any partisan can agree that Bush is passe.

Besides, is America really ready for a man named Jeb in the Oval Office?

Gentlemen, start your drug use

You've got plenty of years ahead of you before you need to worry about brain damage.

It's also today's Headline of the Day At This Point.

She's literally nuts--and bolts, and screws, and chips

"Invasion of the Body Snatchers" just got a whoooole lot creepier.

God forbid free speech

Thank God someone said it.

This film will self-destruct in five, four...

Apparently it's not only Tom Cruise's sanity that's taken a hit.

Race ya to a moon!

I have the greatest desire ever to go out and purchase a dune buggy now.

Reporters

Always asking the tough questions.

A tip from one writer to any others out there

Make sure you have your own ideas before writing!

And quit pumping out the teeny-bopper drivel, anyway! Sheesh.

Attention guys

You have a new reason not to do chores.

Just call him Deadeye!

I still think that I could take him in a Nerf gun battle.

I pity those that don't watch this show!

Mr. T. Reality show. Jibba-jabba totally quitted. I'm down for it.

And for your viewing pleasure:

MR. T POPS AND LOCKS LIKE NOBODY'S FOO'!

What did he expect?

It could've been worse, I suppose.

I know it was you, Damon. You broke our hearts.

I really hope that the Warp Whistle is a game piece.

Do not pass the Mushroom Kingdom. Do not collect 10 rupees.

Mrs. Smith goes to Washington

"In the opinion by Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, the high court reversed the 9th Circuit decision by accepting Smith's argument that federal courts have at least limited jurisdiction in certain probate issues."

"In an odd legal alliance, the Bush administration sided with Smith in a supporting brief to protect federal jurisdiction in probate cases."

The Supreme Court and President Bush agree: Anna Nicole Smith is supported and accepted in this nation, as are all gold diggers. I've never been prouder to be an American.

UPDATE: This article has spawned, much like the best fourteen months of Anna Nicole's life, the Headline of the Day.