MasterChugs Theater: 'Timeline'

First off, let me preface this review with a wish: happy birthday Alicia!

OK, with that said, hold on tight everyone--we've now reached the nadir of cinema. Yes, this movie would assuredly be labeled by myself as The Worst Movie of All Time. Granted, to those that know me, this probably isn't too much of a surprise, though at least now I have a soapbox upon which to rant. Cower in fear as the the fifth horsemen of the apocalypse, Timeline, comes to destroy your eyes.

Where does one even start with a movie this bad? Well, let's try with an attempt at simplifying the plot. It starts with a bunch of archeology students doing an excavation in France. Back in New Mexico, the dig sponsor, a monopolizing computer company (totally and clearly not an analogy for Microsoft at all) has created a 3D fax machine, using harnessed cellular energy, which can zap parcels anywhere in the world. One of the glitches is that somehow the project has tapped into a wormhole that--surprise, surprise--leads back several centuries to the same village in medieval France. Great. Now, not only do you have to worry that cell phones cause brain cancer, but also that they will land you in the middle of the Hundred Years War. The professor overseeing the archaeological dig gets swallowed down the wormhole, trapped in the Middle Ages, and his students have exactly six hours to fight flaming arrows, rescue maidens and, oh yeah, bring him back to 2003. The whole moral aspect of time travel--the potential for altering the future--is virtually ignored.

OK, let's take a quick look at the factors for this movie: Richard Donner directing, Gerard Butler and Billy Connelly acting. This is Superman, Lethal Weapon, Scrooged, and The Goonies Richard Donner. Gerard Butler of recent 300 fame. Incredibly underrated character actor Billy Connelly. How can it go wrong?

OH YEAH, I forgot one other factor: Paul Walker. Paul "Emoting emotions while acting only wastes time, brah" Walker. Why won't he go away? Oh yeah, he's pretty. I forgot. Look, I'm not saying Timeline would be a good movie without him. With or without him it's still frighteningly bad. But removing him from this movie could only make it better.

Maybe it would have helped had Butler, not Walker, been cast in the film's leading role. Sadly, that was not to be. Walker is the focus of this abortive epic and succeeds in surprising even me, an avowed Walker hater, with his absolute inability to act. Walker is so incompetent, that he can't manage to iron a shirt convincingly. When faced with this challenge he lifts the iron above the shirt and flings his arms from side to side, delivering what can only be described as his interpretation of a six-year-old girl playing house. When called upon to speak, he, more than anyone else goes out of his way to run roughshod over his fellows dialog, cheapening even the film's most sincere moments with flatly regurgitated words that would sound better had they been read off a cue card by a beer swilling construction worker. Walker delivers every botched line, every hideous piece of rotting stinking dialog with complete idiot sincerity. Either he's too stupid to know just how bad he is, or he's so busy being a Hollywood uber-hunk he just doesn't care. The only bright light in Timeline is that when the movie flops as hard as it must, perhaps it will be Walker's empty-headed career which takes the fall.

When all is said and done, all I kept thinking about was how nice it must have been for the actors to get paid for playing childhood dress up games. While the sets and effects and scenery are most impressive, the clothes look like they came right out of a downtown rental agency specializing in medieval haute couture. Well, I guess it is better than wearing my grandmother’s hand-me-downs. No, I take that back-I'd much rather wear the granny panties. A totally unredeemable film.

Blinded by science

This just in--apparently everything you see done on the Internet may not in fact be safe for you the viewer to do at home. Who knew?

Fifteen-year-old Jaren Richard certainly didn't, when he and some friends tried a stunt for which the got directions for it recently. They mixed chlorine with alcohol in a bottle. The story's not really clear on what happened, but it sounds like it blew up, blinding the kid for six months.

Since the story doesn't say exactly what the story is, this blog is going to try it and then report on our findings.

Stealing stufffffff between the sheets

Baby, baby!

Some of us rather enjoy the Isley Brothers. Like me. And criminals.

An Australian man came home to find out that not only had he been robbed, the burglars had sex in his bed. If only they'd remembered to steal the sheets, it would have been the perfect crime.

Watch in a bottle

A boy in the Faroe Islands (which are just north of Scotland, duh), found a watch that had been buried at the North Pole. The watch floated to him in a box.

It was buried by an explorer in 2004. It was one of 250 watches the explorer designed to withstand arctic conditions. Probably useful for a kid who lives a short flight away from the arctic.

Nobody tell Al Gore about this, agreed?

So cool it makes you sick

Here's another reason to smoke: you can take more sick days. A new study shows smokers average eight more sick days per year than non-smokers. Which means in addition to having an excuse to have five-minute breaks 20 times a day during your shift, you can skip the whole day in general every now and then.

The scientists to who did the study added they usually have raspy voices, yellow teeth, a strong odor and are just cooler in general than other people.

Thanks but no thanks

Scientists, those traitors to humanity, say that an asteroid wasn't what killed the dinosaurs and gave birth and dominance to mammals.

BALDERDASH!

Clearly, a gigantic asteroid is the solution to our problems. And by problems, I mean the menace of the animal kingdom.

Quick, someone go wrangle an asteroid so that the human race can live but all of the animals that are plotting against us will die!

Marital strife and crazy mad mind powers

Ok, so, normally, I could care less about marital issues, but...some are just too good to pass up. Recently, a woman involved in a lawsuit claims she broke up with her ex because her new lover could bring her to orgasm ... with his mind.

Yeah, that's a pretty tough act to follow.

More than a handful

Bao Xishun, the world's tallest man, has married. You may remember Bao as a traitor to humans everywhere when he removed plastic from the stomachs of two Chinese dolphins.

Bao, who stands at seven foot, nine inches, married a woman who is (surprise!) shorter than him. She is only five feet six inches. The lucky bride was selected from his hometown after marriage ads were sent worldwide.

I bet he had nice coats

Great news, everyone! Some sheep had to be euthanized after their time in one man's death camp. It's about time we stopped coddling sheep.

A North Carolina man was arrested and charged with animal cruelty after it was found he was keeping 80 sheep in his home. The sheep stayed on the first floor while he stayed on the second floor. Police have no explanation for why he kept the sheep.

This blog has its theories. Talk about sleeping with the enemy.

Best Headline of the Day At This Point

Panda Watch 2007 v.2: When all else fails ... zookeepers turn to panda porn. Again.

Helpful tip for frisky teenagers

Remember, "nude beach" does not mean "go behind the willow trees and have sex beach."

That's what highway rest stops are for. Also, I would totally kill to see pictures of a beach that's labeled "Have Sex Beach." Just because.

Aliens are real

And they're after our Honeycombs cereal (part of a balanced breakfast).

And they're not small ... no no no no no.

If you give a mouse some dentures

Animals hate us, regardless of their size. But sometimes it doesn't mean they don't want to play some head games with us. Take for example the tale of a Portland, Oregon man and a mouse in his home.

For weeks, a field mouse had been stealing objects around the old man's house. He seemed to be OK with it until it took his dentures. Eventually he and his family found the teeth inside a wall. The prankster mouse ended up being two mice.

They are now behind bars and up for sale. Right where they belong.

Stay away from Brazilian food

What do you do after you kill your husband after years of happy marriage? If you're in Brazil, you chop him up into over 100 pieces, cook him and fry him, of course. Then you hide the pieces under the stairs.

Guys, this is a clear message to all of us: do not get married, for women will then regard us as food. And being served with barbecue sauce is no way to go out.

Still hungry?

Best Headline of the Day At This Point

Because, really, what this world truly needs is another 50 foot robotic monster in honor of a nearly 6 foot plastic monster.

Have one more slice of pizza

Goodbye unwanted readers! It's good for you?

It am part of genius Bizarro self improvement plan! Elsewhere in Bizarro World, skim milk is bad for you, smoking can help prolong your life, and Carrot Top just won an award for Best Actor of All Time. That right! Ha ha! Pretty imperfect, huh?

Love both in and on the air

A British radio station is giving away a chance to legally join the Mile High Club. Other radio stations should learn from this, because, after all, you can only give away so many pairs of Madonna tickets before people tune out, you know.

In other news, Opie and Anthony are still in trouble with United States government regulatory bodies over having people have sex in churches.

Memories, all alone in the smoke clouds

The last remaining building of the old Mustang Ranch--Nevada's first legal brothel--was burned to the ground (on purpose, by firefighters). Just so it's known though, any other burning sensations you feel are your own problem.

Key quote: "The day of the $20 roll in the hay in a trailer is gone."

It's true. It's now $50 for a roll in the hay and $75 for a romp in the alfalfa silo.

Loves the croc

Think there are no traitors to the cause in the War on Animals? Think again. A woman at the Egypt-Gaza border was stopped by police when they noticed she was "strangely fat." In that part of the world, anyone who is overweight is immediately suspect.

It turns out she was smuggling crocodiles on her person. This blog giggles at the term "croc smuggling."

Teenage Vampires from Calgary

What? A family was killed with vampirism? But that's not in a video game.

It's time we banned the real culprit behind violence: books. I know, I know; it's an old idea. However, I say Anne Rice has done enough damage already.

Quote in possible bad taste: "For the slain family's grieving relatives, who say they are being kept in the dark, the start of court proceedings is a relief" [emphasis ours].

Do you hear that squeaking sound?

It is the sound of your impending death. Mice, the original "Silent Killer", have now been given an enhanced color vision thanks to treasonous scientists. What does this mean? It means that mice are akin to the Predator, and we, the human race, have one of two options:

-enlist a bunch of snakes to eat the mice, creating a Simpsons like plan where we eventually owe everything we possess as favors to the very race we're at war with

OR

-enlist The Governator to take care of these terror-mice while we cheese it and "Get to the choppa."

Either way, we're boned.

Building strong business control, $50 ...

... taking out a loan for personal assistance will cost you more, though.

Sex workers in Vancouver want to form a business co-operative. In my hometown, the only co-op we had was the Farmer's Co-op. That's an incredibly stark contrast between the two.

Yeah, I'd make a pretty obvious joke about "ho/es", but I can't stop laughing at the concept of a "Prostitute's Co-op."

The McBournie Minute: March Madness

Apparently, there is some sort of nationwide college basketball tournament going on right now. I know this because I am a blogger and I have my finger on the pulse of the nation. I can even tell you the nation's blood pressure.

Let me make this clear: I do not care about the NCAA tournament. I do not care about brackets, I have no money riding on the games and I have no allegiance to any of the teams that are or were in it.

I know I am a minority in that respect, but I see no point in following a bunch of teams on which I can't name a single player fighting their way through a complicated league structure in a sport that only gets exciting in the last few minutes. I am not a fan of basketball in the first place, but at least the NBA makes sense to those who have not followed the sport for their entire lives.

Then again, I prefer to watch hockey, so what do I know?

MasterChugs Theater: 'Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd'

Back when I reviewed Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky, I made a statement that "there are some movies that make their audience treasure the life that they have ... [some] movies [that] make us laugh ... others [that] have been known to renew our faith" and some that make "the audience go 'THAT WAS [CENSORED] INCREDIBLE!.'" I really need to make an amendment to that, as there's yet another category for movies: ones that are clearly used as weapons of mass destruction. Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd most assuredly falls into that category.

The premise is every bit as dim-witted as its lead characters, Lloyd Christmas (Eric Christian Olsen) and Harry Dunne (Derek Richardson). After literally knocking into each other, Lloyd and Harry meet on the first day of the new school year and, with their intelligence (or lack thereof) equaling each other's, they become quick comrades. They are instantly elected into a year-long "special needs" class headed by Principal Collins (Eugene Levy) and his daffy girlfriend, school lunch lady Ms. Heller (Cheri Oteri), and soon have enrolled a rag-tag group of lazy teen misfits to join them. What Harry and Lloyd fail to realize, and lovely school reporter Jessica Matthews (Rachel Nichols) suspects, is that their new class is nothing more than a scam by Principal Collins and Ms. Heller to swindle money from a charity fundraiser.

If you concentrate hard enough while watching Dumb and Dumberer (and avoid a migraine or brain damage in the process), you can find something that resembles a plot. It's clear that the filmmakers didn't expect sentient life in the audience, because they didn't put any thought into the storyline. The screenplay, which appears to be in rough draft form, contains some monumentally glaring inconsistencies and discontinuities, but no one is supposed to notice those things, and, in the unlikely event that they do, they're not supposed to mention them. A little comedy can go a long way towards forgiving such laziness, but the movie doesn't have a clue about the basic concept of humor.

Not only do most of the jokes fall flat (sometimes because the timing is off, but often because they're not funny), but there are countless missed opportunities. Dumb and Dumberer's biggest laughs are likely to come when a character runs around yelling fecal epithets seven or eight times, although most people outgrow snickering at bad words when they graduate from grammar school. And, when a movie can neuter a comedian of Eugene Levy's considerable skill, you know that the filmmakers are displaying a monumental level of ineptitude. Levy is so flat that, watching his "performance," I was embarrassed for him.

In some ways, it is a shame. Eric Christian Olsen really works his HARDEST to do a kick ass impression of Jim Carrey as Lloyd Christmas. His first scene, in which we are deluged with out-of-time Vanilla Ice music is hilarious, and is the one of only two places in the movie where one might believe it is good. The other, is a scene ripped from the book of Back to the Future goodness, in which Lloyd and Harry race through town in a shopping cart, hanging onto the backs of cars in Marty McFly skateboard style jiving to a groovy 80's "Eye of the Tiger" beat.

On the other hand, his partner, Harry, played by Derek Richardson, is not in this film. Oh there's this kid named Harry, and Derek Richardson plays him, but other than a semi-funny scene in the bathroom spreading poop, he doesn't really have anything to do. Lots of screen time is given, but very little of it amounted to anything I haven't already forgotten. He's a mannequin, an air pocket, the Paul Walker of comedy. I really don't like Paul Walker.

Whereas Dumb and Dumber was not only a well-written "stupid" comedy, it was also kind of sweet in its scenes with love interest Lauren Holly. Dumb and Dumberer is just plain moronic, holding its audience in contempt and expecting them to be as brain-deficient as Harry and Lloyd by not realizing a bad movie when they see one. Luckily, at only 83 minutes, it's over before it really has a chance to become unbearable. That is about the biggest compliment that could possibly be paid to Dumb and Dumberer. At least they got the title right. Oh god, how it hurts.

Why we fight

Remember that dark day last fall when we heard a stingray broke the shaky truce between animals and humans by assassinating Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin? He got him right in the heart. You can't tell me that wasn't intentional.

Now, yet another Animal Planet star has been caused bodily harm by an animal. This time it was Jeff Corwin being bitten and tossed around by an elephant. Worst of all, it was right next to Anderson Cooper!

And you wonder why we hunt those things nearly to extinction.

In Soviet Russia, bar codes scan you ...

... for your soul. Be careful--that can of potatoes might contain the devil.

At least that can of refried beans does, that's for sure.

Cultural Misunderstanding of the Day

A man from a tribe in Africa got a pretty lucky break. No, he wasn't adopted by Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. He got to do a photo shoot with Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bundchen for the Red campaign.

So what was going through his mind?

"To be honest all I was thinking about when I was with this woman was my cattle and goats," Keseme Ole Parsapaet said.

Someone needs to tell him that doesn't sound how he probably means it.

The war gets squirrelly

As we all know, squirrels are a nuisance. They rob oak trees of their acorns and like to dart in front of cars. Aside from that, they are our enemies in the War on Animals.

Luckily, the people of Santa Monica, California are going to put an end to the species' rampant reproduction by using birth control on them. Those most be some tiny condoms.

You can touch but you can't look

Some Atlantic City casino workers are in trouble for using the security cameras to watch the female guests a little too closely. Their response: "Sorry, was that the wrong thing to do?"

We need a hero

And when Venezuela needs a hero because it's threatened by a video game, they call upon the only one who gets vertigo--Bono.

By the way, do you think that maybe I could get Bono to stop everything that Bono does and just be the pope?

The frustration of the species

Bad news this morning for guys everywhere. Science has found a microscopic animal that has not had sex in 100 million years has evolved. Jaw shapes between the animal and a similar species show that changes have been made without mating.

This knocks one of the top three lines used on women for mating purposes, "We need to have sex to make the species more adaptable," off the table. It was second only to "But I bought you a drink" and "I am a doctor."

Grilling with Manny

Manny Ramirez, star both in his own head and those of Boston Red Sox fans, has decided to auction off a grill he once bought for $4,000. He will even throw in a signed baseball, possibly covered in barbecue sauce. It's available on eBay.

Key quote: "Hi, I'm Manny Ramirez. I bought this AMAZING grill for about $4,000 and I used it once... But I never have the time to use it because I am always on the road. I would love to sell it and you will get an autographed ball signed by me =] Enjoy it, Manny Ramirez."

That's right, Manny uses emoticons.

Animal news of the day

SeriouslyGuys would like it known that while we haven't been to Texas anytime lately, perhaps we have a follower who has left his or her mark? If so ... we commend you, oh champion of homo sapiens.

And the next animal-related story has us puzzled. I mean, granted, curing malaria is a good thing, but is it not an animal? Is it not a bug? Does it not deserve to be crushed beneath our imperialistic bulldozers? Manifest planet! MANIFEST PLANET!

Remember people, if we don't stop the animals, then the terrorists animals win.

Update to 'New definition of hard news'

A Phoenix TV station has fired the employee responsible for inserting a porn video into a broadcast of a news show starring Tom Brokaw. People, as your local optimist, I'm hear to let you all know that it could have been worse—he could have inserted a porn clip actually starring Brokoaw, you know.

Which one smokes the biggest cigar?

Hey, everybody! Ahnold's gonna beat the crap out of Rush Limbaugh!

Honestly, why would the biggest political has-been since Anne Coulter take on The Terminator? Hint: it rhymes with "datings."

And that is how you sell-out.

Flying first class, even in space

Not just anyone can go into space. You have to be a certain height, weight and physical shape, or you just have to have a lot of money. Space tourist Charles Simonyi is a billionaire. Sounds to me like he's got the right stuff.

But when you lead a life of comfort, you need to bring that comfort with you. That's why Simonyi will be eating a meal selected by Martha Stewart including duck and quail. No Tang, either.

What a bunch of croc

More shocking news from the fronts of the War on Animals, it seems much like the Taliban, the American crocodile is making a comeback.

The reptile, easily one of the most dangerous on the continent, has had its status changed from "endangered" to "threatened." Folks, our job as humans is to do more than just "endanger" animals, our job is to win this war, because we are in danger of losing if we do not win. And don't let that "American" in the American crocodile's name fool you, these babies care little for our Constitution.

Where is the Crocodile Hunter when we need him? Oh yeah.

Cattling the sabres

In the War on Animals, everything not human is an enemy, even the animals we refer to as "domesticated." No better example of that than what happened yesterday in Miami Gardens, Fla.

A cow was loose in suburbs and did all she could to resist arrest from local authorities. No one knows where the cow came from, and so far the cow has not given any names in questioning.

Mineral baths are all wet

Anyone who has been to Saratoga Springs, New York knows that the town is A) fun when the horse races are on and B) boring the rest of the time.

The town's other claim to fame, their mineral water baths are now tarnished. A state official has confirmed the baths have been diluted with tap water for 20 years. They have since promised to make it up to bath takers by putting soda water in instead.

Seniors these days

Whoever said the last years of your life aren't that wild and crazy is being proven wrong by two seniors. The couple, believed to be around 70 years old, allegedly squirt people with liquid poop and then steal their money.

That's right, liquid poop.

Key quote: "'I felt this blast from the buildings above us. The smell was instant and vile.'"

Corpse on a Plane

Think you've had some bad flights? You're wrong. That is unless you have had a flight where you fell asleep and woke up with a corpse next to you?

One man had that happen to him on a nine-hour flight. If that doesn't get you extra peanuts, this blog doesn't know what will.

Next, we go for 250

Great news, everyone! Mathematicians and computer scientists have finally solved a crucial problem after four years of work. They have successfully mapped a 248 dimensional object called E8.

Key quote: "Underlying symmetrical objects such as spheres and cylinders is something called a Lie group — a mathematical group invented by the 19th century Norwegian mathematician Sophus Lie to study symmetry."

Huh?

Can't spell 'Jesus' without the jay

There are some slogans that instantly catch on in this country, your "where's the beef?" and your "shock and awe" are just a couple examples. But now there is a new slogan going around that has made its way all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court.

"Bong Hits 4 Jesus."

How's that for following up on a story?

The McBournie Minute: Spring

Wednesday marks the first day of spring. Even though we're all still messed up from the early daylight savings time change, now we have to be messed up in terms of weather.

Personally, there are two seasons I really hate: spring and fall. They are both impossible to predict in terms of weather, especially temperature. One day it's 75 degrees and the next it's snowing. You might even need a different coat for the morning than the afternoon. At least with winter you know it's going to be butt-ass cold and the summer is going to melt you.

So yes, while the beginning of spring means that summer is just around the corner, it also means Mother Nature is going to be schizophrenic for a while. Yuck.

MasterChugs Theater: 'Jack Frost'

Greetings once again to a very special MasterChugs Theater! Why is it special? Because March is Movie Mort Month! So, what qualifies a movie to be a mort for these reviews? Well, it can't be anything from Nu Image--that's just too easy. Movies involving Gary Busey sadly can't be included for obvious reasons as well. Instead, it's gotta be special ... and yes, I don't mean child math genius special. With that said, we've got a very special one this week. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, Jack Frost!

First of all, don't get Jack Frost confused with the sappy father-son flop starring Michael Keaton. You can't miss this title on the rental shelves, as it has one of those "morphing" pictures that changes when you move from side to side, going from an innocent snowman to a killer snowman that looks nothing like what's in the movie.

The story? A serial killer, on his way to execution, gets involved in a car crash with a truck carrying special chemicals. Ho-ho-ho, he becomes a giant snowman bent on getting revenge on the small town sheriff who caught him. Jack Frost has the ability to use water and his snowman powers to kill the local inhabitants in various interesting ways.

A common formula for movie making is that when you invest in this fine piece of celluloid craftmanship, you receive a fine return for your investment. A snowman with arms and fangs! Shannon Elizabeth having weird sex with said snowman! A kid who concocts lethal oatmeal! A town so full of morons that the streets are lined with rubber to save costs! Bad puns and snowman decorations everywhere! Hair dryers as weapons! Yes, every statement I've just made about the movie is true! Yes, I like exclamation marks! No, it still can't redeem this movie!

Okay now, Horror Flick 101: One false ending is allowed (in fact, it's practically required); two you can get away with if you do it well; but three is just plain annoying. Not one thing about this movie works, from the stale acting (Shannon Elizabeth, you can't ride on the coattails of your breasts forever), to the SNES SuperFX chip era CGI, to the incomprehensible lack of plot. The next time your family lets you choose the traditional Christmas movie, take my advice: don't play this one. You pop this in and expect to get banned from every family gathering for the next ten years.

You're only as dumb as your bailiff

Just a tip: When a court officer tells you, you can pay your fine by "testing bed sheets and condoms" in his private "lab," there's a pretty good chance he's not on the up and up.

To protect and serve ... alllll night long

The Southampton Police Department forgot to mention to its employees that being a police officer does not mean you get to have sex with prostitutes in the back of your squad car. Sorry for the confusion guys.

Cocktail dress really a cocktail

Ever had a night where you end up wearing your drinks? Take that concept and apply it to a whole new level. You've got Australia's new dress made out of wine.

The dress is grown from bacteria from wine and must be kept wet at all times. (This blog will forgo any temptation to make a sexist remark like, "have at it, gentlemen," because that would be inappropriate.)

New definition of 'hard news'

In Phoenix, viewers of a health show being seen by cable viewers took a strange turn during the broadcast. The company was flooded with complaints.

In other news, Tom Brokaw has sunk to a new low in the battle for ratings.

And now, a musical interlude

Because it seems to be all the rage lately,

"Everybody's doin' a brand nude crime now
(C'mon baby, do the break and entering)
I know you'll get to like it
If you give it a chance now,
(C'mon baby, do the break and entering)
All you've got to do is get nude with ease,
And once you make a snack you can get your z's,
So come on, come on,
Do the break and entering with me."

Thank you, thank you, I'll be selling copies of this out of the back of my car in the parking lot all day.

Economic reform while romping in the hay

A German brothel is now offering an early bird special for retirees, because nothing beats an afternoon roll in the bedsheets before Matlock comes on.

I'd make a blue plate special joke, but...ew.

Slumber to bumper traffic

As Americans, one thing that unites us all is that we hate traffic and yet none of us want to ride a bike or take a train to work because that would be stupid.

Now the FDA is telling us there is a drug that will take out morning commutes out of the way. You won't even remember it; best of all, you will get to work refreshed and feel like you just got up because you did. That's right, sleep aids can cause sleep driving.

More common symptoms are sleeping, walking, talking, eating, cooking and having sex while asleep. It's time to get more done while getting your beauty sleep, America!

Hunka hunka votin' love

Elvis Presley was showed America what good he could do for the world when he joined the U.S. Army and went to Korea in the 1950s. Now, he is working his magic once again, only this time he is leading by example for the people Papua New Guinea.

The King is joined by other long dead royalty and crooner Tom Jones in registering to vote in the country's national elections this fall. In fact, nearly half of the registered voters are Elvis, or some other celebrity. We could learn from those guys.

Officer, you smell divine

Some cops in India don't really have the respect of the public. Rather than beat them into submission in the Los Angeles Police Department pioneered in the 1980s and 1990s, they are trying something a little new to law enforcement.

They are making their uniforms smell nice. Next they will bring flowers to your door and ask to take you to the movies.

Catches bras just like flies

Being a long time Spider-man fan, it almost wounds me to report this: a real-life Spider-man used his awesome climbing skills not to fight crime, but to collect 4000 pieces of ladies' underwear instead. Sadly, we can't all use our powers for good, nor behold the responsibility that comes with great power.

I bet it was the clone. Curse you Reilly!

OK. Geek out moment over.

Germany is the new New Zealand

Germany is attempting to again upset New Zealand as home of the weirdest stories you might hear across either ocean. The case this time? An old man stuck glued himself to a roof.

Now, mind you, I'm not actually sure what it says about the work ethic, job market, or employment of a country that allows a 91 year old man to work on a roof, but the continued insistence on comparing the old man to a beetle definitely earns the country wacky points.

Holy plant water

It is a crime to steal things, like say, water from the Pope's garden hose in Germany. What seems to be either a crime or just plain stupid is filming people steal water from the Pope's garden and then getting caught doing so.

A freelance journalist had that happen to him. He was fined 100 euros and told to say 1 million Hail Marys and 8,000 Our Fathers.

No man is an island

But truly, a house may be. Hope he's got tons of groceries.

Another use for a tail pipe

Guys love machines. They have a natural interest in having the coolest and biggest machines. From the toy dump trucks boys love to the stupid people who spend every cent they have on their cars.

Men love their cars. Some more than others.

Justice in a baggie

Breaking news from New Zealand Australia, the woman who was arrested when she tried to smuggle fish through an airport has been sentenced.

The justice: she was sentenced to nine months community service. Clearly, Australia is sending fish smugglers everywhere a message to keep their grubby hands off.

Richard Jeni, we hardly knew ye

For those who have not heard, comedian Richard Jeni is dead of an apparent suicide. While I cannot speak for others. He was one of my top five favorite stand-up comics. We will miss you.

This is NSFW:

Great moments in diplomacy

An Israeli diplomat in El Salvador was relieved of his duties after he was found drunk, naked and tied up in a yard. He was also wearing several sex toys.

Key understating quote: "'We're talking about behavior that is unbecoming of a diplomat,' she said."

Sometimes the money's there

Sometimes, it's not. Guess that means that Aerosmith's newest power rock love ballad won't be played anytime soon.

World War III is upon us...

....and it's all because the British aren't fans of movies.

Hey, British smarties: technical glitch in ground equipment = time displaced freedom fighter. DUH.

The McBournie Minute: Spring training

Can you feel the baseball excitement? We are only a few weeks away from opening day and Major League Baseball's triumphant return. And with the new season there is a message:

The Boston Red Sox won the 2004 World Series--get over it.

As a Sox fan born and raised, it is very tough for me to say that. On my couch is a 2004 World Series blanket. I have T-shirts from both the World Series and the 2004 American League Championship Series (in its original packaging, hello, eBay!). But I feel it is time to stop celebrating and get back to business.

Sure, we waited 86 years to win, sure, it was nothing short of a storybook ending, but two teams have won the World Series since then. Hell, one of them was the team we beat two years ago. It is time to look toward the future and stop celebrating the past. Here's to the 2007 season.

MasterChugs Theater: 'Ishtar'

Welcome to quite possibly the most infamous movie mort that there is. Famous for being a colossal bomb, despite having a star studded cast of Warren Beatty, Dustin Hoffman, Charles Grodin, and Carol Kane, Ishtar is a failure, through and through. It's not pretty folks. It's just not pretty at all. Believe the hype, ladies and gentlemen.

Chuck Clarke (Hoffman) and Lyle Rogers (Beatty) are a couple of no-talent New York singer-songwriters who agree to play the only gig they can find at the Chez Casablanca in Morocco. En route, they become embroiled in various international intrigues in the neighboring Ishtar, a fictional location, mind you. OK, let's take a look at this movie's problems. First of all, the characters in the film are two big losers. And I mean, BIIIIIIG losers! They can't sing or write songs for their lives, and spend the first twenty minutes of the movie proving this fact to us. Yes, I realize that this part was supposed to be funny, but I didn't crack one smile the whole time. We call this irony. I just felt embarrassed for the two actors.

Then, the film switches gears and suddenly moves to Morocco, where the two morons get swept up into a political espionage scandal, that actually gets serious at some point. Huh? Back the train up please. Of course, the whole "bad singers" thing takes a back seat while the movie focuses on some inane plot-line about a historical map and how the communists want it as well as others, who may want the twosome dead, to join their collective commune, be all they can be, and yada yada yada.

And that's when the laughs, such as they were, go as well. There's only one funny line after they arrive at their destination, and that's from the compere at the hotel introducing, "And now, from the team of Rogers and Clarke - Rogers!" Why is Lyle on his own? Because the heavy handed spy plot has intervened, and Chuck has become embroiled with freedom fighters from the neighbouring country of Ishtar represented by Isabelle Adjani, whose running gag is that she cries a lot of the time (maybe thinking of her hopes of an American career disappearing over the horizon?). Then Chuck is in the pay of the CIA thanks to agent Charles Grodin while Lyle joins up with the rebels; for a team they spend too much time apart. Apparently this was meant to be a throwback to the Bob Hope and Bing Crosby Road movies, but nothing really gels here, although it is interesting that the CIA are the bad guys when it emerges they want to kill our two heroes for the map they are unwittingly carrying.

Audiences may have been searching for more sophisticated humor, and they didn't find it in Ishtar. Maybe they expected more from the illustrious Beatty and Hoffman, and Ishtar didn't fit the bill. Or maybe there are only a few people in the world who find humor in blind camels stumbling through sand storms and eager buzzards prancing about before their would-be dinner. Or perhaps it's just the music that scared people away. Many of the songs were penned by May, along with musician and actor Paul Williams, who was responsible for the lyrics of the Carpenter's big hit "We've Only Just Begun," as well as the soundtracks to The Muppet Movie and A Star Is Born. Somehow Rogers and Clarke's "I'm Quitting High School" and "Wardrobe of Love" don't match up to his other hits. But if you love the songs, the film's end credits advertise the Ishtar soundtrack--though I've never seen this gem anywhere. Maybe ISHTAR's problem was a combination of all the above. Or maybe Ishtar is just destined to be one of those ill-fated movies that shows up at the wrong place at the wrong time for the wrong audience. But if you choose to rent it, as a viewer, you will most certainly fall into one of two very distinct categories: you'll love it or you'll hate it. In recent years, it has become fashionable to give Ishtar another chance and reappraise it as unfairly maligned, but, honestly, it really wasn't that good in the first place. In fact ... it burns. It burns a lot. Far from recommended.

Greatest invention ever

Like beer but hate getting up from the couch for it? Let the beer come to you, fresh out of the fridge.

Bad divorces-they're not just for Americans anymore

Oh me, oh my, those wacky...Germans?

Forgot to get a pre-nup in time? Just do all the work by ensuring that you get HALF of all of the owned possessions!


......literally.

Panda watch '07

A panda in China was found in the wild missing two thirds of its left leg. Who knew they existed in the wild?

Now an animal research center is calling for help in finding an artificial limb for the injured panda so it can mate. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but isn't that giving aid and comfort to the enemy, much less helping them repopulate.

This is a war and we need to keep our stomachs about us if we are to succeed.

Come with me if you want to live

Good news, fellow humans! We now have a secret weapon in the War on Animals. Thanks to European scientists, we now have robot salamanders. This blog's suggestion is that we use these like the machines used terminators in the Terminator movies--as impostors that can get into enemy strongholds and then clean house.

Ironic story of the day

The United States State Department, a part of the current United States government (and one of the most conservative governments in years), has decided to back "Borat", the movie starring Sacha Baron Cohen, listing it as a victim of "human rights abuse".

Kazakhstan, your war on terrorizing the film industry is next.

Domo arigato, Officer Roboto

Robots have rights too.

At least, according to South Korea, those mechanized warriors do. Unfortunately, this bothers me, as how are we to be both ethical and still use these machines as cannon fodder to take on the animal kingdom? We can't. Sorry Asimov, but it's time to refuse you.

Iraqis, weird even in the U.S.

An Iraqi national living in Atlantic City, N.J. got the attention of airport security when he set off a metal detector with some rather unusual cargo.

Key quote: "Al-Maliki, a former security guard, told screeners that he knew what had triggered the alarm and proceeded to remove items from his rectum, including a rock, chewing gum and thin wire filament."

Soy butt lube?

After sucking (heh) the joy from almost everything else in life, environmentalists have struck again.

This blog firmly believes that environmentalists have no place in our bedrooms, unless they're really hot and maybe borderline preachy.

Headline of the Day

When are we going to get enough security in and around our nations courtrooms? If our superheroes are not safe, no one is. My guess is it was an animal that did it.

How many deaths are going to happen today? And more importantly, why is this really even news?

It feels so good on the skin

A Wisconsin man gets cited after a snow storm compels him to go outside and run around naked. Personally, that's not usually how I react to winter weather, but, hey, whatever warms your mittens and puts the hot in your cocoa.

Quick wedding, quick honeymoon, quick divorce

The eternal question is one for deep and meditative pondering: why do people hit loved ones with cars?

Maybe she didn't like his other wives.

Crack open a box of merlot

Cheap wine drinkers everywhere have another reason to pour a glass this morning. Wine magnate Ernest Gallo has died at the tender age of 97. Word on the street is he drank too much of his own stuff, passed out and choked on his vomit.

When will you kids learn?

Tip for those driving cars

If your car is carrying marijuana for any sort of reason, it may not be the best idea to hit a police cruiser. Crazy hippies and their poor driving skills.

Raise my eggs, see?

It is normal during the course of a war for some to wonder if the cause it truly just. We now know that the War on Animals is a just war indeed. Our enemy isn't even human.

Take the cowbird, for example. They lay their eggs in other bird species' nests and just leave them there for the other bird to raise their young. If the eggs are removed, the cowbirds trash the nest. It's mafia-style tactics at their very worst. Or "woist."

Business advice from the guys #96,856

There's a reason why nudist resorts tend to flourish in places like Southern California, and not, say, Maine in the middle of winter. That's what called a "hostile environment."

It burns, it burns!

Are you thirsty but regular bottled water just won't do it? There's just something missing from the water, isn't there? That's why you need holy bottled water.

Blessed by Catholic and Anglican priests, the bottles of water are currently being sold in California. Because everyone knows Californians are among the most pious in the country. In case you had your doubts, it is real.

Key quote: "Warning: Consuming Holy Drinking Water™ should not replace attending church or any other establishment of worship."

Blackmoose Down

A suicide attack by a moose has brought down a Division of Wildlife Conservation helicopter.

Let this blog be clear: the moose showed no favoritism to even the very humans that protected him. This is a holy war, and there is no room for animal apologists or fifth columnists. Animals will kill again and again until they have reached their perversion of heaven.

Party with professors

Remember how annoying it was to have a roommate in the dorms in college? If so, please tell me. Most of my memories from college are an alcohol-fueled blur.

However, it could be worse. Try having a professor live with you on your hall. Awkward!

Army strong feelings

Adjusting to Army life can be a tough transition. Hell, sticking to a motto for the U.S. Army is tough: "Be all that you can be," "An army of one" and the ever succinct "Army strong."

With that in mind, boot camp is changing to meet the needs you never wanted.

Oh, and doesn't this sound awfully familiar:

Soldiers from Estrada's previous unit reported Estrada told them to shed their shirts "so he could photograph their bodies in order to document physical development," the affidavit said. Others described being ordered to "dress up and pose in spandex and then told not to mention it to anyone."

I hope you didn't see that

Sometimes in life, old men, even ones that look like Goonies Ghoulies, must look up a stall in a women's bathroom while said member of that gender is taking a wizz. This also means that your fetish is a crime. A CRIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Notice that there's a strong difference between taking so much medication that you're falling asleep and having your eyes be verrrrrrrrrrrrry open.

The McBournie Minute: Happy birthday, SG

March 5, 2006 was the day SeriouslyGuys officially opened for business. It was the result of weeks of planning between The Guys and trying to figure out exactly what we wanted this to be. We never had all the same ideas, but we found a compromise everyone agreed.

Now, one year later, we have been view by nearly 5,000 individuals both here in the U.S. and abroad. We're huge in China. SG is more about the reader than it is about us. The way we see it (except for Bryan Schools, who rarely, if ever, posts) is if we can write about the things you want to know and add our own special take on it, we're doing our job.

If we didn't have readers, we probably wouldn't be updating this thing constantly (from 8:30 a.m. to 5 p.m. during weekdays). So enough with the self-congratulatory stuff and the cheesy "thank yous." Here's to a successful year of SG and many more.

MasterChugs Theater: 'The Messengers'

In honor of SeriouslyGuys' one-year anniversary, and also in honor of the birthdays of both my mom (please don't disown me over this) and my younger brother, this column shall take a different turn, becoming "MasterChugs March Movie Mort Month" (we're pretty keen on alliteration over here). For five weeks, I'm going to detail to you movies that sadly just can't make the cut of "it's so bad, it's good" ... these movies just plain suck. First up: The Messengers.

The Messengers is the latest American horror film with a transplanted Asian director--or in this case, a directing team--at the helm, and it's simultaneously something more and something less than other films in the cycle, like The Ring 2 and The Grudge. Directors (and brothers) Danny and Oxide (yes, that is his name) Pang have made a less gimmicky, more adult thriller than either of the Grudge flicks, and they take their time getting to the horrific moments. For most of its running time The Messengers is essentially a character study of a dysfunctional family, and the decision to carefully develop the relationships is an admirable one--theoretically, it makes the scary moments that much more frightening. The problem is that when The Messengers does finally get to the action, the story is so nonsensical that the carefully drawn characterizations are rendered meaningless.

North Dakota towns are never as quaint as they seem, especially to those newly moving into them and their farm houses. True enough, the town is peaceful and pleasant; however, the Solomons' new house is anything but. It's little Ben who first spots the undead inhabitants of the secluded country home. He laughs and points at things that no one else sees; horrifying creatures that crawl across the ceilings, materialize through the wallpaper and help make the beds (they even do windows!). Once the trio of specters are done with the household chores, they set their sinister sights on a more cognizant family member: Jess (Kristen Stewart).

According to the movie's tagline, only children are susceptible to the wiles of phantoms; Jess is young enough to see them and fall prey to the creepy creatures' clutches, yet she is old enough to understand what's happening and to tell her parents about the haunting of their home. Unfortunately, they don't believe her. Even after she is scratched and bruised by the beings, Roy and Denise suppose that Jess is only making these things up because she hates living on the farm. Sure, the sunflower patch is not exactly a hotbed of fun--Jess' only friends are a laid-back local boy named Bobby (Dustin Milligan) and the affable new farmhand, John (Corbett)--but nobody could make up supernatural encounters quite this horrible for that reason alone.

So, can excellent cinematography save this movie? No. No no no no no. The acting is fourth-rate. The writing is aimless and lacks any teeth at all. The biggest problem is that the talented Pang brothers are coming to a genre that has simply run dry of ideas and the script for The Messengers lets them down at every cliched turn. There isn't a single original concept in The Messengers, it's all something that you've seen before. It's getting to the point that these films have become the Mad Libs of horror with the same ghostly kids just changing locations and cast members. The real message to be learned from The Messengers is that audiences need something new to scare them, not the same old ghosts.

The scares in this film just aren't all that scary or novel. There are a couple of nice creepy moments--watch closely while Penelope Ann Miller makes the bed--but, between the music telegraphing every scare ahead of time and the heavy-handed editing, the intensity soon turns to monotony. While it was wise for the story to focus on the family and to provide them with realistic problems to face outside of the supernatural threat, it was not enough to save The Messengers. Avoid like the plague.

A day without Paris

You know a person has been covered way too much if even the Associated Press refuses to write a story about them. That very thing happened with Paris Hilton recently.

This blog applauds the AP for doing that. Perhaps next they will do the same for Anna Nicole Smith.

Best lunch break ever

Women: are you tired of your moderately crazed husbands always protesting about things? In particular, are you tired of your husbands protesting jail sentences by standing on top of poles?

Send a picture of yourself topless to your husband in his lunch box. (Hint: This will probably work on guys for just about any task.)

Notice we made no "sitting on a pole" jokes.

Something's fishy about that woman

It's not New Zealand, but it's pretty close. Many people call it "Australia." A woman was sentenced for nine months of community service after she was caught trying to smuggle fish through an airport.

A specially made apron in her dress was how she brought the fish through.

Key quote: "Sharon Naismith, 45, was caught in June 2005 at the airport in the southern city of Melbourne after customs officers heard 'flipping' noises coming from her clothes and conducted a search, Australian Customs said."

Not so free as a bird

The Chinese are rapidly pulling ahead of us in technology. First they successfully shot down a satellite with a missile, now they are operating pigeons by remote control.

One can only assume this is going to be used for strategic poopings. The U.S. cannot afford to fall behind! If the Chinese insist on using our enemies in the War on Animals against us, we must fight back.

Service with a smile

In honor of Bryan McBournie, we kick off March's Picture of the Day.

They're so friendly that they love to see you smile.

Grocery stores blow....up...almost

Recipe for Italian Mashed Potatoes:

-Go to local Naples supermarket.
-Buy potatoes.
-Wash off grenade taken home in potatoes.
-Set off grenade.
-Enjoy eating through a tube for the rest of your life.

SG helps the lonely

The Internet is filled with people who are sad, lonely and dejected. Several of them are known as The Guys. For those lonely souls, the Internet has also become a place where they can meet someone special. But sometimes people need more specialized sites.

A Dutch site (don't worry, it's clean) lets pet lovers find kindred spirits. And several sites specializing in people who have STDs are growing. One might say they are spreading like a disease.