SeriouslyGuys

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Sea World War

The killer whale, whose name should have been a clear warning for everyone, has struck in California, where apparently all kinds of marine life are attacking.

Kasatka, a killer whale at Sea World in San Diego (coincidentally, Spanish for a whale's vagina) pulled its trainer underwater twice during a performance yesterday.

Now that's what I call entertainment, if not another battle in the War on Animals.

Labels:

Let loose the dogs of war!

Or at least the brass firedogs.

"A commotion of grunts and squeaks, flashing unconnected images and explosions of a million little particles."

No, that's not a description of a car crash or my driving style—it's the winner of this year's Bad Sex in Fiction Award.

The war on animals continues

The enemy for this battlefront? A crypotozoological mishmash of mammalian proportions.

Labels:

Great moments in law enforcement

The country is finally safe, now that Sacramento police have broken up an almond-theft ring. They stole almonds. Really. That's the big deal.

This blog just likes seeing the term "nut nabbing" in the media again.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Animal-related Story of the Day

A lone sea lion has bitten more than 14 people in one month. The sea lion has chased more from San Francisco's Marine Mammal Center.

In the war on animals, there are no front lines, but it seems San Francisco has become a hot spot. It's about time we flushed it out. Grab your clubs, everyone.

Labels:

Headline of the Day At This Point

What is more important than what a person was wearing when they died? Nothing, this blog believes.

Key quote: "At Cockrum's request, there will be no public services and his body will be cremated, according to Cox Funeral Home. His ashes will be spread on his property. A family friend said he will be cremated in a Green Lantern shirt."

The Spy Who Loved Both Genders

Daniel Craig says he'd like to see James Bond revolutionize the spy genre and have a gay film scene in his next film. Does this mean that we can forget about that remake of "Octopussy?" Say it ain't so!

They're there for the books with the pretty pictures

A library in Michigan turns off the internet, because too many people are just using it for porn. To be fair, that is why the internet was invented. Well, that and to put up pictures of cats.

Holiday shopping tip

Don't order your camcorders at Best Buy. One family in St. Louis bought $1,600 camcorder. What they got was something a little less.

Like a jar of pasta sauce.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

New ground in child rearing

To the list of such parental clichés as "there are starving people in China" and "clean your room," add "... or I will put you up for adoption on Craigslist."

Country musicians: fun people

Among the list of soldiers in the War on Animals, list Troy Lee Gentry. By his own admission, Gentry shot and killed a bear that was kept in a pen.

Look for Montgomery Gentry's new song about it, titled "(A Broken Heart Leads To) Shooting Whiskey and Bears."

Best Headline of the Day At This Point

Remember, they said it, not me.

Classification continues anew

Just when you thought that having our skies filled with all manner of dirty birds was bad enough...prepare for the news that man's best friend isn't man's best friend!

Labels:

Predictable Headline of the Day

It seems Britney Spears has flashed the paparazzi her nether region. Which begs the question, does anyone really care anymore?

This blog will be searching for pictures the answer all day.

Monday, November 27, 2006

From the realm of the terribly important

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Taking it to the whales

Folks, we may not have very long in the war on animals. Now, it seems humpback whales may have a type of brain cell found in humans, some apes and dolphins.

This is like being a member of the nuclear club. The more species that have this, the worse it is for us.

Man (or woman) your battle stations!

Fast food, eh?

Those who grew up around an ice rink know the draw to driving the Zamboni. For those uninitiated, that's the machine they drive around to resurface the ice.

However, the Zamboni, as it turns out, is not the ideal mode of transportation when you're hungry.

Cutting out what's unimportant

Buddhism: easily the most painful religion in the world.

Apologies to guys everywhere who yelped upon reading that story.

The McBournie Minute: Classic Rock

And we're back. Classic rock radio stations are easily found on anyone's radio dial. They play the songs from the 60s, 70s, sometimes the 80s and early 90s as well. My question is this: who decides what is classic and what is not?

Somewhere, a long time ago, radio stations decided 50s rock was not "classic." But as time goes on, more songs are added as they leave the realm of "current" and enter "classic," no songs ever leave. When do classic songs become ancient?

Remember in high school how there were kids who always wore the T-shirts of bands their parents listened to? It was common to see Led Zeppelin, The Beatles, The Doors, The Who and Pink Floyd. Will there still be those kids in 20 years, or will those bands be replaced? Obviously, Nirvana will be up there, but who else? Smashing Pumpkins, Bush, Foo Fighters?

Will there still be overweight dorks roaming the halls with Weezer shirts?

Labels:

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Happy Thanksgiving

The Guys are calling it a week. Time to head for home and eat as much turkey as you can. Thanksgiving is one of the most important annual battles against bird in the War on Animals.

Happy genocide!

The World War II on Christmas

It seems those PC Nazis are back to put a damper on everyone's Christmas plans this year. Their latest attack is the closing of a holiday display showing gingerbread men wearing swastikas and giving Nazi salutes. Apparently it's just too much Christmas cheer for some people.

Now the war on Christmas has turned Nazi against Nazi. When will it end?

Africa Gone Wild!

Some Nigerians don't approve of the country's "Crazy Era of Nakedness." Someone is definitely crazy over there ... and it ain't the naked people.

Well, OK, it might just be the naked people.

Dragon spice not made from actual dragon meat

If dragons are to be considered kosher, would it be ok to eat dragon sausage?

Scurry to Capitol Hill '06: Nevada Senators

Nevada's two U.S. senators are of opposing parties. Both wanted to make clear that they will try to work closely on the issues that matter.

They just don't want you to think they're gay.

Remember, just because they're willing to reach across the aisle doesn't mean they're going to give reach arounds.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Coming soon: yet another dollar coin

The Susan B. Anthony and Sacagewea dollar coins never caught on with Americans. Now the ever-bored U.S. Mint is preparing to release new golden dollar coins. This time, they're going to have faces of the U.S. presidents.

The plan calls for four presidents to release per year, much like the state quarters, which release five states each year. Soon, Americans can have a coin with the face of their favorite president, like in 2012, you'll get the faces of Chester A. Arthur, Grover Cleveland, Benjamin Harrison and Grover Cleveland again.

According to the U.S. Mint, the final president will be engraved in 2016, the last pick? None other than beloved president Richard M. Nixon. He will have the entire year to himself. This blog is not making that up.

Update to People of China, rejoice!

Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeevermind.

Headline of the Day

Because sometimes, a person just needs to sit back and take in a headline that reads like a Russ Meyer/Roger Corman collaboration movie title.

News from where I live

A TV weatherman kept his job after admitting he was a recovering heroin addict, but when a nude photo of him ends up on MySpace ... chance of firing 100 percent.

The McBournie Minute: Thanksgiving

As we all know, later this week, it's Thanksgiving. It's a time to go home, see your relatives, remember why you don't see them that often and eat lots of turkey. You watch the parade and at the end, Santa Claus comes out, ushering in the Christmas season.

Got that, sales people?

Listen, toolbags, you've been cramming holiday cheer down our holiday throats since before Halloween. You keep extending the Christmas season every year. Before too long, we'll be breaking out It's a Wonderful Life around Labor Day. The line has to be drawn somewhere.

That goes for you, too, radio stations that play Christmas music 24/7 for over two months. Give it a rest, no one wants to hear LFO's version of "Jingle Bells"--at least not since 1997.

Fa la la la la you.

Labels:

Friday, November 17, 2006

MasterChugs Theater: 'Audition'

We all love a good old-fashioned traditional romance tale, don’t we? You know the kind of thing I mean … boy meets girl, boy dates girl, boy discovers girl’s shady secrets, girl turns into psychotic S & M torturer … sniff. It brings tears to your eyes, doesn’t it?

Well, the last half-hour of Audition will certainly bring tears to your eyes. My mom always said you should watch out for the quiet ones. Welcome to what is perhaps the least extreme of Takashi Miike’s films and the one that truly cemented his reputation outside Japan as being one of the most extreme directors in the world, Audition; a film with such a horrifying final half-hour that it holds the dubious honor of having had the most audience walk-outs of all time during its premiere.

Widowed for several years, Shigeharu Aoyama (Ryo Ishibashi) has raised his son with dignity but without real joy in a large house where silence echoes a painful absence. Envisioning himself remarried without really knowing how to go about it, the shy 40-something announces his project to his friend Yoshikawa (Jun Kunimura), a film producer who proposes putting on a false audition in order to find him a wife. Reading through resumes, Shigeharu discovers a very personal letter from an actress with whose pain he immediately identifies. He becomes infatuated with the young woman and decides to pursue her after the audition. Shigeharu and Asami (Eihi Shiina) become lovers until the day she disappears without a trace. Shigeharu then sets out to find her and slowly plunges into a nightmare that's all too real.

Based on a novel by Ryu Murakami, author of "Tokyo Decadence," and on a scenario by Daisuke Tengan, the son of Shohei Imamura, the movie affirms the unique vision of director Takashi Miike, beyond the yakuza films like Dead or Alive that made his reputation. Audition is above all a work of extreme precision that owes its success to the orchestra conductor's talent who meticulously directs this symphony of horror. Starting in a hospital room at the bedside of Shigeharu's wife, the film has an air of bittersweet drama before transforming into a romantic comedy during the audition scene. As the audience has acquired a sincere affection for the main character, viewers believe themselves to be embarked on a light comedy in the vein of Shall We Dance? The change of tone at the time of the audition as well as the film's title establish this scene as a pivotal to the plot, and so the audience expects unforseen consequences. The film then follows the game of cat and mouse between the two lovers while some strange scenes furtively appear, heralding what's to come. The transition is made smoothly until we meet Asami's adoptive father in a room bathed in dark red light, a sign that Shigeharu, like the audience, has entered purgatory. Everything then crescendos into terror while the descent into hell is inescapable.

The psychological horror and gore of the climax make it almost unbearable. But what makes the end efficient is the way in which the writer and director handle cinematic conventions. Contrary to Italian gore (one thinks of Dario Argento and Lucio Fulci) where each film is watched with derision as a puppet show stripped of any credibility, Audition starts like a conventional film and chloroforms the audience into an inoffensive and charming love story. Caught up in the system of a romantic narrative and the realistic context of the story, the audience is then brutally awakened by an unexpected and painful shot of horror.

Miike himself vehemently denies that Audition is meant as social criticism. In fact he denies the existence of any kind of artistic pretense in his films, instead stating that he is in no position to criticise his fellow men and that he simply wants to create the best possible result from the material offered to him. Whichever way you look at it, the film works. Psycho-thriller, social indictment or both, Audition proves to be a powerhouse.

Labels:

Headline of the Year

The Republicans are getting cocky.

I guess they took a page (::snicker::) from Mark Foley (::suppressed laughter at own's joke::).

George Bush doesn't like black magic

After months of hiding their faces, witchdoctors (whom this blog has declared war against) are back. Recently, a voodoo practitioner in Indonesia has put a hex on President George Bush.

Key quote: "Ki Gendeng Pamungkas slit the throat of a goat, a small snake and stabbed a black crow in the chest, stirred their blood with spice and broccoli before drank the 'potion' and smeared some on his face."

Mmmmm.

Big Brother is watching

Seattle police are now using Craigslist to set up prostitution stings and then arresting the johns and basically ruining Craigslist for everyone. This blog suspects that we have not heard the end of this.

Man gives left nut for stereo speakers

How much devotion to being an audiophile do you have? Not as much as this one, I'd say. Sadly, he doesn't qualify for a Darwin Award because he still retains a right testicle, and as such, can still reproduce.

They get younger every day

Naptime is nothing more than planning time for criminal youngsters. I fully expect one day for a child to be pulled out of the womb and then threaten the doctor to give no bill.

I want to sink to the bottom with you

If you're like The Guys, you are a hopeless romantic who in rare moments of sobriety is looking for ways to show your significant other that you care about them. Well, friends, look no further.

Nothing says, "I'm sorry for the crabs" like naming an artificial reef after her. You're welcome.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

The birds are still after us

This time, they refuse to stop at the macroscopic level, but instead are furthering their weapons of mass destruction at the microscopic level even more!

Remember people--it's us or them.

Labels:

People of China, rejoice!

Your government has now allowed you access to 0.5% of the internet!

That's one small step for freedom, and only 99.5% left to walk. I hear you might be actually able to read what either have to think as well.

Is that a barf bag or are you happy to see me?

A man who felt sick to his stomach on a flight was arrested for overt sexual activity on a plane. He had his head on his girlfriend's lap. One could say they thought he was having SEX ON A PLANE!

It's about time we started arresting people for feeling sick on a plane. Take your weak stomachs elsewhere!

Finally, a serious sport

The greatest tournament the world has ever seen is finally here, everyone! It's time for the International World Rock Paper Scissors Championships. True, they're probably over by now, but where else are you going to get coverage?

Side note: It's great that one of the people in that picture is dressed like Captain Morgan.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Night of the Elected Dead

Sam Duncan is a motivated man. He won't even let death keep him from his campaign.

Duncan may have died in October, but that didn't mean a thing to the people of Union County, N.C. They gave him 12,000 votes to elect him to the county's Soil and Water Conservation board.

Voters said they were not notified of Duncan's death. Clearly, there are zombies or zombie sympathizers in the Union County Board of Elections.

As we all know, this is not the first case of the undead campaigning for public office.

Grab your shotguns, stock up on ammo and practice your head shots, everyone. It seems the zombie uprising is edging closer with each new day.

Stay tuned to SG for updates on the rise of the undead.

Labels:

U.S. government says there's too little porn on the internet

Again, people of America, this is what your tax dollars are paying for: United States government commissioned studies to "find out what websites are sexually explicit."

Big-wigs in Congress, I could've given you some rough guesses as to what comprises the internet for the cost of nothing more than a root beer float. The internet is comprised of nothing more than:

1. 1 percent porn, 49 percent pictures of peoples' cats and 50 percent illegal download bandwidth

2. 1 percent porn, 20 percent pipes, 30 percent wood (remnants of the Internet 1) and 49% percent Angelfire, Geocities and Tripod websites that haven't been updated since 1997.

There. I'll take my float in a nice tall glass, Mr. or Ms. Congressman/Congresswoman.

Wal-Mart supports Nazis

Hold on, let me correct that. It should read as "Walmart is a bunch of lilly-livered land-lubbers that doesn't support a good Jolly Roger every now and then."

I also hope that they remove all t-shirts with the peace symbol on it, seeing as how that was the insignia for Hitler's Third Panzer Division, circa 1941. Also, everyone knows that the real Nazis are PEACENIKS.

Inverted voting

Let's face it, when it comes to voting, Florida has little or no idea what they are doing. One person mailed in their absentee ballot with an extremely rare 1918 stamp worth $200,000. The stamp, the famous "Inverted Jenny," was dated and obviously did not have enough postage, so it was rejected.

However, it now looks like the stamp was a fake. That's the kind of well-rounded reporting you have come to expect from SeriouslyGuys.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

The dead drive among us

In Australia, many traffic tickets are being attributed to the deceased. Clearly, zombies are not only running for office, they are out there on the roads today.

Folks, it's time we fought back against these zombies. They've taken advantage of our public services for too long, now they're putting us all in danger with their unsafe driving habits.

This blog hates zombies.

Labels:

Boy bands are hungry like the wolf

May we only be blessed by a pairing like this with such classics mash-ups like "Cry me a Rio?", "Bye bye girls on film", and "A view to rock your body".

Scarily enough, I know at least one guy that will honestly be thrilled by this team-up.

The sky is falling....

....over and over and over.

I guess you might want to bring an umbrella.

Mandella's doing what now?

A couple of years ago, if someone felt discriminated against here in America, we could always say, "Hey, at least you're not in South Africa."

We just got served ... progressively.

Great moments in journalism

The $2 bill is making a comeback across the country. In previous years, it has been distrusted, called bad luck, even a sign of the devil. That may not be so far off base now, experts think it might be inflation.

9News Now's Dave Statter is on the case.

Key quote: "He tells us Jefferson doesn't appear to be that popular in Washington. He couldn't even find one at an exotic club."

(Courtesy Mike Caruso)

Monday, November 13, 2006

The difference between Singapore and the United States

In Singapore, tapping into someone else's internet connection gets you up to three years of prison. In the United States of America, it gets you commendations of L33T SKILLZ D00DZ!!1111

Clearly, our country's justice system uses MAD HAXXORZ.

Can't play the guitar?

Just play your shirt instead. I seriously have nothing but glee for stupid fun and public shenanigans that this might create.

Of course, I'm a huge Guitar Hero fan, so stupid fun and shenanigans are nothing new to me.

Cruel and unusual punishment

A prison in Buffalo, Montana has a totally new look since inmates tried to break out of it last month. Let's hope they like pink walls.

Key quote: "And it's a calming thing; Teddy bears are soothing. So we made it like a day care, and that's kind of like what it is, a day care for adults who can't control their behavior in public."

Creating panda jerks, one jerk at a time

Leave it to Thailand to show panda porn to panda bears in order to create offspring.

Way to go Thailand, you're making nothing but a nation of panda jerks!

The McBournie Minute: Celebrity divorces

In Hollywood, adopting African children is out and divorcing your loser husband is in. Reese Witherspoon, Whitney Houston and now Britney Spears have all filed for divorce from their husbands.

Really, who cares?

It doesn't matter, does it? Nothing in the world changes with that news coming out. Yet the country is obsessed with it. America is obsessed with celebrities the way high schoolers are obsessed with the popular kids. Remember them? They could say anything and it was funny, they knew all the other cool people and chances were none of them gave a bowel movement about you. Yet the school was always abuzz with what the popular kids were doing or saying.

The same is true today. American society is an extension of high school. We read about the cool kids in the tabloids and see them talk about why they are cool on the news. They often misbehave, but their status gets them off the hook every time.

One must wonder, if celebrities are the popular kids, what does that make the rest of us? I'll see you in the cafeteria, save me a seat.

Labels:

Friday, November 10, 2006

MasterChugs Theater: 'Dolemite'

Rudy Ray Moore might not have reinvented cinema, but he is a pioneer when it comes to comedy. Moore peppered his bits with enough four-letter words and sexual innuendo (and not so innuendo) to make Richard Pryor and Redd Foxx blink. He found great success doing comedy party albums, and he also single-handedly shaped what would become hip-hop music, by performing rap before Grand Master Flash and The Sugar Hill Gang even bought a Dr. Seuss book. Moore's stand-up creation Dolemite, was quickly turned into a film character (and later an icon of "blaxpoitation" films), even though Dolemite more closely resembles the style of Bruce Lee films. Funded by Moore out of his own pocket (and helped by sales of his album Eat Out More Often), Dolemite's high-flying karate heroics, little-man-versus-big-man storylines, and bad dubbing work on many different levels, although none very high-brow.

Reviewing Dolemite is all about the little idiosyncrasies that make it so memorable. It's not a film that has too many layers or deserves a vast article focusing on the superb cinematography. The reason to love the film so adamantly is how very stupidly fun it is. You can't talk about Dolemite and not mention his karate fighting stable of hoes (I'm not making this up). It's a package deal, even if the ho's don't get to do a great deal of fighting. Dolemite, or perhaps just the Xenon VHS version, is the only film where in the credits on the front cover there is someone listed as "Martial Arts Champion!" Is it really necessary to have a martial arts "champion" on set? Wouldn't it be more valuable to have a fight choreographer? I have no idea what the 'champion' title means, it's as if someone on set had a tournament and whomever's martial arts won received their name on the front of the film's poster. It's truly bizarre, and considering the complete lack of decency within the fighting it's self, it just makes things even more hilarious. I'm not speaking out of turn either. The 'karate' within Dolemite is the stuff of legend. The very first fight sequence that establishes our character had me laughing so hard I was afraid I would wake the neighbors. It happens during a flashback to when Dolemite was arrested by the FBI (err, I think they were FBI. If not, they were all plain clothes detectives). Some cops come up, demanding to look in Dolemite's trunk (considering this was a clear violation of his rights, it seems that if Dolemite had so much money he could clearly take this to a higher court through some fancy lawyers. Racist G-men or not). Not surprisingly, when they open it up a bunch of fur coats and cocaine are found and they want to take Dolemite to hit the mainline express to prison-town (don't ask me where I came up with that one). Dolemite, being the bad mofo that he is, let's loose his fury with the ever classic "you're going to have to TAKE ME!!!" What proceeds is one of the most astonishingly bad displays of martial arts that cinema has ever seen. The camera follows the punches from behind our fighters, the punches and kicks don't connect very well and it's all so very sloppy. It truly is quite the display.

The greatest fight scene has to come when Dolemite is accosted by the two racist cops who lay a few punches on him (yes, this actually a different fight than the aforementioned one). Dolemite jump kicks one in the back, this somehow knocks him unconscious. Since the kick hit him dead in his back I can only imagine he hit the ground face first, but that's really putting too much thought into a Dolemite fight scene. The other cop isn't so lucky when he receives some very badly aimed punches followed by a kick to the head that is easily TWO FEET away from ever touching his face, and yet our cop falls to the ground writhing in pain. These two scenes, gathered with a large and very sloppily edited bar brawl are only one of a million reasons you and everyone within your family deserves to see Dolemite and obviously should see Dolemite.

Any movie which makes me take notice of the language is an eye opener to start with. When it involves a very large jiving man who commands an army of hookers trained in martial arts I get excited. Hence we have this piece of work. Dolemite was set up by Mitchell and White (who take their orders from the Mayor, who has a business relationship with Willie Green) on drug and theft charges. When the prison warden notices crime is still skyrocketing he makes Dolemite a deal, clean up the streets and you're a free man. ("Hey boss, we imprisoned this guy, but the crime rate is going up. Obviously he wasn't the problem, guess we should let him out ....") What follows is chaos, crazy fight scenes, gratuitous sex, and some amazingly funny dialog. One of the first things accomplished is getting Dolemite's nightclub back from Willie Green, which is neatly taken care of by a secret compartment full of cash under the floor. (Queen Bee had to give up the club for borrowing money.) Willie is not very happy with losing his cash cow, when he shows up with a small army of henchmen to shut the club down all heck breaks loose. I love the martial arts touch, nobody just throws punches, have you ever seen a girl wearing polyester bell bottoms use Ti Kwan Leep on someone? Good stuff, I assure you. On top of all this you have our title character's wardrobe, any man confident enough to wear those has to be tough.

Tough guy gangster films were a dime a dozen at this point in cinema history. The film is a finely crafted piece of seventies cheese, whether you'll like it is truly based upon your character. If you don't dig it, that doesn't make you a square, but it does mean this type of cinema might not be up your alley. If you do love this seemingly noxious piece of B-cinema, join the club because I can't get it out of my head. Sure, it may seem offensive to the "art" to give such a bad film a four rating, but if you don't have fun while watching this film it's hard for me to sympathize. A classic in the area of B-films, a king amongst slop. I love it adoringly, and as should anyone with a heart.

Labels:

Running of the Jerseyians

A bull was loose on the streets of Newark, New Jersey on November 3. Sources say the bull was finally apprehended after growing weak from lack of oxygen.

Only the strong really do survive in Jersey.

You are what you eat

And given the various speculative theories on what we evolved from, that could be very true.

Open for sale:

One volcanic lot. Perfect fix me up as a starter evil villain secret lair. Act now and we'll throw in a free gas mask for breathing purposes!

Giving comfort to the enemy

We begin this morning with a shocking story out of Atlanta. Divers at the Georgia Aquarium, the country's largest prison for fish, gave a whale shark a physical.

This blog keeps saying it, it's either them or us. Those who aid the enemy in the War on Animals are betraying their cause.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Great moments in law enforcement

Saginaw City Council takes their dress codes VERY seriously.

Sometimes I wish I was a cop. Tasering whomever I please would be the greatest perk of the job.

Theater, safe sex and homeless people: the eternal equation

India-home of major histrionics. It's still lightyears better than "Cats."

The snails are invading!

V is for Vengeance ... for escargot!

I see you over there Sci-Fi Channel, licking your chops.

Labels:

Music no one asked for

Genesis is getting back together. In other news, 50-year old women everywhere are hitting the treadmills in their hopes to regain their "groupie" status they relinquished in the late 1980s.

Yeesh.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Bicker like it's 1989

Now that our really sucky deplorable high-quality server and blogging service are back up and running today:

It's the feud you've waited 18 years for. Wait, that's not really true. The remnants of the Culture Club are mad at Boy George Boy George.

Someone get me a chicken burger now

From now on in China, we shall remember this day, not as a victory over the vile avian species, but as ... B-Day!

Labels:

Popo-oh noes!

If "irreconcilable differences" stands for anything other than Kevin Federline's rap career, I'll be slack-jawed. This blog hopes in the best wishes of Ms. Spears that she now regains her ability to be attractive once more, now that the power of the white wizard is released. But, please, let her be sterile. Her and Federline both.

We need no more of their DNA in the gene pool.

Watch the f--king news, a--hole

The great FCC will permit swearing on news programs.

Get ready for Channel 4's Motherfucking Action News at 6.

Duct tape: worthless

Duct tape is not as useful as it used to be. First, it can't babysit and now they can't even cure warts on Dutch children.

A better question is: why do so many Dutch children have warts? Stay away from Holland, everyone, the children are diseased!

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Election Issue: Cops on drugs

Should our police officers be high? Should Burger King employees/ pranksters serve our police officers marijuana-laden burgers? You decide today, voter.

Key quote: "'It gives a whole new meaning to the word Whopper,' the officers' attorney, Sam Bregman, said Monday."

Hello, enemies!

As unofficial members of Reporters Without Borders (RSF), we would like to welcome our 13 new enemies to our s--tlist:

Saudi Arabia
Belarus
Myanmar
China
North Korea
Cuba
Egypt
Iran
Uzbekistan
Syria
Tunisia
Turkmenistan
Vietnam

So, howdy, and you suck. Especially you, Myanmar.

L.A. judge rules Britney Spears a slut

That's the story. Move along.

Blog nicknames reckless celebrity (first)

Oo! SeriouslyGuys is gonna give a celebrity a nickname! Isn't that exciting?

Ladies, gentlemen and transgendered, allow me to present: Faith Hillander.

You know, like Zoolander? Only real!

Remember, you heard the nickname here first, no matter what The New York Times (those hacks) claim later.

Isn't entertainment news so earth-shatteringly important? We think so.

Head bug related News of the Day

Hey everyone, wanna know another way of effectively dealing with head lice?

Washing your hair, you dirty ape.

Hip-hop world takeover Headline Of the Day

For the most part, it was a good day. Unfortunately, the duke of Iceland was labeled a wanksta', and as such, had to be dealt with accordingly.

And by "accordingly", I mean "copious bullets throughout the body".

Election Day coverage: Doogie Howser is gay

Actor Neil Patrick Harris, best known for his role as Col. Carl Jenkins in Starship Troopers, has acknowledged to the press that he is gay.

This has been your Scurry to [Insert Place Here] update.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Election reminder

Please remember to vote tomorrow in the mid-term elections. If at all possible, vote for the zombie candidates.

They're the candidates with braaaaaaaains.

Labels:

Reason not to date nurses

If you're dating a nurse, doctor or someone involved in the medical field, it night not be a good idea to make them angry. You could end up in a psych ward.

Big DUH Headline of the Day

Seriously.

In other related news, smoking hurts your lungs, being hit by an SUV could kill, and eating a donut may make your heart stop, especially if said donut is the fifty-third eaten in a row.

So, a naked couple runs into a Waffle House ...

... sorry, that's the whole joke.

Stone Cold Genius of the Day

Apparently the requirements for "criminal mastermind" have sadly dipped lower and lower. Why, back in my day, inconspicuous meant looking a bush, not modern art.

And we walked fifteen miles, in the snow, to rob a bank.

The McBournie Minute: Ribbon magnets

They first started appearing in 2004. You would drive around and see a red, white and blue ribbon magnet with "Support Our Troops" or a yellow one with a similar message. It was the beginning of a new trend in automobile fashion.

The problem is, almost no one ever displays them in the proper manner. Most people tilt their ribbon magnets sideways to about 3 o'clock so that the text on the ribbon can more easily be read. Some people even tilt it completely over on its side like a Jesus fish.

People, the curvy part goes at 12 o'clock, the ends go at 6 o'clock. If you can't display it properly, don't display it at all. They look stupid on their sides.

What's worse now is that every single cause out there has their own ribbon magnet. POW, cancer, puppies with diabetes, etc. Buying these things (in most cases) does nothing for the cause it advertises, since they are made by private companies that employ Chinese workers to make them.

You stick them to your car to make people think about how concerned you are about important issues, without actually being concerned. If the cause you advertise is so important to you it would be more about the cause and less about you.

Get your magnets here.

Labels:

Friday, November 03, 2006

MasterChugs Theater: 'The Departed'

There are people who dismiss Martin Scorsese’s non-gangster films. Sometimes it feels like they don’t even acknowledge the existence of movies like or Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore or The Last Temptation of Christ or The Age of Innocence. These people are going to be more entrenched in their beliefs after the release of The Departed, Scorsese’s balls-to-the-wall return to the world of crime. As much as I appreciate the films he has made over the last decade, there is no denying that The Departed is Scorsese’s best film since Goodfellas. It’s just an awesome movie.

This astonishing picture is being heralded as something of a comeback for director Martin Scorsese, whose last two fiction films, 2002's Gangs of New York and 2004's The Aviator, were grandiose, ambitious, and somewhat compromised films. Scorsese's last film proper, however, the Bob Dylan documentary No Direction Home, is one of the finest things the director has ever done. So comeback this is not, really. It is, however, a triumphant revisiting of territory in which Scorsese is an unchallenged master--the crime drama. An Americanized adaptation of Andrew Lau's electrifying Hong Kong thriller Infernal Affairs, The Departed, scripted by William Monaghan, depicts a double game within the Boston mob and the undercover echelons of that city's police. Just as the undercover unit has planted an agent (Gangs and Aviator's DiCaprio, in his best work with Scorsese yet) in the gang of mobsters led by Frank Costello (a ripely dissolute and menacing Nicholson), so has Costello planted one of his own (a disarming Damon) inside the department.

As each mole's machinations are mooted by the other's, they, Costello, and DiCaprio's putative protectors within the department find themselves caught up in an increasingly tense and brutal chess match. Making matters worse is that the "rats" on each side have found themselves in love with the same woman.

On-screen talent pools don't get much deeper than this one, with A-list actors like Martin Sheen, Mark Wahlberg, and Alec Baldwin accepting supporting roles. Leonardo DiCaprio and Matt Damon prove two crucial things: they are not interchangeable and, when pushed by someone who can direct actors, they can give riveting performances. DiCaprio has displayed growth in each of his appearances for Scorsese, and this is by far the best work he has done in his career. Jack Nicholson is in top form, providing a diabolical villain who can deliver a monologue with unparalleled verve. His part is showy enough that it will be virtually impossible for him to be ignored at Oscar time. Up-and-coming actress Vera Farmiga and British tough guy Ray Winstone round out a cast that, if not perfect, is close to it.

People like to talk about Martin Scorsese in the past tense. Yet here is a man demanding to be discussed in modern terms: his Gangs of New York, The Aviator, and now his newest work, The Departed, make up a string of masterworks. Add in his recent documentary fare (The Blues, Bob Dylan: No Direction Home), and you have an artist who, like his fellow filmmakers Clint Eastwood and Steven Spielberg, is smack dab in the middle of a career renaissance, delivering what will most certainly be remembered as some of the very best work of a most important career.

The Departed is a perfect example of why remakes shouldn't be dismissed out of hand. Scorsese and screenwriter William Monahan have taken a thoroughly foreign film and re-imagined it as an American epic tragedy. The original film was gritty and entertaining; the new version is a masterpiece--the best effort Scorsese has brought to the screen since Goodfellas (ending a decade-long drought of disappointments and near-misses). In making the film, Scorsese has retained the essential plot structure of Infernal Affairs but has transformed the movie into something truly his own. Characters are better defined and situations are given an opportunity to breathe. None of this is done at the cost of pacing; The Departed is as suspenseful as anything the director has previously achieved. This movie deserves mention alongside Scorsese's most celebrated movies: Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, Goodfellas, and The Age of Innocence.

Labels:

Great moments in police work

Kids these days, they're starting lives of crime at younger and younger ages.

He's got nothing to hide

A man in California is arrested for carrying a concealed weapon ... while he was naked. That's correct ... use your imagination.

Or better yet, just read the byline, as the paper reveals the mystery altogether. Jerks.

Breaking, entering and other -ing verbs

A Florida teenager was arrested after breaking into a home and racking up $260 in DirectTV porn charges. You know, most people steal jewelry or something, but this blog understands that the urge is tough to fight, especially for a sixteen-year old. The big question, though, is does this criminal act make him really awesome among his peers at school, or actually rather sad because of the after-effects of said crime?

Beware the ires of the family rodentia

Far back in December of 2005, Russian squirrels attacked and killed a dog. Now, they're back, and this time, they're overseas.

Let the Southwest have fire ants. Here on the east coast, we've got killer squirrels.

Labels:

Sign of the apocalypse

There's nothing quite like starting off your morning to read what could be the worse news possible. It's Billy Ray Cyrus' seed, come back to haunt us.

Damn you, Billy Ray, we thought we vanquished you 15 years ago!

Thursday, November 02, 2006

School violence brought to a new level

A few years ago, a U.S. Air Force F-16 accidentally shot an elementary school in New Jersey. Now the school is getting $519,070 in compensation.

It was reported one Air Force pilot told the offending pilot, "You're everyone's problem. That's because every time you go up in the air, you're unsafe. I don't like you because you're dangerous."

Headline of the Day At This Point

Use #12,853 of duct tape: Care for and monitor your children while you go to work.

This blog much prefers using scotch tape for such a task. It's transparent, so your kids can see through it more easily while bound together, and when you take it off, there's no sticky stuff left over to scrape off of the children.

Alcoholics of the world, continue to rejoice!

First it was beer, and now, the infamous "red wine molecule" makes you live longer. What next, drinking straight moonshine won't make you go blind?

Once again, if a doctor professor said so, then it must be true.

What was your Halloween costume?

A fairy? A princess? A swan? A pimp? How about a naked jogger with a pumpkin for a head? (WARNING-Picture in article is probably Not Safe For Work)

Reading saves lives

If you can read this, you should be glad, because that means you probably won't kill yourself. So quit making out with that shotgun.

Then again, if you are reading SG before you kill yourself, that is some great press for us.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Want to know what China really likes to read about?

It's K-Fed, baby. Old McK-Fed wants a farm, e-i-e-i-o.

War on animals: Mirrors of mass destruction

A study at the Bronx Zoo (motto: Please Don't Shoot The Animals) shows that elephants may be aware of themselves. These things can outrun us and weigh over a ton.

Folks, if there is a single greatest threat against humanity, it has to be self-aware elephants.

Labels:

The tyranny is over!

Let the oppression of white racism be removed now and forever more!

Curb your sexy drinking habits, youngster

The mayor of Edmond, Oklahoma, wants to stop underage drinking. Her plan? Hand out fliers that give a number. Fliers that incidentally enough instruct youngsters to call a phone sex number instead.

At $2.99 per minute, at least they won't have enough money left over for beer.

You can stop hiding now

Good news: they found the cause of SIDS. We're off the hook ... for now.

Prison: great atmosphere, bar scene

Most people try to avoid prison. Many who are in prison try to break out--probably something about the gang rapes in the showers and the threat of getting stabbed with a shank. But then, there is at least one person who wants to break in. Why?

For the booze.
Mmmm, toilet wine!