Electronic seagoing vessel news of the day

Yarrgh! They may not be sailing the blue oceans, but they still continue to do battle with the scurvy land-lubbers known as Microsoft.

Internet: serious crime

In an age of drugs, murder, extortion, embezzlement, and prostitution, where's crime located in China? Internet cafes. The Triad has officially become lame.

Won't somebody think of the children?

Alcoholics of the world, rejoice!

Soon, you too shall be able to live full and healthy lives yet again. Three cheers for disposable organs!

Headline of the Day At This Point

Really, it's self explanitory.

They think they found Blackbeard's ship, the Queen Anne's Revenge and they are planning on excavating it. Who are "they?" Most likely other pirates.

Holy s--t, Batman

Hey! Everyone! Come to Miami! We're playing with poop!

I guess real animals are considered too dangerous for exhibits now.

St. Louis update

Did you think we were kidding about St. Louis and violence? This town's so tough that when you ask for Jesus, the police arrange a meeting for you.

This story is also in the running for Most Direct Headline of the Day.

Tip for the residents of St. Louis

Sure, you may have just won the World Series, but it might be time to considering moving elsewhere in the country.

In other news, there's a town called Brick?

The rise and fall of international business in the U.S.

Condom factories in the Alabama fight to stay alive even with foreign aid and a lot of pork. No, not as in porking, but as in pork barrel politics, but this blog guesses that the world will never run out of either one.

In Soviet Russia, Halloween celebrates you!

Clearly, it's a bad case of fundamentalists poisoning the town vodka supply.

As such, this blog recommends that the Russians drink more. A lot more.

The McBournie Minute: Hot dog eating

Note: The McBournie Minute is a new weekly feature appearing Mondays.

Yesterday I was spending my Sunday afternoon doing exactly what every guy enjoys doing: shopping at Macy's with the girlfriend.

One of the cleverest things about Macy's is they have TVs outside the changing rooms on ESPN. They know guys are going to be waiting out there and want to keep then entertained. The entertainment I had for the afternoon was a re-run of the 2006 Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest.

These guys eat hot dogs for 12 minutes. One guy was wearing Ultimate Warrior-esque face paint. It was sponsored by Alka-Seltzer. Awesome.

I watched as American Joey "Jaws" Chestnut took on eight-time champ Takeru Kobayashi, who is Japanese. The crowd roared as Chestnut and Kobayashi went back and forth, one pulling ahead, then the other. I secretly cheered for Chestnut.

I was amazed more than anything about the fans of this sport. Aside from the fact that it's a sport at all. There are leagues for this kind of thing. The contest was followed by another contest involving hamburgers, followed, of course, by figure skating.

Check out the hot dog eating contest.

MasterChugs Theater: 'Halloween'

Halloween set the formula for almost every slasher movie that followed it, from Friday the 13th to A Nightmare on Elm Street to I Know What You Did Last Summer. On that last particular note, I’m not sure whether to praise it or condemn it, but regardless; it’s still the best of the bunch. Shot for a mere $300,000, it definitely has a small-budget look and feel to it, but that’s also part of its charm, I suppose. Want to know another thing that it has going for it? The title of being one of the two greatest slasher movies of all time.
Halloween starts off in 1963, where a young boy named Michael Myers walks up to his sister’s room and stabs her to death for reasons unknown. Off he goes to a mental institution, where he spends the next 15 years, until he manages to escape and heads back into his old stomping grounds. With a Halloween mask on, he sets about terrorizing several teenage girls of the town, and with the bodies piling up, it’s up to his doctor, Sam Loomis, to try to bring him down.

With its almost blood-free frights, gutsy heroine, and peerless score, Halloween became the gold standard for the late 1970s-1980s teen slasher cycle (as Scream cheekily acknowledged in 1996). Taking full advantage of the widescreen frame (and offscreen space), John Carpenter builds tension through the constant suggestion that something terrible lurks just out of Laurie's and the audience's view, whether it's behind a bush or in a passing car. Carpenter also shifts to the killer's point of view, leaving the audience with only the sight of the unaware victim and the sound of Michael's breathing. Evoking Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho and Vertigo, as well as Howard Hawks's original The Thing From Another World, Carpenter and co-writer/producer Debra Hill render Myers an inhuman force that paradoxically points up the psycho-sexual anxieties under the surface of small-town life, especially in the wake of the late 60s-early 70s sexual revolution.

What is the recipe for the perfect horror movie? Add in one perfect killer, mix together some wonderful actors, and add in a touch of the perfect musical score. Without the score, Halloween wouldn't be the classic it is. Many have noted that if you try watching Halloween without the score, it's a completely difference experience. Truer words were never spoken. Without the score, the mood and environment disappear. The marvelous score created by John Carpenter creates tension, fear, and keeps you on the edge of your seat. It is absolutely brilliant and may quite possibly be the best musical score ever created.

Halloween is a pure classic in every sense of the word. For horror fans, it's our Gone With The Wind, our Casablanca, our Citizen Kane. It brings respect to a genre that is all too often disrespected. Halloween has suffered the same criticism as The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, with many claiming it is far too graphic. Nothing could be further from the truth. Inspired in part by Hitchcock's Psycho (amongst many others), John Carpenter's Halloween has, at least for a horror film, light violence and little gore. As Carpenter and many other great horror directors have noted: "Sometimes what you don't see can scare you even more than what you do see!" You can't get much better than this movie.

Old people can hurt you

Geriatrics just might be the world's new superheroes. A 68-year old Nebraska man beat up two whipper snappers trying to who tried to rob him.

Think twice before making fun of Grandpa.

Cheney shooting off again

OMG, Cheney totally went there!

We intercepted a phone call from Karl Rove to the vice-president shortly after the remarks. NSA has their wiretaps; we have ours.

ROVE: Dude. Exnay on the urturetay. Seriously. You're old and dying, but there are other Republican candidates running for office in 2008.

CHENEY: Go #&@% yourself.

ROVE: I'm just sayin'.

Geriatric gyrations

I don't care if it'll bring dead unicorns back to life-there is not a cause good enough on the planet that justifies 70 year old men stripping.

I mean, won't someone think of the Chippendales' dancers?

Can't touch this

My, my, my, my muscles hit me so hard
Makes me say oh my Lord
Thank you for blessing me
With a desire that's weird and two hyped feet
Feels good when you know you're a fool
A superbowl homeboy from Liverpool
And I'm known as such
And these are muscles that you can't touch

Birdwatch: 2006

Those dastardly birds are after us again! Say no to cloning, otherwise we might be in for this. I mean, seriously, did you see that picture? And they're calling it a freaking "terror bird". Terror bird. That doesn't exactly make you think of something warm, cuddly, and soft like a marshmallow.

Ahem. So in conclusion, we can't let this monster be brought about again upon the world, because if we do, the terror birds win.

You're only as old as your fist

Remember kids, there's nothing wrong with being beaten up by a girl. There is, however, a world of lameness when being beaten up by an unarmed 68-year old man and you've got a weapon.

(story courtesy of Jocelyn Franklin)

Garlic + sunlight = an odor that you wouldn't believe

You know, I wish this math was taught to me in high school. I might've actually stayed awake then. Or used it to create an algorithm for werewolves.

Remember, just like we said in previous stories: if a doctor says so, then it must be true.

First of many Trials of the Century

This trial should be more annoying than when Clinton asked the court to define "is."

Other expected defense methods include:

1) The I'm Not Touching You draw.
2) "Stop it!" "Stop it." "I mean it!" "I mean it." "You're a jerk!" "You're a jerk."
3) Celebrity guest witness Charo.
4) Badgering the witnesses ... with a real badger.

If you give a maus an army ...

Jeez, didn't these guys learn anything in 1945?

Nip/pluck

For those who are tired of pumping themselves with saline, botox and hairplugs, it's time for eyelash transplants.

Question: What would that even do? And what is next, transplanting hair in the nether region?

The Kazakh Bankh

Kazakhstan has been getting a lot of grief for the new movie "Borat" coming out soon. It seems like its justified.

Recently, it was discovered 80% of new Kazakh currency misspelled the word "bank."

I've got your whistle right here

It's about time for another What Would You Choose? The game that puts you in the SG world.

Your son is playing a football game with other 6- and 7-year olds. You become concerned that your son isn't getting enough time on the field. What course of action would you choose?

A) Tell your son he will surely get more game time in the next game.
B) Calmly express your concerns to the coach away from the children and ask him to give your son more time.
C) Yell at the coach face to face about the issue. After all, it's his fault that your kid isn't playing in the game isn't it? When the coach doesn't respond the way you want him to, you pull a gun on him.

The answer in this game is always C. People always listen to you a lot better when you have a gun in your hands.

Lifestyles of the Dead and Famous

Finally, proof that to make a ton of money (posthumously), all you need to do is blow away the upper portion of your face with a shotgun. Or have your loony wife/girlfriend/significant other do so. Brilliant!

Sex, lies, and politics-comptroller style

The real question to be asked isn't about whether writing a steamy romance novel should disqualify you from being state comptroller, but what exactly does a state comptroller do other than wear a big sash?

Inspiring Story of the Day

You can find love just about anywhere. You can even find it in an Ivory Coast jail.

So, do they get put in the same cell, or do they have to wait for conjugal visits?

Men of the world, rejoice!

Eat, drink, be merry ... and live longer!

Remember: if a doctor said so, then it must be true.

Blue is the new red

In our continuing effort to provide to you, our readers, more information pertaining to a hippie commune dedicated to both destroying the works of "The Man" and living off "The Man", we give you another sign of your childhood being pilfered before your eyes: Communism is smurfalicious.

Clearly, Smurfette was for but the good of "the state."

Killer party, man!

SeriouslyGuys is written by current and former college students who have extensive backgrounds in parties, party hosting and partying. Most of us graduated with minors in alcohol.

That is why this blog applauds the innovators of a party in New Milford, Connecticut, who took things to a whole new level with tossing a beer keg on an open fire.

We-told-you-so of the Day

See what happens when you chat on the phone like a chick for too long?

In fact, women have been talking on the phone so long that they don't have a drop of sperm in them (well, unless donated).

Say goodbye to your manimals.

Wuss.

Ir-ony-land

Bulgarish need not apply.

Nicole Kidman sucks at wifedom

First she made Tom Cruise pretend he's not gay.

Now she's after Keith Urban's drinking.

Gentlemen, Nicole Kidman is that girl your mom hopes you bring home. If you ever have the opportunity, throw her back.

Reading just might kill you

In Cohasset, Massachusetts a black python found its was into a local library to catch up on its reading. Talk about a book worm.

OK, I'll admit it. That one was bad. Sorry everyone.

In any case, it's still SNAKES IN A LIBRARY!

Robbery, extortion and corporate highjacking

Just another day at Coca-Cola Co., right?

Dance your cares away

Do you feel like its been far too long since you've seen the Doozers? It just might be time to head back to Fraggle Rock.

Like nearly all TV series 15 years old or older, it's being made into a movie. We're sure to see Fresh Prince of Bel-Air coming to the big screen by 2008.

Hard-hitting music

Tip for music fans: DO NOT make any attempt to show Wilco your appreciation of their music. You just may find yourself getting decked.

Check out the video link at the bottom of the story, too.

(Via Adam Harris)

Webster's Headline of the Day

There are a number of reasons behind why he could have been confused. Perhaps adoption means something in his country. For all we know, the syllable count difference in "adoption" and "appropriate" could be less than two. The only thing that we do know is that we clearly need a true individual who knows the exact definitions of words.

Gay's Anatomy

T.R. Knight, the guy who plays George on Grey's Anatomy, came out of the closet recently. That certainly explains why he let Callie get away from him and why he was obsessed over Meredith for roughly two years.

Oh, and what about Christina covering for Burke's bad arm? How long do you think they can keep that up? What about the whole McDreamy-Finn-Meredith thing? When is that girl going to realize that--

--Not that this blog watches that show or anything.

MasterChugs Theater: "Hellraiser"

Frank Cotton is a jaded individual. Having perused the world over, he visits a Middle Eastern cafe to meet his contact who agrees to sell him a very particular kind of box. Returning to his family home, he sets up a makeshift camp in one upstairs room and sets about solving the riddle of the box, which eventually opens to let him experience the very limits of pain through supernatural means. Not long after, Frank's brother Larry arrives to stay at the house with his second wife Julia, but she's not keen until she finds evidence of Frank's presence - she previously had an affair with him, and her marriage is leaving her feeling claustrophobic. What she doesn't know is that Frank will soon be returning to her life in a big way...and the end results of that will be messy, to say the least.

Written by the director Clive Barker, and based on his novella, Hellraiser felt as if something fresh had arrived on the tired horror scene of the eighties with its deadly serious approach and elaborate special effects which served the story rather than the other way around. But seeing it now, it's clear it was still part of the horror cycle it once appeared to have broken away from: its effects represent a showcase for talented makeup personnel with a flair for gore, it features a young, female heroine who could have easily walked off the set of any Nightmare on Elm Street or Friday the 13th installment, and it has a cunning villain - or in this case, set of villains - who started a franchise.

Having said that, Hellraiser still works well and is all the better for taking its terror with a grim state of mind. The best character for evil is the wicked stepmother, with the excellent Clare Higgins as an icy presence whose remarkably compliant entry into the world of corruption and depravity is more chilling than the actors heaving under the weight of their rubber appliances and leather costumes. When Larry cuts his hand on a nail while helping the removal men, he goes upstairs to find Julia in Frank's room, spilling blood as he does so. When they leave to get to a hospital, the blood causes what's left of Frank to be reborn in a superb sequence, and the trouble resumes. Desperate to reform himself bodily (if not morally) with more blood, the skeletal Frank enlists the help of Julia, with whom he had once had a passionate affair, and she is soon enticing strangers into the house for him to suck dry. Yet when Frank's attention is attracted by Larry's pretty daughter Kirsty, she is forced to cut a dangerous deal with the infernal Cenobites, once-human guardians who want their escaped ward back and will raise hell to get him.

A major aspect which springs to mind with Hellraiser is the paradoxes throughout the flick, the complete opposites presented side by side in artistic fashion. For instance, when Kirsty is in the hospital take note of the blooming rose on the TV. All the peace, harmony and safety is abolished in the blink of an eye. The visuals are so extremely seperate in every way, but placed together to reinforce and affect Such a beautiful image, impressive, spectacular, it really caught my eye. Then the sudden jump to the awful surroundings of hell, the immediate danger, the big beast in pursuit of Kirsty and the Cenobites themselves: abominations of everything being.the viewer. As said, the flower was there for the drastic change of imagery; from blooming, beautiful flower to the depths of hell and immediate danger. That image, even presented in text form, is something to behold, let alone on the screen with color and visuals in all their glory.

Full of images that instantly entered the nightmares of the collective unconscious - the puzzle box that opens a path to eternally exquisite torment, Frank's body rebuilding itself sinew by bloody sinew, and the Cenobites themselves with their radically pierced and surgically altered bodies (including their iconic and eloquent leader, who would be dubbed 'Pinhead' in the film's many sequels) - Hellraiser is a horror film not to be missed, even if some may find the exotic pleasures which it offers to be cruel torture.

Scurry to Capitol Hill

When you're a Vietnamese immigrant who is running for the U.S. House of Representatives in California, it may not be the best idea to send letters to immigrants telling them if they vote they will be arrested.

But hey, that's just an outsider's point of view.

One fish, two fish

Red fish, blue fish ... oh, and now human fish. I personally never really thought that Ricou Browning or Ben Chapman were all that human, anyway.

You never saw it going

Thieves somehow swiped a $12,000, 50-pound bronze statue of a nude woman from an art gallery—in broad daylight. Honestly, a naked bronze woman wandering around Florida just isn't that unusual.

Don't worry too much though, people of modesty and humility-the statue was apparently "rolled out on a trail of t-shirts". Clearly, not only were the thieves crafty as can be, able to make large objects turn invisible at a moment's notice, but they also appear to work for standards and practices.

Misleading Headline of the Day

Prisoners keeps coming up with more and more creative ways to escape jail. This guy's method probably also doubled as a rape deterrent.

Good luck getting that out of your head for the day.

Optimistic attitude toward Russia-Headline of the Day

It's always so nice to see the attitude that foreign socialites have toward the Russian space program.

Boom-boom, go shake the room

The origin of the universe gives new meaning to the term "bumping uglies." Personally, I don't believe it, as we all know how the universe truly was created.

The age old question answered

Just how exactly can those pants make her butt look big if she's invisible?

They can't. Especially if by she, I mean a Hot Pocket.

'Don't Stand So Close To' the cranky old man

To paraphrase the rockstar turned old-timer:

In my day, rock music went places. When I was in The Police, we had to walk 20 miles uphill both ways--in the snow, mind you--to sing about stalking women. Today's kids are boring, and so is rock music! Gimme John Dowland and the 'lizabethan lute, any day of the week!

Andy Rooney could not be reached for comment. To be fair, we called around naptime.

Stingrays strike back

They started the war with the assassination of Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin, then people started exacting their revenge for the senseless killing. Now, it seems the battle has reached our shores.

A stingray off the coast of Florida leapt into a boat and stabbed a 81-year old man in the heart with a poisonous barb. Luckily, the veteran of the war on stingrays and other animals has survived.

You can't tell this blog that attack wasn't premeditated.

Human lightning rod

If you think you've had a bad day, here's a story to cheer you up: a 27-year old Croatian woman was struck by lightning in her mouth. It gets worse.

The lightning exited out her butt. It gets worse.

She was indoors, brushing her teeth.

In other news, this blog has decided dental hygiene is not as important as most people think.

Finish him!

And while you're at it, tell me how many syllables are in the word "fatality." The last time that I played an educational video game was Mario is Missing.

Not only was it ugly, I didn't learn a thing except that Mario doesn't know how to simply stay put in one place when he's kidnapped.

Nevada: three letters away from 'Canada'

The state of Nevada is long known for its conservative ways. It has been known as the Mormon capital of the world, a land where large families and polygamy run rampant. Wait--I'm sorry, I was looking at the wrong state. That's Utah.

The state of Nevada is long known for its frivilous ways. It has been known as the sin capital of the country, if not the world. Gambling, boozing and prostituting are all commonplace across the state. Now they might just allow shops to sell marijuana.

Hippies will finally have a home.

Nude literacy news of the day

After finding out about a nude photo inside a weekly newspaper, a supermarket in Maine pulls the paper from its shelves, which is only slightly more mature than stealing every copy of a student newspaper for the same reason. This blog can't be concerned with naughty newspapers in grocery stores as we're usually too preoccupied with laughing while in the produce aisle.

Congress loves black people

U.S. House Minority Whip Steny Hoyer, a Maryland Democrat, said Maryland Lt. Gov. Michael Steele had "slavishly" supported the Republican Party. Hoyer said it was a slip of the tongue later on, and added the Jews made him do it and they are the ones who cause all the wars.

This makes the second inventive racial slur created this year, the first being "macaca."

Dangerous line of work

Pimpin' may not be easy, but it seems rappin' is up there as well. Rapper Fabolous was shot in the thigh last night in New York City. Police have named Jack Bauer as a suspect. Fabolous was charged with several counts of intentional bad spelling.

Rappers seem to keep getting shot these days. From Tupac and Notorious B.I.G. to Jam Master Jay, Proof and of course 50 Cent. This blog believes 50 Cent has always had it coming to him, because he tells people in his songs that they can find him in places like clubs and candyshops.

Then again, more journalists get killed annually than rappers. Represent.

Disney trims fat

When you don't make good movies anymore, you can just fall back on your merchandise.

Stop eating so much!

And while you're at it, get a haircut!

Leave it to the Australians, who we normally group with the New Zealanders as crazy, to point out the mental instabilities of the U.S. scientists, all thanks to crackpot theories.

Sometimes, we must all listen to The Clash

After all, even businesses can "fight the law, but the law won." No matter how lopsided or abnormal the story may be.

Meteor hits Kansas

Creating yet another hole in Kansas is the best situation we could hope for. It could be much worse ... we could end up in an Omega Man situation ... or even much worse. If that rock had hit somewhere in Washington, D.C., we might actually be subjected to horrors again!

The Disney movie you won't see in theaters

Ever wonder why Mickey and Minnie Mouse are so happy? Employees at Disneyland Paris have offered their theory in a digital (and viral) video showing two dressed as the characters simulating sex.

Thus creating a whole new category of reasons to fire employees.

Attention fatties of the world

The French think you're a bunch of dummies. It's time to start a new riot over there. They've had ones over Muslim dress, unemployment, and now it's time for a new one-hate toward anorexically-challenged people!

Attention rats

Go to Mars! At least you won't have to deal with the special (specist?) problems and lack of sobriety that this planet tends to have toward your kind.

Headline of the Day At This Point

Those dirty hippy businessmen at Apple have come up with a new biological weapon--a new type of AIDS.

Electronic AIDS.

Lobster activists rejoice

Bubba the lobster is free once again.

A nearly eight-pound lobster who was sitting in a tank ready to be somebody's dinner and a half is now free again off the coast of Maine. Because no one catches lobsters there.

MasterChugs Theater: 'High Tension'

The latest horror film to come from France, Alexandre Aja's '70s-inspired slash-fest, High Tension (or Haute Tension, depending on if you speak French or not) was clearly born from grisly, though esteemed, influences. You'll see Halloween, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Last House on the Left, and even Duel in this suspenseful blood feast. And for those of us who appreciate such things, you'll really feel the grindhouse exploitation factor more so than in many U.S. Chainsaw Massacre knock-offs. High Tension is incredibly gory, disturbing, and at times, sickly scary. And to place it firmly in the tradition of 70s drive-in fare, it's dubbed (and subbed on the DVD).

With a story that's almost too simple (but totally needed for this kind of movie), High Tension takes two female friends/law students Marie (Cécile de France) and Alex (Maïwenn Le Besco) as they take a trip to Alex's parents farmhouse in the desolate French countryside. On their very first night, the young women endure a horror that's almost incomprehensible--a deranged psychopath breaks into the house and, one by one, kills the entire family. The picture doesn't miss one bloody beat; we witness decapitations, a throat slashing, and a shooting (of a little boy, no less). The crazy man binds the terrified Alex and takes her hostage in his creepy-stalker-pedophile van. Meanwhile, Marie, who's managed to escape the killer's detection, sneaks into the van with her friend in an attempt to save her. The film follows Marie's pursuit with the killer--from her taking a gas station attendant's muscle car to a grotesque show-down in the woods.

The film is wonderfully shot, effectively dark, and interestingly acted (even while dubbed). It may be hard for teens of today to realize that once upon a time horror movies were not feel-good rollercoaster rides of thrills. There was a time when horror films were just as nasty as the killers and monsters they were about--small, grimy films that were looking to put the audience through as much pain and terror as the characters in the film itself. High Tension is a throwback to exactly that kind of nasty, mean and unrelenting movie. The direct fathers of High Tension aren’t The Ring or Boogeyman– they’re The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and I Spit on Your Grave.

There isn't a single new idea in Aja's flick, and that is exactly how it should be. High Tension isn't looking to reinvent the genre but to celebrate it. After all, why tinker with a successful formula? The result is a distilled version of what a good horror flick is supposed to be, and at 85 short minutes, High Tension packs a sharply focused punch, like the quick stab of a razorblade to the jugular. Yes, the "twist ending" does suck ... it is a bit of a letdown given the entire movie itself; however, don't worry your heads about it. The emphasis is definitely on "bit." At that point in the movie, the film has built up so much momentum and had been so great (and to be fair, delivered more great gore even after this reveal) that most people should be willing to forgive it.

For some people, the films that recall their childhood are full of stupid adventure and action beats, with wry heroes and laser guns. For me, the movies that evoke falling in love with movies are full of splattering entrails and abject sociopathy towards the characters and the audience (despite my irrational fear of Jason Vorhees and Freddy Krueger coming up through toilets to snatch me as a wee Chuglet). I’m happy to say that High Tension is one of those movies, and I absolutely loved it.

First Christmas-related story of the season

It gets earlier every year. We at SeriouslyGuys know we're still weeks away from Halloween, and acknowledge that everyone hates it when the holiday season gets kicked off early by retailers.

That's why we're here to hit them with a pre-emptive strike: Granny and her terrorist fruitcakes in the mail.

To be fair, mass mailings of fruitcake can be considered a terrorist act. No one likes that stuff anyway.

YOU'VE GOTTA FIGHT!

FOR YOUR RIGHT! TO GO TOPPPPPP-LESS!

That means that tons of websites across the internet are full of political activists. And some of those websites are full of really political activists. It makes perfect sense now.

The war on terror becomes the international war on drugs

Canada, watch out! Those aren't giant marijuana plants, those are actually triffids! At least, they will be once you burn them. Go ahead. Try it out.

Actually, "Canada versus the Giant Weed Plants" makes an awesome Sci-Fi Channel movie title. Hey, it can't be any worse than "Boa vs. Python."

Big, black, and beautiful

I'm just talking about ridiculously oversized jeans. It almost makes one wonder MC Hammer might have a career in thievery in front of him.

By the way, does anyone know how to properly pronounce the Riverdale police detective's last name?

Fun place to live

Think your city is fun? You might want to try moving to New Delhi, where monkeys harass locals constantly. The monkeys have gotten so bad, the Indian Supreme Court has ordered for 300 monkeys to be caught in the city and relocated elsewhere.

The war on animals continues, even if India is coddling them.

Entirely Reasonable Argument of the Day

Politics aside, Congress' torts against partisan attacks are getting worse and worse.

When they start bringing up the XYZ affair or the Teapot Dome scandal, they will have officially hit bottom.

Our lives depend on a planet's sobriety

Wobbling? Extinctions?

The earth is soooooooooooooo drunk. Dude!

Big DUH Headline of the Day

Of course it wouldn't work. Everyone knows that heroin is the perfect compliment to alcohol.

I mean, DUH.

Lettuce end our concerns

Fear not anymore--it would seem that lettuce from California is ok to eat.

However, this blog will not stand for brussel sprouts and asparagus. Child-like readers of SeriouslyGuys (or kids that have stumbled upon our blog), rise up against your parental dominators and refuse to eat the accursed duo until they're cleared to eat as well!

Washed-up Headline of the Day

David Bowie's life isn't as exciting as it once was. He used to parade around as Ziggy Stardust, coked up and androgynous and bisexual. Thirty-some-odd years later, things aren't really the same.

It wouldn't kill you to miss the game

One of the greatest things about being a guy is being able to prioritize. We don't have any problem in choosing between things like, let's say pressing matters like the big game and a medical emergency.

The game's not that long, right?

Witch Watch: Milwaukee

Our ongoing coverage of the growing threat posed by witch doctors continues. An illegal Columbian immigrant, who just might be the only minority in Milwaukee, is being charged with theft after fraudulently claiming to be a witch doctor.

Witch doctors: not only are their medical practices questionable, they are also after your money.

Wisconsin, this is your candidate for secretary of state

We'll let the jokes write itself for this story, but because we're habitual offenders, I'd just like to throw in a few NFL related words: Bill Parcells, cheeseheads, Oakland Raiders and Warren Moon.

Thank you.

Keep your voice to yourself!

Being truly l33t means having mad c0urt r00m skillz ... n00b.

Or, y'know, taking destitute victims to court.

Headline of the Year candidate

VINDICATION.

Four-year olds: the new terrorists

We have all heard about the federal no-fly list. Everyone knows that it sends up a flag when a person boards a plane who is deemed a threat to that aircraft. Every now and then it is used, usually in a mix-up.

But this time, it saved the passengers on one plane from a really annoying kid on their flight.

A sobering fact, indeed

The no-drinkniks of college surveys are trying to scare America once again. According to researchers, 20 percent of freshman males have ten drinks at a time at least once in a two-week period.

That number sounds a bit low. That means that only 20 percent of college males are going to two parties per month. When I was in school, those college males were the losers. Anyone who didn't drink that much three times in a week was being anti-social. I agree with the headline, it is a "frightening trend," but that is only because it is frightening that I still drink more than college students.

See you at the bar, nancies.

(Courtesy of Chris Brooks)

We want pre-pre-nup

What's worse than a nationwide story about your bride-to-be running off and cancelling the wedding? Having her, after the story has died down and nearly everyone has forgotten about it, sue you for $500,000.

Does his count as another 15 minutes of fame? Is everyone going to get their half hour of frame now? This blog thinks it's entitled to a good hour or two, if that's the case.

Ostracized planet news of the day

The numbers may have swelled, but Pluto still knows what it's like when doves cry. Just not on their surface, because then they'd be Dove bars.

No, I don't mean those.

Chicago's age old question remains

Which would you rather have--alcohol or full frontal nudity? BECAUSE YOU CAN'T HAVE BOTH, PEOPLE!

Attention fans of the 'Bruce Almighty' sequel

Perhaps not even God himself can save this one. "Evan Almighty," the sequel to "Bruce Almighty," is incredibly over budget. That, and it looks kind of lame anyway. They're worried that the movie will now get so much negative press that it will bomb when it eventually comes out.

We're not ones to give anyone bad press, even the dung-filled movies.

Welcome

We have finally arrived at SeriouslyGuys.com. That wasn't so difficult, was it?

Attention British Policeman Constabulatories

Put out an APB for a man dressed in a Muslim woman's clothing. Last seen looking completely incognito since he was in a burka.

And this time, don't arrest Mrs. Doubtfire or Tootsie by accident!

Slow News Day Story of the Day

Kids apparently need to play. Make sure you tell every parent you know.

This has been an SG public service announcement.

All your green are belong to us

First it was your fresh spinach. Now it's lettuce! Pretty soon, it'll be issues of The Incredible Hulk!

I think we all know what this really means-the beef industry of America is trying to create a new civil war with vegans across the nation. Remember, you heard it first at SeriouslyGuys!

Europe news, part deux

Those crazy Europeans. If they're not trying to ban smoking, then they're celebrating their openness to nudity by covering their unmentionables in their campaign posters. Bet you won't see Hillary Clinton do that. She's got modesty.

I'm pretty sure it's also prevented by the Geneva Convention as well.

Le smoking ban

France is going to ban smoking in restaurants, hotels, bars and night clubs in February. Anyone who has been to France can predict they are going to be up in arms over this new law.

Here come the riots in Paris again.

MasterChugs Theater: "Shaun of the Dead"

There’s some weird component in us all that makes us wonder how we would deal with the apocalypse. Would we be people of action, stepping up in the moment when we are most needed, or would we be cowering simps, hiding until the worst of it is over? The titular hero of Shaun of the Dead prefers to gather some friends (or acquaintinces) and head over to the pub for a drink in the midst of a gigantic zombie rampage, hoping for said rampage to be over by the time that they're sufficiently smashed to deal with it. Genius!

Shaun, played skillfully by Simon Pegg, is a 29-year-old English slacker whose girlfriend has just dumped him and whose best friend has been mooching on his couch for the last five years. Suddenly he finds himself in the midst of an outbreak of zombie madness, and as they sometimes say, “hilarity ensues.” Now, the description could just end there, and most people would assume it's the Airplane! equivalent of a zombie-which it's not. Shaun of the Dead is the forebearer of an entirely new genre-the zomromcom. It's, essentially, a romantic comedy that just happens to have zombies in it. And lots of them.

The difference between most people in a zombie apocalypse and Shaun? Rather than stay hole up in his flat—Shaun fears for the safety of his sweet, very British mother and his ex-girlfriend—he grabs his cricket bat and sets out to rescue his loved ones, all the while warding off zombies. Even his smug stepfather must be saved, as much as Shaun wants to leave the guy (particularly since he's been bitten).

It’s evident, quite early, on that the filmmakers have nothing but respect for the zombie film, especially the seminal and genre-defining works of George Romero (how many filmmakers, by the way, can be credited with actually inventing a brand new kind of movie monster with the staying power that Romero’s undead have?). There’s music from the original Dawn of the Dead playing over the opening company credits, and homages – not parodies – to the films are peppered liberally throughout. When Shaun's best friend Ed (played by Nick Frost) shouts into the phone, “We’re coming to get you, Barbara! (Shaun's mother)” it’s purely a moment for the people who love their horror movies (and FYI, that's a purely classic line from the original Night of the Living Dead). And the zombies are never played as anything other than a source of menace; at least no less than Romero himself does (by Dawn, he had realized that the slow and shambling corpses were not much of a threat as single enemies, but it’s the way that the heroes can let their guard around them, and have the zombies assimilate into the environment, that helps lend the undead their resonant metaphoric power). The comedy comes from the people and the situations, not from the zombies acting silly.

Hype is a monster, plain and simple. It steals the excitement of discovery, it clearcuts reality so that the movie can’t reach your expectations. I ended up hyping this movie to near ridiculous proportion when it first came out in theaters. Luckily, I also found myself loving it. I found that I couldn’t believe that I was seeing a true labor of love, a movie with production values and sharp writing and fine performances, a film that seemed to have shambled out of the grave, aimed right at everything I love. You may see films that are technically better, films that are finer achievements in the art of cinema, but you often won't see a film with more heart than this one. I give this one three braaaaaaaaains and four more paramedics to be sent (name that reference for official cool points).

The Not-so-Nobel prize

Attention U.S. Citizens-I severely hope that your tax dollars have not been used to help fund the prize winning "hiccup cure" team, no matter how horribly you may be plagued with sudden swallows of air.

It pains me to reveal that there's actually research behind the cure too.

Attention United States citizens

This is your tax dollars at work.....yet again.

Now, to be fair and possibly defend them, Interior is the most boring of all Cabinet-level departments. I mean, what do they deal with, the insides of places?

*rimshot*

The artist currently known as a family man

Now strippers know what it's like when doves cry. After ranting to said ladies, I wonder if he takes them back to his place to play a game of basketball and eat pancakes?

Incredibly important tech news

Gamers will soon have the ability to control Hillary Duff's every move--and her dog's. In a move sure to appeal to the gaming demographic (males ages 14-25), The Sims 2 Pets is going to guest start Hillary Duff and her chihuahua Lola.

Yeah, that's much more exciting than killing a world full of zombies.

Not like they'll remember anything, anyway

New research is showing that it's OK to smoke marijuana because it helps prevent Alzheimer's. Alcohol is good for the circulatory system, coffee is good for the liver, cigarettes are good for keeping weight offand now pot can actually help prevent a disease?

When is the world of modern medicine going to admit that vices aren't so bad after all. This blog predicts studies will show crack improves reflexes.

The story above also wins Lead Sentence of the Day for a flagrant crack about hippies.

Red light or red light district?

Are you going to be driving in the U.K. any time soon? Hopefully not.

According to Reuters, those randy English are thinking about sex more than they are about the road. The English fancy a bugger more than they do thoroughfare safety. At least they're not thinking about tea and crumpets.

Attention United States citizens

This is your tax dollars at work.

Just because it's a federal raid on green plants doesn't make it right, economically supportive, or federally justified. Oh, and so that it's known, by green plants, I mean SPINACH.

Age ain't nothing but a ...

... $128 fine?

Ok, let me correct. Age and Levitra a renewed vigor and vitality ain't nothing but a $128 fine.

Of course, public indecency can help with that too.

The Caffeine Manifesto

Cuba says the reason their people live so long is cigars, coffee, and copious fornication. Sounds like communist propaganda to this blogger, but if Fidel Castro is still kicking, this blog may be willing to give it a shot. Do we mean literally? We'll never telllll.

CIA, our contact means is at the top of the site, though.

Attention Trekkies

If you're a fan of the Star Trek franchise, you might want to scrounge up some money with your buddies. Some props and costumes from the shows and movies are going up for auction soon.

With no more Trek shows on TV, after this auction can we officially call the whole thing finished and move on?

So a horse walks into a bar ...

It sounds like the beginning of a bad joke, but in Jarrow, England there is a horse who likes the taste of beer.

According to United Press International, Peggy, a cart horse, has a taste for bitter beer. One day, Peggy's owner, Peter Dolan, tied her up outside a bar. The rope was too long and Peggy was able to make it inside and helped herself to a pint.

Admittedly, this blog knows next to nothing about the towns of England, but how far out in the boondocks do you have to go before you get to a bar where people park their horses outside? And if they ride their horses home, is that considered drunk driving?

Just when you thought the world had forgotten Paris Hilton

Ever wanted to be the inspiration of a cat fight? Former Blink 182 drummer Travis Barker had the pleasure of that recently when his ex-wife, former beauty queen Shanna Moakler, allegedly attacked Paris Hilton at a nightclub recently.

Hilton is rumored to have broken her vow of chastidy for one year with Barker only weeks after his divorce was finalized. How does Barker, a guy who always sports the just-rolled-out-of-bed-and-still-confused look, get this kind of notoriety?

Key quote: "Moakler contends she exchanged mere profanities with Hilton, at which point Hilton's ex-boyfriend Stavros Niarchos emerged from the entourage, bent Moakler's wrists, poured a drink on her and shoved her down some stairs."

Scurry away from Blaine, Minn. '06

You can't exactly call it politics as usual when a candidate asks you not to vote for him. That is what is happening in Blaine, Minnesota's City Council race.

According to the Associated Press, Paul Herold is asking people to vote for his opponent in the upcoming November election. Herold said he no longer wants to serve the Minneapolis suburb since he landed a new job that will involve a lot of travel and would leave him unable to adequately fullfill his duties on the city council.

Isn't the idea of a politician not contantly being around appealing to voters? This blog predicts a major backfire.

Is Bluto to blame?

Is it safe to eat spinach again? America's 7-year olds hope the answer is no, but U.S. Rep. Sam Farr of California wants to show the publics it really is OK.

According to the Associated Press, he's so into the message that he scheduled a spinach-eating press conference, during which we can only guess spinach would be eaten. Farr's plans of spinach eating (and all of a sudden growing big muscles) were dashed when he couldn't find any spinach in local grocery stores.

The U.S. House of Representatives: When they're not molesting little boys, they are off being otherwise incompetent.

Hey Pittsburgh Steelers

Here's a candidate for your quarterback position.

Hey, he at least wore a helmet. That's light years better than Ben Roethlisberger.

Won't someone think of the traffic light?

Waaaaay back on August 16, we told you that breast implants can save the life of a person (OK, let's be honest here--the life of a woman).

Today, on October 4 ... we speak this message yet again. This blog does not advocate the implementation of silicone into cars, but it does advocate the lessening of red-light runners.

Spicing up your life and tax rebate

We at SG don't like to get very political, mainly because no one wants to believe in our political system of we being totalitarian rulers of the world and annointing Spider-Man as our ruling party's mascot it makes for bad tact, ultimately.

There are times, though, that make us question how Australia hasn't devolved into pure chaos ... yet. Victoria's ecret really ought to look into opening some stores over there if they haven't already.

Keep the secret in the family

You know how there are so many negative different family stereotypes? Like, the gay uncle, the racist grandmother, the aunt that's hopped up on drugs and the pedophile creepy other uncle?

Try a new one: the braces-covered daughter that's a porn star.

I would totally ask for more rollover minutes if I were them. Of course, it also begs the question of just who actually takes pictures of their child's new braces?

2006's big reason for drinking imports over domestics

At least gas prices are going down to offset rising beer prices!

Grammar in space

Remember Neil Armstrong's famous word, "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?" Good, that means you don't have Alzheimer's. The quote has been known as the most famous grammatical error since Julius Caesar said, "I came, I am saw, I conquered."

Now an Australian programmer said he found the lost "a" missing in the recording. Making it "for a man." There, problem solved. Now if they could just find the original recording.

Side note: Am I the only one who has always heard the "a" in there?

Best Headline of the Day At This Point

Leave it to the adult entertainment industry to get themselves screwed over. (Warning: Text in link is quite possibly Not Safe For Work)

Shuddup, genes!

The Nobel Prize Committee has rightfully awarded Andrew Z. Fire and Craig C. Mello for their work in "controlling the flow of genetic information." In other words, they can shut off certain undesirable genes.

This blog is officially kicking off our gene wishlist. The following genes can shut off any time soon:

1) The 3 am hunger gene.
2) The hangover gene.
3) The rehashing-a-joke-over-and-over-at-boy/girl-parties gene.
4) The ninjas-are-awesome gene.
5) The emo gene.

Suggestions are welcome in the comments section.

SeriouslyGuys: putting a ball gag on Mother Nature.

Scurry to Alameda '06

One Alameda, California mayoral candidate doesn't mind being called a clown. That's because he is one.

Kenneth Kahn, also known as "Kenny the Clown," is running for mayor of Alameda. He's never run for office before, but thinks he might be up for the job. His sister, Barbara, said she is not going to vote for him. Send in the clowns.

This is most certainly a case of life imitating art.

Game over for microchip teen

I bet that if his computer chip had less "Trauma Center" and more "Road Rash" in it, it might be a different story.

Mother may I?

If sold on the open market, think of the purposes of the personalization function for the detector:

-a way to placate people high on the "wacky tobaccky"

-a way to drive conspiracy theorists crazy

-a way to drive religious nuts crazy

-there's even a way for Russia to keep its soldiers in line in their bunks

My suggestion for keeping you alive by using it? Switch the voice to Lewis Black.

Best Headline of the Day At This Point

Slowly but surely, the United States Congress is turning into the characteristics for a chocolate cream pie.

Chess: game of the small-bladdered

The world chess championship has drawn controversy over a possible scandal involving too many bathroom breaks. The Russian guy was reported to have taken over 50 bathroom breaks during the championship.

That will teach him to eat at that Mexican restaurtant in the shady side of town.

Come on, fellas, let's go shopping

In an ever-emasculating world, it seems guys are getting into womanly activities as well. According to researchers at Stanford University Medical Center, guys are just as likely to be spendaholics (dependent on the chemical "spendahol") as women are.

The main difference: Guys can go out and buy a bunch of random things, but they don't need to blow the whole afternoon doing it.

Now who wants to drink cosmos and talk about their feelings with me?