It's official: genetics is the new phrenology

James Watson, who won a Nobel prize for helping decode DNA, has successfully staved off any further grants by lecturing that Africans are doomed by genetics to be stupid.

Watson based this on this observation: "People who have to deal with black employees find this[, the fact that their intelligence is the same as ours,] is not true."

The Guys couldn't be there, but we're pretty sure he went on to say, "I mean, am I right, white people? Whoop whoop!" He then made the international sign to raise the roof of the Science Museum in London.

We'd like to thank Watson for reminding us that a little science in the wrong hands can be a very dangerous thing.

They're just late bloomers

Really late bloomers. Scientists have managed to do what couples counseling and Dr. Phil failed to do--unravel the mystery of the perverted pond scum that has survived 80 million years without having sex. It's like Clinton-gate, except more like the aftermath than anything else.

Star Trek WAS right

For me personally, I wish to discover the parallel universe where I am rich, and didn't kill that prostitute in Vegas, and I want need to kill that version of myself, and take his place. Especially if that dimension's me is wearing a goatee. Get with the times, beatnik.

Also, I really want to live in the "cowboy-hat universe".

Manimals

There is only dark, dark news to bring to you today, true believers. The War on Animals seems to have lost one of its closest allies: the British government. They showed their true colors in the most shocking of ways.

The British government has given the OK for scientists to create embryos that are animal-human hybrids. This blog doesn't have to tell you how bad of an idea this is. This blog doesn't think what is created would bring "Island of Doctor Moreau"-esque creatures, it would bring ones more like terminators. Except instead of having the appearance of men and insides of a machine, their insides would be animal.

They would use these terminators to get into our camps and kill us whenever they please. It's time to boycott the English until this decision is reversed!

Fat could be contagious

You know how you're always feeling out of breath when you get out of the car at lunch time, and all you can do is get inside and chow down on your KFC fried bowl of goodness? Well according to scientists, it may not be your fault, fatass.

It actually might just be how your genes interact with a cold you seem to have caught. Got that, everyone? If you dig deep enough, nothing is your fault, it's always your parents'.

They ain't got no soul

According to scientists, the same people who brought you flying cars by the end of the 20th century, are now saying artificial life could be possible in the next three to ten years. This blog sees absolutely no reason to be alarmed.

It seems like a great idea.

All binge no purge

Here's a fun fact for you on your Friday (ha, alliteration!): According to a new study, most binge drinker prefer drinking beer, if for no other reason than it is more accessible than other kinds of alcohol.

Though no survey has been taken of The Guys' drinks of choice. It seems this blog is certainly not in the majority on this one, with a clearly announced preference for whiskey.

By the way, binge drinking is defines as five or more drinks. Let that be a reminder to all you lightweights out there.

It's new the holiday sensation

We all like holidays. They give us time off and a chance to recuperate. Sometimes we even get stuff during them, even if the presents are lame (seriously, argyle socks?). There are even a fair amount of people out there like to celebrate a fictitious holiday called "Christmas in July."

Screw that noise.

In honor of a recent archaeological discovery, I'm declaring this month to be "Easter at the end of June." Why? Five words and a number: 3,000-year-old rotten easter eggs.

At least we'll look better during chemo

Eureeka! Medical science has saved us all again!

(Warning: the preceding link features images of a shaved, and therefore, naked mouse. It's probably safe for work, but really weird.)

Remember when we used to say that about discoveries of great merit like the polio vaccine or the artificial heart? We’re not saying doctors and researchers have dropped the ball, but …

No, wait. We are saying that.

Imagine a world run on brew

Lately, everyone is after the coolest new source of alternative energy. There are some unusual ideas out there: corn, food waste and even cow manure are potential sources. But scientists in Australia are looking for something tastier.

Their energy idea: beer. This blog really doesn't understand the process but it has something to do with bacteria eating the sugar in beer to make energy.

All that means is less beer for humans.

This week in alcohol

After a fun night out at the bars, one German man in Berlin found himself far too drunk to drive. He made the mature decision about it and didn't drive. He did, however, get on his horse to head home. Realizing he was too tired to make it there, he stopped at a bank, locked his trusty steed and himself in the outer lobby where the ATMs were and slept it off.

First off, who has horses in Berlin? Secondly, when you're drunk, the world is your bed.

Think you don't need math? If you like drinking, you are sorely mistaken. U.S. scientists have come up with a mathematic formula to pour a pint of beer with the perfect amount of foam. Good luck understanding it, though.

Good news for ladies who like the liquor

Ladies, we saw you out there at the bar this weekend, so we know you enjoy the drinky-drinky. Rejoice and take heed in the fact that that mango-guava-fru-fru-apple sour-cosmopolitan may now actually count as a liquid equivalent to that carrot you ate for breakfast.

Note for the guys-key in on this quote: "A fruity cocktail may not only be fun to drink".



NO.

Greatest invention ever

Like beer but hate getting up from the couch for it? Let the beer come to you, fresh out of the fridge.

Beer is good for you

Although we SGites already knew it, the proof is once again in print.

Rabbit genitals can help impotent men...and it's not an aphrodisiac

Horny bunnies may possibly do more for old men than a single little pill.

Science: "We hates hobbitses!"

Just when the fantasy ethusiasts get closer to living out their dreams of orcs, magic, and hobbits, stupid science has to ruin it all.

Science also wants to remind you that "Star Wars" does not secretly exist in a parallel universe. Sorry, nerds.

The proof is in the primordial pudding

"Dr Groves said that even today it could be possible for humans and chimps to have sex and produce offspring, although there would be ethical problems."

Here's an ethical problem for you: you just had literal wild monkey sex with Cindy Sue, the poop flinging ape slut of the jungle. Thanks to your tryst, you now have gonorrheape.

Does it deal with astronomy, religion or art?

Or is it the newest/oldest practical joke by those ca-raaaazy Amazonians? I look forward to the day when highways are uncovered and debated about as "archeological finds of the century".

She's literally nuts--and bolts, and screws, and chips

"Invasion of the Body Snatchers" just got a whoooole lot creepier.

Important science update

Grammar is for the birds.