A whiskey situation

Imagine the most horrible thing that could ever happen to humanity. Good. Now imagine that about ten times worse. That could be exactly how bad it could be if police in Tennessee have their way.

Thousands of bottles of Jack Daniel's whiskey, much of it around the century mark, could be POURED DOWN THE DRAIN by police after being seized recently. The bottles were seized in warehouse raids in Nashville and Lynchburg, but no one has been arrested. The law calls for seized bottles that cannot be sold in the country to be dumped down the drain. The whiskey must be saved!

Key quote: "'Punish the person, not the whiskey,' said an outraged Kyle MacDonald, 28, a Jack Daniel's drinker from British Columbia who promotes the whiskey on his blog. 'Jack never did anything wrong, and the whiskey itself is innocent.'"

Excellent point. Sure, whiskey has caused the premature exit of many a man's lunch, is responsible for a hazy memory or two and roughly 34 percent of the world's population today, but of this crime the booze is innocent. All it did was sit there in its bottle, as it has for decades, when someone brought it to a warehouse. Then one day police arrested the liquor and questioned it. But the whiskey, in its years of wisdom, just sat there silently pondering.

It's time for a mass protest in Tennessee. Who's with me?

Eight-minute absinthe

As you enjoy your morning eye-opener bourbon and coffee, there is some great news to report: the U.S. ban on absinthe has been lifted!

You may know the green liquor from Europe, where it made a faster comeback from vicious rumors it made one violent. In its heyday, the late 19th century and early 20th century, it was more popular worldwide than wine or beer. It was also the drink of choice for artsy types. So buy some for Halloween, or get it ready for the trippiest Thanksgiving ever.

Though this blog isn't exactly clear on how the Big Green Wall finally came down, and neither story helps much, we promise to track down more information. Raise a glass!

Worst governor ever

Wisconsinites (Wisconsonians?) were a signature away from getting free shots at grocery stores, until Gov. Jim "Killjoy" Doyle vetoed the measure. Why free liquor in grocery stores? This blog asks, why not? Grocery shopping isn't very entertaining sober, a nip here and there could only improve that.

The good news is that free beer is still allowed. Obviously, it's a totally different animal.

What could make Wisconsin a better place is an veto override by the state legislature of Doyle's veto. Folks, it's time to call your local Wisconsin legislator, or one at random, and tell them how important it is to get crocked while grocery shopping.

This blog has already begun looking at houses in the state.

Alcohol: the cause of, solution to all of life's [animal-related] problems

Taking a page from American history, an Indian village (in India, not Ironyland) let rice wine do their dirty work on a herd of Asiatic elephants.

After drinking themselves into a stupor, the elephants reenacted a World Series celebration by knocking down a utility pole. Six died in the ensuing electrocution.

This approach is one of the most innovative in the global War on Animals for three reasons:

1) Circus animal trainers have proven that electricity is the natural foe of the elephant.

2) By getting the elephants drunk, they have prevented these elephants' legendary memory from remembering and learning from this event. In other words, it could work again!

3) Because the elephants drank the rice wine of their own accord, this village has a new ally in their War on Animals: MADD. That's a lot of pamphlets, people.

(Courtesy of Patrick S.)

You scratch my back, I'll drink your beer

A New Zealand brewery is offering a lifetime supply of beer to whoever manages to narc out the individual or cunning group of individuals that stole one of their laptops. Perhaps they should maybe look a little inwards for their suspects? I mean, let's be honest here-when you work in a brewery, drinking on the job gets a whole new look to it. Get out there and start searching, super sleuthes!

From AAA to AA

We've all been here: out in the middle of nowhere, trying to change a tire, in need of some assistance and drunk off your keister. When that happens, it's nice to know you can call someone for help.

However, you may want to avoid mixing up the numbers and calling the cops instead. An Austrian man found out the hard way they don't look so kindly to such behavior for some reason.

Putting the 'DUI' in 'stupid'

Everyone knows that the best way to appeal your DUI is to kill a 12 pack of beer on the lawns by the courthouse.

Pissing the night away

Baylor's offensive line-tight ends coach Eric Schnupp was issued a citation for urinating on a bar in Waco, Texas. Schnupp apparently thought no one was looking as his urine ran a deep post patter to the bar. Now, perhaps he was trying to erase the 58-10 drubbing that Kansas laid on the Bears on Saturday, or perhaps Schnupp just wanted to make a flow chart for the coaches at THE LARGEST BAPTIST UNIVERSITY IN THE WORLD.

Key quote: "Severe said Schnupp had taken several shots of hard liquor, most bought for him by other people."

Side note: If you're a coach at a major university, shouldn't you be buying the shots? Maybe I'm just old fashioned.

Previously on '24'

Breaking news! Kiefer Sutherland has plead no contest to DUI charges from his arrest last month. Oh yeah, he was also inviolation of his probation for a 2004 DUI charge, as well.

He will be serving 48 days (roughly 48 seasons of "24") in the Paris Hilton Memorial Penitentiary in Los Angeles. No word on whether or not Jack Bauer will make it out of this one. Keep in mind this is a guy willing to bite his captors' throats to escape, as we saw last season.

Vodka: cleaner laundry AND body

Vodka saved a poisoned Australian man's life after he drank anti-freeze.

This is yet another miracle attributed to vodka, that colorless lifejuice from Russia. Other miracles include (but are apparently not limited to):

• Removing cigarette stink from laundry.
  
• Mixing well with any non-alcoholic beverage known to humanity.
  
• Making work bearable.
  
• Dean Martin's career without Jerry Lewis.
  
• Making vermouth--and now anti-freeze--consumable.

Is it possible for the Vatican to beatify a beverage? It beats the hell (heh) out of red wine/BoC.

Murder by enema

You know what? This doesn't need spin or anything. Here's what's up: charges against a woman were dropped after her husband died in what is called a "sherry enema."

The man apparently had throat problems that kept him from drinking, but his love of booze knew no bounds, apparently neither did his wife's love for her husband. He would get the booze into him using a route never before used and probably illegal at a bar: the back door.

However, after "chugging" two bottles of sherry, which police thought had been administered by his wife, he died of alcohol poisoning. His BAC was 0.47. This blog wonders how they had him blow it.

Points for style, creativity and teamwork, but no points for the botched dismount.

'Teletubbies responsible for all wars in world!'

A first grade teacher was arrested at her school after showing up to work drunk. We can only wonder what her lesson plan was. Presumably incoherrant, but awesome:

• Paradoxes/plot holes in the Berenstein Bears series.
  
• Why nice guys never get girls because girls are in love with assholes.
  
• Sharon, Lois and Bram are underappreciated by today's music standards.
  
• She loves you all, and she doesn't say it nearly enough. No really, did anyone ever tell you how funny you are? She means, damn.

All in all, we have to say that this, technically, is better than sleeping with her students, but far less titilating news-wise.

Running afoul of water fowl

Sometimes when you're drunk, you get hungry. This is what's called the beer munchies, and it must always be obeyed. A man at a hotel in St. Paul, Minnesota did just that, but it cost him.

The man, who witnesses say was drunk, was stumbling around the lobby of his hotel, which for some reason lets tame ducks wander (We assume this is to lull our enemy into a false sense of security). He grabbed one of the ducks and ripped its head off.

Key quote: "'I'm hungry. I'm gonna eat it.'"

For some reason, they charged him with animal cruelty. That shouldn't even be a charge. We're at war here, people.

'24' happy hour

Jack Bauer can always find is way out of a mess. He shoots people in the knee, he bites their jugular, but it seems the actor who plays him does not have the same luck. Some of you may remember 2006's television special "A Drunken Christmas in London" with Keifer "That f#@&ing tree needs to go down NOW!" Sutherland.

It seems Sutherland has not changed his ways, as he was just charged with drunken driving. This blog says, if this is part of the new season's plot (currently shooting now), then we can't wait for the premiere!

Nothing says 'I love you' like a fire hazard

It's not all that unusual to get really ripped after a break-up and then call your ex. Aside from the embarassment of having to explain the next day why you were crying when you called, there is no harm done.

The same cannot be said for getting hammered and trying to break into your ex's place Santa-style. An Indiana man found that out recently, when he got stuck trying to climb down the chimney of his ex-girlfriend's place. His ex was none too happy, and hit him several times before firefighters got him out.

Key quote: "'Everyone do stupid things sometimes when they're drunk,' Valencio said."

Everyone do, indeed.

Forget going out, I'm spending the night gin

How do you remember nights spent with your grandmother as a child? Some television, some milk, some cookies, some gin?

Key quote: "A portable breath test showed the girl had an alcohol level of .042 percent, about half the legal limit for driving, more than eight hours after drinking the gin."

Luka-luka-luka-luka-beeeeeeeeer

We know it seems like the perfect crime, but doing a naked hula dance to distract a clerk so your buddies can steal beer rarely works out the way you'd hope--especially if you're not sexy or a hula girl. Next time try wearing a coconut bra. And be female.

All binge no purge

Here's a fun fact for you on your Friday (ha, alliteration!): According to a new study, most binge drinker prefer drinking beer, if for no other reason than it is more accessible than other kinds of alcohol.

Though no survey has been taken of The Guys' drinks of choice. It seems this blog is certainly not in the majority on this one, with a clearly announced preference for whiskey.

By the way, binge drinking is defines as five or more drinks. Let that be a reminder to all you lightweights out there.

Houston, we have a bar tab

This blog has nothing but the utmost respect for the people at NASA and if anything, recent news does nothing but increase our enthusiasm for what they do.

A panel studying astronaut health said yesterday on at least two occasions, astronauts were so drunk they posed a flight risk on launch day. Nevertheless, the drunks were allowed to fly. Talk about taking your buzz to a whole new level.

Who wants to drink with this blog during the Endeavour launch? Drunks in spaaaaaaaace.

Going out to grab a bite

A recent study has found men are more likely to suffer bites from people than are women. The study was done in Ireland, so it should come as no surprise what they found was the reason for the statistic.

Key quote: "Dr. Eadie and her team say late-night 'alcohol-fueled aggression' is the most common cause of such injuries."

This blog thinks there might be another reason, however--one that we have been ignoring for far too long--zombies!

(Courtesy of Chris B.)