Not enough shots at the party

If you see a model from the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, you might want to keep your distance from her. Heck, stay away from people who were at the party for the issue.

It seems a cook at the party has tested positive for hepatitis A. You read it correctly, there could be a bunch of famous, rich or good-looking people walking around with hepatitis. Poetic justice? Perhaps.

Death of a playwright

Greek playwright Aeschylus died in 458 BC under unusual circumstances. The bald man was killed when an eagle dropped a live tortoise on him, mistaking his shiny head for a rock.

This has been an SG fun fact.

Won't someone think of the children?

A new and mysterious anti-porn group has decided that it will. Of course it also thinks that the Wii will turn kids into pedophile predator bait. Curse you Wii Bowling and your mind-corrupting gameplay!

Immaculate obsession

The Archbishop of Canterbury believes that people think of Anglicanism as church "obsessed with sex." That's nonsense. After all, it's a well known fact that every church is obsessed with sex. Sodom and Gommorrah? The creation of the human race? The seduction of Samson? It's like a Harlequin novel, but with more thee's and less thou's.

It's all about me

Hey college students, put down the mirror and read this report. According to the Associated Press, college students are more self-centered than those a generation ago.

This blog explains the generation's self-obsession with the fact that we are just so damn good looking.

Handy business tip #78, 856

Being a burlesque dancer may or may not very well affect one's ability to sell real estate. Signs point toward yes it does at the moment though.

Note: Ravenna Black, said agent, totally looks like a guy in the picture.

Double note: "Keep On Churnin' Til the Butter Comes" may quite possibly be the greatest song title of all time.

The few, the proud, the locked out

Sure, everyone feels safer when they live near a military base. But there are some problems with military neighbors, and it's not just the early morning jog sessions.

They seem to like messing with people's garage doors.

It's happened a few times now. Most recently in Quantico, Virginia. The moral of the story, kids, is if you move near a base, get comfortable with the idea of manually opening your garage door.

Holy Family-size pizza

People have seen the images of the Virgin Mary or Jesus in all kinds of crazy things, turtles and grilled cheese sandwiches to name a few. But now people in Houston believe the image of Mary is in their pizza pan.

Virgin Mary pan pizza sounds like a new deal from Papa John's.

NYC is like a sorority house

New York is a hopelessly messed up place--that is no secret. But every so often New Yorkers out do themselves an shock the world.

On Saturday, the boroughs all descended on Manhattan to have a massive pillow fight. Oh, the humanity!

Virginia: welcome to the reconstruction

Nearly 142 years after the end of the Civil War and the freeing of the slaves, Virginia has finally apologized for slavery. The state general assembly voted on the measure unanimously. Next up on their agenda: their stance on the presidency of Andrew Johnson.

Happy Black History Month, everyone!

Working out with Dumbo

Sure, setting a squat thrust record isn't that huge of a story. Heck, Pat Robertson can do massive leg presses. So when Ashrita Furman decided to go for the record, he decided he needed that extra something to make his story sexy.

He decided to do the squat thrusts on top of an elephant, which is probably illegal in 49 states.

Key quote: "'I've had this dream of doing a record on the back of an elephant for many, many years,' Ashrita Furman said on Thursday."

Regretful decisions

If a person keeps their ear to the floor, they can eventually hear what all of America is thinking, including the "I probably shouldn't(s)" that are thought as well. Of course, if the ear is kept to a railroad track, a person can also hear a train coming. Some better than others.

-Antonella Barba: "Maybe I shouldn't have made those racy photos seeing as how my dream is to have my face plastered all over billboards and cd covers, and not websites."

-"John Doe": "Seeing as how despite being a freely edited website/dictionary, it's still null and void from lawsuits involving it, maybe I shouldn't have made that derogatory entry about Fuzzy Zoeller. This totally sidetracks my plan to move out of Mom's basement by another 10 years."

-Antarctic scientists: "Aw crap. We found more creatures. We're all dead."

Hey, it pays to be optimistic.

A job is a job

Sex workers in India would like to be known as "entertainment workers." That's fine and dandy, but only if SeriouslyGuys can call ourselves "good bloggers" as well. Or "dinosaur authors." Oh, I really like the sound of that last one.

The McBournie Minute: Holiday season

Has anyone else noticed the latest Guinness commercials on television lately? They end with something like "Please enjoy Guinness Draught responsibly during the St. Patrick's holiday season."

There is a season for St. Patrick's Day? Far be it from me to be against any holiday that celebrates all-day drinking (everyday is St. Patrick's Day for me), but does it really need its own season? This is a growing trend for holidays. They think they can just take over our year.

Remember when the Christmas season started in December? Now it starts the day after Halloween. We need to show these holidays that they are assigned on day per year for a reason. They are getting cocky and keep trying to push us around.

Reminder: Thursday is the first day of the April Fools season, so be ready.

Cinema Grande

And now, a very special MasterChugs Theater.

I've always wanted to say that.

2006 was a good year for movies. It wasn't great, much less horrifyingly controversial, but it wasn't horrible either. We saw Pan's Labyrinth (well, technically, some did), Little Miss Sunshine, Babel, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest and An Inconvenient Truth hit theaters, wowing us with visual effects, thought provoking concepts and stimulating us with dynamic writing. We also saw Cars, The Devil Wears Prada, XIII, Blood Diamond and Norbit ... and for those of you that actually saw that last one, shame on you. You know better than to support Eddie Murphy's transvestite hooker acting problem. With all that said, it's time to take a glance at a few of this year's nominees. Let the opinionating begin!

Best Performance by an actor in a leading role

Leonardo DiCaprio showed us that he too can channel the spirit of Halle Berry and go from being part of a great movie (see The Aviator and The Departed) to leading a horrible movie (Blood Diamond), all while having an accent worse than a Welshman. Now that's versatility! I'm absolutely beside myself in happiness that Forest Whitaker has finally gotten a nomination for best lead actor in The Last King of Scotland ... but the Academy doesn't like black people. Peter O'Toole is the rightful winner for his role in Venus as an aging journeyman actor, tugging at the audience's heart strings in a way that Will Smith just couldn't fully accomplish in The Pursuit of Happyness. His only real competition? Ryan Gosling's crack addicted middle school teacher in Half Nelson, but seeing as how academy awards aren't given to drug addict (roles), O'Toole should win this.

Best Performance by an actress in a leading role

Do I really need to make any mention of Meryl Streep or The Devil Wears Prada outside of mentioning that which falls out of a horse's rectum? That's what I thought. With that out of the way, let's take a look at the proper candidates for the award. I haven't seen Volver (pronounced 'Vole-vare', as in the Spanish verb, not part of the word 'revolver'), though I'm not sure how many people actually have. Little Children was delightfully dark and wonderful, but Kate Winslet has two things going against her: 1) it was the movie that stole the show, not her role in it, and 2) she's not old, which leads into the final two nominations. Dame Judi Dench was absolutely amazing in Notes on a Scandal, easily putting in the performance of her lifetime in the movie. Helen Mirren was good in The Queen. Not great, just ... good. Sadly, I've got a bad feeling that the Academy will feel otherwise and end up giving Mirren the award, something that Dench truly deserves. Yet another scandal!

Best animated feature film

I didn't like Cars. I didn't like Happy Feet. Monster House made me chuckle. Cars will probably win it though. There, now will someone make me my feature length CGI Thundercats: The Movie already?

Best motion picture

Ah, the créme de la créme. Let's make this easy: The Queen was underachieving. Letters from Iwo Jima could have been better and felt almost a few years too late. The Departed and Little Miss Sunshine were terrific movies. The Departed may be one of Scorsese's best films of all time, and Jonathan Dayton and Valerie Faris prove in Little Miss Sunshine that it's OK to be music video directors when you're awesome directors. Both had all star casts and were simply marvels to watch; however, Babel was astounding. Everything about the movie, from the story, to the acting, the direction and even the cinematography shone through like a beacon of light in darkness. Too cheesy? How about a Mag-lite when the power goes out? Still not better? Too bad. Babel brought us a raw view of prejudice (in a way that Crash could only wish that it could have done), emotively gripping you with scenes of socioeconomic, racial and cultural differences. Hands down, Babel was the best picture of the year, no argument whatsoever.

And that closes the 2007 edition of my picks for the Oscars. I still didn't cover them all, but that's OK, the home version of the game can be anyway that you'd like it to be. Except, this year's version will be Three 6 Mafia-less. Why oh why must fate be so cruel!!!!????!!!!

When you're bad, you're bad

And when you're awful ... you'll know it.

Ladies, just because your boyfriend is bad in bed that's no reason to stab him. Alternative decision: starring in your own late-night Cinemax series instead? Or lowering your standards. That helps out too.

Knee jerk reaction

Dutch law enforcement is testing out a new tool right now, and it sounds pretty cool. It's basically the human equivalent of a car boot, except it's on the knee.

A knee brace can send an electrical impulse that will cause the leg muscles to cramp up, preventing an escapee from getting away. As a side note, this blog is willing to accept donations and test them on volunteers.

Phrase of the day

Concrete balls.

Louie "Concrete Balls" D'Angelo, who maintains he is not part of the mafia, could not be reached for comment.

Shooting them in a barrel is more fun, anyway

In every war, there are turncoats. Sad to say, even the War on Animals has its traitors. You know them better as People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA). Their human-hating name says it all.

PETA, who as far as this blog is concerned is a terrorist group operating within U.S. borders, has launched their latest propaganda campiagn at fishinghurts.com. According to the name, fishing, much like love, hurts. But PETA's argument is flawed. They build their case on the assumption people would not impale dogs. This blog says, in the War on Animals, BRING IT ON!

Key quote: "When it comes to feelings, a child is a dog is a fish."

This blog doesn't know if they are suggesting we provide public education for puppies and guppies, but it's one hook we won't bite.

Update to Porn is on the move

Remember how Canadian cellular company, Telus Corp., was planning on making a fortune off of "mobile porn?" It would appear that now they're thinking not so much. A decision made entirely on their own and via no input from protesters whatsoever. Looks like Canadian lechers are stuck downloading it the old fashioned way-in their homes or at work.

NZ on our mind

Google, who owns Blogger (alliterative motto: We Work When We Want To), shut down a blog that made death threats against a New Zealand official after the country's government complained.

This begs the question: if your blog, not SG, was allowed to be used to make death threats, who would you make those death threats about?

And seriously, what is with the news out of New Zealand today? SG has easily doubled the amount of posts about it in just one day.

True New Zealand monsters

Even now, our animalistic enemies take the war to that comic relief country, New Zealand. You monsters! Thank god it's dead already.

Hey, it's not like I'm offending the deceased animal. With a name of "colossal squid", you don't exactly expect it to be cute and tiny.

Cop into self-flagellation

In Maryland and in many places across the country, the police don't always lead by example. They usually pass you on the highway when you're already speeding.

A police chief in Wisconsin seems to take a different approach to law enforcement. When he ran a flashing stop sign on a school bus, he wrote himself a ticket.

Apparently in Wisconsin, people have never heard of the perks of the job.

Witch trials return to England

After roughly 400 years on sabbatical, witch trials are making a comeback that is sure to sweep the country. The first stop on the reunion tour: England, where 81-year old Dorothy Evans is on trial for telling the neighbor's daughter she was a witch and would cast a spell on her family.

This blog says dunk her already! It's the only way to see if the charges are true.

A true Carnival cruise

Nude water skiers scandalize the cruisegoers on the Queen Mary 2 as it arrives in Australia. Hey, I don't know about you, but it's not called a luxury liner for nothing.

Also, I'm not sure what being "gobsmacked" is ... but it definitely sounds disturbing.

Read the fine print ... and hear the fine language

Some parents think it's a scandal that their kids can get R-rated movies at their local library.

It's ok though. Fortunately, most kids are afraid to go in because they might accidentally read something.

I kid, Mom!

From the SeriouslyGuys Vault: February 21, 1848

Monday, February 21, 1848

Karl Marx: ladies man

London, UK: Karl Marx, 30, is the most eligible bachelor in London this season! The young bachelor has just published The Communist Manifesto, which we haven't read yet but presume to be a gripping mystery/thriller like the works of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

Marx was born in Prussia in 1818, but left to help lead a revolution against the French. Anyone who helps maim French people can't be bad, right ladies?

Is that the six hole?

A goalie from the University of Southern California showed a little but more padding than necessary at a game at Brigham Young University recently. He mooned the audience.

As a former hockey player, I can tell you, mooning while wearing all that equipment is not easy. However, mooning a crowd full of Mormon students would be pretty funny.

Science news round-up

Over in San Francisco, researchers and other sciency-type people are meeting to figure out ways to restore movement to paralyzed individuals. If BrainGate can be installed into a person and allow me to move my car without actually being in it, simply via radio waves, then they've got my 20 dollars right there. Especially if their lawyer can get me off of the eventual manslaughter charges.

And on the other side of the nation, New York, new Spider-Man villains cybernetically enhanced robot zombies human limbs and lost digits are attempting to be regrown.

Quote of the day: "'I don't plan on cutting anything more off to find out if I can grow that back,' he said."

Don't put things off until 2036

Great news, everyone. There's a meteor heading our way that could potentially end all life as we know it! Even better, they're asking the United Nations to do something about it.

Let's all hope the U.N. gets enough votes together to pass a resolution condemning the asteroid and threatening sanctions if it continues its actions. I know I feel safe.

It's enough to drive you mad

The only thing that makes me more angry than drivers who move too slow in the fast lane are drivers who park in the fast lane to have sex.

And when they don't use their signals? Oh buddy, you don't want to see the reaction that I get.

Also of note: gender relations continue to excel in Jerusalem. "A patrolman gave the woman a ticket for holding up traffic." That's it. No other punishments were doled out.

Cell-phones continue to cull the commoners

Don't be surprised if your new cell-phones have labels in the text message sections of their instruction manuals stating such wise warnings like "Caution: do not operate this function while walking alongside a moving subway train."

(Courtesy Alex Hicks)

Must die TV

Hey, is there anything good on TV tonight?

Vincenzo Ricardo, 70, of Hampton Bays, NY should know. He has been watching television since his death in 2005. Police said the mummified body of Ricardo was found sitting in front of a blaring television. Let's all hope that is where he died, the implications if he moved there afterward are too scary to think about.

Key quote: "Officials could not explain why the electricity had not been turned off, considering Ricardo had not been heard from since December 2005."

Fun fact

The word "decimation" comes from Roman ancient Roman times. It comes from the Latin root "decem," meaning ten. It was a form of punishment for groups, in particular, armies.

When an army was decimated, someone was ordered to kill every tenth person in the ranks.

This has been an SG fun fact.

The war continues

Just when you thought it was safe ... they begin adapting to us!

Key quote: "It was absolutely bizarre. I was thinking 'he's got too many legs' and I kept counting 'one, two, three, four,'" Janaway said."

Counting is hard.

Helpful tip for neighbors

If you're watching a movie with "adult implications," make sure that you're the only one that can hear it. After all, you never know when a knight in not-so-shining armor might threaten his neighbor with a sword because he thought he heard a damsel in distress.

Van Gogh's best friend

For the dog owners out there: when you take your pet to the groomer and ask for a little off the top, be sure to specify exactly how much you want off.

In Seattle, a dog groomer accidentally cut the ear off a shih tzu, but who hasn't? The groomer then super glued the ear back on to the dog, hoping the owner would never notice. When the owner gave little Jasmine a bath that evening, she was horrified when she found the ear floating in the tub.

I smell lawsuit against super glue for false advertising.

The McBournie Minute: The flu

As it so happened, that bug that's been going around, I caught it. Everyone always says it's "that bug," no matter where you are in the country, the exact same bug is going around and there is no possible chance you have a different bug.

I ended up coming down with the flu on Friday afternoon. I spent my Friday night like I hadn't in a long time--huddled over a toilet and sober. It was more than just that. To spare you the details, it felt like someone found the "eject" button on my digestive system and there were only two ways out.

It wasn't so much that I was sick that bothered me, what really got to me was the fact that it happened on a Friday. I didn't even get to take off any time from work. Instead, my whole weekend was shot. It was like a weekend-long hangover that I didn't earn.

On top of that, I had a fever of 99.9 degrees Fahrenheit. I was upset I never broke the 100 mark the whole weekend. As we all know, a fever of 100 sounds way worse than a fever of 99.9.

In any case, I am now more or less back to health and will be rejoining the other contributing members of society in going to work. Even the no longer contagious work on President's Day.

MasterChugs Theater: 'Old School'

Mitch (Luke Wilson) comes home to find his insatiable girlfriend (Juliette Lewis) in the bedroom watching hardcore porn. He thinks all his Christmases have come at once ... until he discovers the two naked strangers she's spending time with. When your girlfriend's hosting a mini-orgy and you're not invited, it's probably time to move on. So begins Old School, an uproarious comedy which follows Mitch and his buddies Frank (Will Ferrell) and Beanie (Vince Vaughn). They decide to drop out of the relationship rat race and rediscover their college years by opening a frat house at the local university.

Of course, this is when hijinks ensue, and the hijinks are hilarious. Just the hazing scenes alone are worth the price of admission. Envision Beanie, Frank, and Mitch, pantyhose on their heads, tearing through the streets of a quiet college town and parking lots of supermarkets in a black A-Team-style van, kidnapping rush pledges. Now that’s gold. But there is also a tender side to these guys. Beanie’s actually a caring dad who uses the codeword “earmuffs” when he wants his kids to cover their ears when he curses. Frank is recently married, and trying to be a good newlywed, despite his “Frank the Tank” past. And Mitch is falling for single mom Nicole (Ellen Pompeo) who’s dating super-jerk Mark (Craig Kilborn).

Starting to sound like Animal House meets Dr. Phil? Maybe. But it works, and the reason why takes me back to the casting. Ferrell plays the nice guy/caged lunatic, unleashing his outrageous comic fury at just the right moments. Vaughn delivers perhaps his funniest, most confident performance since Swingers as the cocksure, true-pal Beanie. He absolutely oozes Trent Walker, spitting out ingenious little improvisations at times; and then surprises us with random moments of quirkiness, like a kid’s birthday party scene where he patrols the lawn with a cocktail glass and dressed as a clown (Shakes, anyone?). And Wilson plays his puppy-dog persona first seen in Bottle Rocket to the hilt, which touchingly bonds these rough-edged buddies together.

Trading on the combined charms of Wilson, Vaughn, and Saturday Night Live's Will Ferrell, not to mention a killing performance from Jeremy Piven as the university's uptight dean, Old School turns out to be something more than just another Road Trip/American Pie rip-off. It's a hilariously funny and unexpectedly warm look at three men who just want to be boys again. With all the silliness that wish entails.

He had high hopes

One thing they really don't like in China is people who scam other people out of money. More specifically, they don't like people who have ant-breeding scams that con millions of dollars off of people.

They dislike it so much that one guy's getting the ax for it.

Time to put a damper on Friday

Great news everyone! It is now the Chinese year of the pig. Does that mean more bacon in our breakfasts, no. Even better, disease, violence and disasters are predicted for this year!

Key quote: "Pig years can be turbulent because they are dominated by fire and water, conflicting elements that tend to cause havoc, Lo said."

New meaning to 'Hangin' with Mr. Cooper'

Mark Curry, a comedian and actor, said he recently contemplated suicide after he suffered second-degree burns to 18 percent of his body.

The burns occurred in a freak accident when a starch spray can fell and started a fire. Curry said his comedian friends helped take the edge off. Is it right to make fun of someone's pain for a quick headline pun. We think so.

Live from D.C., it's Saturday night

Al Franken, most famous for his time on Saturday Night Live and then writing a series of books closer to politics than comedy, has formally announced he is running for U.S. Senate from his home state of Minnesota.

This blog predicts Jimmy Fallon will be the next former SNL cast member to announce candidacy--that is of course if he can get through a speech without cracking himself up.

Holy lockdown, Batman!

When the world needs them, heroes shall appear ....

... Of course this guy was probably spying on the girls in the shower, but that's really beside the point, I like to think.

Squirrels on a Plane

At least, in the end, it's one last squirrel that we have to worry about. Remember everyone, it's not the flying squirrels that we should be worried about, but the underwater ones.

Washington's likeness is taking over U.S. currency

Great news, everyone! The new dollar coin is out today. You may remember when we covered this before. The coins are going to have the faces of the presidents (starting with Washington) and going to end with the last president dead for a minimum of two years.

The U.S. Mint believes they have finally gotten the dollar coin to the point where it will be acceptable to the public. The new coins will--

Wait, I'm the only one who cares? Never mind.

Saavy entrepreneurship at its finest

Why go to the internet when you can have it in front of you? I can just see the dollar signs roll in.


And the puke flying into the bucket. If it's not a winner for "Best Valentine's Day Story", I don't know what is.

Helpful tip for foreign teenagers

Valentine's Day is a great day to lose your virginity—unless you're a teenager in Thailand, in which case you should probably just go to the movies.

Remember, if you're a teenager and out on the streets in Thailand with your significant other, stick to the plan:

-Pronounce your lust loudly for said significant other.
-Run as fast as the two of you can. That's a keen sign of inconspicuous behavior to the local constabulatory.
-If you're going for public whoopie, head to the local park. No one goes to the park on Valentine's Day, especially the 5-0. It's a fact.

Happy Valentine's Day from SG

As our dedicated readers will know, we at SG are hopeless romantics. In honor of Valentine's Day, we're trying to find the most lovey-dovey stories we can.

Are you recently divorced and looking to return the ring you spent so much money on? There is a website for you.

Headline of the Day

This blog has no idea what the case is about, nor does it care. But let's just say stay away from Ms. Brazil and her lawyers.

From the SeriouslyGuys Vault: February 14, 1779

On Sundaye, the 14'th Daye of February, 1779

Cook gets Goose cook'd



Captain James Cook, bolde Explorer of th' British Navie, was kill'd by Natifes of the Sandwich Islands. Th' Hawaiianes, as th' Savages call thimselves, were convinced that Cook and Co. were Gods.

Th' Jig, as they saye, was up when one of Cook's Creue had the Indecencie to die, prov'ng to th' Savages that they were, in facte, Mortals.

Our modest Moral: when one decides to play a God, one must be sure to aske Him first.

Driving safety tip of the day

If your car is filled to the roof with trash you have accumulated over the years (and clearly you have given up on dating) make sure you keep the debris away from the pedals. You kind of need those to drive.

One Massachusetts woman had to learn that lesson the hard way.

A truely frontless war

The War on Animals has taken what is called by many the most confusing turn of all. The U.S. Navy is about to deploy trained dolphins and sea lions to guard the nation's shores from terrorists.

This means the military is actually enlisting the help of a sworn enemy in the war on terrorism. Can we really trust these dolphins and sea lions? Are they really the Benedict Arnolds of their respective species or will they turn against us the first chance they get?

Let the sun shine in

Winter is depressing for most people who aren't already emo. But if you live really far north, you're probably more depressed because you live in a place that generally sucks and you haven't seen sunlight for three months.

Switzerland aims to change that. Not the suckiness part, but the lack of sunlight.

What women want:

A musky sweat smell, Ralph Fiennes, and over-the-counter Viagra.

What men want:

A clean shirt, just peanuts when they ask for a bag of peanuts, and cheaper prices for Viagra.

Tips from SG-loise

Here at SeriouslyGuys, we're all about helping people out. Just to prove this, here's a tip for all of you lonely freshmen at college: many university libraries carry porn in their archives.

Librarians of the world, if this doesn't get people into libraries, I don't know what will.

I love the smell of bowels in the morning

Everyone feels like they have a bad day now and then. But when your day is stopped in traffic for two hours because a truck flipped over, your day's a little worse than normal.

And it only gets worse when you find out the truck was carrying 40 tons of cow intestines, which it has since spilled onto the highway. Just imagine what that must look like frozen across the highway.

(Courtesy Adam)

Worker bees of the world, unite!

Millions of honey bees are "mysteriously" dying in beekeepers' hives across the country. Scientists don't know what's causing it. Those of us paying attention to the War on Animals know exactly what is happening.

It's simply man-made regime change of one of the enemy's most militaristic factions. This blog says down with the bee monarchy. The Queen is dead!

A truly progressive movement in motion

Here's some good news for your day: Living with a member of the opposite sex who you are not married to is no longer a sex crime in North Dakota. Welcome to the real world 20th century 21st century, kids!

For more progressive movements, look no farther than to Spain, where Viagra is mixing with the general populace; however, not all people like the wonder-pill.

Examples? Try Spain's own porn stars.

A real potty mouth

Ever been so drunk you thought the toilet was talking to you? If you're at bar in New Mexico, it may no longer be those tequila sunrises talking.

The state is placing 500 urinal cakes in men's restrooms around the state. But these are no ordinary urinal cakes. They can talk.

This blog takes a stand against talking urinal cakes. Sure, they only deliver anti-DUI messages now, but what happens when you go to pee and the urinal cake starts making comments about your unit? Be careful where you pee, men of New Mexico.

It's hard out there for a Brit

Watch out, ladies of England: Boots, a chain pharmacy, is going to sell Viagra over-the-counter.

The trial program will begin on Valentine's Day. This blog cannot make this stuff up.

Maternity wards have begun preparations for November 14, 2007.

The McBournie Minute: Pulling commercials

Millions of people watched the Super Bowl, many of those people watched it for the commercials. This time last week, the only comments being made were, "Wow, the commercials weren't that great this year."

Now, it's all talk about what commercials were inappropriate. This is going beyond the Rolling Rock ads, where they intentionally announce the pulling of fake ads, Snickers and General Motors have faced the wrath of critics in the week since the first airing.

For those of you who do not remember, the Snickers commercial had two guys doing the ol' Lady and the Tramp thing with a candy bar. Two men kissing! Then expressing disgust at what they did! Sinful!

The GM commercial was a favorite, with one of those machines that assembles cars going through depression and eventually jumping off a bridge, only to wake up and find it was all a bad dream. Of course, this commercial drew criticism for its portrayal of suicide. We all know machines cannot self-terminate.

The big issue here is that companies should be able to make jokes however they want. After all, it is their millions of dollars going to make it. But just so you know, if you tried kissing a man and have now faced public scorn for being homosexual, end your depression and jump off a bridge.

MasterChugs Theater: 'Night at the Museum'

Teachers waste a lot of breath attempting to make history come alive, when all they need do is deploy a team of special-effects wizards and costume designers. In the coyly hilarious Night at the Museum, Tyrannosaurus rex roams the earth once more, Teddy Roosevelt rides anew, Attila the Hun returns to the warpath, Lewis and Clark retrace their famous expedition, and cowboys in a diorama spring to life to win the West again; however, for all its dazzling computer-generated sequences, Museum wouldn't be nearly the delight it is without the talents of some of the best comedians in the business. The Friars Club is about the only place you'd expect to find Mickey Rooney, Dick Van Dyke, Robin Williams, Owen Wilson and Britain's Steve Coogan and Ricky Gervais together.

Wilson and Coogan make an engaging double-act as miniature models of a western pioneer and Roman general (respectively), warring every night over territory, and quite possibly stealing the show (along with a line from a certain infamous cowboy movie). Gervais is also titter-worthy as the David Brent-alike museum director, an individual who has scenes that are small marvels of inarticulate blither. Together with Stiller's manic turn--literally spanking a monkey in one priceless scene--they keep things ticking over nicely. Then eventually the plot kicks into top gear with Larry recruiting the exhibits to foil a robbery attempt. Despite a couple of half-hearted romantic subplots and earnest messaging on the virtues of doing your homework, this trip to the museum ends up being unusually fun-at least, for anyone over the age of 12.

Best of all, the troika of retiring guards who advise Larry on his appointed nightly rounds include Bill Cobbs, Dick Van Dyke, and the unstoppable Mickey Rooney, who at this point resembles the world's oldest, angriest troll. Van Dyke is still limber enough to remind us of sitcom ottomans past, and Rooney just has to enter the frame and fix Stiller with beady eye to provoke helpless laughter. That's right, I didn't stutter--Mickey Rooney lives!

Showcasing a glittering array of comedy talent from Ben Stiller to Ricky Gervais, Night At The Museum is a rare family treat. After directing the tragically unfunny Pink Panther remake and equally awful Just Married, Levy puts faith in the actors and resists the impulse to hammer the jokes into extinction. It feels disjointed in places, but Stiller ably carries the burden as the nervy night watchman, who tussles with the exhibits that spring to life at closing time.

Attention Vermont drivers

First they said it wasn't OK to drink (alcohol) and drive, then they said you couldn't talk on your cell phone and drive. Now they want to make it illegal to drink (anything), eat, smoke, applying make-up, read, write, or interact with pets or cargo.

How will Vermonters be able to get anything done as they cruise along the wide open, ice-laden streets if they can't smoke their cigarettes and sip their lattes while reading trendy books and writing manifestos? And is there really a problem of "interacting with pets and cargo" when driving? That's hard enough to do just standing there.

Snakes on a grandson

The enemy seems to be pretty active today. In yet another story about the War on Animals, a 66-year old grandfather fought and killed a 16-foot anaconda attacking his grandson. He beat it with rocks and stabbed it with a knife.

If that's not an example of how resilient our enemy is, this blog doesn't know what would be.

Is that a stroke?

Forget about the death of Anna Nicole Smith, how about the ailing of an elephant at the National Zoo?

Ambika the Asian elephant has a blood clot in her, um, well, her na-na. Unfortunately, the animal is getting treatment at the DC zoo and is expected to make a full recovery. Sorry, folks.

Art for the sake of art

A nude model nearly costs an art student her diploma because of a photograph that exposed her lips.

It's not what you think in the slightest.

Intarwub powah is stronger than j00

Hackers recently attempted to kill the internet; however, the internet showed that its pipes were made of sterner stuff, and thus Drain-O'd away all the bad stuff. Al Gore should be praised for his efforts to create such defenses.

What a jerk

"A 47-year-old data processing supervisor in the state comptroller's office this week denied charges that he was naked and masturbating inside a glass-enclosed ski lift car at a Vermont ski area."

Sometimes the actual story speaks for itself.

On a side note: lewd and lascivious conduct is a felony?

Farmers love their gas

If you live on a farm in Minnesota, it may not be a good idea to chase down thieves at gunpoint after they rob $5 worth of gasoline from you. You could end up getting charged for it.

What a great example of how the legal system works. It's about time we cracked down on these people helping local police agencies.

Just another Naked Sunday

It seems "Naked Sunday" is an idea sweeping the globe. First it hit a Dutch gym, now Christina Aguilera and her husband celebrate the weekly event in the privacy of their own home.

This blog hoping the trend does not catch on in churches.

No more ouchies?

Remember people: pain is nature's way of saying "don't touch." Besides, more little girls (and boys--we here at SG are politically correct, even if the article isn't) need to have less fingers thanks to 40-watt incinerators.

Next on Recall Watch: Slip N' Slide. You very well may just get a slide with that slip of yours.

Porn is on the move

SG knows that it's very cold outside at the moment for a lot of you. Don't use up valuable fuel with your car. What do we recommend? Take public transportation! After all, bus stations in Bulgaria are showing porn on plasma television screens to help passengers pass the time while they wait for their ride. One little catch though-for some reason no one seems to be going anywhere. Boy, the plasma TV thing sure does kick the crap out of Metro or Marta though.

Still, if you're somehow able to brave the icy temperatures and sub-zero winds, and also happen to be based in Canada, Telus Corp. is waiting for you and knows just what you need! The Canadian cellphone carrier expects to make $14 billion selling mobile porn over the next five years. Irony? The money will be paid out with checks that are really small and hard to read.

From the SeriouslyGuys Vault: February 7, 1971

Sunday, February 7, 1971

Worst named military operation over

Yes, the military has ended Operation Dewey Canyon II: the second thrust into the fertile crevices of Laos after the first insertion ended in a failed climax.

The soldiers will presumably dry off, take a cold shower and do some push-ups after another embarassing letdown by the South Vietnamese. The US soldiers were, of course, not allowed in the action, so they are probably feeling pent up.

However, they may not have to wait for long. An unidentified source in the Pentagon has disclosed a potential Operation Drippy Cock.

Get a date, fool

With Valentine's Day coming up, we at SG find it our duty (hehe, I said "duty") to hook up our single readers with dates next week. That's why we are letting you speed daters know about a study that finds it's a good idea to be choosy.

Got that, lonely people? Stop going after everything with legs.

Paternity ward drama!

A nurse in Sarajevo caused a bit of a stir when she presented a list of 20 doctors that she works with as potential fathers for her child. It's also possible that journalists are getting their news from episodes of "General Hospital" or the Maury Povich Show. This blogger would like to refute any claims, as he's totally a "Days of Our Lives" fan.

Moral time, people

A wild and sexy cabaret show in Singapore is closing its doors, but not because the conservative nation think it's too wild. It's actually too dull.

Remember people: just because someone's conservative doesn't mean that they're stupid. At least, most of the time.

This is why women should not be in space

Lisa Nowak, whose name you might recall, because she was on the space shuttle mission last summer, has been charged with the attempted murder and attempted kidnapping of a woman she saw as her competition for her alleged lover and fellow astronaut.

Nowak drove from Houston to Orlando to confront the woman. She was so determined to get there, she wore an adult diaper to save travel time.

You would think they'd keep the crazies from going into space.

Curse you, squirrel!

Though it's very cold outside and many of are adversaries are dormant this time of year, there are some brave animals who continue to attack. Like this harrowing tale of a woman being bitten by a squirrel, brought to you by Meredith Knight.

(May require registration)

Chewy turns to the dark side

Planetary communities across the galaxy are calling for Chewbacca to be stripped of the medal he was awarded at the end of Return of the Jedi after he was arrested in Hollywood for head-butting a tourist.

According to Reuters, the character became very angry when the tourist refused to give the walking carpet a tip. Tipping the movie characters is not always standard practice in Hollywood. Worst of all, it seems this crime is all-too common.

Key quote: "Two years ago, Mr. Incredible, Elmo the Muppet and the dark-hooded character from the movie Scream were arrested for 'aggressive begging,' the L.A. Times reported."

Another one bites the dust

And by another one, I mean another kooky and zany tourist trap goes goodbye. One can only hope that its future self, a spot on a highway, will be just as crazy and send cars tumbling into the air.

It's the reason for the season

Chinese students are in trouble for giving each other pornographic cards for New Year's Day.

In other news, Chinese kids apparently give each other cards on New Year's Day? Man, and I thought the rituals of Boss's Day were odd.

Irony imitating art

Granville Adams, former star of the HBO series "Oz," could be facing some real time in a real prison after a scuffle he was involved in caused a man's death at a Manhattan night club.

Adams allegedly was involved in a fight with another man who he pushed up against closed elevator doors, causing them to open. The man fell to his death in the elevator shaft.

Can you say, "party foul?"

A pair of grande mugs, please

While Starbucks has all the locations, smaller coffee shops are offering something that puritanical global empire can't.

What a reach: literary analyses of Super Bowl ads

Now that the Super Bowl's over, let's look at the news reports. The sports pages have plenty to say about the game (Colts won), the entertainment pages are figuring out Prince's name this week and the indoor kids are focused entirely too much on the commercials.

Our favorite reach:

"Then, too, there was the unfortunate homonym at the heart of a commercial from Prudential Financial, titled 'What Can a Rock Do?'

The problem with the spot, created internally at Prudential, was that whenever the announcer said, “a rock” — invoking the Prudential logo, the rock of Gibraltar — it sounded as if he were saying, yes, 'Iraq.'"

The McBournie Minute: Super Bowl

Well, football is officially over. For those of you who missed it, the Indianapolis Colts beat the Chicago Bears and Peyton Manning was named MVP despite doing virtually nothing during the game. Now what? What can we do to fill the football void.

More television. Forget those dreams of being productive, it's time to find more shows on TV that you can watch while killing that bag of Doritos. Here are my suggestions:

"24" -- Yes, it is one of those shows that you need to follow weekly or else you don't know what's happening. It's on tonight at 9 on Fox, so I'll catch you up. Jack was tortured for two years in China but was brought back to America to appease terrorists who later set off a nuclear bomb outside of L.A. Jack's brother is evil and his father we're not really sure about. The most unrealistic part is how quickly the federal government moves.

"The Office" -- When I was in college, I didn't really get this show. Who would want to be reminded of their long, nightmare-inducing day at work by watching a show ABOUT work? Then I got a job and saw, it's therapeutic. More than that, it is the funniest show on TV right now. Or at least it is most of the time.

"Deal or No Deal" -- Are you tired of shows that require thought? Do you wish there was a show that dumbed everything down for you? Look no further. It's another one of those prime time game shows, but there's no trivia, it's just guessing numbers. On top of that, host Howie Mandel now looks like Mr. Clean.

"Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip" -- It's on tonight at 10 on NBC and it's hemorrhaging viewers. But I love it, so WATCH IT!

Working out all loosey-goosey

If you don't feel uncomfortable enough when you work out at the gym, head to the Netherlands, where Patrick de Man (yes, that is his real name) is introducing "Naked Sunday" at the gym he owns.

Tip: You do NOT want to do squats on Naked Sunday.

'Duh' Headline of the Day

Another case of science telling us what we already know. That is, for those of us who believe in science. This blog thinks that rather than blaming global warming on mankind, it should be blamed on a single man.

Maybe you. After all, you were Person of the Year in 2006.

Happy February, everyone!

In an effort to jump start Black History Month, a party at Clemson University (located in South Carolina, a state known for its racial tolerance) upset African-Americans when white students made fun of racial stereotypes. According to reports, the students drank malt liquor and one even dressed in black face.

Don't make us come down there again, South!

Scurry to the Capitol '08

Minnesota has had a history of odd choices for political figures, most notibly when they elected former wrestler Jesse "The Body" Ventura governor. In 2008, the Senate race could get funnier.

Then again, it could just get so preachy and self-indulgent that no one will really care about it.

Nobel Prize Watch, '07

How do you render one of the most important international awards irrelevant? Easy: if either of these two hacks win.

Can Al or Rush destroy the integrity of the Nobel Peace Prize? We leave that decision to Norway.

I wonder if it mixes with cola?

Looking to drink on the job but can't find anything in the office you're willing to risk your bowels on for a buzz? Thank one extremely clever stupid inmate in a Maryland prison who got drunk off of hand sanitizer.

The gallon he was drinking from was 140 proof, stronger than most liquors available today.

Best Headline of the Day At This Point

You know, my memory has been known to fail me at times, but isn't that what got her into trouble in the first place?

It's all about location, location, location

Forget Porn Valley, Vegas, Los Angeles, and that dirty corner hobo alley behind Thirty-fourth and Main Street...the new adult horror/plain old adult "gettin' it on" movie-making hot spot is Muncie, Indiana.

Oh, and did I forget to mention that Muncie is the home of Ball State University?

Aqua Terrorist Hunger Force

The people of Boston had a huge scare yesterday, and it wasn't a potato famine. It was actually multiple bomb scares all at once. The devices were found near bridges and hospitals in Boston, one was even detonated by police.

The devices ended up being promotional signs for the new season of "Aqua Teen Hunger Force."