MasterChugs Theater: "Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky"

In cinema history, there are some movies that make their audience treasure the life that they have, yielding smiles or tears. Some movies make us laugh. Others have been known to renew our faith in the indomitable spirit of humanity.

Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky is the type of movie that makes the audience go "THAT WAS [CENSORED] INCREDIBLE!" and for good reason, too. If you've ever seen the old Daily Show where they show the loop of the head being smashed, you'll know what to expect from this movie. For good martial arts, look elsewhere. For a good plot, look elsewhere. For some of the most outlandish gore around, step inside! Be prepared, as the movie being reviewed this week is not for the week of stomach.

Riki-Oh, made in Hong Kong in 1991, is about a prison in the future (the far future of 2001, mind you), which is run by a major corporation. This is a huge prison, which has four main sections. In every section, there is a leader of that particular cell block with super-human strengths. Riki has just been imprisoned for 15 years for killing someone. Apparently, in the future, stealing supplies from your office is the same as killing, because another man has been imprisoned for 15 years, but for stealing pencils and pens. White collar crime, your new friend, bloody collar with nose to match.

Once Riki finds his way to his cell, he notices one of his fellow inmates making a toy that will be shipped to his son. A henchmen of that section's leader happens to be walking by, and decides it would be fun to hassle the poor man. Eventually after the guard is done harassing the man, he decides to take the wooden toy from him and smash it into the dude's skull. As the guard is leaving, Riki trips him and the guard ends up falling head first into a plank with a nail in it, which happens to cut straight through his eyeball. At this point, the audience knows just how bloody this movie is going to be, and we're only five minutes into the film.

This movie has a ton of things going for it, mainly the gore and bad special FX. The acting is downright ridiculous, but add to that the film is dubbed, it is just a damned riot. Riki-Oh is probably one of the best cult movies ever. It uses all the elements to make a movie enjoyable: horrible acting, average script, bad FX, and TONS of gore. I'll give it to you straight: the plot sucks. No one seems to question why prisoners are almost never in their cells, nor will I debate the basketball skills of inmates. Instead, here's a few things to know about Riki-Oh:

-If you like the silly gore of Sam Raimi's "Evil Dead" films or Peter
Jackson's "Dead Alive", this is for you.

-Heads explode.

-Eyes are knocked out.

-When injured, our hero reaches into his arms and ties the tendons together
and heals himself.

But wait, there's more ...

-Stomachs are punched through.

-Heads are lopped in half.

-Atrocious dubbing.

-People are stabbed, sliced, and mutilated.

But still, there's more!

-Have you ever seen a fist punched by another fist into oblivion?

-Have you ever seen a man ground into chopped meat?

-Have you ever seen a man use his fake eye as a mint container?

The stuff mentioned above is disgusting as hell, and this film revels in it ... as do I. Although there is a lot of martial arts pageantry and posing in Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky, you can't categorize it as a martial arts film. A motion picture must have some form of fight choreography or sparring for it to be considered a martial arts film. You cannot call Riki's ability to crush his opponent with one blow a form of martial arts--there is no choreography involved. Merely some stunt coordination comes into play (courtesy of long-time actor/martial artist Phil Kwok), along with the requisite splatter from the special effects crew. Except for an occasional questionable dummy effect, the graphic special effects are very wet and convincing. Also, keep in mind that this was the first Hong Kong movie ever to receive a "Category III" (think the Hong Kong equivalent to the U.S. NC-17 rating) rating for violence rather than sex. It's dumb, it's bloody and hilariously fun. Invite some friends over, crack open a beer if you choose so, and enjoy a good time.

Nailed

A London woman recently won the Guinness world record for longest fingernails. The 65-year old woman's nails have not been clipped since 1979, they reach 24 feet, seven inches.

This blog is going to guess that trips to the bathroom with her are very gingerly accomplished.

Best Headline of the Day at This Point

It was only a matter of time. Perhaps she'll be able to have a padded stripper pole to remind her of her yesteryears.

Google News--giving us access to headlines that most guys people wouldn't normally have.

You don't know art: foreign edition

In SG's continuing crusade to bring to you, our reader(s), news from the world of education and art, we give you a story from ... the socially repressed nation of China? Involving nudity? Wha??!!

SeriouslyGuys may not be able to accurately tell you the difference between the Mona Lisa, a painting, and the Mona Lisa, a sandwich, but we can say this: 56 year old college professors are not pieces of art.

Iron Man today, Broke Man tomorrow

Being able to go to gun show whenever you'd like? An opportunity for the ages.

I still want jet boots.

UPDATE: In other Iron Man news ....

Who doesn't love the TSA?

According to CNN, a man who wrote "Kip Hawley [Transportation Security Administration director] is an idiot" on a plastic bag holding his toiletries was detained at an airport.

Ryan Bird said he wrote it as a political statement. Bird was held for 25 minutes at a security checkpoint before he was deemed safe to fly.

In related news, the TSA has no sense of humor.

Headline of the Day Probably Written By My Girlfriend

Who really believes scientists, anyway?

Oakland's war on animals

The fight back against our animal enemies has spread to Oakland, Calif. and has taken a weird turn as well.

Residents of East Oakland found a dead, 400-pound llama abandoned in their neighborhood. The animal was covered with a tarp. Authorities are baffled as to where the animal came from, how it died or why it was abandoned in Oakland.

Though llamas are considered less of a threat than stingrays or chickens, they are still guilty of harboring ill will toward humans. And for that, they must be punished.

You know you've had a bad week when

You read your own obituary in the newspaper. What makes it even worse is that someone with the same name has claimed for decades his greatest accomplishment that was actually yours.

Then again, you do have the satisfaction of dancing on said impostor's grave.

This is what happened to the writer of the "Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini" song. Naturally, this has gotten a lot of attention from friends and family.

Key quote: "'This is not a game. I am who I am and I'm proud of who I am. But these phones don't stop with people calling thinking I'm dead.'"

Surgeons in space

A team of French doctors recently performed the first zero-gravity surgery. The surgeons removed a cyst from a man's arm as the plane they were on went in and out of zero-gravity.

Great, there's an important scientific achievement.

Drunk News: The Third Edition

First we had news of Keith Richards acting as a drunk pirate.

Then we had news of Chevy Chase performing as a drunk Mel Gibson clone.

Now we have Paris Hilton as a drunk driver.

Oh wait ... you mean she's not acting?

Why we love cops

They are just like us, they have the same interests as us and yet they lead by example. They are our ideal and they would never take advantage of our money.

Then again, if you want to find a vice cop in Hillsborough County, Florida, you may not want to check the donut shops anymore.

Chevy Chase: drunk and ranting

Here's something to look forward to this fall: Chevy Chase appearing on Law & Order as a Gibson-esque drunken celebrity who gets pulled over and goes on an anti-semetic rant.

It's official. These guys have been on the air so long they ran out of ideas.

Male organ related news of the day

-Just like The Rolling Stones, it seems that one man still may not get his satis-fact-iooooon. (Possibly may be NSFW due to technical language)

-Breaking news in Bangkok somehow involves new and wacky forms of Ukranian bed-dancing. No jokes to be made here people.

-Superman of the silver age of comics wasn't exactly a nice guy.

Coming soon: a real drunken pirate

Keith Richards seems to have located where the rum went to recently on the set of the third installment in the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise.

According to FOXNews, Richards, who makes a cameo in the movie as Capt. Jack Sparrow's father, was left alone to prepare for his big scene. We all know what that means. Richards came out of his trailer, clearly inebriated and finding it hard to maintain balance.

In order to keep him upright during the filming, director Gore Verbinski had to hold Richards by the skins.

Key quote: "'You’ve got to keep straight,' Verbinski told him.

'If you’d wanted straight, then you got the wrong man,' Richards replied huskily."

Anyone thirsty?

Do you want to re-live the 80s but don't have enough money for the drugs? Is Red Bull just not giving you the energy you need? Try Cocaine!

No, not that cocaine. Cocaine--the legal drink. It claims to be 350 percent stronger than Red Bull and other energy drinks, and the effects last for five hours.

Side effects may include: Nose bleeds, chewing of inner lip, memory loss, weight loss and friendship with Kate Moss. If any of these symptoms last for three days or more, call your doctor.

Update to You don't know art

The schoolteacher still doesn't know what "art" really is. The school trustees do hope that the new one will.

Because we're guys and we like sports

Forsooth! Yon Madden jinx strikes again!

In other news (not really), Mike Holmgren continues to enjoy eating babies with soy sauce drizzled over them. But not Fembots from Austin Powers movies.

That's too much to pay anyway

According to BBC News, Jack Neal has an unusual taste in cars. Recently, he bought a pink Nissan Figaro on eBay. His mother was not pleased.

You see, Neal is three years old.

Mailbag: Bird (flu) is the word

As some of you may already know, after our coverage yesterday of the threat chickens pose against the human race, BirdFluBreakingNews.com added us to their list of "The most Informative, interesting & controversial, Avian Flu, H5N1 Blogs."

That's right, SeriouslyGuys is now also your source for the latest for informative, interesting and controversial information on the world's impending doom--also referred to as bird flu.

Carry on, BirdFluBreakingNews.com, see you when the birds rise up against us. This blog will be the one with a shotgun in one hand and a flask in the other.

Also in the SG mailbag this week is a little note of thanks from the U.S. Pirate Party (PPUS) for mentioning them. Nbx909, of PPUS writes:

"Dear Seriously Guys,

Thank you for your interest in the Pirate Party of the United States and sorry for the delayed reply. I would like to inform you that there is going to be a big public meeting to discuss objectives, budget, positions, and etc of the US pirate party on Tuesday 26th at 6 CDT(7EDT, 23:00 zulu (UTC)) via IRC at irc.echel0n.net channel #USPirateParty or via an applet at
http://pirate-party.us/irc/index.html.

The PPUS Info team"

Please, nbx909, you are far too gracious.

Guatemalan prisons aren't so bad

According to Reuters, a Guatemalan prison was just taken over by the military after ten years of the inmates running the prison. The inmates had set up laboratories to make drugs and alcohol to sell and lived in luxurious houses. The leader, a convicted murderer, made $25,000 a month trafficking inside the prison.

Also reported was the slicing of garlic so thin that it would liquefy in the pan with just a little oil.

Mexico needs a hug

As we have covered earlier, Dog the Bounty Hunter faces charges in Mexico, because bounty hunting is illegal there (go figure). Now he said he is willing to apologize to the country to avoid extradiction.

This blog just wants him to take off the sunglasses.

Coddling animals

In a sickening example of giving comfort to the enemy, the Clearwater Marine Aquarium in Florida may give Winter, a bottlenose dolphin who lost her tail in a boating accident, a prosthetic tail.

Folks, these are dangerous and highly-overrated creatures. Keep in mind, they are not as smart as we once thought they were.

Texas Justice!

It's not a show anymore--it's real life, baby.

There's nothing more heartening than nearly a whole town working together for a single purpose ... well, except when that purpose is lynching. Which this totally wasn't! Unless violence toward pedophiles becomes the new pro-racist attitude.

Truth in advertising

Do you think a car dealership advertising a "jihad theme" for their sales is inappropriate? Ironic? All of the above?

Well, my friend, that is why you do not run a car dealership. According to Reuters, a Cincinnati car dealership is advertising "Fatwa Fridays" and giving children free swords. They even make mention of Pope Benedict XVI.

They really are iiiiiiinnnsaaaaaaannnnnneee!!!

The growing chicken threat

We've all eaten them. We've all feared getting avian flu from them, too. Now we have something else to fear: chickens with four legs. Not only do these creatures reach maturity in a matter of weeks, but they are adapting their useless wings to grow claws to attack us with! It's time we strike back, folks.

Then again, that does mean twice as many drumsticks per chicken.

The war on animals continues

A student at Virginia Commonwealth University did not exactly get the marks he wanted when he was assigned the task of making his teacher's dog famous.

Fun fact: MySpace is a great place to not only find sexual predators, it's also great to find animals to kill.

Can you hear me now?

Sadly, he never did make his $4.95 a minute. In order to make reparations on the problem, I wonder if "dirty money" was given to the guy?

Ladies and gentlemen, I'll be here all night, though I certainly won't be quitting my day job.

Also, The Best Broken English Headline at this point can be found here.

The title of oldest child goes to the weird monkey thing

3.3 million years old and she still had a bed time--when the moon god eats the half drunk sun god.

Smokers are easy

Double that sweet nicotine flavor with a yummy dose of HIV. Goes down smooth!

*Note-SG loves people of all breeds and abilities. We also enjoy possible statistical anomalies too.

Silicon Valley got yet another whole new meaning

Earlier this week, Microsoft issued a security warning for users of Internet Explorer, the reasons behind being that their browser could be hijacked.

Today, it was revealed that those hijackers may arise from visiting some of your "favorite choice" sites. Oh Internet, you're so frisky and exciting.

At this point, SG would love to offer the best way to avoid getting your computer hijacked: Firefox.

Walmart + "religion" + feet = yuck

For the record, just saying "Oh God" a lot while drooling over someone's toes doesn't make you religious. It just makes you really weird. And double yuck yuck icky-poo.

An offer many could refuse

When one thinks of Italian crime, one thinks of mob bosses, criminal geniuses and people so powerful the law no longer applies to them.

Apparently, that's not always the most accurate of assumptions.

Is it time for a 'mancation?'

While it may be a cool idea for a hotel, this blog feels the marketing is all wrong. As fun as it would be for a guy to go on vacation with his buddies, a "mancation" is out of the question. It just sounds like someone's going to be wearing chaps.

In fact, the word, "man" added to other words rarely sounds right, like manpower. Manalysis? Manscaping? Mantastic?

Panda watch

When these black-eyed monsters aren't giving birth to more of their evil kind, they're attacking human drunkards.

According to the Associated Press, Chinese tourist Zhang Xinyan drank four pitchers of beer before going to the Beijing Zoo. He then jumped into the panda pen and tried to give 6-year old panda Gu Gu a hug.

Gu Gu responded by biting Zhang in the right leg. Zhang, drunkenly defending the human race, decided to kick the panda, and got bitten on the left leg. Zhang then bit the panda in retaliation.

Key quote: "'No one ever said they would bite people,' Zhang said. 'I just wanted to touch it. I was so dizzy from the beer. I don't remember much.'"

This blog can relate. Going to a crowded, child-infested zoo is no fun unless you're hammered.

Your libido will kill you

Hold on, I think I got that wrong. Here, let try that again, "Canada to middle-aged men: your Libidus will kill you."

Hitchcock-related Story of the Day

Possible one-liners:

"Boy, that's an awfully crappy situation"

"Those poor workers ... someone's always raining on their parade"

"You got pooped on!"

That's not sugar, is it?

In Akron, Ohio a 50-year old man was found guilty of adding a little something extra to his coworkers' coffee. Relax, sit back at your desk. Take a big sip of joe. Doesn't it taste so good?

Hmmm, I bet they never thought of that storyline on "The Office."

Headline of the Day At This Point

Attention (UK) Football Association players and coaches, you might want to keep away from the chief executive for a while.

The blog continues its long war on soccer, not for the one true football, but for the cession of short shorts worn by men.

Give that man a hand!

Why not? After all, he gave one to the stripper.

Sweden: coolest country around

Sweden's recently-formed Pirate Party failed to gain one percent of the vote in a parliamentary election yesterday.

This blog be a might unsure if this be a hoax or not. So we set sail fer Wikipedia, where it seems to be true. There really be a Pirate Party in Sweden. Not only that, me hearties, but there be one in the U.S.! YAAAAARRRRRRR!

This be a glorious day, indeed. Sail on, scallywags!

Snake-related Story of the Day

Sure, Snakes on a Plane may have entered movie theaters a month ago, but the joke is not yet dead. We here at SeriouslyGuys plan on being there when the final coffin nail is driven. Might might just be holding the hammer. (WARNING: Do not attempt these metaphors at home. The prose you see here is done by trained professionals who have emergency crews standing by at all times.)

Traffic in York, Pennsylvania slowed as a 6-foot long snake hissed at passing cars. The snake then slithered under a man's car and wrapped itself around the chassis. That's right, it was SNAKES ON A CHASSIS!

Sexual marketing at its finest

But who would have thought it used in Utah?

To tell the truth, I could really go for a nude beach right now. YAAARRRGGGHHH!

Avast!

Today be Talk Like a Pirate Day. The Guys be a-wishin' ye a merry one, and be sure to pillage many a fine booty!

YARRRGGGHHH!!!

Attention heterosexual NYC men

It seems one in 10 of you are in denial. This blog has long had a wary eye on you for ages.

Penis--there, we said it

A man in China lost his penis in an unnamed accident. Ouch. But then he had the world's first sex organ transplant. Two weeks later, he gave it back?

Who would have thought?

Here's a story we're sure to see again some day.

Key quote: "'When the door was opened and the trooper began to speak to the driver, he smelled the strong odor of marijuana,' the news release said."

From the things this blog has heard about Willie Nelson's bus, that's putting it lightly.

Karmic news of last week

What goes around, comes around.

Who do voodoo?

The witchdoctor says to forget doing voodoo and instead do a hedgehog.

Curse those witchdoctors! They've struck again!

Straight to the moon, Alice!

Isn't Russia just grand? Oh look, they're trying to patch up differences between Iran and America!

MasterChugs Theater: "The Seven Samurai"

Let me preface this review by saying this: The Seven Samurai is my favorite movie of all time. You have been warned.

"A truly good movie is really enjoyable, too. There's nothing complicated about it. A truly good movie is interesting and easy to understand." -Akira Kurosawa

Judging by his own standard, Kurosawa has not just made a truly good movie, but a truly incredible one that's an amazing accomplishment on so many levels that it fairly exhausts superlatives. Hyperbole itself cannot even begin to describe the excellence of it. Fully deserving of its vaunted reputation as one of the all-time greatest films, The Seven Samurai is an honest to true, genuine article epic—and, admittedly, an epic undertaking to watch in its near three and a half hour running length. Such are Kurosawa's gifts for narrative, tone, character development, and pacing, however, that his transcendently beautiful and action-packed reinvention of the traditional Japanese samurai film holds you rapt from start to finish. Credited by many as the first modern action movie, this is the finest form of craftmanship that can be found.

Three years after his 1951 classic Rashomon received an honorary Academy Award, Kurosawa holed up with his screenwriting partners, Shinobu Hashimoto and Hideo Oguni, to write The Seven Samurai, which takes place in 16th-century Japan—a turbulent, lawless period of constant civil war between feuding warlords. Violent anarchy reigns, as bandits routinely terrorize peasant farmers who can do little but stand by helplessly as bandits take their food, rape their women, and burn their villages. But one young peasant, Rikichi, refuses to accept that "the farmers' only choice is to endure." With the blessing of the village's wise elder, he and two other farmers set out to hire "hungry samurai" to protect them from the bandits, who will return for the next barley harvest.

Although they can only provide rice as payment, Rikichi and the others eventually meet Kambei, a middle-aged ronin, i.e. a samurai not bound to a warlord, whose dexterity with the sword is matched by his integrity. Passionately committed to the samurai ideals of honor, loyalty, and responsibility, Kambei assembles an eclectic team of ronin of varying ages, skills, and temperaments. Gorobei is Kambei's reliable, self-effacing longtime friend; Katsushiro is young, inexperienced, and eager to prove himself; and Kyuzo is the archetypal zen master: quiet and measured, yet lethal with his sword. Along with the wisecracking Heihachi and the steady Shichiroji, the ronin make their way to the village, trailed by the volatile, fearless Kikuchiyo, portrayed excellently by Toshiro Mifune, who effectively makes himself part of the team, whether they like it or not. After a nervous reception from the villagers, the seven samurai begin preparing for the first of several battles with the marauding bandits. The story's complications arise from the social and class differences between samurai and farmer, and these tensions play themselves out over the course of the movie. As the samurai turn the village into a fortress and form its denizens into an army, it's left to Kambei (Takashi Shimura), the samurais' leader, to maintain order between the two clans as they (and we) await the return of the brigands. Kambei's task is made no easier by the volatile personalities surrounding him. Kikuchiyo (Toshiro Mifune), a besotted pretender to samurai status, is secretly goaded by the rage and shame of being a farmer's son. The farmer Rikichi (Yoshio Tsuchiya) is a young firebrand whose temper is constantly stoked by the memory of a wife snatched away from him by the bandits. Katsushiro (Isao Kimura), the youngest of the samurai, is tentatively accepted into the group as Kambei's apprentice, but his rawness leads him into an affair with one of the village's girls that threatens the group's stability.

Kurosawa's painterly eye towards composition informs every shimmering, precisely rendered black-and-white frame of The Seven Samurai, which visually evokes both the Japanese wood carvings and the works of French Impressionists, like Cezanne, whom the filmmaker has cited as influence before. Aided by his longtime cinematographer Asakazu Nakai, Kurosawa creates a visual palette that shifts from images of pastoral lyricism to harsh, gritty realism for the spectacular action scenes—especially the rain-soaked finale. Kurosawa's multifaceted story is matched by his complex visual style. The Seven Samurai uses deep focus in ways that make Citizen Kane look dramatically inert, with up to three and four layers of equally emphasized activity receding into the frame, and sometimes even jutting out in front of it. (The foreground is often perforated by the tips of bamboo spears, captured in such sharp focus that they look ready to poke us in the eye.) The movie's group compositions throw character information like confetti at the viewer, with the samurai and farmers responding to events, not in generalized expressions of emotion, but as individuals. Most of all, The Seven Samurai is a movie that moves. It's dynamic, in more ways than one. Kurosawa whisks from scene to scene with a series of elegant wipes, and the script's ruthless excision of expository dialogue never lets us get impatient. The movie contains so many visual treasures that Kurosawa can afford to gloss over some of them: at the climax of a raid on the bandits' hideout, he cuts away from three eye-popping shots of the burning cabins so quickly that their effect is nearly subliminal.

No review of The Seven Samurai should be without mention of the hyperactive Mifune takes command of the screen as the team's proverbial "wild card." He's an electric, scene-stealing presence, yet he never overwhelms his costars, who each register vividly, as does Keiko Tsushima as Shino, the farmer's daughter involved with Katsushiro.

In 1969's The Wild Bunch, Sam Peckinpah would extend Kurosawa's use of slow-motion, rapid cutting, and telephoto lenses to develop a type of battle scene that not only drew viewers into the action but made them aware of the emotions being released in them by the violence. Beyond that, though, action film directors have shied away from the example of The Seven Samurai, as if they think it gauche or dangerous to inflame audiences to a state of such sensuous excitation. A clean, well-lit American remake of The Seven Samurai was released in 1960 as The Magnificent Seven, and a comparison of no two other films could be more revealing of the difference between greatness and excellence. But John Sturges, who directed The Magnificent Seven, was no guiltier of ignoring the possibilities of the action film than any of today's filmmakers are. As we face time after time of movies that advertise "thrills and chills" (as empty as their promises may be), it's worth remembering that Akira Kurosawa once captured the convulsive feeling of being alive and crammed it inside of a movie. The world suffered a great loss when Akira Kurosawa passed away just a week from this past Wednesday in 1998.

The dog-faced mullet has been penned

Mexico--continuing to amaze people, this time by being the only country that doesn't allow bounty hunting.

A new take on "iron grip"

I wonder if she gets discounts on oil changes?

By the way, I'd like to point out the last sentence in the article for awesomeness.

WWJD: What would Jesus drink?

An ad campaign for the U.K.'s churches is creating some controversy with an ad featuring Jesus' face on a pint glass. This blog sees no reason for debate, Jesus was a big fan of booze. Ever drink wine in church? That's his blood. He even has his own brand of whiskey (see: Holy Spirits). This blog has found Jesus at the bottom of a glass numerous times in a night and most likely will again.

He kind of looks like Don Quixote in that picture, anyway.

Action-packed Headline of the Day at this point

U.S. scientists have mapped a tree's DNA code. This has the makings of a verrrrrry slow news day.

Next up: Spinach can give you the runs.

CSI: NY finds a corpse

If it happens on a spin-off of a spin-off, is it bad art imitating life? How does this even get categorized. And what The Who song was playing when they found it?

Chaos reigns in space

Note: the origin of the name for the newest "dwarf planet" should not be connected to how the International Astronomical Union operates.

At all.

Without a doubt.

Clearly.

World to spammers

Don't be this guy. Stop using our Internet like a dump truck.

Understating Headline of the Day at this point

This classy lady also told Matt Lauer, "He wanted some and I gave him some."

SeriouslyGuys: Your source for bluntness in the news.

Helpful tip for models

This blog, and others, would like you to know that being able to see your spleen is not exactly the definition of sexy. Now, in order to seal the rift between "stick women" and internet geeks, this blogger would personally like to buy a cheeseburger and milkshake for each of the banned models*.



*Offer void where prohibited. Get off of the cocaine, you stick women.

Helpful tip for immigrants

Don't like the climate and ridiculous attitude taken toward you by so-called "patriots" of this country? New Zealand's always hiring.

New Zealand-still trying to win over this blog with their crazy antics. Let the wacky hi-jinx ensue.

Helpful tip for pornographers

Always make sure to make copies of those release forms. Right, Joe?

It's raining poultry

Sometimes this blog has to wonder why seemingly unrelated stories with similar outcomes surface at the same time. Then there are times when this blog simply says, "cool," and posts them.

In Texas, nothing spoils a city festival like pigeons nose-driving into the pavement. Luckily, Texans are full of can-do attitude and turned the festival into a city-wide barbecue.

In Calgary (which, this blog believes, is located in Canada), chicken feet and other parts are landing all over a neighborhood. The citizens, while suspected Canadians, are understandably upset.

Key quote: "'The magpies think it's a free-for-all. They fly over Ramsay and they drop them on the ground. Then I come home and I shake my fist.'"

(Last one courtesy of DB)

Helpful tip for ladies

Wanna boost a guy's ego? Tell him that he's so good that he causes airplane flights to be diverted.

Helpful tip for guys

You know how difficult it is to take off a bra? So do we. We hate when the underwire starts digging into your chest and when the straps are too tight, also.

Oh, wait.

The world record for unsnapping bras in one minute was recently beaten.

All thumbs--er, toes

A 14-year old in New Jersey has had a toe removed from his foot and placed on his hand where his thumb would be. Apparently, the kid lost his thumb and two fingers in a fireworks accident.

Key quote: "Zach got his first look at his new thumb, and decided it was 'cool.'"

What'choo gonna do when the fire comes for YOU?!

You'll burn, that's what. Good thing it wasn't the Hulkmobile.

Kids' Corner: sometimes kids get depressed, too

Sometimes, The Guys must take a stand. Seriously.

This is one of those times.

Experts are warning that "children are being deprived of the right to grow up at their own pace by a combination of advertising, junk food, pressures at school and TV and video games."

We are appalled. Shame on you, corporate America. Shame on you for tugging the heart- and pursestrings of America's youth.

In response, we are starting a new section, just for kids. It's the SeriouslyGuys Kids' Corner (no grown-ups allowed--except us, of course).

It's hard to be a kid. Adults never understand because they're busy eating Burger King and staying up later than you. They don't notice that you get depressed sometimes, especially because television and school is making you grow up faster than you deserve.

Fortunately, there's one way to stay young: smoking.

It's cool and refreshing like a menthol. And it gets rid of all that depression from Pac-Man, homework and House.

It's not for adults, either. Old people get cancer and die. You're young and indestructible. Why, here's a list of famous people you love who smoke:

Huckleberry Finn
Bart Simpson
Johnny Depp
Dennis Leary (Is it safe to smoke? C'mon, c'mon!)
Keifer Sutherland
Ryan Adams
Krusty the Klown
Popeye
Every single pirate in Waterworld
Solid Snake
Wolverine (aka: Logan, aka: Weapon X)

Notice something about that list? Every single one of them is real and important to you (except Keifer).

So do something that lets all those grumpy adults know you're a kid, and they can't make you grow up: smoke.

(SeriouslyGuys Kids' Corner is sponsored by Philip Morris and RJ Reynolds.)

Misleading Headline of the Year nominee

This blog has been calling it for years.

Stingrays: Us vs. them

Let's face it, animals are stupid, they're mean and they're out to get us. Just look at the matyrdom of Steve Irwin last week. A seemingly defenseless stingray lulled Irwin into a sense of security, then struck him fatally.

Now, it seems Australians have answered this call to arms and are taking the fight to the seas.

Like your porn really dirty?

It just got dirtier. I personally tend to view New Jersey as the middle child of the United States--it just wants a little bit of attention, but frankly, no one cares about it or likes the state, including its own family.

Update to Tips for residents of Snyder

Looks like the monarchy decided to call it quits.

I got it from you, dad

A recent study showed baby boomers are using more recreational drugs than they were years earlier.

Baby boomers across the country would not comment. They simply giggled and munched on their Fritos.

And now for something completely different

Last night I saw something mind-boggling on television. It wasn't some animal attack show or anything, it was much worse.

Some of you may have seen the commercials for Koppel on Discovery, a brand new news feature show with Ted Koppel. It made its debut on the Discovery Channel last night. The topic was a very sensitive one: the balance of national security and personal rights.

Obviously, a very intriguing and serious show. There was only one problem. The show that came before it, or "lead-in" was MythBusters.

While one of my favorite shows on the channel, I was dumbstruck by the transition. One minute, the MythBusters were creating a column of methane-filled soap bubbles then lighting it on fire, laughing as a fireball roared over their heads, the next was Koppel talking about detainees in Guantanamo Bay.

You gotta love variety.

MasterChugs Theater: 'Beerfest'

Beerfest starts out with a disclaimer warning the audience not to try this it at home. Why is this? Because you'll die, that's why. They have a point. Imitating the actions of the characters, or even build a drinking game behind this maddeningly uproarious, sud-soaked comedy aimed straight at the frat boy set (or just about anyone that likes to laugh), is to invite mortal peril, or at least a ridiculously bad hangover. With that in mind, let us please neglect to point out that this movie reviewer goes by the name of "Chugs."

Beerfest, the Broken Lizard Comedy Troupe's first film for Warner Brothers, is probably their most accessible yet. The jokes come fast and furious (but not 2 Fast, 2 Furious) and with a broader attack, many of which hit the mark and undoubtedly many which will really sink in on the second, third or fiftieth viewing. As is the case for Broken Lizard films, the movie gets better with repeat viewings both for seeing how others react to your favorite jokes, but also because these are packed with so many of them. It's impossible for them all to connect the first time around. It's bad form to expose them in a review, so I'll just say that there's plenty of quotable lines, moments of slapstick, sight gags, and fun stuff galore to please not only the initiated but new viewers as well. It's a very fun movie, one with some scattershot aspirations but a nice complement to the other great comedies of the year, primarily Talladega Nights: The Legend of Ricky Bobby and Thank You For Smoking. It is by definition a party movie of the highest order and will undoubtedly teach as many existing drinking games to the people as it does create new ones. "Drink every time Bobo (or is it Popo?) the German puppet is seen or referenced." "Drink every time one of the German team guys steals the show." "Drink every time someone else drinks."

Scratch that last one. As warned in the film's opening crawl, you will die. Beerfest Clan ain't nuttin' ta F' wit'.

How's this brouhaha (oral pun intended) set up? Brothers Todd (Erik Stolhanske) and Jan Wolfhouse (Paul Soter) travel to Germany's Oktoberfest to spread their grandfather's ashes, only to discover that the festival hides a secret. Happening at the same time is an ancient, secret competition, a kind of alcohol Olympics: Beerfest. Think of it as like the Laughalympics, but with more beer, less Blue Falcon, and more Dick Dastardly. Todd and Jan, who pride themselves on both their drinking and drinking gamesmanship, are at first delighted and fascinated, but then horrified when they meet the reigning champs, the Von Wolfhausens, their Deutschland based relatives.

The Germans insult their American kinfolk, mock their grandfather, and debase the reputation of the boys' beloved Great Gam Gam (Cloris Leachman). It's a challenge that's not to be taken lying down, and they return home feeling determined to win the next Beerfest. Gathering together old drinking pals, science nerd Fink (Steve Lemme), chug-aholic Landfill (Kevin Heffernan), and the unsettled Barry Badrinath (Beerfest director Jay Chandrasekhar), they plan on spending the next 12 months in heavy training. But it's a year filled with questions: Did their grandfather really swipe the recipe for the world's best beer? Just how did Great Gam Gam earn a living back in Germany? Can Landfill drink to success (and excess) and remain married? What of Fink's experiments with frogs? Is Barry really so troubled by his dark past that he can no longer play beer pong (but plays a mean game of quarters)? And what is the secret to winning the most difficult competition of all, "Das Boot?"

Sound silly and more than a bit crazy? It is, and god does it ever work. It is also ribald, outrageous, shameless, and oddly warmhearted. The comedy troupe is willing to try anything, almost throwing jokes out there just to see if they'll stick. They get away with more than they should, probably, coasting on their own charm and in the stroke of genius that led them to cast Leachman as Great Gam Gam and Jurgen Prochnow as the evil Baron Wolfgang von Wolfhausen.

Classic stuff. Stuff that grows on you. Stuff that makes its way into heavy DVD rotation. Remember how you kept playing Super Troopers over and over, despite having seen it three times already? Prepare for the sequel (at least, in spirit). It goes down smooth, with a fine caramel-citrus taste.

9 late night, full price pitchers out of 10, along with a puked on sidewalk.

Attention Cat Stevens fans

Still waiting for that follow-up album? Can you even name a Cat Stevens song? The 30-year wait for more material is nearly over. Yusuf Islam, the Islamic convert formerly Cat Stevens, plans to release a comeback album.

Just remember, the man who once sang "Peace Train" is still on the federal government's no-fly list. He is still, clearly, a threat to the civilized world and will undoubtedly unleash pain on the world with more of his songs.

You've been warned.

Porn takes a back seat to business

International business, e-commerce, and porn news all in one? And it's worksafe news? Who would've thought it possible?

And yes, there was a definitely a pun intended in the headline.

That's a lot of singles to hand out

Who knew Guinness even recorded stuff like this?

With liberty and prostitution for all!

Romania to the world: "Keep your STD's out of our country. We'll cultivate our own batch, thank you."

Misleading Headline of the Day

The price of gas isn't the only thing going up these days.

Headline of the Day At This Point

In both the world of sexual harassment and rejection, no means no.

Rich bartender update

Cindy Keinow, the Applebee's bartender in Kansas who got a $10,000 received her money after it turned out to be the real deal. The down side is she only got $6,300 after taxes.

For those of you playing along at home, that means taxes take away 37 percent of your income.

It's all your fault

China to office women: start dressing more frumpy to avoid causing your male coworkers to sexually harass you.

Geez! We thought you knew already!

It's oh so hot outside

Just when you thought the serial tickler was the epitome of fear and callousness among the lawbreakers of America, beware ... the serial streaker strikes!

NFL fun

The NFL has by far the most exciting off-field news and has held its grip on that title for years. When the players aren't getting hit by cars or shot, their coaches are being arrested for driving nude.

That is one crime this blog has never thought of, nor will it ever try this time of year. The seats in the car are just too hot this time of year.

Tip for residents of Snyder, Oklahoma

You might want to stay away from the police chief right now. He could get a little grouchy. And don't make any jokes about his wife.

(Caution: SFW, but disgusting)

DUI is so hot

According to Hollywood, it's in this year to be in court. Following in the trend set by Mel "The Jews Cause All The Wars" Gibson and Haley "Joel" Osment, Paris Hilton was arrested early this morning for driving under the influence.

Word on the street is she had been watching "The Simple Life" and did a shot every time she said something stupid.

Hungry? Why wait?

Grab a Snickers.

And then you better pay it back, factoring in interest, inflation and lost related business where the person would've bought something else to go with that candy they stole, you candy-stealing thief.

Dancing instructors

They just might be the most judgemental people you know. In this blog's humble opinion, it would not be worth the trouble to call a well-fed person fat if you were teaching them how to dance. Fat people dancing is one of nature's finest comedies, right after The Fart.

This story also wins Final Sentence in a Story of the Day, as well.

(Via Chris Brooks)

Iran plans to give Bush AIDS

This is a SeriouslyGuys exclusive story. Iran announced yesterday that they have "made a medical breakthrough with a formula to control symptoms of AIDS."

Then today, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad suggested "that anyone who refused to accept an invitation would suffer a bad fate."

Mr. President, we know you're reading this. Stay away from Iranian women.

That is all. Resume living your red-blooded American lives.

Hate your job?

Try riding a train. Maybe you can make that Metro or Marta ride that much better.

Mr. August and your children

Remember the Saved by the Bell episode where Zack created the calendar using the Bayside Swim Team and then sold it in the school store?

This story is exactly like that...except swap out "Bayside Swim Team" with "human equivalent to Superintendent Chalmers from The Simpsons."

Iowa--proving once again that it's a state that's more than ... ummm ... just known for being a state.

Witch doctors make house calls

This blog took a stand against witch doctors last month. They are just another example of socialized healthcare run amok. For nearly a month, our blasting of tribal healers kept the witching medical community quiet for nearly a month.

Now, it seems they are back. Political leaders in Zimbabwe must be under some sort of spell, because they are allowing witch doctors to give patients official sick days.

"Sorry boss, I can't come in today. My head is shrunken and my witch doctor said I need to feast on crocodile liver boiled in newt's blood."

This blog will not stand for this or any other ting tang walla walla bing bang.

That's one way to get stronger drinks

Are you tired of slaving all day at your job, working for a boss who doesn't appreciate you while your coworkers all thing you're a jerk? Do you think you are underpaid and believe there's something better out there for you?

Then quit your job and become a bartender.

This helpful career pointer brought to you by SeriouslyGuys.

The Castro diet

Want to lose over 40 pounds in a few weeks?

Fidel Castro says: "El Trimspa, niño!"

Is it Monday yet?

It's time once again for What Would You Choose? The game where SG puts you in the action.

You're an assistant coach of a youth football team in California, you see one of your players on the receiving end of a late hit. What do you do?

A) Petition the referee for some sort of penalization to the other team for their obvious infraction.
B) Throw a chair or two to display your feelings toward the call, keeping in mind you don't want to over-do it, as it is a youth game.
C) One late hit deserves another right? Rush the field and clock the player who hit your player, starting a 20-minute brawl between parents and coaches and results in your arrest.

The answer is C. Who cares about charges? The first charge should have been a loss of yards for that late hit!

SeriouslyGuys to vote Hillary '08

This blog is hesitant to throw around its sweeping political influence, especially this early. However, Janet Jackson announced that she supports Hillary Clinton for President of these here United States of America.

The Jacksons, who have no political aspirations because they couldn't get elected without killing Little Michael, have always been our moral compas.

We frowned on numbers and letters (tools of the devil!) until 1970, when the Jackson 5 released "ABC." Now look at us!

We refused to masturbate (activity of the devil!) until Little Michael (all grownsed-up) released his 1983 hit, "Beat It." "Beat It" also taught us that Eddie Van Halen is not mortal.

That same year, we finally embraced zombies when we saw the video for "Thriller." Now we dance with zombies and bite our girlfriends.

We finally embraced other races and ethnicities in 1991 when Michael took one for the team and became a white girl. Speaking of which, isn't it a little curious that the Jackson 5 disappeared?

We finally conceded that breasts are okay in 2004 when Janet Jackson bared one to Super Bowl viewers in an attempt to feed Justin Timberlake. Well, the Go-Daddy.com girl helped (who will soon host www.seriouslyguys.com!).

And now, here we are in 2006. If the Jacksons support Hillary, then so do The Guys. Seriously.

Steve Irwin, we hardly knew ye

I remember when I first heard about Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter. It had to have been sometime in the mid-1990s. A friend said to me, "You've got to check out this crazy Australian guy. ..."

My friend tried to explain to me why I needed to and why "this guy" was so crazy, but he didn't do a very good job of it. But sure enough, I got around to watching that new show Crocodile Hunter and I saw what they were talking about, even though the guy wasn't actually hunting crocodiles, just socializing with them.

Irwin loved animals so much he went nutso around them and damn near got himself eaten every time he held one up for the camera. What's not to love about a show like that?

I must admit that I did not watch his shows as often after the first year or so. One can only watch crazy so many times and be let down by the end. I never even got to see his movie, which came out in 2002. I was probably one of the few who thought it looked good--stupid, but good.

I first heard the news of Iwrin's death in the oddest of places: the inside of an elevator of a parking garage. As the door closed to the elevator in Silver Spring, MD (coincidentally, the home of Discovery Channel's headquarters), I saw someone had scribbled "RIP Steve Irwin." I figured it was a joke of some sort until I found out later it was not.

Crikey.

Getting stung in the heart by a stingray is no way to go. Getting trampled by a herd of buffalo, or eaten by a much-beloved crocodile--that's the way to go.

So on behalf of SeriouslyGuys, I say, good on ya, mate.

Why couldn't it have been Jeff Corwin?

See you Tuesday

The Guys are off for the weekend. They'll be back September 5.