A whole lotta shakin' going on

Actually, given the magnitude of what happened, it's not even really enough to mash potatoes.

THE CROPS ARE SAVED! HUZZAH! IDAHO'S ECONOMIC LIFEBLOOD SURVIVES YET AGAIN!

Dr. Jackson and Mr. Hyde

Ever wonder what happened to the Michael Jackson that fistfought gangs, destroyed public property and battled paternity claims?

He's apparently moved on to Enron-esque corporate crime.

He's bad!

No cure for you

Conservatives are waging a new war on abstracts: cancer cures for 11 to 12 year old girls.

Key quote: "'This is not a communicable disease that would keep kids out of school like mumps or rubella,' said Gerald Tirozzi, executive director of the National Assn. of Secondary School Principals, whose members include middle school and high school administrators" [emphasis mine].

Ominous Headline of the Day

Those NASA guys really are all doom and gloom, aren't they?

The Scurry to the White House 2008

It's never too early to start campaigning, even for a not-so-crazy guy whose only government office was Village Trustee in Garrett, Illinois.

Curses

They found me.

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Eddie's dead

The dog, that is. Of course, so has been the career of Mr. Murphy. Transvestite hookers will get ya every time!

World Cup update

In China, soccer really is the hottest game around.

Smell you later

And this blog really means it, stinky.

Hope you've eaten your breakfast

Because it's about to come back up again.

Sophomoric Headline of the Day

Guaranteed to leave any middle school civics class (and this blog) in stitches.

The Amish mob

You know how these mob guys are. They'll just keep running their rackets until they own the town.

And how low on the totem pole do you have to go to be an undercover agent in an milk sting?

World Cup update

Germany is running out of beer. This cannot bode well for the German team.

Are they even still in the tournament?

Make up your mind America update

It would appear to all be a part of the "hidden agenda".

Kiwi brothel is a booming bust

Pimps up ... profits down.

Ancient Australian secret

How else would one collect dingo urine?

Attention pimps

Sen. Charles Grassley is going to make you his bitch. As if it wasn't hard out here for you guys already.

Warriors ... come out and poooooooooose

New Orleans has a drag queen gang. That in itself is enough of a punchline.

The head of the suspects was almostsortofkindofmaybe quoted as saying "I'm the Rupaul of this place!"

One down...

Four to go.

Hard news

Let's just say that this guy's name makes making a joke about this too easy.

Optimistic Headline of the Day

The smile squad at NASA does it again.

New road rage weapon

Is it an attack, or is it a neighborly attempt at a high-speed car wash?

Proof Guns N' Roses really does bite

Axl Rose is hungry. Yeah, sorry about that pun in the headline.

Key quote: "He was deemed too intoxicated to be questioned right away."

But what about only-children?

What aren't Bobby Brady and Chris Partridge telling us?

Judge strikes back at the 80s

Boy George: I could, you know, put on a show. I'm a performer.

Judge: Yeah, I know. You know what would be super? Just rake some leaves.

Forecast: Africa to invade the U.S. again

With SARS, Mad Cow, Bird Flu, and this, our entire nation will probably be dead by the end of August. Approximately.

Washington, D.Sea

SeriouslyGuys has contributors spanning from eastern shore of Maryland to the dismal swamps burning crosses sun-drenched lakes of Alabama. We're nationwide.

Last night the D.C. area saw a rainfall nearly five times the century-standing record. Yours truly was in D.C. when it happened. Downed trees, mudslides and runoff on the sidewalks were all commonplace. The highlight was seeing a new Lexus attempt to cross standing water in one of those mini tunnels they have at some intersections.

Let's just say the Lexus got the Katrina treatment.

UPDATE: Here's an example.

PornoCon 2006!

I'm agnostic, but I strangely get a mental image of anyone looking back after leaving turning into salt. Or KY.

Key quote of the moment: "Christian groups are expected to picket the convention, with one group planning to distribute several thousand "Jesus Loves Porn Stars" Bibles."

Anyone that attends this event and gets me one of these bibles shall be financially rewarded for their efforts. No lie.

Your daily dose of self-delusion

What will that zany guy come up with next?

My personal guess: "WMD ... Weapons of Mass Destruction? Me? No no no. I thought you meant 'Weapons of Mass Deliciousness.' Yes, cookies for all the children."

Burn one if you got 'em

Thanks to some guy's daddy issues, we may get a brand-spankin-new amendment to the Constitution.

Key quote: Mr. Wheeler says his father, a World War II veteran, would make him stand and sing 'The Star-Spangled Banner' when the U.S. flag appeared as a test pattern after television broadcasts ended for the night [emphasis mine].

Emo news of the day

Go find a shoulder to cry on. Oh, that's right, you don't have any friends.

UPDATE: Maryland, where even the politicians are depressed.

Still planning that vacation?

Here at SeriouslyGuys, when nudists compete, you win.

World Cup

For those of you who have not heard the news, the U.S. lost to Ghana yesterday, thus eliminating the team from the 2006 World Cup. Americans just don't care about the game. There is no mourning going on nationwide.

The rest of the world, however, is very into the game of soccer, or "football"--what a silly word. In any case, the world is going nuts, and will probably continue to go nuts. We present to you the first in what will most likely be an ongoing series of examples of soccer madness:

Urinals in Leipzig, Germany--GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAL!!!

For those who enjoy wide lenses

In Soviet Disney, you don't moon camera, camera moons you!

AOL Customer Service-Caught on tape

Catch the special report done by someone other than SeriouslyGuys tonight at 11!

The passion of migraines and magnets

Good news: no more migraines.

Bad news: magnets will probably cause brain tumors.

Indifferent news: migraines improve your sex drive.

I have no idea what to think.

Good news for partygoers

The keg line is putting in more lanes. Next they need a commuter line.

Not for the faint-hearted

Hey! Check out Bill Frist's boobs! They're spectacular.

Trippiest Headline of the Day

They told me those drugs I did in college wouldn't affect me now.

What the world needs now

The world loves a bad boy: Christian Slater in Heathers, Russell "Can you hear me now?!" Crowe and--of course--Kim Jong Il.

Oh those open-minded politicians

Maybe we can classify bad legislation as a mental disorder as well.

Guess Cubans are tightly wound...

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban has always been outspoken, but this headline makes it sound like the NBA is out for genocide.

Buckle up for evacuation

In this day and age, if you're the bearer of military-themed fashionable clothing accessories, you might want to travel by bus or train instead of the friendly skies.

Citizens of Bridgeport, Connecticut

Ever wonder how your mayor gets so much done in a day?

Alliterative Headline of the Day

Nothing is more poetic than dead children.

Breaking dietary news

Is it a slow news day or what?

Later today on Forbes.com, how often should you water your plants?

Save Screech's house

Too bad that the shirt kind of bites.

Great! Thanks Poland!

Taking a swim in Poland just became 30% hygenically cleaner.

SG in-joke: We definitely know someone that does NOT need to be taking a dip there.

Great, thanks Norwegians

Now they've gone and jinxed the entire world.

Interesting side note: this blog snickers at the term "seed bank."

Coming Soon: Snakes in an Apartment

They're already done with Samuel L. Jackson, now they're after our nation's kittens.

Key quote: "When I picked it up with my gloves, it started wrapping around my arm, and I was like, 'Oohhh, that's a strong snake.'"

Road rage off and on the road

How to get a-head in life: crash into a pick-up truck. *rimshot*

Creative Proposing update

The naked Romeo might be getting hitched.

Geeks confused with no Harry Potter movie in theaters

Just when you think people only emulate good movies.

It also raises an interesting dialogue.

Street Racer: We're taking it to the streets, man!

Me: ... it?

Street Racer: You know--it! Fast and furiously!

Me: Okay, watch out for cops. Or Republicans. Whatever you're taking.

Katrina lap dance update

Hooters feels bad for selling champagne to FEMA card holders.

Video game weaponry takes another dip into real life

The big question is if the D.o.D. will consider a soldier worth the cost.

We've got snakes in this comic!

The internet sensation will hit newstands (or comic shops) in August. The real reason for the report? It almost verifies the greatest line in cinema history to hit screens.

Foreskin or agin it

We should vote on this like "American Idol." Is it any different, really?

Misleading Headline of the Day

What is it with superheroes these days?

Makes sense, considering Toby Maguire can’t keep his mask on in the movies.

Creative method of proposing

Run around your neighborhood naked. That's only the beginning of the fun.

Make up your mind America

Is he gay or a Christianity-based messiah analogy?

Note: the picture makes him totally look like he's standing at a urinal.

Lap dances for Katrina victims

FEMA, it's everywhere you want to be.

Book Title of the Day

Guys: If you see a woman reading this book, run.

Uwe Boll--taking the fight to his critics

QT, I'd watch out if I were you. Boll's got one mean right hook. It's called Uwe's "Why the hell did you ever think of editing in random shots of a video game at the worst times possible for no damn reason in your crap called House of the Dead?" right hook.

Sticking with the cancer-fighting drinks

After you're done fighting cancer with beer, sober up with some coffee. It can fight alcoholic liver disease.

(Thanks Chris B.)

Beer is good for you

Although we SGites already knew it, the proof is once again in print.

Thuperman

Just when you think the hype factory has exploited every possible angle, someone finds another one.

Pimp my ride for dummies

A news bite that's nearly a week old, but the relevance is still there: this is not the kind of stuff that I need to deal with to keep me busy at work.

Scariest high school in the US

And it ain’t in Compton, amazingly.

This also further proves that tigers are not to be trusted with children.

Misleading Headline of the Day, Part II

First bears, now tigers?

The animal kingdom must be controlled with rampant oil drilling and unchecked deforestation. It's us or them, people.

My cult is faster than yours

I wonder if they will tap Tom Cruise (circa Days of Thunder, of course) to be the driver.

Misleading Headline of the Day

Expect the video on the Internet by August.

Florida, the Mongol Warlord capital of the world

Sure, he can ride a horse, but can he slaughter his enemies, feast on their remains, rape and ravage their women, pillage their tribes, and still get married at the age of 12?

Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha

It is my extreme pleasure to present the Headline of the Day.

My greatest fear remains explosive illness while stuck in traffic.

Happy End of the World Day!

Emoooooooooooooooooooo.

DC drivers

They're no longer the worst in the country. Rhode Islanders are, but that's because they mostly walk everywhere.

Fun fact: 18 million drivers might be unsafe to drive.

It's the most wonderful time of the year

From all of us here at SG, happy 6/6/06. The blog encourages you to go out and bathe in goat's blood. Cheers!

America obsesses over gay marriage ... again

Congress once again wisely uses our time and tax dollars on the issue most affecting our daily lives: keeping gays and lesbians from getting hitched.

So long as nobody is getting social security in thirty years, can afford gas for a family sedan, or will survive the next hurricane to hit a metropolitan area, I congratulate the GOP for keeping their finger on the pulse of America.

The media’s right on top of it too: almost 1000 articles!

This is the greatest publicity ever

I bet that the pilot's true initials are S, L, and J. And I bet that he talks LIKE THIS BECAUSE THAT'S ALWAYS HOW HE TALKS! HAVEN'T YOU EVER SEEN HIS MOVIES??!!

A discovery most fowl

A memorial will be held for that gallant duck over at "Richeleu's Bucket O' Chicken Shack".

Oh yes...ahem: AFLAC!

Aliens are among us

If this is anything like "War of the Worlds", then I refuse to serve our alien warlords(though I'll gladly give them Tom Cruise); however, if they're more of a "Beach Babes from Beyond" type, then I'll eagerly serve them.

The world desperately needs more Don Swayze.

Fox continues to bring hits to U.S. households

Anger issues, lives at home with mother, and is a Taylor Hicks fan: ladies, get this primo catch now while you can!

Those government bastards

Trying to keep American citizens away from playgrounds.