Does whatever a spider says

Our animal foes are no strangers to the most dastardly of battle plans. They have been known to strike at civilians, even children, when least expecting. But now they have taken things one step further: mind control.

An Australian man was bitten by a spider, which did not give him superpowers, in fact, it gave him an illness. That illness, the man said, led him to rape a woman. The courts didn't buy it, and the man was convicted. Keep this in mind, everyone: the spider bite defense no longer works. We need better legal president to deal with this new threat. Where is John Peter Zenger when you need him?

What? A story involving rape can't be funny? References too obscure?

Things not to do in Australia

-Swim with Box Jellyfish.

-Go searching for Taipans.

-Try to pick up the language of the locals.

-Attempt to correctly use a boomerang.

-Malign rugby.

-Show off the number of teeth that you have to the locals in comparison to them.

-Crush beer cans between your breasts while at the bar.

WoW, that's a lot of wild pigs!

Attention, MMORPG gamers: this is your chance to do something worthwhile.

Westfall (a.k.a. Australia) needs your help!

The outback is plagued by an out of control feral pig population. We'd do it ourselves, but we're in America and don't speak Australian. (We barely passed it in high school.)

Perhaps you could do your part in the open hunting spree. The wild pigs are diseased, so don't eat the remains or feed them to your pets. Hunters, we're looking in your direction.

The Australian Outback is due southwest of Hawaii, between New Zealand, Antartica and Papua/New Guinea. If you don't feel like swimming, you can catch the boat at Pearl Harbor.

Objectives:

Kill 200 diseased feral pigs.

Rewards:

1 gold 25 silver

Choose one:

[Spotted boar-hide cloak]
[Boar-mauler gauntlets]

Slow News Day Story of the Day

It's a sad day, everyone. The Wiggles are now touring without one of their members, who left because of health reasons. Yes, Greg Page, better known as the yellow Wiggle, will wiggle no more.

Don't worry if you're not familiar with the media monster that is The Wiggles. They are mostly famous in Australia, and among children, for that matter. Page, on behalf of the Guys, we will miss you.

Vodka: cleaner laundry AND body

Vodka saved a poisoned Australian man's life after he drank anti-freeze.

This is yet another miracle attributed to vodka, that colorless lifejuice from Russia. Other miracles include (but are apparently not limited to):

• Removing cigarette stink from laundry.
  
• Mixing well with any non-alcoholic beverage known to humanity.
  
• Making work bearable.
  
• Dean Martin's career without Jerry Lewis.
  
• Making vermouth--and now anti-freeze--consumable.

Is it possible for the Vatican to beatify a beverage? It beats the hell (heh) out of red wine/BoC.

You can feel the color of plastic and everyone loves you!

I've heard of mules carrying the drubs in their butts, but frankly, this is a bit ridiculous. Though I might be interested in the concept of hearing Don Rickles on ecstasy. Just because.

By the way, a run down for those that may not have them: Mr. Potato Head, Darth Tater, RS-Potatoo, Spider-spud, and Optimash Prime.

Oh, and I nearly forgot, Stuffed Potato.

And you thought you were a good wife

Meet Australia's wife of the year, who helped cheer up her football fanatic husband before the biggest game in his team's history with a naked balloon dance during breakfast. Remember, it's Australian rules football, so they do things a little differently down there. This is also why we call those Australians wacky.

Be careful what you wish for ...

... you just might get it. The mayor of Adelaide, Australia, made the mistake of asking citizens what they want to see more of in the city, and of course, they all said "naked people." People, this is exactly why they say never pose a question you already know the answers to.

This just in:

Ew.

That is all. You are now free to gouge your eyes out/induce self-inflected amnesia.

(SFW, but just really, really wrong.)

But who will think about the children?

Australia's $160 million national porn filter? Hacked in 30 minutes by a 16 year old.

It's ok though. The Australian government is currently in the process of investigating how their top of line software was so easily dismantled--and they have some very encouraging words for parents, too: "It doesn't mean that the whole scheme is not worthwhile, because a lot of kids haven't cracked it." Well, not yet at least.

How do we honor our fallen heroes?

Not through statues...not through memorial days...but through wildlife reserves!

Remember animal race-we humans are resilient, all thanks to our opposable thumbs. Try giving a thumbs up sign to that.

High tech electronic theft, Australian style!

Remember hearing those stories about people stealing PS3s from the lucky few on launch day? Australia, not one to be left out of current social events and issues, recently had a home invasion where the only item taken was a Sony Playstation.

No, there was no extra number attached to the Playstation title. Yes, you read that right-the thieves stole an original Playstation, not a PS2 or PS3.

You know what Australia? You keep trudging along. Eventually you'll hit the year 2001, big guy.

Why do men speed?

Cuz people hate wasting time driving.

Because fast cars are awesome.

Because they have a small penis. BWAH?

SG would just like to say that we don't exactly agree with this advertising campaign--I mean, it's not like we drive Corvettes.

We've got something to tell you:

We're here to help.

-Daniel Peter Blair, for continuing to do the act that got you stabbed after being stabbed, you should know that you have a problem.

-Women of the world, continuously objectifying we honest and wholesome men with your scandalous looks after we men get blamed for this very problem, know that you all have a problem.

-Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Malcolm Mackey, for the very same reason that you cannot ask a rainbow to stop being colorful, for ordering that a strip club cannot offer dancing sans clothing, you have a problem.

-Joseph T. Parrott, you have a problem with money. You don't want to part with it when you're legally obligated to do so. Deal with it. And your problem.

-The Traffic Department of CW11 Morning News, you have no problem at all, despite what some may say.

Creative law enforcement

You've got to hand it to the Aussies, they know how to disperse a crowd. It worked when we tried it on Manuel Noriega, too. The blog thinks it might also incite a riot.

Key quote: "But some people living near the park are less than enthralled. They say the barrage of 'Copacabana,' 'Could It Be Magic' and 'Que Sera Sera,' blasting from 9 p.m. to midnight every Friday, Saturday and Sunday is driving them crazy."

Ancient Australian secret

How else would one collect dingo urine?