We did it!

All that hard work and perseverance has finally paid off. We set a U.S. record in chlamydia cases last year!

Gonorrhea and syphilis rates nationwide are also up, after going down for years and years. More and more of these cases are becoming resistant to antibiotics, much like staph infections. What event could possibly be attributed to the spike in STD rates? Rick Snee's graduation from college.

Your 'generous bazoongas' and you

An author is on the warpath after her children's book, Trouble on Tarragon Island, was banned in a Canadian elementary school for the controversial phrase "generous bazoongas."

As voluntary supporters of all breasts everywhere, The Guys firmly advocate the right to bear generous bazoongas. We believe these, like the contested porn store in Virginia, can only contribute to communities, be it through beautification or even feeding the homeless.

Wait a minute: "What they say about my grandmother is true," the girl says. "She does have generous bazoongas, and all of Tarragon Island has seen them."

On second thought, there are limits to every right.

You get what you pay for--most of the time

A local Virginia newspaper editorial has actually come to the defense of a town's porn shop saying the city prosecutor is wasting taxpayers' time and money by going after the store. Also: "If it manages to stay in business, then it obviously isn't violating community standards." Gee, that's so crazy it almost makes sense.

And in the news side of things, the real shocker ( ll_i ) at Shockers ( ll_i ) Showbar isn't the naked ladies, it's the $6,000 bill they try to stick on your credit card for lap dances and drinks. Six grand in one night for lap dances isn't that excessive really, but at least give the guy what he paid for. Which, being as it took place in West Virginia, probably meant that the guy should at least own the location.

American priests: take note

Ironically, Ireland (that's alliteration, homes), has reported a priest scandal that doesn't involve altar boys.

The priests, instead, stand accused of misappropriating the collection plates by funneling them into a company called, this blog kids you not, Shag. The purpose was to finance gambling and foreign trips, property and lavish gifts for their girlfriends.

This blog recommends that the Vatican file this under "boys will be boys," especially considering their ages: 81, 71 and 64.

Night of the sleeping nude

We've all heard about how sleep aids can lead to sleep walking, eating, driving, even having sex. So clearly, it's not a good idea to take such pills if this kind of thing ends up happening to you. However, a hotel chain in England is having a new problem.

Sleepwalking naked people have increased sevenfold in the past year, mostly dudes, or as they say in England, blokes. As the story suggests, these people may not actually be sleepwalking, they may be some kind of zombie pranksters, bent on disrupting a peaceful English evening. We need to keep that island nation isolated, like in 28 Days Later. The zombie plague must be quarantined!

Soundproofed for her pleasure

A new female condom will soon be available to the public. Called the FC2 (Eh? Eh? Get it?), it's cheaper and less noisy than the original version; here's hoping it also has other secret features that make people actually want to use it.

Sad day for law enforcement

Police in Brussels can't be happy about the latest memo from their superiors. In an attempt to get more respect from the public, the police are no longer allowed to visit brothels or drink at bars while they are on duty. Yes, we said "duty."

Key quote: "'It is only by setting a good example that the police can make itself respected,' the letter said, urging officers to adopt more conservative behavior."

This blog does not understand that statement. What is not respectable about those charged with protecting the public enjoying the company of a woman or a warmth of a drink while on the job? Do they have something better to be doing, like patrolling?

Is teen sex the new cigarette?

The Guys have been mostly silent about female teachers having sex with their students, save for the occasional punchline. Really, there's not much more to say about sexual abuse save that it's illegal.

... Or is there?

The New York Times article quotes Richard Gartner, "a New York psychologist and author of 'Beyond Betrayal: Taking Charge of Your Life After Boyhood Sexual Abuse'":

Recognition of the damage doesn't usually occur until the man is in his 30s, 40s or later, he said. That damage varies widely, depending on the victim's age, the abuse itself, the sexual orientation of the boy and of the abuser, Gartner said. Victims often report addictive behavior and compulsive disorders, from gambling to sex to substance abuse, he said [emphasis ours].

All respect to the victims and the good doctor, but aren't those symptoms of any male who may or may not have sex at any age?

Employees must wash their hands before returning to work

Speaking of porn (I'd make that a link, but seriously, when aren't we talking about it?), the front page of USA Today saw this threat as above-the-fold-worthy:

"Technology makes porn easier to access at work"

Remember, when there's nothing to report, then stick to the topics that will keep readers coming. That's the USA Today Way!

Zerg rush--$50

South Koreans are increasingly turning to the internet to buy sex. If I was shocked by this, I might ask them what took them so long? However, since prostitution probably hasn't been incorporated into the latest Starcraft patch, I can probably answer my own question.

Mental note for business idea: create an MMORPG or RTS for Korea with semi-legalized prostitution for the Korean market, except the women characters are actually women, instead of dudes simply playing as women.

Greatest. Class. Ever.

Remember those boring days in high school civics class when you had to learn how laws are made? Ohio State Rep. Matthew Barrett found a way to keep kids' attention on the subject.

Nudity.

During a presentation to a high school class, Barrett's computer accidentally projected a picture of a naked woman onto the projector screen. Barrett said he did not know where the picture came from. Students said they found it was more interesting learning how babies are made than laws.

Quit clowning around, do your job

What's better than clown sex? (No, really.)

How about a clown lady-of-the-night that can also entertain your spawn?

Key quote: "Paola grabbed a big black wand and called out: 'I need someone to hold the magic wand for me.'"

You lack imagination

But do you know who doesn't?

Nepal! Why's that? Because Nepal is considering a nudity ban for people on Mt. Everest. Maybe you didn't realize insane climbers getting jiggy with it in sub-zero, low-oxygen environments was such a problem, but clearly that's because you're not adventurous enough. Hey, just because you didn't think of it doesn't mean it couldn't happen.

Also, who doesn't lack imagination? China! But they want you to. China has banned "sexually provocative sounds" on the radio and television. Perhaps that's like the noodle slurping commercial that was banned on Korean television, right? BUZZ. Incorrect. Think breast enhancement and female underwear commercials. After all, they don't just want female commandos, they want females going commando. ROWR.

Take it from Snee: HPV vaccine enables sinners

But the other 50% deserve it, too.
There's an ongoing debate about whether to administer the HPV vaccine to young girls before they become sexually active. While this could eliminate one of the primary causes of cervical cancer, which affects moral people who get married and raise preferably Christian kids, there is an undeniable consequence: that is, there is one less consequence for having sex.

That's why I'm not just against inoculating the young from this disease, but inoculating anyone else for that matter. By treating sexually transmitted diseases, our nation's health care providers are deliberately undermining our tax-funded abstinence-only sex education.

But the HPV vaccine is the tip of the iceberg. At this very moment, doctors are giving deviants antibiotics to treat syphilis, gonorrhea, Chlamydia and a variety of other non-viral STDs. They are prescribing topical creams and pills to control sinners' outbreaks of herpes and genital warts. They are even courting Bono and spending further research dollars on a cure for HIV/AIDS, which wouldn't exist if people had sex with only their spouses.

It may seem inhumane to allow people to suffer from their afflictions, but let's look at history, which is always on the side of those telling it and, in this case, I'm a-tellin'.

Al Capone murdered his way to the top of a crime syndicate to spread demon rum to the masses, yet he only served time for tax evasion. Fortunately, the good Lord gave him syphilis for his wrong-doing, making sure Al wouldn't outlive his sentence without a bout of raving lunacy and leprosy symptoms.

After trying to kill the Almighty, Frederick Nietzche was smote from above with syphilis. Guess who's dead, and, more importantly, who's still alive.

Jazz legend and the Devil's contractor, Robert L. Johnson also died from syphilis. If he was so keen on Faustian bargains, you'd think he'd negotiate for a cast iron willie.

And let's not forget all of the adult film stars that the Guy in the Sky punished with AIDS. God gave us cameras to film picnics and potty training, not the filthy act of fornication.

In conclusion, as every valid point is wont to have, it is vitally important that we maintain a viral/bacterial deterrent for sex. As long as we can point to people suffering from God's wrath, we can ignore our own natural misdeeds and enjoy a world without sex.

Halo 3 ... for ye swabby!

In a bit of pirate-spirited irony for the stereotype, Bungie be putting out a jimmy hat to commemorate the release of their newst product, which sadly, be not a seagoing vessel, but a little thing called Halo.

Take heed, all: if ye be acquiring the Halo 3 Legendary edition, Halo 3 Game Fuel, Halo Actionclix and already preordered Halo Wars, there be a good chance that ye not be needing this to acquire this as well. If ye have done all of those, there probably not be many chances for you to use this treasure on the booty of a wench. YAR!

Attention citizens o' Seattle

Aside from the usual warnings of a pirate attack aimed at any coastal town, Seattle has a new activity: ridin' the SLUT. That's right, we said SLUT.

Commuters in Seattle have a new line on which to travel: the South Lake Union Trolley. This has lead to T-shirts sellin' like hotcakes. They sold out the same day they were first sold. This blog be jealous o' Seattle, after all, what better after a long day at work then a ride on the SLUT?

Viva La Cheater!

Hunh-hunh-hunh.

A French website is offering custom made alibis (phone calls, stationary from non-existent companies, and fake wedding invitations) for adulterers who need a little help with their dangerous liaisons.

Please. As if a true Frenchman would ever need help with that. They'll just use and lose the silly American women tourists as all movies show. Also, I'm not exactly up and up on the exchange rate, nor do or would I ever condone cheating on significant others (for lack of a better term), but I've gotta say, 19 euros is a bit of a steal, given the niche.

But will they strip to Message In a Bottle?

New Yorkers are fighting back against a proposed burlesque club partially financed by Sting and David Bowie. They don't need aging British rockers telling them how to take their clothes off, thank you very much.

It's all in how you say it

Lawyers and DAs in the future will now have field days with dictionaries thanks to lawmakers in Britain. The British government finally realizes that it doesn't make much sense for selling sex to be illegal, when it's perfectly okay to buy it; however, if you think their solution is to make the whole thing legit ... guess again.

By the way, if someone's going to the grocery store, make sure to pick me up a box of Prostituted Flakes ... they're GRRRRSYPHILIS!

On the job ... allllllllll night long

Ok, so, I'm a little confused by this story--why would you want to be an online porn star AND a police officer? Personally, I'd think that I would rather focus on the job that has the least potential for me getting shot.

Actually, come to think of it ... that could be either of the two jobs. Also, aren't porn stars and police officer mortal enemies, like cats and dogs, frogs and flies, and mint and chocolate?

Double also: "sleazy activities" being put in a court document is pure comedy.