Can you tell he was a business major?

Mitt Romney, in a bid for the "keep young people off of our lawns" vote, proposed curbing financial for students with useless majors, linking "the amount of financial aid college students get to the kind of jobs they pursue after graduation."

This, of course, flies in the face of the statistic that most professionals do not work in the field they originally studied in college. And this is because: 1) most educations are outdated in the business world within 10 years, and 2) most people don't know what they want to do for the rest of their lives when 18 years old.

Case in point: Mitt Romney. After getting his MBA and making millions, he changed careers to run for governor and then president.

Mitt wasn't satisfied with proving he doesn't understand college, so he continued--probably against the wishes of his handlers--to speak:

"Maybe it’s partly our fault, those of us that are running for office," Romney said. "We don’t spend more time on campus and we probably should spend some more time with students and say, 'Guys get involved, get educated.'"

Yes, because college students have a tough time getting education on their campuses. But keeping people without money out of college will help. Try not to think about it too hard.

The presidency is ... awesome?

While touring a weapons plant, John McCain said that, if elected president, he will personally shoot Osama Bin Laden.

Wait, presidents get to shoot people? And here we thought that was only vice-presidents.

We put this question to you, readers: should presidents submit to a five day background check before taking office, or do we continue to let the gunshows elect them?

Greatest. Class. Ever.

Remember those boring days in high school civics class when you had to learn how laws are made? Ohio State Rep. Matthew Barrett found a way to keep kids' attention on the subject.

Nudity.

During a presentation to a high school class, Barrett's computer accidentally projected a picture of a naked woman onto the projector screen. Barrett said he did not know where the picture came from. Students said they found it was more interesting learning how babies are made than laws.

Happiness is a warm gun

Rudy Giuliani is going out of his way to prove he's, as Chris Rock would say, a mammal that breathes air and drink water. He took a call from his wife mid-press conference, ending with, "Goodbye, sweetheart, I love you."

To prove the validity of his presidential bid further, he also suggested "[MoveOn.org] should face some sort of sanction" for their "General Betray Us" ad. The reasoning?

"We are at war right now, whether some people want to recognize it or not."

So his Constitutional record for the conference? 1-1: the Second Amendment got its due, but the First Amendment still awards too much leniency to "American political organizations."

Flog all those who complain

In case ye didn't hear by now, a college student in Florida was asking Sen. John Kerry a question at a student forum when he was arrested by campus police for goin' o'er his time limit and refusin' to put down his microphone.

This blog would like to say it is all for the taserin' o' people for whatever reason. But we'd rather he taste the lashes from the cat o' nine tails. Those who can't obey orders will be punished and kept from the rum.

Since this is a political story, this would ordinarily be a Scurry to the White House '04, but today it's Scurvy to the White House '04.

Rambo he ain't

Rudy Giuliani has broken the ultimate taboo of coolness: giving himself a nickname. He's dubbed himself "liberals' 'worst nightmare.'"

Since he doesn't elaborate at all as to how he's a nightmare, much less of the worst variety, this blog can only surmise what he means. We figure his platform will shift to:

• Installing those "you must be this tall" signs at all hospitals for admitance. (They'll only be in English, of course.)
  
  
• Invading five other countries in the Middle East ... you know, for kicks.
  
  
• Adding the ACLU to the terror group watchlist.
  
  
• Extending the death penalty to flag-burners and those who "support the troops, but not the war."
  
  
• Dismantling alternative energy plants to make room for more oil refineries.
  
  
• Declaring the Baptist faith as the official religion of the United States.

And if he doesn't, then we're revoking the nickname.

To abort or not to abort

Mitt Romney is having trouble deciding whether he is for or against killing babies:

I was prochoice. I am prolife. I never said I was prochoice, but my position was effectively prochoice. I've changed my position," [Romney] said.

Let's help him figure this out. Copy the following text to paste here:

Governor Romney:

You seemed to have trouble yesterday figuring out whether you are pro-life or pro-choice. As a service to your campaign, religious faith, and personal decision-making abilities, I will now state the obvious so you can shut the hell up and pick one.

When you are running for governor of Massachussetts, you are pro-choice because New England witches loves them some fried baby.

When you are running for President of the United States, you are pro-life, because nothing is more American than orphans working their way up from rags to riches.

And when you are done being an a--hole, you're a politician, so quit pretending it was a mistake.

Sincerely,

[Your name here]
A SeriouslyGuys Reader

Getting tired of the race

Someone you know may be suffering from a debilitating disease that is now becoming rampant across the U.S. Symptoms include depressing, drooling and apathy. The disease's name: campaign fatigue.

That's right. Americans are all at risk for campaign fatigue because the 2008 presidential campaigns will be going on for a longer period than ever before. That's why we here at SG will be happy to provide you with the hard-hitting, nonsensical coverage of the race with our ongoing series Scurry to the White House 2008.