Somebody liked to play too many games ...

Thank God that the slogan for Xbox Live isn't the same one that Nintendo uses for the Nintendo DS. Pedophilia via MySpace is so pasé. In other news, crazy attorney Jack Thompson was heard trying to link this event to Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. Penny Arcade could be heard saying "Yeah, we predict EVERYTHING!"

Terror threat to 2008 Beijing Olympics

Luckily, this problem will solve itself when the torch is lit.

Analysis: leg room is better than Hooters Girls

Not even double the amount of flotation devices could save the airline.

Today's Italian cooking tip

One would think their diapers would work just as well.

Best &%$ing Headline of the Day At This Point

This blog can't even read such symbols.

Best Headline of the Day At This Point

It's the new British sensation!

Send more humane rat traps!

Is there anything that testicles can't do for you?

It's bacon ... and worms

Bacon that fights heart disease? That should be good news for these guys.

See the world, smell the fire on Deck 3

Aside from battling viruses and the usual sea sickness, a cruise ship is the way to go for a vacation. You get pampered, you get to drink in a bar they can’t kick you out of, you get to see the world, but the most important part of a cruise is the element of adventure. Where else can you fend off pirates and escape raging fires?

Where is your Xenu now??!!

There's blood on your hands O.J. Simpson Robert Blake Tom Cruise!!!

Note: for full story, click on "Read More" in linked article.

Best headline of the day at this point

It's always fun to see dashes.

Yarrr! They be mutinous sea dawgs!

Oh jealousy, it appears that you can change your normal shade of green to red; but against your own democratically elected leader? For shame.

The antithesis of a sticky situation ... sort of

Lubing up certain parts of the body for sexual activities is kinky. Lubing up just your face? For the purpose of robbing a bank? Just plain weird.

Comedy Central enters the Kulturkampf

The long war on Christmas Scientology continues.

Key quote: "'Temporarily anozinizing our episode will NOT stop us from keeping Thetans forever trapped in your pitiful man-bodies. Curses and drat! You have obstructed us for now, but your feeble bid to save humanity will fail! Hail Xenu!!!'"

Dead men infringe no copyrights

Honestly, rap guys: what will you do once you've sampled every song?

The new Neo-Nazi regime

It seems that Jon Dunleavy must have gotten steamed when a fellow Irishman asked to see his "shamrock."

Even teachers know when it's time to cheat

Remember when you were a kid and teachers told you that cheaters never win? Well, let's just say you can't spell "cheat" without the "t," "e," "a," "c," "h."

Only in America...

...does suing someone over the tort of negligence have an all new level of depravity.

The three R's: reading, 'riting, and 'rithma-sulfuric acid

Nothing scares me more than the fact that snot-nosed preteens with nearly exploding pimples are now exploding acid bombs at their middle school. On the brighter side, at least kids might now be paying attention to chemistry class better...or at least, the internet.

The unspecified rule of robotics: kill the fleshbags!

With the Godzilla movies coming to a close for a minimum of 10 years, combined with the fact that both Moguera and Jet Jaguar suck, Japan needs a new kind of creature to protect its people.

When the difference is 22 years, age is not just a number

Most 37 year-old women consider a nine month period of being jailed a pregnancy. However, for Lisa Lynette Clark of Gainesville, GA, she actually will be in prison. Clark pled guilty to charges of statutory rape and will not be allowed to see the 15 year-old alleged father of her infant son until he becomes a man at 17.

Clark was allowed to marry her baby's daddy through a loophole in Georgia state law that permits marriage to minors if the blushing bride has a baby on board. Giving yet further insight as to why those crazy southerners lost the war.

'Sin City:' recut, redux and real life?

We've all heard of constitional justice, but does this herald the advent of "prostitutional justice?"

Catch me once, shame on you, catch me violating parole again...

Former Cy Young Award winner Dwight Gooden just can't seem to catch a break.

Heart attacks! Get'cher heart attacks right 'here!

You know how reports are always complaining about how Americans are the most obese people in the world? I'm pretty sure that this is the equivalent to taking five million steps backwards with only the slightest bend forward. Straight from the land of fiction to fact: it would appear that the most dangerous game in America is not football, NASCAR or video games (despite what crazy lawyer Jack Thompson might think), but minor league baseball. Actually, it's the food that's served at the games of a minor league baseball team in Sauget, Illinois.

Nothing spikes attendance to minor league baseball games like heart attacks and diabetes.

Alabama will kill us yet

Much of the Cold War's nuclear arsenal—particularly intercontinental ballistic missiles (ICBMs)—was developed in Alabama. I say most because that research by mad ex-Nazi scientists led to our own arsenal and where Soviet spies got their arsenal.

Since that didn't get us, I guess they're going this route now.

From the world of alcohol

Some people have all the luck.

No commies, no space race

The big question on NASA's giant collective mind right now: Mars or Saturn?

And for the more sophomoric out there, no, Uranus is not "an ideal spot ripe for exploration."

Until NASA makes its choice, expect further tax dollars funneled into robots that do not work, only sent to two locations instead of one. By the way, isn't there a space station and telescope these guys don't play with anymore?

What is it with new species this week?

In keeping with the recent trends of this blog to cover artifacts and new species, have you ever heard of a rat-squirrel? Didn’t think so. Most non-paleontologists haven’t, since science was said it had gone extinct millions of years ago. That is until they found one this week.

In a modern-day coelacanth story (that story is so last century!), scientists found a live species of a family long thought to be extinct for 11 million years. It was found this week in Laos. Scientists say they are pleased to find an ancient species to study, and add that it is best served with a side of kimchi.

In other news, cancel your weekend plans.

Who says American kids can't learn?

They've already figured out how to shirk responsibility like their parents.

Native-born American students have once again been trounced by their immigrant counterparts in the classroom. The foreign students say grades are accomplished by "studying harder." The Americans say "better teaching."

Probably the worst part of this survey is the "no duh" factor. I'm a student still. Of course I'm lazy and will gladly blame anyone else.

After all, isn't that the American way?

Caveat lobster

It would appear that France has discovered something furry other than the legs of their native female inhabitants.

A new species of crustacean has appeared off of the coast of Easter Island. So unique is this creature that it has genus. That's fairly big for all of you non-biologist type people. Seriously people, the comparison between furry limbed crustaceans and French women with crabs writes itself.

Wonder how it tastes?

And you thought old people sucked hard

Stories like these truly reek hard of bottom of the barrel, low grade zombie movies. I should know-I'm a big fan of them. Unfortunately, I don't even see it being green-lit by Lion's Gate Films, or even Artisan Pictures before the buy out. I mean, this screams of a whole new form of social commentary that George Romero couldn't even think of.......thankfully.

"Ambien of the Dead", anyone?

It's good to be the king ...

... But in Maryland, what about the queen?

Choosey coroners choose Jiff money

Until November, only soccer moms shied away from peanut butter since it might kill kids with allergies. Then 15-year-old Christina Desforges's boyfriend killed her with peanut butter breath, and most likely, over-the-shirt groping. And what geographical location ruined peanut butter for everyone eyeing first base? Quebec, of course.

It's only fair they screwed up peanut butter; after all, they restored baseball to non-French status by selling the Expos to DC.

Now local coroner, Michael Miron, says peanut butter was not the culprit. However, he will not disclose the new details of Desforges's death. Perhaps she choked on something else?

Zee stars, zey shine zo bright!

This would be what most people call a razzing. Personally, I tend to view it more as "lightly enjoying what has been put out for the public to enjoy." Cynical? Yes. A jerk? Perhaps. I look to it more as I'm simply saying what some of you may be thinking. Maybe. And the nominees are:

Best Motion Picture of the Year

This year in Hollywood, we saw the best movie of the year nominations go to Brokeback Mountain, Crash, Capote, Munich and Good Night, and Good Luck, or "gay cowboys," "racism," "non-fiction means that it's not real," "paranoia" and "ZOMG! WHY IS T3H M0VI3 N T3H BLACK N WHIT3?!!!!ELEVEN." If there's any justice in the world, then Capote will go home with the gold guy. If there's any rational thought in the world, then the steaming pile of pretention will go home empty handed; however, given that controversy tends to breed praise (see Farenheit 9/11), don't be surprised if Brokeback Mountain takes home the award.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role

Philip Seymour Hoffman (Capote) has finally gotten a nominee, about 3 millions years too late. Heath Ledger (Brokeback Mountain) showed major balls for playing a gay cowboy (ba-zing), and it's a major departure from the paycheck performance that he, Matt Damon, and Terry Gilliam got for The Brothers Grimm. Johnny Cash channeled the the spirit of Joaquin Phoenix in Walk the Line. David Strathairn from Good Night, and Good Luck was a cast member of a movie that I fell in love with. Unfortunately, the award should rightfully go to Terrence Howard for his role as Djay, a pimp with higher dreams that's grounded in reality in Hustle and Flow. You may not agree with the subject. You may not agree with the actor. It doesn't matter. Howard gave the most moving performance of the year, hands down. Word.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role

Out of the movies found in this category, I was only able to see Reese Witherspoon in Walk the Line. Given what I saw, I won't be surprised at all if she wins the award, but I will be disappointed in the academy.

Best Animated Feature Film of the Year

I've always had a soft spot for animated films, and the nominees for this year were solid. Tim Burton is one of my favorite directors of all time, and even though I've always been a big fan of stop-motion animation (Harryhausen is god), I found The Corpse Bride a bit lacking (though with a run time of not too much over an hour, I suppose that's not exactly surprising). Hayao Miyazaki is a revolutionary director (I will go on record as saying that Spirited Away does the story of Alice and Wonderland better than Through the Looking Glass); however, Howl's Moving Castle was just a solid movie. It wasn't great. That honor belongs to Wallace and Gromit in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit, delivered to us by Steve Box and Nick Park. Sorry McBournie, but this was one of the best movies of 2005, and the tragedy that happened to the studios of Box and Park only makes the joy of this movie that much more poignant, as it may never occur again.

Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Song

I have no idea who Michael Becker or Kathleen York are. Dolly Parton makes my ears bleed. Jordan Houston, Cedric Coleman, and Paul Beauregard deserve to win the Oscar simply because their nomination, "It's Hard Out Here For a Pimp," is exactly what the title states-a pimp stuck in the run down section of Memphis. That oughta put a little starch in the shorts of the old honkeys on the judging committee.
And there you have it-my unabashed picks for the Oscars. Granted, I didn't actually cover them all, much less the fact that you may not even see the last two on the air. But then again, that's why I get paid the big bucks to write these things.

Wait a minute, what money?

The 9,000 year-old question

Ten years ago, the bones of an ancient hunter were found in Washington state by local Umatilla Indians. The bones turned out to be over 9,000 years old. But the question was: was this guy a honky?

It’s been a subject of controversy for the past decade. If he was white, it would turn science’s idea of early Americans on its head. Turns out, no, he wasn’t. He was either Polynesian or from an ethnic group only found now in Japan.

More so, it seems that the guy took quite a beating. His bones displayed several indentations in his skull, a broken and healed rib and arthritis in his right elbow and some vertebrae. Also, he was a smoker. OK, I made that last part up.

This means, when did the first white people come to America? Was it Christopher Columbus, was it Leif Erikson? And that question remains to be answered. But one thing is for certain, they were football fans.

It's coming

SeriouslyGuys is coming soon. Prepare your souls!