Take it from Snee: Clothes are not the problem

There's this idea that's floated around since I was a bald-faced lad (I'm now a scraggly-faced boy-man) that the solution to all of societies' woes is a dress code. Until recently, it focused exclusively on children, but recent attempts to legislate baggy pants in Atlanta and other states show that we continue to look for a simple solution for a "symptom" as opposed to the problem(s).

The idea that "the clothes make the man" is probably best illustrated by the Looney Tunes. In a particular cartoon, a hats accidentally fly out of a delivery truck and land on Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd. With each hat change, their personality changes: a bridal veil turns Elmer into a blushing bride, while an Army helmet turns Bugs into General Patton.

It's a great gag, but there are a lot of people who buy into that idea in real life. It ignores the idea that people change costumes to affect the changes they've always wanted to make about themselves. A kilt doesn't make some Scottish, but that person may want to act Scottish, so the image jusitifies doing whatever it is the wearer thinks Scottish people do that is awesome.

So we characterize people based on their clothing because we assume that they interpret their clothes the same way we do. When I wear a kilt, people assume that I'm going to drink, headbutt soccer officials and shag some sheep. In reality, I'm just going to drink, but no more than usual, and I could care less about soccer. I don't plan to shag any sheep, but who knows where the night will lead? (For the sake of the public and sheep, hopefully not to a farm.)

By replacing the kilt with baggy pants, people assume I'm going to earn a lower GPA, kill whitey and degrade a few women as "hos." They have no idea that I'm wearing baggy pants because my elephantitis is inflamed again. Instead, they assign the uniform of baggy pants to the thug, that black hip-hop monster that will achieve nothing more than rhyming in rhythm.

What's their solution? Send me to The Gap for some well-fit khakis, which will not help my swollen testicles. But dressing me up won't improve my grammar, ethnicity or class (in both senses of the word).

But I'm less threatening in khakis (unless my testicles grow larger from chafing), so the problem can be ignored. I'm not an example of "what's wrong with America" anymore, but instead look like the people who don't have said problem. Bill O'Reilly can excitedly compliment me because I didn't mug or rap at him.

The other basis to the dress code idea is that it will save me some grief because everyone is wearing the same clothes as me; therefore, they can't decide whether I should be beaten up or not.

As I wore a uniform for three years of Catholic school, allow me to rebut.

People don't get beaten up for the clothes they wear; they get beaten up because there are assholes who like to beat people up. Assholes will find any reason to kick your ass: your clothes, your stupid face, telling them that you'd like to (lovingly) sodomize their sister, disgraceful taste in wine, poor hygiene, the way you walk, your speech impediment and etc.

In fact, I've had offers to rearrange my face my entire life whether I was dressed in a uniform or at the height or most modest standard of fashion. Come to think of it, the only time I haven't been threatened was when I was naked, but that's because the guys that would beat me up were too nervous about looking gay by talking to or laying hands on a naked guy.

Even if everyone is dressed the same or--as the proponents call it--appropriately, we always find something to dislike about a person.

In Catholic school, we had to wear predominantly white sneakers, so we made fun of the kid in the dorkiest white shoes. Woe be to the boy who wore Keds or similar nurse-centered attire. We also had a choice between khaki pants or shorts, but, since this was in Hawaii, only losers wore the pants. And, of course, we could still judge a kid by his face, hair, athletic ability, race, nerdish qualities and whether or not he took Communion at Mass. And since we were mostly military brats, there was the inevitable division of officers' and enlisteds' kids.

That's why it is important to not forget the dual-purpose of uniforms: yes, they make everyone more or less the same; but, they also assign rank to that person. This is why we dress prisoners and servants in such a manner--to remind them, and us, of their place. Nobody cares if white CEOs wear relaxed-fit Levis, but it's an "epidemic" when young people, who frighten us, do. In fact, when guys like Richard Branson do it, they're "rogues" or "colorful."

We're fascinated by simple solutions to life's complex problems. After 9/11, e-mail messages floated around about General Pershing vanquishing Islam in the Philippines in the early 20th century by burying killed Muslims with pig corpses, which ignores the ongoing clashes with Islam in the Philippines today. Or that by buying everyone in the world a Coke, the world would "stop and chill a while." Or, my favorite, that by groggily pledging allegiance to a flag every morning, people will become better citizens.

Dress codes follow the same vein of thought. They don't really solve the bigger problem, nor do they help the person with the problem. Instead, they dress up the person in question so we don't notice them anymore or are less threatened by them. And the sad part is that it doesn't work. Ask all the pre-Civil Rights blacks that were lynched in the South despite straightening their hair and wearing ties.

Is teen sex the new cigarette?

The Guys have been mostly silent about female teachers having sex with their students, save for the occasional punchline. Really, there's not much more to say about sexual abuse save that it's illegal.

... Or is there?

The New York Times article quotes Richard Gartner, "a New York psychologist and author of 'Beyond Betrayal: Taking Charge of Your Life After Boyhood Sexual Abuse'":

Recognition of the damage doesn't usually occur until the man is in his 30s, 40s or later, he said. That damage varies widely, depending on the victim's age, the abuse itself, the sexual orientation of the boy and of the abuser, Gartner said. Victims often report addictive behavior and compulsive disorders, from gambling to sex to substance abuse, he said [emphasis ours].

All respect to the victims and the good doctor, but aren't those symptoms of any male who may or may not have sex at any age?

Marilyn Manson? In 2007? Something is amiss

CNN is known for its 20/20 hindsight after tragedies like school shootings. The latest publicized shooting in Ohio is no exception.

Apparently administrators should have known something was up because "Coon was a 'Goth' who usually wore black clothes and a trench coat and strapped an empty gun belt to his leg," said the network. "He was an atheist and a devoted follower of Goth rocker Marilyn Manson."

The principal ignored a warning of a looming threat: Coon was obviously a time traveller.

This blog will not state whether he was from 1997 or a distant future where F-list celebrities love industrial glam metal on VH-1, but the evidence is there. No self-respecting/mutilating teenager would shoot his classmates in 2007 because of Marilyn Manson.

If only Success Tech Academy had a more observant principal.

Suffer not the unctuous

Ever wondered how you, too, can get your house egged, TPed and poo-sacked in one night? Just follow these easy steps as outlined by 700 Club flunkie, Lori D'Augostine.

Key quotes of the monster in action:

"I personally plan on dressing my children up in Biblical and God-honoring characters that will draw people to ask questions."

"Scripture Candy, the makers of Fish Mints™ contain wrappers that have scriptural text. Also, EvangeCandy,"the only candy with color-coded Gospels on every wrapper" are fun for children."

Frivilous Lawsuit of the Day

A woman from Queens, New York is suing Apple Inc. for dropping the prices on iPhones so soon after they were released. She claims they violated price discrimination laws and is seeking $1 million in damages.

That's right, get those bastards! Since when is a companies allowed to change their prices on items for no apparent reason. It's time we fought back against the corporations that control the market--wait.

I'm sorry, I've just been told Apple is actually the underdog in just about every market.

You lack imagination

But do you know who doesn't?

Nepal! Why's that? Because Nepal is considering a nudity ban for people on Mt. Everest. Maybe you didn't realize insane climbers getting jiggy with it in sub-zero, low-oxygen environments was such a problem, but clearly that's because you're not adventurous enough. Hey, just because you didn't think of it doesn't mean it couldn't happen.

Also, who doesn't lack imagination? China! But they want you to. China has banned "sexually provocative sounds" on the radio and television. Perhaps that's like the noodle slurping commercial that was banned on Korean television, right? BUZZ. Incorrect. Think breast enhancement and female underwear commercials. After all, they don't just want female commandos, they want females going commando. ROWR.

Apparently not a cheerocracy

Roger Goodell has done an impressive job during his tenure as NFL Commissioner, however, this just borders on shear idiocy.

Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I thought cheerleaders motivated and inspired.

Religion in the courtroom?

Ever heard the saying "he has more money than God?" Nebraska state Senator Ernie Chambers may find out the definition. He has decided to sue God.

Key quote: "The lawsuit accuses God 'of making and continuing to make terroristic threats of grave harm to innumerable persons, including constituents of Plaintiff who Plaintiff has the duty to represent.' It says God has caused 'fearsome floods, egregious earthquakes, horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes, pestilential plagues, ferocious famines, devastating droughts, genocidal wars, birth defects and the like.'"

It's about time someone has held someone accountable for those tragedies! And if God gets called to the stand, that would be quite a scene. Where have I seen that before?

One for the road

The words "harvest" and "sperm" should never be used in the same headline. However, after an emergency court ruling in Iowa this week, 23 year old Daniel Christy was legally able to extract sperm from her dying husband for future children.

MWGS halts Affleck film

Missing White Girl Syndrome has reached a new low. Ben Affleck's new movie about a fictional missing white girl, Gone Baby Gone, has been postponed indefinitely by its distributer, Buena Vista International, for "similarities to the Madeleine McCann case."

Key quote: Gone Baby Gone was based on a 1998 novel by Dennis Lehane and was filmed last year, before Madeleine's disappearance, the film companies said.

Apparently, there are no other missing children right now, and any fictional portrayal of one is, in fact, this particular missing white girl.

MWGS is a condition that causes the brain to only care when a white girl goes missing. It effectively shuts down peripheral vision, which causes all focus to center on the white girl in peril.

Other symptoms of MWGS include:

• Victimizing the parents if they are white and attractive.
  
• Handwringing.
  
• Unfounded speculation that the child will be found unharmed (because they're little princesses that the dragons merely guard).

If you, a friend or a family member are suffering from MWGS, please visit your nearest low-income housing district to see some real pain.

Virginia isn't for lovers ...

... It's for loving. I realize the story's nearly a week old, and I apologize for giving you old news, but boy, is it good news ... well, depending on how you look at it, I suppose. A cleaning crew hired to mop up city hall in Richmond, Virginia, spent their evenings calling phone sex lines instead. Isn't that a wee bit counterproductive? You know, if you do that you're only leaving a bigger mess for yourself to clean up.

Best Headline of the Day At This Point

There are days when some headlines just make total sense. Then, there are other days when songs by Ice-T really tend to make a lot more sense than they did in the past.

To catch a cold thief hug

There's friendly. There's really friendly.

And then there's "stop touching me you strange, strange person!"

Key quote: "One man spilled a drink on Pearce. A little girl refused to let go of her blue sucker, and a little boy kicked and screamed, not wanting to hug a stranger, the newspaper said."

Take it from Snee: Beliefs and science don't mix

So I was watching the National Geograpic Channel last night, and I wound up catching a special on Atlantis.

I have nothing against people searching for mythical places. It's this kind of dreaming that led to the eventual discovery of the actual city of Troy.

My problem is with leaps of logic that were featured on the show.

Leap #1: Atlantis can be found because Plato wrote about it as a real place. Sure, and John Milton wrote about Heaven and Hell as real places, but that doesn't mean that we can dig our way to Hades or fly a spaceship to Heaven. And let's not forget that, although the classic Greek and Roman thinkers were pretty smart, they weren't always right. Cases in point: believing bees come from dead bulls and art should be censored if it doesn't instill positive morals (Aristotle and Plato's Republic).

The launch-point for this disasterous base jump is that Plato's name is on it. Certain names are given carte blanche to pretty much say anything and have it interpreted as fact. For instance, when Mr. T says he pities fools, we automatically assume said fools are pitied. However, we're ignoring the overwhelming evidence that, while they are pitied, they are not exempt from a pitiless ass-whooping. While Plato certainly stated a lot of "facts," the proof is often lost because we don't have YouTube videos of him contradicting himself in real life (from which no one is exempt).

Leap #2: Hieroglyphics depict a helicopter, submarine and flying saucer. Hieroglyphics are a written language that was only translated as recently as 1822. Any attempt to interpret these symbols without understanding how to read them is akin to looking for pictures in the phone book. "Look! There's curious dots hovering over certain characters in this book! They look like spaceships over the Washington Monument! That must mean Americans got their government from space aliens!"

Leap #3: Atlanteans left evidence of their existence that we haven't found yet. The people looking for Atlantis keep describing the ancient Atlanteans as a superintelligent race, yet they couldn't leave a single record anywhere? Why would displaced survivors of a continent-ending catastrophe not want to leave a historic record somewhere? And if they did, why would they hide it? The answer is simple: they wouldn't. If fourth-graders are smart enough to create time capsules, these people should have done better.

Leap #4: Aliens or displaced Atlanteans must have taught the Egyptians and Mayans how to build pyramids. This last one is pretty much veiled racism. In the mostly white, all western eyes of Atlantis hunters, brown people can't build monumental structures out of stone. This, of course, ignores their own contributions to (read: our patent stealing for) our own culture: rockets and gunpowder, pasta, math, writing, money, and Jesus.

And what is their smoking gun on this suicide plunge? It's a sculpture on a Mayan pyramid that depicts a slightly elongated face with a big nose and lip whiskers. Not only is it incorrect to assume all Mayans were round- and flat-faced and couldn't grow facial hair, but it doesn't account for the one universal presence in all cultures: bad artists. Even if we use their (ignorant) evidence, how many bad sculptures have we seen that do not capture their subjects?

It's okay to believe in places that aren't proven to exist. That's the fun part of beliefs: nobody can tell you what you can or can't believe. But beliefs are not hypotheses, theories or laws. Once you try to apply those to a belief, then you have to wonder why you believed in it in the first place. The results of such attempts result in the entertaining and often insulting leaps in logic listed above. Take it from Snee: just like women and seamen, beliefs and science don't mix.

Red Cross sees ... er, red

Finally, a company with our best interests at heart is finally fighting the machine. By the machine, we mean the Red Cross.

Tired of the Red Cross making money by selling products that help people, and spending that money on further helping people, Johnson and Johnson is demanding all money made from those sales and then some.

The Red Cross is obviously distressed, and is crying to "the courts and Congress." Of course, Johnson and Johnson has a product that will help.

Sir Elton John: not gay for the internet

Sadly, it doth appear that the Queen didn't knight Elton John for his brains...

Never fear everyone,as I'm sure the tubes will be clogged with something or other long before his five year moratorium is up. I'm personally putting money on pictures of kittens....with miniature box turtles on their heads!

UFO's terrorize British; British terrorize everyone else with their teeth

Apparently, UFO's may or may not have terrorized a town recently. Sound like a bad July 4 based movie? Nah. Think more bad Sci-Fi channel premiere of the week. So, what do we know about what's happened?

1. The only witnesses were people who were walking out of pubs.
2. The Weekly World News, the "world's only reliable news paper", is not behind the incident, as it's too busy being closed by its parents.
3. Stratford-Upon-Avon contains no stars in its sky whatsoever. Except for four of them.

(Courtesy of Mike Morrow)

We'd like to sit in the 'no fat' section

If you thought secondhand smoke was bad, then how about secondhand fat?

This blog is still waiting for a medical study on secondhand stupidity.

Attention, peoples of Earth:

Not everything is about you.

Out of concern for other terms possibly denigrating others, this blog suggests the following nomenclature changes:

1) The "Yellow-Bellied Sapsucker" must now be called the "Goldenrod-Bellied Sap Consumer." We're sorry nobody addressed this sooner, Asians and homosexuals.

2) "Black boxes" on airliners must now be called "dark, fireproof recording device enclosures." This will alleviate the feelings of African-Americans and women.

3) Communists will resume being called "Commies," but not "Reds" or "Pinkos." It was insentive to imply Native Americans, homosexuals and Grease characters embrace the ideology of Marxism and/or Leninism.

4) "Earl Grey tea" will now be called "Earl Ashen tea" out of respect to visiting extraterrestrials who might be insulted that we consume a beverage obviously named after them.

SAND!

Ever notice that once someone has a personal tragedy, they make it their mission to bug everyone else about it?

The latest threat to beachgoers, just in time for summer solstice, is sand.

Well, to elaborate, sandy holes. (Despite the implication, SFW.)

Key quote: "Since 1985, at least 20 children and young adults in the United States have died in beach or backyard sand submersions."

For you non-math majors out there, that's almost one kid (about 91 percent of one) a year for the past 22 years. I think we've got ourselves a epidemic--nay! pandemic--here, folks!