Welcome to the year 26

We all know Florida's just a little special--not in a great-vacation-place type of way, but in a short-bus-riding type of way.

The University of Florida recently printed shirts with the year 2006 supposedly in the Roman numerals. Instead of "MMVI," they had "XXVI." Roman numeral experts and Super Bowl fans can all tell you that means 26.

Said those responsible, "FVCK."

The crappiest art around

From Daniel Edwards, the man who brought you Britney Spears naked giving birth to Sean Preston statue, comes Suri Cruise's bronzed poop.

No, we are not making that up.

It's not actually her poop. It's just Edwards' artistic impression of what it might look like. It is still drawing fire from critics.

You know, this blog remembers when feces in art was only used for classy things, like smearing a picture of the Virgin Mary.

You've got mail

You've got a pink slip. Goodbye.

Wanna know what's really interesting? The "ZOMG U R TEH FIERD LOL ROFFLCOPTUR" emails actually boosted their share prices. Amazing.

Another blow to blow-hards

You're gonna die, you're gonna die, tra-la-la-la.

MasterChugs Theater: 'Kill Bill Volume 1'

Note: MasterChugs Theater is a new weekly feature which will be appearing Friday afternoons (yes, we know it's Thursday). Movie nut Chugs Taylor will pull one random cinema choice from his vault and review it.

Take a trip back to 2003. What happens to a cinema geek like Quentin Tarantino when he's away from directing for six years? What happens to a guy who is full of wiry, jittery love of filmmaking on the slowest of days? It's like a high school physics experiment--he builds up kinetic energy until he finally vomits it out into a movie in the form of ball-clutching action, reverent reference and homage and culture shifting cool. Oh, and there's bloody revenge, spaghetti westerns, wuxia and plenty of giallo. Quentin calls it Kill Bill, Volume 1. We call it "friggin' awesome, MAN!"

It will no doubt exasperate some that, somehow, after all that time-first he was a rock-star director with Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction, then an annoying chatterbox acting too often in sub-par movies, then a grown-up filmmaker with his wonderful Jackie Brown, we again think, "how lucky for Tarantino. Look what this kid gets to make." One change: he's not a kid anymore. But Kill Bill's borderline recklessness in terms of super-stylized B-movie elements, grind-house pastiche, purposeful artifice, and virtuoso musical moments all make us believe a freaky little whippersnapper's behind the camera. Detractors will find it adolescent, fans will fall for his geeky love, and others will simply be wowed. Not only is this a stim-boost for Tarantino, it's a much needed slap in the face for lethargic, seen-it-all movie audiences. Uma Thurman chopping off a guy's head with a samurai sword? Hell yeah, we'll watch that.

An absolutely remarkable Thurman (this is easily the best role in her career) plays an ex-assassin, simply called "The Bride," a.k.a. Black Mamba, who wakes up after a four-year coma feeling plenty angry. Shot and left for dead at her El Paso wedding (shotgun wedding has no need to be used here), she opens her eyes and finds out that she has a metal plate in her head, her body has been debased and death is looming over her. All we know is that Bill (the now properly Tarantino'ed ((see: John Travolta's career after Pulp Fiction)) David Carradine, whose face we never see) led the vicious crime perpetrated by the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad (DiVAS), a group the Bride used to belong to. Alone, devastated, and filled with rage, the Bride searchs for vengeance, plain and simple. Then, in an elaborate act of cinematic contortionism, we follow right along with her.

And what we see is violent. Oh, how it is delightfully and gleefully violent, along with being grayscale, Technicolor, chronologically reversed and animated. The animated part (done by GONZO animation) to me is such a perfect companion to the film and something that keeps the audience on their toes. While the actual animation (which is personally reminiscient of Waking Life mixed with Ninja Scroll) isn't the best ever burned to film, it's so evocative and distinctive that it doesn't matter. Some of my favorite scenes in the film happen during that sequence, particularly the spot where Lucy Liu's character is on the roof sniping at the motorcade. Utterly phenomenal stuff.

This should have been the most self conscious Tarantino film considering what he aimed to achieve, but to me it seems his most mature and confident as a filmmaker. Where are the long, pop-culture-drenched Samuel L. Jackson speeches? Where's the discussion about just how much one is obligated to tip a waiter? Where's the inadvertent reference to Foxy Brown? You're not going to find them here, only visual and aural references that intertwine brilliantly with Tarantino's mis-en-scene. From Nancy Sinatra opening the proceedings with her haunting "Bang Bang" to Quincy Jones' funky and bizarre theme song from the TV show Ironside to riffs ranging from blaxploitation to Bernard Hermann to Ennio Moriconne, Tarantino fills the picture with haunting music to match his dazzling images. And you'll see cameos of The Green Hornet, Kinji Fukasaku (he even lifts one of Fukasaku's young actresses from Battle Royale, Chiaki Kuriyama, to use as Liu's schoolgirl bodyguard), Bruce Lee (Uma's yellow tracksuit apes Lee's in Game of Death), samurai sword epics, Sergio Leone-the list goes on. Dear Lord, Tarantino even uses the music of Zamfir and his pan flute. And it's haltingly moving. What kind of crazy voodoo is this? For the director and his movie-obsessed audience, it's a beautiful, brilliant, bloody valentine.

There's this endless dispute that runs among people about "popcorn movies" and more "serious" movies--Kill Bill Volume 1 is like the pure synthesis of them. You can watch this movie and just lose yourself in the action and the shots and the fun and not feel like you've lost some IQ points in the process. It's just engaging, fun and utterly kick-ass. If you like action movies, you owe it to yourself to own this movie and its second volume, or at the very least, rent it.

Two thumbs, four A+'s, and a fist pump into the air up

You don't know art

And apparently, neither does a fifth grade teacher.

Hardline conservatism and latch-key parenting: keeping vile things such as fine art away from our children so that we can go back to letting more wholesome things, like television, parent them.

You think the US gas prices are high?

Put it into perspective with other things in Australia.

This blog would like to help people fight with such evil things such as high gas prices with STD Defenders, the game. Remember, the safest form of game playing is abstinence. Or the WASZ key control and movement configuration.

Sex, lies and text-based blogs

Just remember: if it's on the Internet, it HAS to be be true.

This blogger would like to give a shout out to his college freshman year RA, an American frat guy that just happens to be traversing around China. Tee-hee.

Are you ready, yet?

If women spend two-and-a-half years on their hair in a lifetime, then that means men spend two-and-a-half-years waiting to finally go out.

This blog suggests working on a convincing facial expression to match that delivery of "you look fine."

CNN 'Live From...' the ladies' room

Ever wonder what women talk about in the ladies' room? Well Kyra Phillips, anchor of CNN's "Live From..." talks about her marriage and her brother's marriage--at least she did this morning.

In fact, she talked about it at length over CNN's live broadcast of President George Bush's speech in New Orleans, not knowing that her microphone was still on. The scoop: good men are out there, in Phillips' opinion.

Lt. Frank Drebin could not be reached for comment.

What would Jesus smoke?

The U.S. Supreme Court could be meeting up with Kenneth Starr very soon over a case whose time has clearly come: can high school students in Alaska hold up signs during the torch run for the 2002 Salt Lake City Olympics?

More so, can the signs read, "Bong Hits 4 Jesus?"

We try to give our readers what they want: stories about free speech, Christian beliefs and pot. Clearly, they are all issues that go hand-in-hand.

Once again, good news in the morning

We here at SG are always trying to degrade make fun of inspire humanity. That's why we bring you two bits of good news to start off your day this morning:

Jessica Simpson is ordered to shut up.

Paris Hilton's album is not selling very well.

Perhaps there is something right in this world after all. Now go smile.

Crime wave in Florida

Not even an impending wannabe hurricane can't stop one man's crime spree. Take that, Volusia County, Florida!

That man is also the winner of the most creative and comical crime of the month.

Barbie the lesbian

Barbie can date, drop Ken, have a Malibu dream house, come in 31 flavors ... but she can't be a lesbian?

Those Ka-raaaazy Ki ... Russians?

Just when you thought Russia couldn't go lower ... someone did.

And boy, did it cost him.

(Possibly NSFW)

Business advice from the guys

A topless kissing booth makes for a surprisingly successful fundraiser.

Business tip #1: Adding "topless" to almost anything, is a pretty much guaranteed way not to fail.

Examples: "Topless Bakery." "Topless Swimming Hole." "Topless Tire and Lube." "Topless Volcano Tours."

Hmmm ... maybe not so much that last one.

Poor Miss Pluto

This wasn't just any contest....this one was for the universe!

Coincidentally enough, it would seem that the universe also revolves around China.

We hate immobile objects

People living in the greater D.C. area have long hated the Woodrow Wilson Bridge. Located on the Capital Beltway, it has been a symbol of 24-hour traffic problems. So much so that residents have grown to hate the bridge, some lesser-educated ones calling for Wilson's impeachment.

They had a contest to blow up the old span of the bridge. This blog is always a fan of blowing things up for random reasons.

Good morning!

Here's your morning inspiration. By inspiration, we mean a story that will make you:

1) Weep for joy.
2) Tell your kids you love them (lies never hurt nobody).
3) Hug your bartender.
4) Make parole.
5) Make whoopee with someone way out of your league.
6) Finish that novel.
7) Kill a mockingbird.
8) Get a sunburn.
9) Shave that scrotum.
10) Look up a new word in the dictionary (how about "queue?").

Fun with cars in China

A woman in China crashed her car after giving her dog a driving lesson. Who knew they had cars over there? This blog was under the impression they only rode bicycles.

Key (rhyming) quote: "'They did not make it far before crashing into an oncoming car.'"

China's official Xinhua News Agency did not release details about the dog's breed or current condition, so feel free to make a joke about China's food quality.

Update to In India for...

Not too surprisingly, contemporarily speaking, young people in India want to talk more openly about sex. Most young people would actually like to have more sex, but talking about it is okay too. Sometimes.

Of course, that might prove a wee bit more difficult since the courts have banned all adult movies.

Taste the master race

Where can you go in Mumbai (Bombay), India for pizza, pastries and salads? Why, Hitler's Cross, of course. They've got such items as Blitzkrieg BLTs, U-boat sandwiches and Panzer pepperoni pizzas.

Fun fact: Hitler was actually a vegetarian.

Looking for a place to let it all hang out?

Then you might want to try Vermont.

Key quote: "Town officials asked their attorney to draft an ordinance to ban such displays for the Select Board to vote on in September. When the teens heard about it, some staged a nude sit-in."

Update to Japan states the obvious

It would seem that Japan's gag reflex is too strong for its own good. A shame.

Oh no, that's it from me on that. I'll let you make the jokes about the crazy Japanese sex fetish stuff.

Ok, maybe not.

It's come and gone

"Freedom of choice", that is, at least according to Kathy Hilton. But apparently, there are some would like it gone totally, even having gone so far as to make a list and check it twice.

Purely for moral and scientific reasons, of course.

From the world of really important news

To the list of celebrities calling people these days, add Paris Hilton's name. It seems she's been hacking into Lindsay Lohan's cell phone voice mail box. Sneaky sneaky.

So are you the big or the little spoon?

The story is kind of morbid, but it's still the headline of the day to this point.

Spin the bottle/can

In today's edition of Booze News, Milwaukee and Boston are two of America's drinkingest cities. Go figure.

Key quote: "It's a safe bet that nobody's going thirsty in Milwaukee."

Megadeth of a nation

Apparently how "uncool" the United Nations is has gotten to Megadeth frontman Dave Mustane. But if you really want to stay cool, try this.

Film Review: 'Snakes on a Plane'

Yes, it sounds like the downright dumbest idea for a film ever. Ever. Snakes, on a plane, these guys must have been smoking something pretty good to come up with this idea, and yet, been smoking something even better to make this film work.

If you haven't been paying attention to the internet, or, let's say media in general for the past year, then you've missed one of the biggest buzzes for a film since the word got out that Amanda Peet was going topless in "The Whole Nine Yards." Countless internet campaigns, commercials galore, and just the question of what can actually be done with a film about snakes on a plane unless it was a clever porno title, created quite the hype. Well, what happened was whether by actual intent or not, one of the best all around theatrical releases in quite some time.

The film stays true to the elements that make cheese films of this genre ... cheesy. Pointless sex scenes, inventive deaths (puncturing glass through the jugular and having a heel buried into an ear to name a few), corny one-liners and a cast that knows that the very idea for the film borders on mental retardation.

There though, lies the selling point. The entire cast took this film as seriously as Pacino and De Niro took "The Godfather." Oh yeah ... and there is this Samuel L. "I don't turn down any mothaf***ing part" Jackson guy, might have heard of him.

Let it be known that if it is anyone other than Jackson doing this film, point blank, it sucks and bombs. Can you imagine Morgan Freeman screaming out "That is it! I have had it with these mothaf***ing snakes on this mothaf***ing plane!!!”? Thought not. Jackson anchors the film down quite steadily with his no nonsense approach. But the fact that Jackson takes the film so seriously makes this film a classic in the making.

Cinematically, it's got everything you need: gunplay, unnecessary nudity, nonstop action, venomous snakes engaging in an epic battle with the baddest mother on the entire planet, unnecessary nudity, the basics. All of that mixed with Jackson's ability to make you laugh while he's delivering his lines with stone cold stoicism, makes you forget that the very idea for this film was probably developed over some late night stoner munchies at the local Waffle House.

"Snakes" overcomes the stupidity of the plot because while the actors take the film seriously, the film itself doesn't. For example the passengers develop an idea to build a barrier between them and the snakes using luggage. Then, about five minutes after the barrier is in place you hear someone scream out in shock and terror that somehow the snakes had managed to figure out how to get through the luggage. One word, brilliant.

The hardest part is convincing yourself to pay the $8 to check this film out. Getting past the idea that it is indeed a film about snakes on a plane is pretty tough to do unless the idea had already started to marinate for a bit. For what it’s worth though, it’s a cult classic already. Could be worse, at least it’s not a film about people from Turkey trying to bring a penis pump on a plane, though the verdict is still on whether or not Jackson will take that role.


Rating: A+

Lunch time tip II

And while you're enjoying that Bimbo bread, why not try some macaroni and cheese loaf? Who doesn't love mac and cheese? Now you can have it for lunch--with loaf.

Trouser snakes on a plane

The penis truly mightier than the sword ... er, bomb.

On a related note: ladies of Turkey, watch out for this stud!

(Source props to Robyn Edelheit.)

Ertha Kitt, beware

Listen up, meow. We've got ourselves quite the situation in Pennsylvania. Meow, it may seem funny to make "meow" sounds at old ladies, but it just isn't, meow. In fact, "meow" can be downright scary, meow. So let's straighten up and fly right, meow, okay?



This entry was written while listening to "Right Meow" by Van Haggar.

Pluto no longer a planet

This is SeriouslyBreaking News. According to the Associated Press, Pluto is no longer a planet. Astronomers met and voter on a definition for planets that seems to have demoted Pluto only moments ago. (We'll post a story as soon as someone writes one.)

Great, now how am I going to remember the order of planets? We need a whole new mnemonics sceme for the solar system!

UPDATE: Here's the story. We even beat CNN, Fox News and MSNBC to it.

Scientology just got a pink slip

It had to be the antidepressant rant. It's one thing to be a crazy person in Hollywood, but don't make the other people in Hollywood uncomfortable.

Moos with accents

British farmers have way too much free time on their hands. They claim that their cows have regional accents. This would explain why New England cows have a tendency to say "wicked."

Side note: This story wins Caption of the Year at this point.

Japan states the obvious

Apparently they're not too keen on wanting to see a naked and very pregnant Britney Spears. This blog would like to pledge its brotherhood to Japan for coming to terms with a realization like this. Sake for all!

Sex in marketing, Wednesday edition

Next to add to the list of things too sexy to advertise on taxis: vodka.

Lunch time tip

We rarely shill products here on SeriouslyGuys, but sometimes we feel we have to. We know you have a lot of choices of bread for your sandwiches. Today, why not try Bimbo bread? Mmmm, taste the Bimbo!

One for the road

If you were going to court for a DUI, you'd probably need a few drinks, too.

If there's anything this blog salutes, it's tenacity.

Blunt Headline of the Day

Just the facts, ma'am.

'Snakes on a Plane'-Related Post of the Day

Do you want to call your friends but wish someone else would do it for you? Do you wish you sounded more like Samuel L. Jackson?

Now you can have Jackson call whoever you want for you. This might be the greatest thing the Internet has ever given us.

Old people are rolling deep

Thanks to a government error, 230,000 Medicare recipients are getting a refund on their monthly premiums.

Now is a good time to hit Grandpa up for some booze money.

Jackasses in a theater

Chug supports "Snakes on a Plane." Chug thinks that everyone should go out and see this movie. Chug thinks that you should clap during the movie and hiss while sitting through the trailers. Chug does NOT condone this kind of behavior in the slightest.

Indiana

It's not like the rest of the U.S., the state fair may be the best proof of that. They have a cricket-spitting contest. Be sure to stop by for the cockroach races and live animal veterinary demonstrations.

This blog can hear the slice of the hedge clippers and squeal of the dogs now.

Let freedom ring!

Apparently, our Founding Fathers knew the importance of double entendres, sexual innuendo, and smutty signs from the beginning.

Unexpected Headline of the Day

Who wants Whitney Houston to say "I will always love you" to him? The answer could surprise you. OK, the answer will definitely surprise you, and yes, it is real. If it doesn't shock you, you just might be a threat.

Side note: The world has officially taken a turn for the weird.

Taking a shoe fetish to a new level

This is possibly a good reason for why you have a slightly better than 50 percent chance of not seeing porn from South Africa.

Rap is the disease, 'K-Fed' the cure

And while we're on the topic of pop culture and the downfall of society, let's talk about another bad habit: getting pregnant.

Rap music, that terror from Africa, has been blamed once again for getting teens knocked up.

Fortunately, the record labels are already working to kill that image.

Toons can't get cancer

There's only one sure way to stop smokers.

... Or you could take away their cartoons.

However, this blog thinks the measures to censor smoking tackle only a smaller problem compared to a recent looming threat: animals imitating cartoon violence. He's no Rocky Raccoon, jack.

Sweeps week already?

Most of the time, television news is not worth watching. But every now and then it gets exciting.

For example, a news broadcast in Sweden treated viewers to a Czech porn movie for five minutes. Talk about giving great headlines.

(Yes, it's safe for work.)

Apocalyptic Headline of the Day

K-Fed performs. In fact, he closed the Teen Choice Awards, talk about ending on a sour note.

That slacker in the Vatican

Following the Pope's blessing on comedy, Benedict now asks workaholics to take a time out.

He suggests making room for "prayer and contemplation."

Disturbing Headline of the Day

Now that scandal is rocking cricket (aka: baseball for nancies and Abercrombie models), their international governing body may need to install new rules. Most notably:

Section 12, subheading 33, paragraph 45. Do not tamper with the balls of an irate nuclear power.

Baby, You Can Spit On My Car

Rap music has finally caught up with rock's moshing.

This blog welcomes Busta "Ron Artest" Rhymes to the glorious world of fan-bashing.

Me no handicapped

Remember that fossilized early human they thought was a real-life hobbit? Turns out he was a "disabled caveman."

This, of course, means that he was able to park his dingo in all the best spots.

Dolphins are big dummy heads

According to the Chicago Sun-Times, dolphins are actually quite stupid. This blog thinks it's about time those things had their uppance come. They've been dominating the animal world for publicity (along with dogs) for decades. It's no wonder they were always getting caught in tuna nets.

Now that the media are attempting a regime change in the Animal Kingdom, here are some headlines we are sure to see:

"Baby seals have it coming to them, say Canadian clubsmen"

"Survey: no one cares about the tree frog, rainforest"

"Hey monkeys, if you're so like humans, why are you in that cage?"

Why women make better drug smugglers

If this week's stories are any indication, they've got more creativity. Fun fact, kids! You can soak clothing in heroin to transport it places!

Side note: This blog enjoys seeing the phrase "tainted underwear" in the news.

Even monsters die by the bumper

A monster has been lurking in Maine for the past 15 years. Recently, it has killed dogs and has been blamed for eerie howls at night.

The strange animal was hit by a car last week as it was chasing a cat.

Stephen King should have some knew material now. Teen Wolf could not be reached for comment.

Proof that Mary was dark chocolate

Bodega Chocolates in California believes they have found the Virgin Mary in the form of chocolate drippings.

Strange coincidence, I saw Jesus in my Snickers bar just last week.

'Uh, he did it'

Are we paying attention, Ms. Spears? Do you see what can happen now?

That's right: you could look even more like a dumbass.

When this blog asked the toddler why he drank and drive, he issued this statement.

Working for tips

The Big AIDS Expo (everyone must go!) has made three recommendations for Africans:
1) Get out of Africa.
2) Circumcisions.
3) No, seriously. Don't (aka: do not) live in Africa.

SeriouslyGuys overheard these comments from health officials afterwards:

HO: [snickering] Oh, man! I can't believe he actually did it!

HO: Up high! [high-fivered]

Sixth sense of intoxication

Hot this summer in Hollywood is drunk driving. In July, 18-year old Haley Joel Osment suffered a broken rib after he crashed his car into a mailbox. He now faces charges of driving under the influence of alcohol and possession of marijuana. Osment's blood alcohol content was twice the legal limit for an underage driver.

Looks like he can see dead people, but has difficulty seeing mailboxes.

(Spoiler: Bruce Willis is really a ghost.)

Baby geniuses at work

Dear Science,
Please work on further enhancing this gene. Please do not incorporate it into cougars. Or mosquitoes. Or possibly bees. No, definitely not bees.

Thank you,
Not quite an apiphobic, but still not too keen on bees

Elvis' dead 29 years, but is he alive?

The King died on his throne 29 years ago yesterday (sorry, we forgot to tell you). Everyone knows he died like that. And yet sightings of Elvis Presley persist to this day.

However, diehard (HAR!) Elvis fan and filmmaker Adam Muckiewicz is offering $3 million to anyone who can find The Pelvis alive. Muckiewicz is making a film, called "The Truth About Elvis," tracking him down, based on sightings--much like how scientists track Big Foot. He has even set up a website, ElvisWanted.com, to help collect more information.

In a related story, peanut butter and fried banana sandwich sales have not dropped since Elvis' death.

NOOOOOO--

--OOOOOOOO!

Oh wait. It's more of a joke than anything.

World Beauty News Today

Cambodia has cancelled its "Ms. Cambodia" Beauty Pageant. This blog could not be reached for comment, as it was at the beach, which is where swimsuits are, as opposed to them being in Cambodia.

In India for "special foreign affair?"

Just have the paper delivered to your door. (Warning: possible Not Safe For Work picture in the article)

Breast News: Thursday Edition

Think on the bright side ladies: at least it's not a full cavity search.

Buddhism: the next militant religion

Apparently Buddhist monks are actually very violent people. According to Reuters, a pro-war faction of monks clashed with anti-war protesters in Colombo, Sri Lanka. The country has been in a civil war for two decades.

Name of the Day

Reporters always have the coolest names--Christiane Amanpour, Stone Phillips, Wolf Blitzer, but one Washington Post reporter has them beat.

Copperfield has secret to staying power

David Copperfield told reporters today that he has found the Fountain of Youth. He was serious about it, too. Looks like we won't be getting rid of him any time soon. Let's hope David Blane doesn't learn the secret.

Somewhere, Juan Ponce de León is rolling over in his grave.

Hollywood brings the pain

This is (seriously) breaking news. There's good news and there's bad news.

Good news: Morgan Creek Productions is planning a third Ace Ventura movie. It will be the first in nearly 12 years when it comes out.

Bad news: In the vein of such classics as Dumb and Dumberer and Son of the Mask, comes a Jim Carrey-free Ace Ventura movie. Apparently it involves Ace's son.

Ug.

British politics and the war

Private Harry Farr was one of 306 British soldiers sentenced to death until he was recently granted a pardon by Parliament.

Farr had seen countless numbers of his fellow soldiers cut down by enemy fire in the two years he served. He was admitted to a hospital for five months for psychiatric evaluation. Farr was reported as being so traumatized he could not hold a pen in his hand.

When Farr was ordered to rejoin his unit, he lost it. Refusing to rejoin his unit, Farr was court martialed and convicted of cowardice. News of the pardon comes as great relief for Farr's supporters.

There's only one problem: Farr was executed in 1916.

Gender freedom through pixels

To achieve it, all you have to do is switch yours.

What's really creepy for me is a friend of mine knows people like this. Heebie-jeebies, ladies and gents.

I love foreign business

According to Thailand's top official in the Ministry of Information and Communications Technology, a lot of this planet loves Thailand's foreign affairs too.

And when I mean, I mean loooooooooove.

Breast News of the Day

I hear men have this same problem with hats. This blog would like to reiterate that we've always advocated going without one.

In other breast related news, an implant a day can keep the shrapnel away.

"Do as I say ..."

You know what American politics needs? More hypocrisy.

This blog will endorse anyone* ballsy enough to campaign in a Prius.


*Offer invalid for any Green Party candidates.

Witch Watch '06: South Africa

Witches: they're back, they're in South Africa and the Catholic Church is not amused.

Apparently, neither is God.

As Bryan McBournie previously reported, this olde wyrlde menace is turning into a global pandemic. This blog urges you forget West Nile, Bird Flu and Mad Cow.

The nosering should be a clue

Apparently witchdoctors are not the medical experts they claim to be. One guy in Peru took a potion for better luck and ended up dying.

This blog thinks that's the exact opposite.

Interns beware

Looks like a certain dirty old man is due for another identity crisis.

Rude gators need not apply

In Florida, alligators with bad manners are being taught a lesson--they're being killed. According to the Associated Press, an alligator can be killed just for being seen in pond near children.

It's a new form of discrimination and this blog will not stand for it. The Jim Croc laws still in place in Florida are an example of how the system refuses to recognize the rights of alligators. They are merely content with a "dead but equal" stance.

Clearly, the real issue out there right now is snakes and their access to commerical airliners.

Wally Gator could not be reached for comment. According to relatives, he was last seen being taken into custody by Florida authorities five months ago.

Side note: The AP story wins the distinction of Lead Sentence of the Day.

Snakes on a Plane-Related Article of the Day

Just like the book says, everyone poops. Even snakes.

Update to Kangaroo Watch, Day 2

It turns out that perhaps prehistoric Australia was something to F with.

SeriouslyGuys: filling that "Kangaroo News" in your lives.

From the SeriouslyGuys Vault: August 15

We have always been busy on August 15th.

Friday, August 15, in the one-thousand and fifty-seventh Yere of Our Lourde

Meet the new King, same as the old King

His Royale Magistie, Malcolm, hath slay’d His Former Royale Magistie, MacBeth on the Field o’ Lumphanan.

MacBeth, thou will remember, kill’d Malcolm’s father, His Former Royale Magistie, Duncan.

Duncan was the Son o’ His Former Royale Magistie, Malcolm II, who kill’d His Former Royale Magistie, Kenneth III.

Kenneth III was the Grandfather-in-law to MacBeth.

SeriouslyLads beleaves this makes everything sqware now between families and His Royale Magistie may or may not be Malcolm III.

Side note: some One should make Songs to keep this Shite straiught.


Saturday, August 15, 1914

Japan joins Allies against the Hun

In a dashing move, the Japanese have threatened German holdings in China. Leave it to those nice fellows to defend their Asian bretheran from the menacing Hun horde.

Bully to you, Japan. Bully!


Wednesday, August 15, 1945

Bully to Japan update

Emperor Hirohito announced Japan's surrender over the radio today.

This officially ends their invasion of Asia and the Pacific islands, as well as dissolves the final member of the Axis Powers--an alliance with Germany and Italy.

SeriouslyGIs officially rescinds our "bully" from 1914.


Friday, August 15, 1969

All your eggs in one basket

An unprecedented number of hippies have converged on a farm in Woodstock, New York.

This blog recommends an air strike. Now. While they're all in one place.

Nice day for a dip

It's time for What Would You Choose? The game where SG puts you into the story and asks, well, you get the point by now.

You and your buddy forcibly enter a home, intending to steal from it. The cops arrive before you have a chance to steal anything or even flee the scene. You fire a couple shots at the cops. Your friend takes off and gets caught trying to climb a fence. What do you do?

A) Run the other way while the cops are focused on your buddy.
B) Turn yourself in.
C) Strip off all of your clothes, jump in the river and try to swim away, leading authorities on a 45-minute chase before eventually getting arrested.

For one Kansas City man, the answer was C.

Mars needs women, Earth needs cooler scientists

What happens when you allow geeks to name things?

This:

"Scientists were also expected to consider whether to bring a new planet, nicknamed Xena, into the fold, possibly along with dozens more" [emphasis ours].

Also scheduled for the summit: renaming the ice planet, Pluto, as Hoth.

I'm loving it?

After changing the spelling years ago, McDonald's is now redefining the term "drive-thru."

If confused by the spelling joke, the actual English word is "through."

SeriouslyGuys: we're semi-literate.

Ahem

This is a definite contender for Headline of the Day. Further comment here can do no justice.

Jurassic Park--but with mammals

First they made a mouse from thousands of years ago with ancient DNA, now it looks like they're going to try for a woolly mammoth. In theory, you could be seeing one of these things in real life in just a few years.

New pick-up line: "Hey baby, wanna see my woolly mammoth? It's been dormant since the ice age."

Headline of the Day

And to borrow from just one more movie: "It's good to be the king."

Or his brother. Whatever.

This blog does not pretend to understand royalty, just booze, broads and bingo.

Attention nerds

Set phasers to "masturbate."

Engage.

Japan PM: What?

"Too soon?"

Slow News Day Story of the Day

You're probably wondering why there aren't many posts on SG today. There's one simple reason for that: nothing's really going on. Everyone's focused on the cease fire in Lebanon and no one's doing much of anything else.

It's tough to make fun of the news when no one's reporting anything. Sometimes, as a journalist, you have to dig for stories. You have to comb the streets with a fine comb and find the story that's been overlooked for far too long. It could be a profile on the guy who sells magazines on the corner, or a report on how the summer's traffic is going locally, but it has to be something and it has to be dug for.

Or you could just pull stuff off the top of your head.

You would honk too if it happened to you

There's something about this whole outcry by "enthusiasts" that just seems fowl.

"Engrish First" program mirrored in China

To save their culture--and promote weak Chinese cartoons--China is moving The Simpsons and that anime crap from primetime lineups.

A ban on pizza is also in the works. Sorry, Chinese kids: it's back to rice for you.

Crazy for sale

Need a vintage typewriter? How about a book of 23-cent stamps? According to United Press International, there's going to be an online auction of many of Unabomber Ted Kaczynski's personal effects.

Sadly, one item missing from the auction is a beard trimmer.

SeriouslyGuys blessed by Pope

*Ahem*

"'I'm not a man who constantly thinks up jokes. But I think it's very important to be able to see the funny side of life and its joyful dimension and not to take everything too tragically,' [Pope Benedict] said. 'I'd also say it's necessary for my ministry.'"

And that's where we come in.

Thanks, your Holiness!

Attention guys

Think size doesn't matter? Think again. Nearly 2,500 scientists are about to debate the issue itself.

Moment of silence

Let us all mourn the passing of Fred the tabby cat, better known as "Undercover Kitten." According to Associated Press, Fred was killed in a traffic accident.

Key quote: "The district attorney's office said that Fred had been 'preparing for a new career in education ....'"

Bad mothers, part II

Who says porn movies aren't based somewhat on reality?

He may be a complicated man, but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have sex with a 15-year-old girl "about 20 times over two months."

Shaft!

Right on.

Saved by the Bell: The Poor Years

It seems Dustin Diamond can't get a break these days. First, he is forced to sell T-shirts to save his about-to-be-foreclosed house, now he's getting attacked by women who break into his hotel room.

It just goes to show you, even the smart kid you graduated with may not end up succeding in life. Buy a shirt, people. What would Zack Morris do?

iPod: getting teens laid update

Despite the latest depraved songs blaring through iPods, teens are actually doing it less.

Porky's was such a lie.

Time to burn all those letters

This blog was unaware that these shows were even still being made. For our money, "Cheaters" is much more entertaining.

Planes, trannies and lip gloss

This blog predicts mug shots of Sandra Bernhardt any day now.

Which raises a question about Hollywood: what if they planned a protest, but nobody showed up?

Escupimos en su comida

Apparently, guilt burns the mouth. Personally, I'd rather have my mouth burned by guilt than my colon burned by a Taco Bell chicken burrito.

Lame Headline of the Day

I blame City Slickers.

Side note: Should any readers send this blog a mini-cow, the Guys will name it Baron von Salisbury.

Cathoholics anonymous

Note to all women: You can't become priests or the Catholic Church will excommunicate you. However, if priests want to get married to women, there seems to be a loophole.

Word of the Day: Womenpriests.

America's obese children

They're getting younger. Now the line between baby fat and just plain fat is blurred even further.

This obesity problem has officially crossed the line. That's why this blog is going to be the first to get tough on child obesity.

Hey babies, quit sucking on your mother's booby and get exercising! Your lazy days are over, chubby. Crying will not convince us otherwise. Now get on that treadmill!

Oh, that's right, you can't even walk.

M is for the many things she's stolen

These two ladies have reminded the nation that "mother" is only half a word.

There's only one bad mother worse than these tw--

--Shut your mouth.

This blog's just talkin' 'bout Shaft!

We can dig it.

Apocalypse WOW!

The U's of S and K may be issuing terror alerts, but Spain has bigger fish to fry.

SeriouslyGuys apologizes profusely and disingenuously for the previous pun.

Politicize this

The worst threat to the planet, environmentalism and the fight to prevent global warming ... is Al Gore.

Until his documentary, global warming was treated as a somewhat scary, if not viable, threat to life as we know it. Now it's a political debate.

Doesn't this guy realize everything he touches turns to crap?

Proof to invest in a bulletproof vest

Better proof to invest in a face-mask.

Key Quote: "Hitmen coach and owner Jim Terry said the arrest won't affect Clarett's status with the team. He added that he's seen "far worse situations" than Clarett's."

That's right, a minor league football coach has seen firsthand at least a worse situation than a guy getting caught with the equivalent to an assault rack in his SUV.

(Courtesy of Alex Hicks)

Now you see me

Now you don't. Coincidentally enough, those that turn invisible wouldn't be seeing a whole lot either.

Doping 101

Thanks to the Bradenton Herald, you, too, can compete with the modern athlete.

Proposed reasons for the average SG reader to strap things to their scrotum:

1) Replacing the water cooler tank.
2) Winning the office rolly chair race.
3) Rampaging through the cubicles once you fail your drug test.
4) Slamming the phone ... really hard.
5) Beating out your 60-year-old boss for the right centerfield position on the company softball team (GO ACCOUNTING!).

Get your headbutt t-shirts

Only $125,000! Act now and get a free rimming too!

(Courtesy of Mike Morrow)

The only constants are death and taxes

Coincidentally enough, those crazy New Zealanders are at it again, this time using one to avoid the other.

(Courtesy of Mike Morrow)

Want a nice Chinese punch?

Suuuuuure!

BBC News gives the best pun related headline for the article yet.

(Courtesy of Mike Morrow)

Happy A-bomb day

In recognition of the 61st anniversary of the Nagasaki bombing, (we missed the Hiroshima one during the hiatus) SeriouslyGuys encourages you to go out and get bombed. In honor of those who were killed and the servicemen who dropped the bomb, one must drink only the appropriate drinks at a bar, whatever the cost. Remember, the cost of life was much higher than your tab.

Here's what's acceptable to drink in order of honor:

Sake Bomb: A shot of warm sake dropped into a glass of beer. Chug immediately. If you have access, lay a pair of chopsticks close together across the top of the glass, then place the shot on top of the chopsticks. Pound on the bar hard enough to knock the sticks away and drink.

Atomic Bomb: Half sambuca and half a cream liqueur in a shot glass. Add a dash of grenadine. Take as a shot.

Kamikaze: One ounce vodka, one ounce triple sec, one ounce lime juice and one lime wedge. Shake in cocktail shaker with ice, pour into cocktail glass. Drink as a cocktail.

Jäger Bomb: A shot of Jägermeister dropped into a glass of Red Bull or some other energy drink. Chug immediately.

Irish Car Bomb: A shot of half Jameson Irish Whiskey, half Bailey's Irish Cream dropped into a glass of Guinness Stout. Chug immediately. Drink will curdle over if left too long. A variation of the drink uses a full shot of Bailey's Irish Cream instead of the half and half shot.

Depth Bomb: One and a half ounces of brandy, one and a half ounces of Calvados or apple brandy, and splashes of grenadine and lemon juice. Mix in a shaker with ice. Pour into a martini glass. This is the least honorable drink, as it causes little or no pain to drink, but does cause the humiliation of drinking anything not transparent out of a martini glass. Nancy.

This blog is sure there are other bomb drinks out there which could qualify for the list. Any of which are allowed, as well as any Japanese beer, liquor or wine, if you can find them. Any drink involving any of those Japanese products also qualifies.

Wal-Mart wants to pump your cornhole

... on your car, that is.

Consider the source

Hey, India. Let's talk.

We don't tell you what to eat, and we certainly don't talk about your religion.

I know you have no frame of reference, but cows are delicious. Maybe because they're holy--I don't know. All I know is that, like most holy relics, they go great with ketchup and dill pickle slices.

I'm glad we had this talk.

Unexpected Headline of the Day

Watch out if you're driving in Texas.

They lassoed the penguins. Sadly some exotic fish died in the accident. The octopus was OK.

Key quote: "There was another truck full of snakes and alligators that was an hour ahead of them, so luckily we didn't have to deal with the alligators," Buchanan said.

A truck full of snakes? It's a good thing that didn't crash, otherwise we'd have SNAKES ON A HIGHWAY!

More proof that men are better than women

Reason #81,806 for why a person should not use a mall restroom. Helpful hint: don't squat.

Dogs are out; coverings for your dogs are in

One must wonder if the shoes will still be good at letting a user know if a car is coming.

From the SeriouslyGuys Vault: August 8

Saturday, August 8, 1863

Lee proves yeller

CSA President Jefferson Davis rejected a resignation letter from General Robert E. Lee today. Lee's attempted resignation follows a swift kick in the butterknot by Union forces at Gettysburg, Pennsylvania.

The war, which was projected to end two years ago, is projected by Davis to end "any day now," provided no more generals "turn sissy."


Tuesday, August 8, 1911

SG premiers "flogs"

Seriously Gentlemen is proud to unveil a new feature: the flog, or Film Log. As Americans can now get their news from the flickers alongside moving images of women in bathing suits and crude cartoons, we can also poke lively jests at the new media.

It is worth noting, however, that theater piano players have difficulty conveying the grave tones of our world's current events.


Wednesday, August 8, 1945

Stalin quits stallin'

After four years of Pacific island-hopping with minimal allies, the Reds have finally joined the fight against the Japanese horde in Manchuria, China. Considering we've already dropped the Big One on Hiroshima, the Ruskies look like a gaggle of Johnny Comelatelies.

What do they think? That the Chinese are gonna embrace Communism? Ha!

SeriouslyGIs reminds you to do your part and continue buying war bonds: every bit keeps our boys supplied.

The People v. The State of Intoxication

Yours truly is considering a career change at this moment. Who's up for martinis?

Feel the force in 20 minutes or it's free

Like "Star Wars" but don't have time to waste on all six episodes (especially I through III)? Britain's Reduced Shakespeare Company is going to stage the saga in just 20 minutes. The company has also performed shorter versions of Shakespeare plays (obviously) and even the Bible.

Quick dialogue with a lot of plot to cover? This thing's going to feel like an episode of "The West Wing."

9/11 nutjobs have Yale degrees

Thought the 9/11 crazies who thought the government blew up the Twin Towers were gone? Apparently they're not, and they've got some educated people on their side, as well. A group called Scholars for 9/11 Truth wants to tell you what really happened on that day. They claim that demolitions placed inside the towers, not the fires of crashed hijacked airliners, were the cause of the destruction. What mastermind placed the explosives there? The answer could shock you.

The government.

If you think about it, it makes perfect sense. Seeking to push their neo-con agenda throughout the world, the Bush administration blew up the Twin Towers and gave the press doctored videos of planes crashing into them. They then somehow lucked out on the Pentagon being attacked and another hijacked plane crashing in Pennsylvania on the same morning, and then paid al Qaeda to say they did it.

Duh.

However, Roger Bowen, general secretary of the American Association of University Professors thinks that these academics, whose degrees and doctorates are not in fields relevant to the claims, are wrong.

Bowen told the Associated Press what his Uncle Ben had once told him, "with academic freedom comes academic responsibility. And that requires them to teach the truth of their discipline, and the truth does not include conspiracy theories ...."

Bowen then put on his mask and web-slinged away.

Attention emo kids

When it comes to depression, this is cleaner than cutting, safer than cigarettes and far less annoying than your blog.

This blog is willing to endorse any shot that will finally clean up the internet and restore it to its original and more nobler purpose.

How will he know if he gets frostbite?

A Japanese quadriplegic man and his friend partially climbed the Klein Matterhorn with the assistance of a robot.

No, we're not making it up.

Sounds like an inspirational story, does it not? It is, until you see how they did it.

Stop snickering, people are looking at you.

Fatty-fatty fat-fat ... Mr. President

If President Bush pissed off the press before, they must really hate him now. Can the Secret Service arrest you for wishing bulemia on the president?

Law Enforcement Headline of the Day

It's about time they cracked down on this sort of stuff.

Completely necessary science

Researchers turned back the clock on the mouse's genes 500 million years to find ... they look exactly the same.

Celebrity SAT prep

Let's practice our anologies, eh?

Paris Hilton is to celibacy as ...

a) ... Michael Jackson is to sex with consenting adults.
b) ... Tom Cruise is to sex with his lovely child bride.
c) ... Britney Spears was to celibacy until the 1980s.
d) ... Princess Diana is to limousine joyrides.

If you answered D, you read too much People magazine.

We're ready to believe you

If there's one thing Americans can be count on, it's their gulibility for conspiracy theories. That apparently includes ones generated by the White House.

The Silver Lining: That's still 15% less than the number of fat people in the US.

Fun at the airport

If you're doing a lot of traveling and are getting bored with the airlines hassling you and the TSA frisking you, end your trip with some flair.

When exiting a plane, put on a pair of aviator sunglasses and a hat of some sort. It doesn't matter what you wear, just make sure your head is covered. Keep your head down and walk quickly. Within no time, people will notice you and think you are somebody famous. Be prepared to sign autographs and dodge paparazzi.

This has been a completely random tip from SeriouslyGuys.

iPod: Getting teens laid

Finally, the government will leave video games alone and go after something I'm too old to care about: mp3 players.

Remember, teens don't have sex because of the waltz, comic books, heavy metal, hip-hop or Grand Theft Auto. They have sex thanks to that ever-present scourge throughout human history: the iPod, which can broacast all of the above very suggestively.

Side note: It must burn the RIAA's hide that no one cared about mp3s until teens spontaneously started having sex.

Side note, #2: Proving Local6 has their finger on the pulse of young America, they also link to an old story that suggests teens lie about sex. This blog suggests baby showers register for padlocks and shotguns.

More seriously than ever

That's right: we're back. Not only that, though: we're appalled.

Yes, we're appalled at a fellow website: the folks at MoveOn.org.

We're appalled that they would use their traffic to cull voters, to sponsor politicians, to bring one of the two real political parties to the bargaining table and to oppose the war that could very well change the Middle East for good.

Most importantly, we're appalled that it isn't us: the good folks at seriously-guys.blogspot.com (which is just as catchy as MoveOn.org).

Well, it's too late to adopt their platform--nobody wants to be a Johnny Comelately--so we're using our clout to oppose them.

Not only do we support the war in Iraq, but we recognize the need to invade more oil-producing nations. After all, we're not dependent on foreign oil if we own its countries of origin. Think of our future citizens as Texans, only easier to understand in conversation.

So tell your friends and send them over to seriously-guys.blogspot.com. We're back, and OPEC is screwed.

Return of the bedbugs

Tired of sleeping alone every night? Wish you had company to wake up to in the morning? Do what more Americans are doing this year--get some bedbugs as pets.

According to the Washington Post, infestations of bedbugs are becoming increasingly common in cities across the U.S. Other reports show that an alarming 98% of elementary school girls have cooties.

Happy birthday, Blue

"Blue's Clues" turned 10 over the weekend. SG would like to extend a happy birthday to our favorite show, in which everything in the house can talk except the damn dog.

Time in

Welcome back, everyone. The Guys are back after enjoying a week-long vacation (separately, mind you) and are ready for another week of drudgery fun-filled news excitement.

To start off the day, Americans, just like America itself, don't have many friends these days.