Hiatus

Three of The Guys will be on vacation next week, so posts will be minimal if any. We will return the following week as scheduled.

Where are The Guys going? To International Clown Week, of course!

They may take our licenses ...

According to the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Office, Mel Gibson was pulled over for speeding, but was then arrested and charged with driving drunk today. Allegedly, he had had too much of the sacrament. Gibson was released on $5,000 bond.

Upon being released, Gibson shouted, "FREEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!"

Gibson was pulled over today? It's a little after 4 p.m. now. In Los Angeles it's just after noon. Someone's enjoying the life of a crazy Catholic millionare.

UPDATE: Upon review, SG was one of the first to break this story, because where ever there is booze, you will find us.

Appealing breasts

This story is posted for no other reason than the fact that this blog enjoys seeing the phrase "breast flash" back in the headlines again.

SeriouslyGuys: We're just trying to find words that make us giggle.

Trippy Headline of the Day

Scientists are sounding more and more like stoners these days. Perhaps Stephen Hawking sounds like that--with an electronic voice, of course.

Only 150 shopping days left!

SeriouslyGuys is all about service. Yes, service to our loyal readers (all three of you). To help you get a jump on our holiday season, we're providing a holiday wishlist and even keeping it short--we're far too modest to make a huge, whopping list.

1) A new small jet so we can go to Vega--I mean, get new hot scoops ... on the nation's gambling and prostitution woes ... *cough*

And if we don't get to it later: happy holidays, seriously!

To the global warming mobile!

Working in the news world, you deal with a lot of crazy--crazy stories, crazy people and more. This more or less makes you develop a dark sense of humor about the world and people in general. Suddenly, you find yourself laughing at reports of a man threatening to kill himself and his fiancée (not in that order).

When those types of things happen, I'm always glad that I can come across stories like the formation of a new group in Maryland, headed by a local man and Greta Van Susteren's sister, Lisa. The local man, who knows me through other stories, called me yesterday and announced the formation of the group aimed at making citizens of Maryland act more ecologically.

"What's it called?" I asked.

"The Global Warming Action Alliance," he said.

I nearly burst out laughing. Instantly I had an image of a group of convservation-themed super heroes forming a league.

Global Warming Action Alliance, ASSEMBLE!!!

Real World: Crawford

Life is set to imitate art down in Crawford, Texas.

President Bush has two options here:

1) Obtain a restraining order, like Colin Farrell.

2) Move Sheehan into the ranch and allow wacky hijinks to ensue.

This blog normally frowns on television cliches, but option two is far funnier.

Harry Potter shows off his magic wand

Good news, true fans of Harry Potter. If you want to see Potter flaunt his Hogwart, hop a flight to London and catch a performance of "Equus."

Side note: Daniel Radcliffe, the actor, is going to play a psychologically unstable stable boy. This blog thinks that sounds like the premise of a movie on one of the subscriber-only channels late at night.

The Post-Lance Bass America

Lance Bass's announcement has raised an important question in everyone's lives: is my crush gay, lesbian or bisexual? This information is critical for every 12-year-old in the nation, as evidenced by the barrage of Lance Bass articles over the past two days.

As a service to you--our dear, lonely readers--here's a list of gay, lesbian and bisexual celebrities. It was compiled by Wikipedia: the internet's official source for settling all arguements not covered on IMDB.com.

Let the sobbing begin:

Celebrities A-E
Celebrities F-J
Celebrities K-O: This one's a heartbreaker for me. Rosie O'Donnell, we hardly knew ye.
Celebrities P-T
Celebrities U-Z

Couldn't find your crush on the lists? Perhaps they're on the wagon:

Temporarily, but no longer, gay for media attention

If you are a gay, lesbian or bisexual reader looking for a new crush, then read the above with the opposite emotional responses.

SeriouslyGuys: Don't say we never did anything for you.

Girls Gone Wild: Massively Wild Internal Injuries Edition

The Girls Gone Wild tour bus will let nothing stand in its way on the road to topless paradise. Not even the occasional bicyclist who gets trapped under the wheels.

Masochism for freedom!

In the end, it was apparently all for nothing.

Don't be down, Fu Xiancai. After all, think of the memories that you'll be able to say ... over and over and over and over. Literally.

(Courtesy of Mike Morrow)

Warsaw--leading manufacturer of human cushions

I'm pretty sure that a 110-pound dog falling on me from 20 feet up would do more than just scare the crap out of me. They apparently grow their boys big in Warsaw, I assume.

(Courtesy of Mike Morrow)

Lance Bass update

It was the news that gave a reach-around to the entire world. Lance Lance came out of the closet. Protests took to the streets, governments shut down and descended into chaos, bets were won.

Now, one brave Washington Post staff writer has the courage to discuss her realization that she will never be with Lance Bass.

Let's face it, that's the important, quality journalism the Post is known for.

Winsconsin: We're just like you

According to CNN's analysis of U.S. Census data, Wisconsin is the best example of all of the states in the U.S.

So that means we are all Wisconsiners, Wisconsinites, Wisconsonians or whatever they call themselves out there.

Mr. Burns pays off newspapers

Wouldn't it be nice if someone would finally block out the sun? Think of the lives saved, tan nazis.

The nancies at the World Health Organization (or the WHO) recommend anyone with fair skin apply sunscreen whenever sun exposure is "unavoidable," but otherwise stay indoors until nightfall.

Fun new drug

It's from the Middle East, it's chewable and it's illegal. It's khat (rhymes with "shot"). Strangely enough, it seems the drug is widely unknown in the U.S., but is treated as any other illegal drug, in most of the rest of the world, it's mostly accepted.

There's nothing particularly amusing about this, other than the fact that it seems to be popular with cab drivers. The good news there is that when you mispronounce their name they'll be too stoned to correct you.

Armstrong swaggering

It must feel pretty darn good when the next guy to win your race can only do so with performance enhancing drugs. It must feel even better when he needed testosterone and you only have one testicle.

This blog is brought to you by testosterone: is it in you?

You think L.A. gangs are tough

They've got nothing on the ruthless gangs of Rio de Janeiro. Now that they are being broken up, the world is a safer place.

The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out...

Excuse me. The new contemporary take should be "the bugs and clothing fibers crawl in, the bugs and clothing fiber crawl out ...."

Scratch Texas off of the visiting list.

From the SeriouslyGuys Vault: July 26

July 26th is a huge day for national firsts, and SeriouslyGuys was there at each one, cataloguing them for posterity, providing our own insights, and shaping this political experiment called America. Don't believe us? Check out these entries From the SeriouslyGuys Vault:

Wednesday, July 26, 1775

Colonies goe Postale

The Continental Congress, in their abyding Whisdome, has established a Postale Servise for the Colonies. This Servise shall replace the Royale Servise, which can get Stufed.

Today's Deliverie shall include the lateft Value-Pak with Coupones for free bleeding by the Honourable Doctor Benjamin Rush, Coffee for a halfe-Shilling, and buy-one-get-one-free bifocales at Franklin Optometristrie.


Sunday, July 26, 1908

"C-Men" swarm the streets

U.S. Attorney General Charles Joseph Bonaparte has established a new federal detective squad, called the Office of the Chief Examiner. Manned by the soon-to-be legendary "C-Men," the task force will keep close tabs on enemies foreign and domestic and prosecute those criminals who cross state-lines.

This is the first attempt by the government to establish their own bureau to investigate federal offenses.

Side note: This blog believes "FBI" would make a niftier name for the crimefighters.


Friday, July 26, 1991

Today's secret word: "masturbation"

Children's entertainer Paul Reubens, more affectionately known as Pee-Wee Herman, was the first man to masturbate in an adult movie theater today.

Obviously he was the first to ever do it since his was the first arrest of public note for the offense.

While incensed parents have begun burning Pee-Wee paraphanelia, this blog urges open-mindedness: it's not like he's into children.

Ruling through laughter

Fidel Castro--the 50-Cent of dictators--reignited the Castro Death Pool in Vegas, saying he would not be in office at 100.

Started by Vegas bookies in 1959, the pool had lost interest as the 80-year-old presidente has survived nine presidents, CIA assassination plots, invasion attempts, the collapse of the Soviet Union, Freudian-based accusations, and "Dirty Dancing 2: Havana Nights."

He also used the press conference to "boast that Cuba's infant mortality of 6.5 per thousand was lower than the US rate."

COMMIE BURN!

Equal opportunity hits another fork in the road

Only in Europe, people, as you will definitely not see my employers do something like this ... yet.

Prosper, but don't live long ... sort of

An enhancement drug that doesn't live up to its claims? SHOCKING!

Equal opportunity hits a fork in the road

On the contrary, this could be a good thing: see these guys for examples.

The internet phenomena hits the world

We've got snakes in this mail package!

(Courtesy of Mike Morrow)

Hey, tubby

Put down the foot-long chili cheese dog and read this--that is if your fingers are skinny enough to click on it, fatty.

This has been another sensitive post from SeriouslyGuys.

Want to see a stripper with three hands?

In keeping with the morning's dirty story theme: If the mob has any bodies they want to get rid of, we found an exotic dancer who might be interested in souvenirs.

Also, the hand was in a jar marked, "Freddy," according to reports. This blog is not making that up.

Good morning, Americans!

Have you been pissed off today? Just in case, here's some religion AND politics to start the day off right.

SeriouslyGuys: we'll get that blood pressure up, yet.

O, sex fiend, my sex fiend!

"Okay, class: who can guess what's in my pants?"

It's good to know I can still fall back on teaching in Maryland.

From the world of duh

It's the headline every guy called roughly ten years ago. One down, four to go.

Leftist muckraking unmasked

Don't believe in a liberal bias in the media? Feast your eyes on this gem from the Associated Press (AP):

"Kent Narrows Channel Fills Up With Silt"

The article describes the silt as "damaging" and a "concern" to, of course, a special interest group: the Kent Island Yacht Club. They conveniently leave out silt's benefits to farming throughout history.

By the end, the group is panhandling for government handouts:

"[Bob] Blama told the newspaper the narrows was last dredged in 2001. It was dredged to the authorized depth of between 7 and 9 feet. The silt was dumped at Eastern Neck Island Wildlife Refuge, 20,000 feet away at a cost of $737,000.

"Blama said many waterways must compete for funding to be dredged."

How do they justify wasting your and my tax dollars? With their typical alarmist, henny-penny-the-sky-is-falling, leftist exagerations:

"The inability of ships to get into and out of the Kent Narrows may take away from its commercial appeal."

Still not convinced? The source is The (Easton, Md.) Star Democrat.

This blog believes it is high time to storm all media buildings nationwide with torches and frankenstein rakes. It's intellectualist yellow journalism like this that allows the terrorists to win.

Self-shilling

A story I wrote got picked up by the Associated Press. Check it out.

(Via Mike Caruso)

Sex and the New Zealand?

I've said it before and I'll say it again--I love you wacky New Zealanders.

German payback

Who says the Germans don't have a sense of guilt?

Oh, too soon?

Now with GoogleHookUps!

Giving new meaning to the term "cybersex".

Big Business for Dummies, Yoga for Hookers

If you want the "Squatting Dog" position, it'll cost you extra though.

Just like skeletons in your closet

Phallic organs in your poopshoot can come back to haunt you too.

Survivor: Prison

Richard Hatch won the first "Survivor," but can he survive the shower room of a federal prison? Find out for the next 51 months on CBS.

"The Simpsons" now legal

After 18 years, does anybody even watch it anymore?

This year's guests include "authors Tom Wolfe, Gore Vidal, Michael Chabon and Jonathan Franzen." This leads to the ...

Question of the Day: What does a guest author sound like in voiceover?

I suspect suspiciously like Hank Azaria, but how would anyone know?

Headline of the Day at This Point

Wasn't there a movie about this? If not, why?

More on horses, head

That bleedin' tosser must've said somethin' 'bout 'is mum.

Let's hope the old Trashtalking Horse Defense holds up in court.

Starting off the day with a drink and a smoke

Luckily, they seem to scientifically go together.

Key quote: "The study, released in the journal Alcoholism, Clinical & Experimental Research, was conducted on drunken rats and showed a marked reduction in their blood-alcohol concentrations in the presence of nicotine, says NIH scientist Susan Maier."

This blog has four potential volunteers to replace the drunken rats.

The evolution of protests

Yet further evidence that humans and apes share a common ancestor.

Question of the Day: How do you pronounce the last name "Fuchs?"

Florida fishing

Where you don't catch the fish, the fish catch you. There's a big difference here. When the fish, at least off the coast of Bermuda, catch you, they seem to employ a catch-and-release policy.

Further evidence that fish taste way better than humans. This blog will go out on a limb and refuse to condone the eating of people.

World Cup epilogue

Now that this silly little game will finally disappear from our cable services, let's never speak of it again for two reasons:

1) Soccer is wholly and unequivocally not American.

2) Soccer has killed and will most likely kill again.

Corporate Shill of the Day Hour

Yours truly may become obsessed with this show. Reports tomorrow on its addictiveness.

Typographical Day of Headline the

Pronouns and verbs were declared illegal in Australia earlier today.

From the world of stupid daredevils

Ouch.

How to pick up a girl ...

... And then promptly be a new target for Internet embarrassment.

Venom who?

Attention, true believers: Stan Lee will be in Spider-Man 3.

Key quote: "I have a cameo in it, and I think it's my best cameo," said the 83-year-old Marvel Comics master. "That's probably the high point of the movie. After that, you know, it's all a letdown."

That is all. As you were, nerds.

UPDATE: Tobey Maguire versus Topher Grace? Since when were comic books about geek fights?

Taking on a second job is a big responsibility

Especially when you have to end up busting yourself for prostitution.

UPDATE: At least she can say hi to her fellow comrades-in-arms.

First outsourcing took your jobs...

Then it took your sex.

Inappropriate Headline of the Day

This blog thinks they've courted enough youth already.

Shotguns not included

It's The Old Man and the Sea of Old Men Who Look Just Like Him. Next up: the Gertrude Stein bikini contest.

By the power of Puerto Rico ...

If she can't hold her own weight, can we count on her to perform the sacred duties of Miss Universe?

We digress: Is it fair to call her Miss Universe when Beta Centauri 6 did not enter a contestant?

Practical use for math

The first known of its kind. Now you can know how long it will take until your kids will start nagging. Brought to you by Scottish professors of mathematics who have too much time on their hands.

Porn only a minor problem update

Even Dakota Fanning cannot deny the Guys' Serious influence on Hollywood. We're power players now, baby.

When we reported that perverts face a shortage of child pornography, Fanning decided to "deliver the goods" to her biggest fans.

You sickos had better thank her understanding parents.

Coming soon to a graveyard near you

Apparently 14 to 16 year-old girls will do anything for sex, from boarding planes bound for Palestine to meeting vampire impersonators in cemetaries.

This blog blames the parents of these children, for not explaining that it is far easier to be sexually irresponsible at home or school, and hometown perverts, for not reaching out to their own communities more.

Fun Job of the Day

Japanese Beef Inspector.

Important news

Even if it is four years old.

When you gotta go ...

It takes a lot of talent to poop into a baggie while steering a big rig.

Key quote: "Nile Easton: 'Right now we've been finding a lot of ziploc bags full of urine, feces, drug paraphernalia, used needles, blood.'"

This raises one more question: no semen?

Seriously(Old)Guy

We at SG would like to wish a warm, if sarcastic, happy birthday to Rick Snee. He is a whore.

Headline of the Day At This Point

North Carolina knows what issues are really important. Still deemed illegal: playing doctor.

Sensationlism? Us?

Undaunted by her frequent contact with Kevin James, the Cruises allowed Leah Remini to fondle their new--well, newer--baby.

That's a total of three people claiming Suri Cruise does, in fact, exist.

This has been an entry for Suri Watch '06: a service provided by your news studs, SeriouslyGuys. We'd also like to thank our new ace reporter, Will Smith, for his unnerving photos from the field.

Were our ancestors chimps or chumps?

Welcome to the future of humanity ... 200,000 years ago!

We're Not Bitter (We Promise)

Although this blog is pleased that the Washington Post wrote this article about our genre, it's incredibly incomplete. We read through the whole thing and did not find one single quote from the Guys (Seriously). After a quick poll, we realized none of us were even called for comment.

In 4000 years of written current events, SeriouslyGuys has always been there: from the early days of clogs (cunneiform logs) to today's blogs. As evidence, we present a special edition of From the SeriouslyGuys Vault.


Monday, the Twentieth Day of July in the One Thousand, Three Hundrede and Fourth Yeare of Our Lourde

Welcome back, Longshanks!

Glad that William Wallace unpleasantnes is behind Us now that you have recaptured Stirling Castle, aye? Unlike some competing Scotish Tapestrie Logues, or Stlogues, we welcome our English Lourdes back and cannot wait for the Resumpshun of Prima Nocta, gruefome masse Executions, and soldieurs eating all of our Food.


Friday, July 20, 1956

Real rats, fake sinking ship

While the rest of the nation practices "duck and cover" in the event of a Red attack, Washington bureaucrats practice massive evacuations into upscale bomb shelters. Leave it to the fat cats to spend hard-earned tax dollars on luxuries when a simple wooden desk would suffice.

You think traffic's bad here?

You should try driving in Australia.

Side note: Cane toads just might kill us all one day. I don't trust their crafty ways.

Porn only a minor problem

Good news, unless you're Dakota Fanning's biggest fan.

Scurry to Carson City '06

In Nevada, the gubernatorial race is exciting in more ways than one. Mimi Demayo the porn star is running for office.

Key Quote: "Mimi says education would be her top priority as leader of Nevada and she's hoping her hard core history will help rather than hurt her chances of victory."

Say it ain't so, Colin!

Colin Farrell has quit drinking. Well, that's more whiskey for us.

Now if we can just get Kiefer Sutherland to stop, the price of Jack Daniel's should drop significantly.

Forget kissing hands and shaking babies

Maryland's politicians want to liquor you up and give you crabs.

Knock, knock

The mobile hernia crew is headed to your front stoop, Washington. Now turn your head towards the azalea bushes and cough.

Don't sue us

Now that we've been posting YouTube clips ...

Pay heed to trends

Christopher Reeve dedicated his time and money to paralysis research when he fell off his pony.

Lance Armstrong focused on testicular cancer after giving up one to live (thank god for matching sets).

Michael J. Fox shakes and twitters his way through Parkinson's fundraisers because he has Parkinson's.

So what does today's news say about Bill Gates?

Undiscovered species adaptation #897564

That fish is either a member of the X-Men or a scientific experiment waiting to happen. Either way, it's gonna need braces.

Getting a rise out of the country

I'm pretty sure that I would never want to be handed a prize by anyone that has to do with the event. Ever.

Think it's a good idea to take a cruise?

Think again.

In other news, it is most decidedly hot for those stuck in traffic on the Capital Beltway with no air conditioners or functional driver's side windows.

And did anyone even notice that I hung up my column today?

Gov kisses Richard's drug-weathered bum

Failed rock n' roller, Governor Mike Huckabee wants to pardon a 31-year-old misdemeanor traffic violation.

Since kicking out certain undesirables, Arkansas's biggest problem is bad press at Stones shows.

Key quote: "Huckabee plays bass guitar in a band called Capitol Offense that performed for the Republican National Convention in 2004 in New York City."

This blog cannot make this crap up.

Get outta my head, Charles!

For those of you that did see X3 in theaters, my many sympathies for the state that your eyes must still be in. Nonetheless, you may have caught a wonderful line spoken by Vinnie Jones as he was crashing through a wall: "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!". For the six of you that haven't seen the original video, this was originally created by some fans dubbing over a cartoon from the 90's X-Men cartoon series. Recently, the same creators have made a sequel to the first video....and it is made of awesome. Without further ado, SeriouslyGuys now presents(thanks to YouTube) to our readers the complete "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!" saga. Warning: the language present in all the videos makes these ridiculously NSFW.

The Juggernaut Bitch


J2: Juggment Day - Part 1 of 2


J2: Juggment Day - Part 2 of 2

What's up, doc?!

Conflicting with previous medical reports, beta carotene is not actually good for your eyes.

This article was brought to you by the Commission For--no, Against--wait, For Eggs.

Cusack: Not so romantic now

John Cusack has a stalker.

Police have one suspect in custody.

Love conquers all spacemen

A note to future copycat clones: don't.

The secret lives of sheriff's dispatchers

The moral of the story: make sure that everyone gets invited the next time that you have the office place over for an orgy. Oh, and there's that whole "make sure that your spouse is out of the country too" thing as well.

Attn: SM in NC

I sure hope that the suspect gets conjugal visits in prison.

By the way, if the name Asheville sounds familiar, here might be the reason why:
Asheville Manager Joe Mikulik Meltdown

Attention Tampa Bay residents

Your lunches are going to get a little more boring from now on.

(Brought to you by Reggie, Heather, Dick and Justin, who seem to be up on strange stories and are enjoying rubbing against each other)

UPDATE: The strippers' mug shots.

We prefer "big boned"

Sugarcoating is what got these kids fat in the first place.

Key quote: "For several years the CDC has recommended that clinicians classify children who are overweight -- above the 85th percentile on growth charts that track height, weight and age -- as at 'risk of overweight.'

"Those above the 95th percentile are called overweight -- rather than obese -- to avoid stigmatizing them."

Doesn't "at risk" mean you're not there yet?

Inspirational Story of the Day

If you thought a euthenized whale would get you going, check this one out. This is the avian equivalent of 50 Cent.

Side note: Right now this blog thinks being a volunteer for the Bird Rescue Center in New Smyrna Beach is a cool job.

From the World of Duh

As it turns out, being fat might be bad for your health.

However, doctors say being a chubby chaser keeps you in excellent shape.

Nun of that, thank you

This should definitely improve the treatment of Wal-Mart employees.

First store policy change: all dresses must reach no more than two (2) inches above the knee when sitting.

Blog resorts to male genitalia joke

Fifteen years and several new hairs later, he will tell shrouded women he was named for something else entirely.

Good news is like a morning coffee

Nothing's like starting the day off right with some happy news.

Have a great day, everyone!

Scurry to the White House '04

Leaving old stickers on your car is one thing, those are tough to get off, but this is going a little far. Even for Nader.

Partyline 9-1-1

It would appear that abusing the 9-1-1 system was not a thought in her head at all. What was? Abusing a deputy.

Zut Alor!

Lance Armstrong: taking it to the French and proving that just because you have one ball doesn't make you less of a man.

Important news

Enough about politics, war, the economy and so on, it's time for the news that really matters.

From the SeriouslyGuys Vault: July 17

It has come to this blog's attention that many of you dear, misinformed readers believe we've been at the news game for 5 months. In truth, we have always been THE source for the inane, bizzare, and typographically-erroneous since the early days of papyrus and clay tablets. Heck, we're tougher and farther-reaching than Opus Dei, the Knights Templar, and Red Cross combined.

To remedy this grievous misconception, we present a new feature: From the SeriouslyGuys Vault.

Saterday, July 17, 1790

Mercantilifm Enventor cashed out

Adam Smythe, who changed Wyrlde Economicks with His Booke, The Welthe of Nations, dyed. His Remaines were shipped to England for finale procefing.


Sunday, July 17, 1938

Headline of the Day (and maybe Century)

Aviation nincompoop Douglas "Wrong Way" Corrigan missed California by almost 6,000 miles!


Thursday, July 17, 1952

Attention Germans

We decoded this message on our original 1890 Ouija board:

"Deutchlund, rejoice! The Beachjogger is born, who shall arrive in spoken chariot to redeem your culture from the dark days of world war and division."

Misleading Headline of the Day

If the Big Guy sends one of those Japanese steakhouse chefs, too, then maybe they'll all sit at the same table.

Creative law enforcement

You've got to hand it to the Aussies, they know how to disperse a crowd. It worked when we tried it on Manuel Noriega, too. The blog thinks it might also incite a riot.

Key quote: "But some people living near the park are less than enthralled. They say the barrage of 'Copacabana,' 'Could It Be Magic' and 'Que Sera Sera,' blasting from 9 p.m. to midnight every Friday, Saturday and Sunday is driving them crazy."

Nobody likes a tattle-tale, G8

The world, in this blog's unqualified opinion, would be a better place if more politicians were potty mouths.

By "better place," we mean "more entertaining."

I pity the fool's gold

Katrina apparently knocked some spirituality into Mr. T as well. Somewhere the rest of the A-Team is crying though.

Key Quote: “Yes, I am qualified to beat people up. But I am pretty intelligent."

Scurry to Anchorage '06

In Alaska, the gubernatorial race has taken a few strange turns. There is now a golden retriever in the race. The dog's name is Brinkley, and Brinkley's owner needs a hobby.

And yes, this really is a real story.

Pun time:
--There's one candidate who's sure to fetch a lot of votes.
--Talk about wagging the dog.
--When Brinkley sees pork politics, he screams, IT'S BACON!
--Bet on this dog in the race.
--This is one dogged campaign.

It's shilling time

I suppose that I have no scruples. The Sci-Fi Channel has the entire pilot for The Amazing Screw-On Head on its website. Get at least halfway through the show, and it's pure money. After watching it today, I wholeheartedly support the show, as David Hyde Pierce is a show stealer. And a zombie.

Coincidentally enough, it's not too different of a role from what he played in Frasier.

A-B-C ... D-R-U-N-K

Mommy, can I not go to school today? I have one vicious hangover. Apparently the words "after school special" mean something different to these kids.

Key Quote: "CHILDREN as young as eight are turning up at school with hangovers."

iLate

Well look who finally decided to show up? Way to be on the cutting edge, Microsoft.

Scurry to the Capitol '06

Surveys are saying more Americans plan to vote for Democrats in the fall. Then again, that is until the Democratic Party implodes itself for the millionth time.

(Via The American Moderate Party)

Great Idea of the Day

Booze delivered right to your door.

(On phone) "Yeah, I'd like the special on Jack Daniel's. Does that come with ice?"

Why it be a good life on the Chesapeake Bay

Scroll down to the bottom o' this page and find out, mateys!

South Park dodges "Tom Cruise stink"

This press conference is why Matt Stone and Trey Parker deserve your praise, idolization, and virgin daughters (I plan to have three, so we can each have one).

Key quote: "Stone said they dodged the news media back in May when the 'Trapped' episode was scrubbed because 'you didn't want to be in a headline with him and start getting that Tom Cruise stink on you,' even though they were on the other side of the argument."

Purina postpones new "Triple Crown" product line

This horse only won the first leg (heh) of the Triple Crown. For those playing at home, that means he lost. Even Meat Loaf agrees with me. Why they're trying so hard to save this loser is beyond me: fragile studs make fragile offspring, and this sport ain't NASCAR.

Rant aside, The Horse Who Lived dodged the reaper again, so the bidding war continues.

Microbes

They might be our friends after all. Moral of the story: don't wash your hands after you use the restroom.

D.C. crime

Police said D.C. crime is rampant. Said D.C. journalists, "We know that."

Colorado

Where the elected officials haven't changed in 130 years. Neither have the voters.

Attention all concerned Americans

Stay the heck away from Indiana and their Amish popping corn.

Homeland Security sure pulled a fast one on blue-state New York.

A time to kilt

Rock trends are getting stranger and stranger these days.

Disgusting Story of the Day

Quite possibly of the whole year.

Long live irony!

Congratulations Milwaukee-you just lost your safe-driving record discounts.

Kangaroo Watch, Day 2!

Who needs the Wu Tang Clan? Prehistoric Australia ain't nuttin' ta f wit'.

Of course, this news piece also gives new insight into the cad that was Donald Duck.

Chipper Headline of the Day

All in all, I'd say this was a good day for most.

Is he in the experiment or control group?

Sometimes, just sometimes, the press finds just the right source for a topic. This is one of those times.

Gutentag, Herr Pot

A German chastizing us about prisons? Awk-ward.

Perhaps after dinner, he can talk about which religion is right.

If the kangaroos die, then the terrorists win

There is nothing more frightening and cooler than a hopping bomb.

A true Rocky Mountain high

Dot com millionaires, move over--you've now got company.

Snakes: the healthier and safer airline infestation

Other members of the animal kingdom continue to look for their 15 minutes of fame. You know what would've actually helped out with the situation? Snakes.

Syd Barret has passed away

I feel incredibly bad about not reporting this yesterday. No funny quip for this piece. Shine on.

Seeing red

Do you accept the communists? Michael Czajkowski did. Oh those Catholics ... and these were the people that criticized Kevin Smith for this.

Toyota recall

Making things less safe. "That's moving it backward."

Key quote: "This fall, Toyota will voluntarily recall nearly 160,000 Toyota Tundra pickups so that they can be made less safe for children riding in the front seat."

80s games on Xbox 360 update

The Washington Post linked to our original post on the Xbox article. You can find our link in the right-hand margin under "Who's blogging?"

SeriouslyGuys: where the Washington Post goes for commentary.

Space: the new Webshots

Las Vegas real estate mogul Robert Bigelow spent $500 million to launch a new, privately owned space station. The space blimp's occupants are:

1) photos of Bigelow employees.
2) insects.

Vegas scientists hypothesize that whatever happens to the bugs onboard, stays onboard.

Putin is a busy man

It seems when the Russian president isn't kissing boys' stomachs, he is a master of zingers.

The Poles make it too easy

When I hear "Auschwitz," I immediately think of Polish war crimes.

If you haven't bought an Xbox 360 yet...

...there's no reason to buy one now.

After consumers have held out patiently for new (and better) games, Microsoft presents the same old crap we hated in the 80s. Nobody played "Frogger" and thought, "Man, gaming can never be better than this."

Consequently, this blog predicts a fast-paced pop punk cover of "Pac Man Fever."

Ugh.

Headline of the Day At This Point

Strange cuisine they have in Italy.

No karaoke in Hong Kong

Jackie Chan is no drunken master.

Incredibly important news

There's not a lot going on at the Hindustan Times!

Snakes on an ornithopter!

Pointless? Perhaps. Awesome as anything? Easily. Welcome to the closest event to a bird taking flight.....with a man!

Hmmm...I guess that eventual movie should be named "Man on an ornithopter!" instead.

Freebie of the day

Yes, the day is more than halfway over, buttttttttt....all today, July 11, 7-11 will be handing out unlimited shot-glass sized samples of slurpees. Don't miss out, and oh thank heaven.

Shroom, shroom, shroom

It took them 40 years to figure this out?

A little off the top

Africa is finding out that the Jews are right. Sorry Jesus.

SeriouslyGals by 2100?

Lesser people may think this is the end of men. Fortunately, pickle jars are still near impossible to open.

No grandmas allowed

Texas court rules that it's okay to be kinky, but not with Grandma.

Pack my bags; I know where I'm moving.

Understating Headline of the Day

Really, that's all that needs to be said.

Cool idea

Unlike this blog, other blogs actually accomplish things, like obtain houses in Canada.

Va. proves evil women still float

Besides needing more to do, Virginia's government continues the war on Christianity.

Let's face it: if the Almighty intended gender equality, He would have made women buoyant.

Albert Einstein

Pimp.

"Did I mention I know a lot about chemistry?"

You can measure it if you want

I can see the Trojan commercials already.

Knight fall

Maybe they should release another one of Tupac's "lost" recordings. But Suge Knight's Death Row Records has definitely seen better days.

Worst suicide taker ever?

Definitely. Especially since he's alive and a fatality is rumored.

Greetings from Ocean City, Maryland

Jesus died for your boardwalk, and evidently people are thankful for it. You never know where you will see Him next. And yes, that is me in the foreground.

(Via Megan Stearns)

Panda Watch '06!

SeriouslyGuys is on the scene (via CNN) to bring you all the latest news on Tai Shan's first birthday.

Apparently humans aren't the only species afflicted with deadbeat dads:

"Tai Shan is aware of the scent of his father, Tian Tian, in a separate exhibit, and they are often in visual proximity of each other, but they do not look at each other at all, said Stevens."

Certainly conflicting emotions on a little cub's big day.

This is Rick Snee, SeriouslyGuys. Back to you, Bryan.

Polish politicans

They all look alike to this blog. This sounds like some sort of bad novel idea.

Also, they may be twin brothers, but neither knows what a comb looks like.

Bad news for Monkees fans

But it's good news for the rest of the world. Apparently Davy Jones has enough money in royalties after being portrayed in Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest.

The NASCAR Bride

"Hello. My name is Juan Pablo Montoya. You killed my pappy. Prepare to drive."

NASCAR drivers with six fingers on their right hand--for whatever reason--beware!

Jailed Italian Mob bosses

They'll make you a baby you can't refuse.

(Brought to you by Google Web Clips)

Like reading Playboy "for the articles"

Utah-based CleanFlicks, CleanFilms, and Play It Clean Video (a.k.a. Mormons) and other Midwest counterparts must now keep their filthy hands off of my all-American depravity.

Key quote: "The company would routinely edit content for homosexuality, 'perversion' and cohabitation - its version of Brokeback Mountain must have been a sight to see" [emphasis mine].

Pun Time: Weekend Edition

I guess he:

...lost his head (temporarily).
...got a-head in the electrician field.
...gave the press a piece of his mind.
...would probably lose his head (again) if it weren't screwed on (or grounded properly).
...is really using his head now, for profit.

(Source credit--and blame--go out to Julie Brennan)

Two times the ouch

I have a feeling that anyone that sells Mace over there could possibly make a tight little bundle.

Also, as a man that likes breasts, I am outraged.

Move over, Jacko

There's a new celebrity fondler in town. His name is Reedy Rip'It. He's the mascot for the Greenville (South Carolina) Drive, a baseball team. Allegedly, Reedy can't keep his flippers to himself.

This blog has many questions about this story. A frog mascot for a team called the Drive? And if Reedy grabs your mommy bag, do the suction cups on his flippers stick to you?

Sensitive Headline of the Day

Or, why Santa is so emo.

Can I get a whoop-whoop?

Today's headline is brought to you by the 1950s. That's The 1950s: no fun wars in Europe, but no hippies, neither.

Other diseases expected to become retro chic in London's fashion district: dysentery, bubonic plague, rickets, and lumbago.

Attention New Yorkers

You guys are the most creative attempted murderers in the country.

Side note: YIKES!

Corporate shill of the day

We at SeriouslyGuys are not above shilling for products whose origins arise from big business, especially if said products are something that we would totally love to have; however, we sure would like a little bit of something from said free endorsements, ya dig?

And a reminder: Talk Like a Pirate Day is 75 days away from today. Mark your calendars NOW!

Headline Pun of the Day

We've covered this story already, but this blog is a sucker for jokes about genitalia.

Non-misleading Headline of the Day

Russian President Vladimir Putin is all about the youth of his country.

Light summertime reading

I laughed; I cried; I shot 32 of my peers.

Perhaps we should start a SeriouslyGuys Book Club? Let us know with comments!

SeriouslyGuys: out-Oprahing Oprah, 5 days a week.

Stop me before I clean your house

When it comes to Hollywood rehab, Ashley Judd is a sissy.

Warning: Be prepared to endure sap, sentiment, and Judd family anecdotes in the linked article. Proceed at your own risk.

Baby Boomer Bush

Here at SG, we try to not get into politics, as we're a fairly moderate and non-partisan group of individuals (for the most part); however, prepare to be both silenced and utter a collective "Oh kittens, Dick!" when he aces all the tests.

Clairvoyance tells me as much. That and a six pack of Pete's Wicked Ale.

Going up in the world-one way or another

How to seperate the masses from one another #3954776.

Bears

They're nature's college students.

Attention New Jerseyans (Jerseytes?)

Be ready for some sketchy and generally unhappy people milling around today. The dice tables on Atlantic Avenue sidewalks are scheduled to open tonight at 10 p.m.

America is dead to me

This is not a link to some other news item: this is a SeriouslyGuys exclusive news bulletin. I would suggest that you swallow any liquids in your mouth that could damage your monitor before reading further.

Is that coffee sip in Digestion Land now? Good.

Not one (1) channel broadcasted "1776" yesterday for our Independence Day. Perhaps it's only in Alabama where they can't handle all the "slavery-is-a-moral-disgrace-despite-its-economic-necessity-in-the-South" parts. I'd like to think it was aired somewhere, but I have DirectTV, so fat chance.

So if American television networks--networks that call themselves "National" and "American" like ABC and NBC--cannot salve my annual musical fix, then I submit that they must change their names, and the terrorists may or may not have won.

Happy Fourth of July!

We at SeriouslyGuys are taking the day off to blow up a chunk of the land that we celebrate today. You should too! We'll be back tomorrow. Happy Fourth of July from SeriouslyGuys!

Mentos: The Fireworks Maker

This is why guys are in charge of the festivities.

Apocalypse someday

Sure the asteroid missed us this time around, but grab some popcorn, folks. It could get us next time around.

Kids are soft

...And I blame American "researchers" and their "reports" and "studies."

Besides, weren't Darwin and Spencer researchers?

Got protests?

I'm sure this demonstration attracted an even larger herd of gawking perverts than usual.

Besides breastfeeding intolerance, they also demonstrated that native English speakers still abuse the term "irony:"

"'How ironic.... They’ve made millions by perpetuating the stereotype of breasts as solely sexual objects. But when a woman wants to use them for what nature really intended them for - nursing - they kick her out.'"

Soused suffrage

It certainly doesn't happen in Mexico. One more reason this blog is proud to be American.