(Bleep) bless you

The word "god" was bleeped out of an in-flight movie version of The Queen. As far as the censoring company knows, the mistake was made by a trigger-happy censor.

Key quote: "'A reference to God is not taboo in any culture that I know of,' Klein said. 'We excise foul language, excessive violence and nudity.'"

See your name in lights!

Russia and other former Soviet Republics are holding the Miss Atom beauty pageant for girls who work in the nuclear power industry. Everyone that competes gets a complimentary bottle of vodka...or pink haz-mat suit.

You might be able to say that they're searching for someone who has that certain glow about her.

ALL YOUR LIGHTBULB ARE BELONG TO US

The state of California doesn't like black lightbulbs.

Actually, on second glance, it's incandescent lightbulbs that aren't liked.

From the SeriouslyGuys Vault: January 31, 1990

Wednesday, January 31, 1990

McDonald's heralds end of 'Red Empire'

McDonald's has struck a deathblow for capitalism in the very heart of Soviet Russia, much more a deathblow than Rocky Balboa's defeat of Captain Ivan Drago.

The fastfood chain openned its first franchise in Moscow. Inexplicably, the Soviet proles are lining up and spending an alleged "several days' wages for Big Macs, shakes, and french fries." This tlog guesses that Quarter Pounders are somewhat tastier than gruel and hardened bread. (Guess what the special sauce is there.)

The Guys predict the USSR will be done for in one year. Remember, you read it here first.

Extra dish at lunch

Ah, the high school days. The friends, the homework, the parties, the streaking students being shocked by police and then getting up and streaking again.

Call me old fashioned, but I don't remember any streakers in my high school career. I am pretty sure that if anyone had, they would have been subject to ridicule in the ultra-judgmental, prison-like atmosphere.

College, on the other hand ....

Travel safety tip

Want to travel but don't like the pricey fares you're finding? Don't start stowing away in planes. It may not work out that well for you.

Or at least if you're going to, stay away from the wheel wells.

Altruism for all

Exotic dancers plan a strip-a-thon to raise funds for three young boys suffering from a rare disorder. This is completely and totally outrageous! Won't someone please think of the children!?

Oh, yeah...that's right. The strippers are.

Breaking news!

In case you were wondering, nude candle pin bowling is not illegal in Maine, thus proving to us how truly sadistic that state really is. Just be careful where you throw your balls. That is all. (Warning: Picture in article may be Not Safe For Work!)

Harry shows his wand

Hacci macci! Harry Potter (a.k.a., Daniel Radcliffe) is going to be nude on a stage. While he may have forgotten he's a children's movie star, those children's parents won't let him forget:

"One said: 'We as parents feel Daniel should not appear nude. Our nine-year-old son looks up to him as a role model. We are very disappointed and will avoid the future movies he makes.'"

Yet they were strangely quiet after this scene from the last Potter flick?

Of course, he does have his supporters:

"'He has tremendous support from Harry Potter fans.'"

B-I-N-G-O directly to jail

An Arizona grandmother was caught allegedly smuggling marijuana in her truck. Police say they found 200 pounds in the woman's vehicle. She now faces up to three years in prison and a $150,000 fine.

Why did she do it? To feed her bingo habit.

Breaking news from the front

Convicted of war crimes, Barbaro has gone the way of Saddam Hussein. As our readers may recall, the horse was captured after an attempt to unseat royalty in what is known as the Triple Crown. He has long been known as one of the leading lieutenants of the enemy forces in the War on Animals.

Feel free to dance in the streets, brothers!

Crimes against gnomanity

There are many things Australians are willing to take. Shots of whiskey being one of them. But there are just some things beyond decency.

Like the senseless destruction of garden gnomes. Thousands of gnomes were found destroyed, some with their heads cut off.

Police have one suspect.

Fear, for they are legion ducks

Beware the true prophet of Christianity-the ducks!

Yeah, sure, we humans may have nuclear weapons and all, but the ducks? The ducks have got Jesus. Or the Anti-Christ. It all really depends on how you look at it, I guess.

Beware the skies above

It's bad enough that we're fighting a war here on Earth, but to think that long ago, prehistoric space-man may have had to fight prehistoric Martian creatures? Horrifying.

'Birth-giving machines' sounds better in Japanese?

Japan just has to outdo us at everything: cars, video games and now political transgretions.

Either health minister Hakuo Yanagisawa has a low opinion of women, or Japan has finally made robot women.

The McBournie Minute: Protesters

As you may have heard, D.C. was overrun with protesters this weekend. Jesse Jackson, Tim Robbins, Susan Sarandon and Jane Fonda were there. There were sights to be seen all around downtown.

Shockingly enough, most of the protesters were shouting for 1) an immediate pullout from Iraq, 2) the impeachment of the president and 3) Insert Random Cause Somehow Stretched To Fit Into This Protest.

My favorite moment of that day came before I even saw the protest itself. I had just gotten off of the Metro (D.C.'s subway) and was about to get on the escalator and head to the exit. Riding on the escalator about 10 steps ahead of me was a protester holding a sign that read "Escalation is Not the Answer!"

People looked at me funny when I broke out laughing.

MasterChugs Theater: 'Slither'

An alien meteorite falls upon a small town and infects a man who can’t seem to showcase his love for his wife. The man slowly, but very surely, begins to turn into something that cannot be described other than to say a “really horrible monster but totally awesome effects”, and slowly infects other townspeople who all turn on the mayor, sheriff and others, who are attempting to escape and kill the lead infecter. Got all that? Great, now sit back and enjoy the show!

If you’ve seen any previews for Slither, directed by James Gunn, any pictures from some of its gross-out moments, you pretty much have a solid idea of what it’s all about: fun, horror and really gross stuff! If you enjoy those elements, as well as homages to cool horror flicks of the past, the typical 50s “small town” set-up, mixed in with some memorable dialog (with the best clearly being unprintable) and enjoy the acting stylings of Nathan Fillion, the great Michael Rooker and Gregg Henry, this film is sure to twinkle your horror toes, particularly if mutating monsters, slugs, zombies and really disgusting scenarios are your bag o’ chips. I got exactly what I thought I was going to get from this movie, and maybe a little more as I really didn’t think the effects would be as effective as they were (most of them are practical, as opposed to CGI) and the dialog was also a lot funnier than I expected. The film starts off with your typical small town set-up, establishing all of the characters slowly, but surely, and teasing us with some effects as the “alien” being lands in a field outside of town; however, once the extra-terrestrial being infects Rooker’s character, the fun really begins as he mutates and the fit hits the shan.

The rest of the cast compliments the material just as they should in a film like this. Elizabeth Banks, still hot off of her role as the hottie of 40 Year-Old Virgin, gets the job done as Starla, the wife who picked the wrong night to not be in the mood. Gregg Henry steals every scene he’s in as he hams it up as the local mayor with a bad attitude. Michael Rooker, playing the tragically possessed jilted husband, under what appears to be a solid ton of rubber effects makeup, even appears to be having a good time. Gunn’s wife Jenna Fisher of NBC’s “The Office” turns up in a small role, and true to its stock and heritage, the film features cameos by Lloyd Kaufmann and Rob Zombie.

Icky but never overly bloody, Slither still manages to happily buck the trend of the PG-13 horror movie. Former St. Louisan Gunn made his way home for this screening, and graciously answered a bunch of questions after the film. He's attested that this film was nothing short of a labor of love, paying homage to Cronenberg’s Shivers, as well as his Troma days of Tromeo & Juliet. He's also discussed his usage of both practical puppet effects and CGI, both of which work well, but both of which were also greatly challenging to him as a director. Slither is just pure fun to watch and though it won’t go down in history as one of the better movies made, that’s its saving grace in that the movie doesn’t take itself too seriously. I really don’t think movies like this will ever go out of style as there seems to always be some sort of yearning for the zombie movie. Yes, its fun to watch and yes it’s predictable. The actors might not always be familiar but really … so what? There are far worse movies out there that are trying to make a point and Slither is one that is best seen taken at face value. Check your mind at the door and sit back and enjoy. I did.

Dying to get married

As if China could not get any weirder, three Chinese men were arrested for killing two women and selling their corpses as "ghost brides" for dead single men. Is this Burton-esque or what?

Not to be culturally insensitive, but does marrying a dead person with another dead person make any sense? Is there some sort of tax break?

The lions are coming

After a bit of a lull in animal aggression, it seems our enemies are back at it. Two mountain lions attacked a 70-year old man in California. The man had his 65-year old wife were out walking in a state park when he was attacked.

The man's wife saved him by beating the lions with a log and stabbing them with a pen.

This blog salutes their bravery. It's an ugly war, but it's good to know we have the courage to stand up to the evildoers.

Girls just want to have body counts

A chilling story this morning as a high school plot to kill is uncovered in Tennessee today. A principal found a list of 300 names of people six girls wanted to kill. These girls had some killing to do, and it was serious.

Key quote: "School officials said the list, discovered in a classroom trash can, mostly named students and faculty members but also included Tom Cruise, Oprah Winfrey and the Energizer Bunny."

On second thought, this blog thinks these girls were in the right. Who doesn't want to kill Tom Cruise and Oprah Winfrey? And the Energizer Bunny? Not a soul on this planet doesn't want to make him stop going and going and going and going.

Slow News Day Story of the Day

It was recently discovered that microwaving sponges can kill just about any potentially harmful bacteria on a sponge. There was just one thing they left out of the original report: the sponges have to be damp when microwaved or they catch fire.

Key quote: "However, when I put my sponge/scrubber into the microwave, it caught fire, smoked up the house, ruined my microwave, and pissed me off," one correspondent wrote in an e-mail to Reuters.

Attention scientists of Japan

Stop trying to sell out your race to your new animal overlords. No matter how ugly and dead your new overlords may be.

Never bring a slingshot to a gun fight

Projectile weapons? Check.

Newfound mascot in Dennis the Menace? Check.

Ability to stop criminals that have guns? Uh-oh.

Like the rest of Tijuana, the weaponry found on the police force just ain't pretty. I recommend that they restock with bolas. And twigs off of trees. They're just as effective.

That burning sensation

According to the Associated Press, the military's newest weapon is a ray gun. Is that incredibly cool or what?

The down side is that it's not lethal. It only makes people feel like they are going to catch on fire. It would be much cooler if they actually caught on fire. This blog says boo to you, military.

A new taste 'experience'

Ever wanted to taste a rock star? Probably not. Well you're going to have the chance to anyway. There is a new energy drink with a Jimi Hendrix theme being created right now.

Mmmmm, I can taste the Purple Haze now.

From the Seriously Guys Vault: Jauary 34, 1935

SG Historian Note: This may have been the first instance of Booze News, but we'll keep searching the Vault.

Thursday, January 24, 1935

Yes we can

Just two years after the end of Prohibition, beermakers have innovated our drinking habits with canned beer.

Breweries have perfected a technique of coating the inside of cans so that the beer does not taste like tin.

This rlog (radio log) can't wait to drink away the rest of this Depression. Anyone got a can opener?

Attention citizens of Hawaii

If you're going to get upset about a new MTV reality show that is pretty much just a bunch white kids trying to get laid, but just in Hawaii, then there's probably something you should know: you should probably know that all of MTV's current shows are about a bunch of white kids trying to get laid. Do protest against them though: perhaps they'll get rid of their VJ's that way. Or at the very least, Dashboard Confessional.

From the "just do your job" files

A "prominent public-health researcher" is arrested for enjoying the urinals a bit too much in Atlanta's Hartsfield-Jackson Airport. Shouldn't a public-health researcher know just exactly what the public stalls are for?

Where exactly does the wind go sweeping down the plain?

Oklahoma is celebrating its centennial. For those of you who do not know, Oklahoma is a state famous for at one time being a big patch of "Indian Territory." Glad they did away with that! The Trail of Tears? Emo.

Apparently they became a state in 1907. In 1957 they celebrated 50 years. Part of the celebration was burying a car. Guess what? They are going to unearth it this year. Aren't you excited? Wooooo!

Headline of the Day

It's bad enough an embezzler bought a ranch, but ...

(This post has been brought to you by the Lollipop Guild)

The end of sinful surfing

Muslim women: are you tired of being stoned to death for showing your ankles every time you try to go surfing in Australia? Who isn't?

That's why one woman designed suitable surf wear for the surfing Muslim woman. It's called the Burkini.

Free enterprise in America #48,236

First it was English tutors, now it's baristas who are sexing it up to get more business. Those folks in Seattle really do take their coffee seriously. Oh, and for all those that aren't too keen on the business practices of Cowgirls Espresso, just remember that they're scantily clad in Seattle, aka, "Perpetual Rain Land."

Burglars and altruism

A burglar breaks into a home in State College, Pennsylvania, and all he steals is pay-per-view porn. I don't know about you, but that's the closest I've ever seen to a "victimless crime."

I don't think that's a beer fart

The Guys have strong ties to Radford University. Three of the four Guys are alumni and one is currently attending classes there.

Because of our strong ties to RU, SG would like to extend a whole-hearted "get well soon" in the form of this post, as it seems the campus has been the latest norovirus victim.


In totally unrelated news, Rick Snee is unable to leave his bathroom this week.

Boozing with Bowser

The Dutch have long been known for their loose morals, lax drug and prostitution laws and windmills. Now they have given the world another gift.

Beer for dogs.

No, really. They have created a beer for dogs. Now pet owners can say they're not really drinking alone.

WE SHALL NOT FALTER!

I almost feel like I should utter a speech like you may hear in Braveheart or Independence Day. Remember people, get them before they get you! You don't actually need poultry just to stay alive. Will it be the backyard chickens or you?





This post has been paid for and sponsored by the International Beef Industry. Sorta kinda maybe.

Some streets are easier than others

Private investigators in Australia are getting paid by the government to have sex with prostitutes in order to "gather evidence" against them. It's nice work if you can get it, but just like other government-based jobs, there are still on-the-job hazards to watch out for.

If you give a man an erection ...

Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you've recovered from our global warming announcement. However, there is more news.

We now know who is responsible for AIDS.

It was old guys popping boner pills all along.

We would also like to thank the AIDS Healthcare Foundation for proving that non-profit groups will do anything for relevance.

Some like it hot

Oh my god! There is no global warming because it's cold outside! Huzzah!

But weren't we convinced we were on the eve of destruction just a few weeks ago?

Before resorting to cannibalism, let's do our breathing exercises. (Woo-saaah.)

Feeling calm now?

Relaxed?

At peace?

Good, because the weather doesn't really matter.

The McBournie Minute: Snow

Over the weekend the D.C. metro area finally got its first snow of the season. It was actually more freezing rain than anything. For those of us who were lucky enough to be driving in it yesterday, it was an experience.

What's interesting is that in this part of the world, people know they will see snow at some point, it may not be as common as places farther north, but it's not like they've never seen it before. One would think that these people would have some sense of how to drive in the not-so-great conditions on the road.

One would be wrong if one thought that. People are idiots. The most that fell was only a couple inches at most, but cars were off the road everywhere, not that there were any salt trucks or plows. Maybe I am just used to driving in the winter because I am from New England, but the roads were not even that bad.

Alright, I'm done complaining. Time to scrape the car off again.

MasterChugs Theater: 'Cemetery Man'

A rollicking good time that doesn't care one what about visual excess or maximum gore, Cemetery Man will entertain far more people than I presume would expect to enjoy it. Rupert Everett's star qualities, finally made known to a broad audience since his killer turn in My Best Friend's Wedding, are the perfect blend of smirkiness and swarthiness to hold together this tale of a graveyard attendant who is constantly, wearily assaulted by the corpses of people who just don't feel like being dead. The buzz of Rupert's doorbell usually signals the arrival of one such zombie, whom he promptly and even politely kills, then buries with the help of his mishmouthed, hunchback assistant Gnaghi. All in a day's work for Rupert, whose name in this baroquely perverse film is Francesco Dellamore Dellamorte, which literally translates to "Francesco of Love, of Death."

Cemetery keeper Francesco Dellamorte (Rupert Everett) already lives a creepy life among the gravestones with his loyal but half-witted assistant Gnaghi (Francois Hadji-Lazaro). But now the recently "interred" are rising from their graves within hours of burial. The only way Francesco can return them to stillness is to shoot them in the head or otherwise pierce their skulls with metal. Nobody will help him -- the town officials expect him to keep mum if he wants to keep his job. Then Francesco falls in love with the girl of his dreams, who first appears as a voluptuous woman in black and avoids him until he mentions that he has an Ossuary to show her. Totally not at all creepy. Thus begins a bizarre and macabre love affair that makes simple necrophilia seem like the proverbial Sunday School Picnic.

Francesco's Mad Love plays out amid carnage and grue. The lovers first declare themselves in the cemetery's Ossuary, basically a dripping-wet covered pit full of long-decayed corpses. With her passing and subsequent returns (no spoilers, although she keeps coming back in various forms, like a self-generating hallucination) Francesco falls into an insane nightmare resembling H.P. Lovecraft's Re-Animator: The resurrected zombies are people he knew and loved. The same is true for Francois Hadji-Lazaro's Gnaghi, the mentally handicapped but endearing gravedigger who stays madly in love with the Mayor's daughter Valentina (Fabiana Formica), even though a violent motorcycle accident has reduced her to a severed head. Gnaghi's TV has been smashed so he places the head in the broken cabinet so she can keep him company. It's an oddball parody of The Brain that Wouldn't Die.

Francesco is eventually driven off his rocker by various haunted doppelgangers of his beloved black widow. To please one of them he undergoes a literal emasculation, retracing the path of Tod Browning and Lon Chaney's grotesque silent The Unknown. Mirroring the film Investigation of a Citizen Above Suspicion, Francesco goes on a killing spree just so the law will end his misery. Yet the police chief refuses to consider him a suspect, no matter what he does. The final cosmic finale brings Cemetery Man to a philosophical dead end -- or perhaps a riff on the theme of innocence from Citizen Kane.

What Cemetery Man doesn't do is find a particularly gratifying way of tying up its plot strands or even its more admirably interesting themes, opting instead to sort of peter out into a bizarre ending that not many will likely appreciate. It also can't be said that Cemetery Man exactly breaks new ground in cinematic technique, though jokes aside, the creepy score by Manuel De Sica and Riccardo Besio was hands down the best I heard in 1996, The English Patient and The Portrait of a Lady be damned. Besides, all things considered, Cemetery Man is a juicy sampler of comedy, sex (mmmm, Anna Falchi), outlandishly graphic ghost story, and adventurous genre-hopping aplomb. It's a movie about spirits that won't die, and except for in its flaccid last half-hour, the spirit of Soavi's film doesn't lag a bit, either.

Stalking the deceased is pretty easy

Every celebrity has a cult like following. Some of them are even lucky enough to have a stalker or two. One common trait is that all of the celebrities are currently living. Not so for Edgar Allan Poe.

A strange man has been visiting Poe's grave in Baltimore for the 58th straight day. No one knows who he is. He was nearly discovered recently, but managed to slip away.

By the way, SG would like to send out a "happy birthday" to Poe, who turns 198 today. We'll drink a cask of Amontillado for you.

Doooooooooon't stop

Belieeeeeeeeeevin'!!! Hold onto that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeling!!!

Hugh Hefner, who turns 81 in April, says he might want to father another child with one of his current harem brothel bordello girlfriends. You'd the think tap just might have run dry by now, right?

You move, the town moves with you

Think your town sucks? Everyone thinks that. What's worse, they're all saying that about you and your town behind your back. You may want to wear a tin foil hat.

One Swedish town sucks so much they have to move it elsewhere.

Never bring a knife to a gunfight

Variation on the theme #75,893: sci-fi meets feudal Japan.

MENSA bars popping up everywhere

Tired of dating the same old bimbos and floozies? We didn't think so, but what the heck, humor us.

A new study, once again done in England, found that well-educated women were more likely to binge drink than less-educated ones. That means if you want to date a smart girl, pick her up at a bar.

It also means if you have a girlfriend who refuses to drink, you can call her stupid and have scientific evidence to back it up.

Attention citizens of Tennessee

A legislator in Tennessee wants to impose a new tax on porn in order to eliminate the sales tax on groceries. Yes, you may quite possibly have to choose between porn and food, and for some of you, that may lead to the grim reality of you starving to death. For shame.

Also, the story? Best headline rhyme ever.

One less Starbucks in the world

And in the world, I mean China. I guess the store didn't sell enough ""I visited the most hypocritical six square foot of land on Earth and all I got was this lousy mug" mugs.

Women really are jealous

According to a study in London, women will find men attractive if they see other women attracted to them. What's worse, those women, when seeing the men without the women accompanying them, did not find the men as attractive.

Thus proving the old guy adage that women only notice you when you have a girlfriend.

There you have it, guys: have a female friend in need of some cash? Pay her to walk around with you and look incredibly happy. You'll be able to get any woman you want. Even if you're a loser.

Side note: what the hell is with the seahorse picture on that link?

This entire court is out of order

Think courts are exciting places? Put down the bong and go outside. You are terribly wrong and have been watching way too much Law & Order. Courts are extremely boring to the uninitiated. Even exciting cases can be very dull.

Unless you are before the Michigan Supreme Court.

The Justices of the Michigan Supreme Court are bickering amongst themselves. So much so that LAWYERS are even complaining about their behavior. I smell sitcom!

Key quote: "One justice referred to another as a 'very angry, sad woman' and suggested she go on a hunger strike for everyone else's benefit."

In honor of true salesmanship and service with a smile

Amsterdam is reportedly putting up a statue honoring the world's prostitutes.

Reminder: you can look all you want, but if you want to touch it, it's going to cost you. Quite possibly in more ways than one.

Licenses, get yer licenses here at the nation's capital!

Here's a rare opportunity to buy a nude dancing license in Washington, D.C. I knew someone that used to have one of those, but I'm pretty sure that Paul left it in his other wallet. Coincidentally enough, no one will make you strip for this license.

From the SeriouslyGuys Vault: January 17, 1994

Monday, January 17, 1994

It's good to be the president?

Paula Jones accused President Bill Clinton of sexual harrassment and defamation of character. The former Arkansas state clerk is suing for $700,000.

We briefly spoke with President Clinton:

SG: Mr. President, did you have sex with Ms. Jones?
BC: No. I did not have sexual relations with that woman.
SG: Whew--we believe you. Man, was she a dog.
BC: I don't know, she kinda reminded me of Fran Drescher.
SG: Does Ms. Jones sound like her?

This tlog (TV log) is fairly sure that even if President Clinton nailed Paula Jones, he's learned his lesson and will never abuse his power again ... or at least use it to abuse something that's housebroken.

Ralph the Whale Shark update

After last week's "accidental" death of Ralph the Whale Shark at the Georgia Aquarium, not everyone is convinced there was not foul play involved. Apparently they are doing tissue tests on samples taken from Ralph to determine the cause of death.

We need to eliminate these species traitors. The Georgia Aquarium is an underwater death camp and that's the way it should stay. Bury Ralph at sea in a mass grave and let's move on.

Handy crime tips #77,528 and 77,529

When driving a stolen car, allowing your female passenger to stand out of the sunroof with her shirt off is not considered "keeping a low profile."

AND

If you're Swedish, in Thailand, and facing five years in prison for stealing condoms, saying "I was drunk and needed condoms" probably isn't justification enough for a pardon.

Handy office tip #85,318

How do you handle a potential sexual harassment law suit from one of your ice skating cheerleader employees? Simple, make her out to be a pill-popping, racist, sex-obsessed street-woman. Works every time.

How to serve man

Take one robot body with a head attached to it. Allow it to not scare the life out of children.

How not to serve man: take simply a disembodied robot head and have it scare the living crap out of humanity in the name of science. Because, after all, Einstein would be proud of science scaring little children.

Next up: robotic AIDS victims. Watch out for those ones too, kids.

Lonely ladies, meet Chugs

According to The New York Times, 51% of ladies are living without husbands.

Ladies, The Guys feel your pain. You don't have to live alone.

To help offset this defecit, we're offering up one of our own: Chris "Chugs" Taylor.

Chugs Taylor is our resident movie buff. He will watch movies with you.

He enjoys Outkast, Modest Mouse, and The Godfather.

Did we mention he's a college graduate? And he can get you all that insurance you need.

So ladies, you don't have to live alone. Chugs will let you give him all that loving and free food you've been saving up for a husband. Email Chugs and thank your local SeriouslyGuys today!

The ladies don't like beer bellies

Think your life sucks? At least you're not too fat to have sex like Chuang Chuang. Pandas are without a doubt one of the most neutral in the War on Animals. They rarely breed in captivity and their young die easily.

But if they can be too fat to mate, their lifestyles are far to decadent. This blog is calling for the War on Animals to extend to pandas--regardless of how cute they might be. Let's teach them some humility.

It begins anew

Run for the hills!

Cure for a case of the Mondays

Having a bad day? Don't worry, this will cheer you up.

SeriouslyGuys: We're the ones laughing on the sinking ship.

Wii have a fatality

People are dying to get a Nintendo Wii--literally. A 28-year old mother of three died of water intoxication after participating in a contest called "Hold Your Wee for a Wii." The game tested how much water a person could drink without peeing.

Not a funny story until you hear this: The radio station holding the competition is called KDND, The End.

It's OK to laugh at that, really.

Putting the 'foul' in 'fowl' ... or vice versa

Just when you think that tensions between the U.S. and Asian countries is bad, one of the countries pulls off a move that can help everyone out in the long run.

... Wait a minute ....

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnd then someone in Europe tries to kill us all.

The real winners are losers

So Katie Rees, the former Miss Nevada, has her title booted, then gets handed $2 million to work at a casino in Las Vegas? It quite appears that girls who actually win beauty pageants are suckers.

The McBournie Minute: Dead people

It seems like everyone who is anyone is dying these days. Gerald Ford, James Brown, Saddam Hussein, etc. If dying is now en vogue among celebrities, let me be the first to say: go for it, I'll help. In fact, here's a couple celebrities I wouldn't mind seeing involved in a tragic accident with a train:

Tom Cruise--I'm pretty sure this guy's on everyone's list. At some point this guy just went nutso. Celebrities acting crazy is fine by me, it's when they become preachy nutso celebrities that I draw the line.

Patrick Dempsey--Hey, good for you, you made a comeback. Great, you have a hit show now. Shave, for the love of god. It's one thing to go for the three-day stubble look, but it's another to have two layers of stubble, one goatee-like layer and another layer everywhere else.

Random news, 24 is back. Kick ass.

MasterChugs Theater: 'Hot Shots! Part Deux'

Everyone loves a good spoof. Well, maybe not everyone. Osama Bin Laden probably doesn't like a good spoof. Neither does Mickey Rourke. Or Charles Manson. Other than those goons, everyone else just loves a goof spoof. The ZAZ team (Jerry Zucker, Jim Abrahams, David Zucker) perfected the genre with their outrageously great giggle fest Airplane!. Since then we've had our share of great gag movies (Top Secret!, The Naked Gun series) and not so great gag movies (uh … anything Leslie Nielson starred in after The Naked Gun). In 1991, writer Pat Proft (Real Genius, the highly underrated Brain Donors) and director/co-writer Jim Abrahams lampooned Top Gun with their wacky hit Hot Shots!. In 1993, they took on the Rambo trilogy with their equally goofy sequel Hot Shots! Part Deux. Lock and load for fun.

Yes, I realize how truly awful that statement was.

The simple enough story goes something like this: since being inexplicably dumped by Ramada (Valeria Golino), the love of his life, Topper Harley (Charlie Sheen), the erstwhile hero of Hot Shots!, has retreated into a monastery to contemplate the meaning of life. His time of solitude comes to an end, however, when his good friend and former superior, Colonel Denton Walters (Richard Crenna), is captured by Saddam Hussein, and a sexy female CIA operative (Brenda Bakke) arrives at the monastery to recruit Topper for the rescue mission. Biceps bulging and guns blazing, Topper charges into Iraq, letting nothing get in his way.

The supporting cast in the film works astoundingly well, with each person playing the material with the appropriate amount of seriousness it deserves and needs (which is, after all, the only true way a movie like this works). Valeria Golino effuses sexiness as Topper's love interest in the movie. And who knew Jon Cryer could be such a good crack up? In the film (possibly even funnier than its predecessor), we get Miguel Ferrer in a funny departure from his villainous roles, Richard Crenna doing a spoof of Lt. Troutman from those silly but fun Rambo movies, and some random actor as Saddam Hussein in one of the funniest opening scenes ever put on film (did you know that Saddam apparently uses the clapper each night before bed?).

Hot Shots! Part Deux is jam packed with jokes upon jokes upon even more jokes, which really shouldn't be a surprise given its ancestors. Film parodies abound. Puns run rampart. There's even a great gag where Sheen's father shows up to ... nope, you'll have to look out for Martin on your own. If ever there were movies worth owning just out of sheer giddy fun, it's both Hot Shots! and Hot Shots! Part Deux. Hot Shots! Part Deux will never change the face of cinema, but it did crack me up for almost an hour and a half. That's the mark of a good movie, because after all, my word is law.

Oh, c'mon, I kid! Hot Shots! Part Deux will make you laugh or your money back*! How can you go wrong when you've got one of the creators of Airplane!, Lloyd Bridges, and Saddam Hussein packing his daily meal in a kids lunch box? Enjoyable and utterly stoopid, the movie is well worth your time and money. Brains optional.

*Chugs cannot be held responsible for guarantees such as this. In the event that you do not laugh, it is suggested to take your claim with Harvey Weinstein or a brick wall, whichever is easier to deal with.

Disease on the high seas

In the War on Animals, there are no rules. There are no front lines, either. Thankfully, there are death camps.

One such place is the Georgia Aquarium in Atlanta. Last week, they euthanized a beluga whale. Today, a whale shark at the aquarium "got sick and died (wink, wink)." Don't be afraid of admitting the truth, Georgia Aquarium. The Geneva Convention only applies to humans.

SG salutes the aquarium for taking down the whale population one disease-related death at a time.

Time to break out the penecillin

Doctors have learned that a virulent new skin infection can be spread by sexual activity. But only if you're doing it right.

The moral of the story? Oh c'mon, even we're not that dumb to make a moral to that.

A hamster in the butt can save all prostitutes

Richard Gere leads an anti-AIDS rally for sex workers in Mumbai, India. This is the same guy who taught the world how prostitution is a great way to fall in love with and marry a handsome billionaire.

Fat cat in a little door

It's Friday. You want a story about a morbidly obese pet? You're in luck!

A stray cat got stuck in a doggie door in Oregon. According to the Oregon Humane Society, the cat weighed roughly 20 pounds.

Key quote: "'It was hilarious to see this big cat struggling to get in. I helped him out of the door and gave him a plate of food on the patio.'"

I think a plate full of food is the last thing that cat needs. Picture here.

A Feud of Their Own

Just when you thought enough people had jumped into the Rosie O'Donnell/Donald Trump feud, here's a new one: Madonna has rushed to the defense of Rosie.

This blog still doesn't care.

And stop making fun of me for posting a pic from A League of Their Own. It's been a long day.

Picture of the Day

The Guys realize that we have a distinctly male voice on this site, but that doesn't mean we aren't thinking about you ladies and gay men out there.

No, it's not the new Abercrombie catalogue; this is how South Korea prepares for war.

Austrians are crazy

A World Cup skier takes a nude ride down the mountain to pay up on a bet he lost with his physical therapist. If he ends up losing a bet with frostbite too, yeah, he's screwed.

Sending the strip club moving

The state of Rhode Island is selling the strip club that it owns and operates out of the same building as the Department of Transportation. Yes, that sentence is correct.

Anyone got a "government mule" joke?

Cleaning up the Capitol ( ... kind of)

Let's get this straight: the US government has forced tobacco manufacturers to make anti-smoking ads for over a decade (yet doesn't require General Motors to make an anti-driving ad everytime a kid dies in a car accident).

However, the Speaker of the House had to ban smoking from the Capitol?

It's so bad ...

[How bad was it?]

It's so bad, that Rep. Henry Waxman, D-Calif., "couldn't even come into the Speaker's Lobby. 'The whole place was quite polluted.'"

It's so bad ...

[How bad was it?]

It's so bad, that "cigarettes can be purchased in a House store and are sold by the carton at a sundry shop underneath the Hart and Dirksen Senate office buildings where the phone is answered, 'Hart tobacco shop.'"

It's so bad ...

[How bad was it?]

It's so bad, that they're still allowing lawmakers "to light up in their own offices."

Sorry to channel the ghost of Johnny Carson, but how does a chainsmoking government justify regulating and taxing smoking for the rest of us?

2006: A musical year in review

With all the shortcomings that 2005 had as a year in music, the expectations were about as low as James Brown is in the ground. (Too soon...?) However, 2006 proved to be anything but a letdown on the tunes front, with the year rocking it more than Bobby and Whitney. See kids, I still got it. Now, on with the review:

Top 6 Albums of 2006
6. lostprophets - "Liberation Transmission"
Crazy, straight-edge Brits translates to awesome American radio metal.

5. Taking Back Sunday - "Louder Now"
Thank God these Jersey kids finally stopped bitching. It's fine for one record, two is pushing it. But by the time the third record comes around, you should have enough booze, drugs and women to solve your problems. While that may not be the case for TBS, it sounds like at the very least they got some therapy.

4. My Chemical Romance - "The Black Parade"
Seriously don't know how they didn't piss off any activists with that title, but hey, whatever works. MCR's follow-up to their breakthrough smash was every bit infectious as it was epic, even if it did mean Gerard Way going blonde, very un-emo Gerard, you lose cool points.

3. The Red Hot Chili Peppers - "Stadium Arcadium"
Anyone have a problem with this record? Didn't think so.

2. Anti-Flag - "For Blood and Empire"
For any band to take on the Bush administration post-"American Idiot," they had to know their stuff and deliver it well. Anti-Flag's full on "F&%$ You" to the current administration gave 2006 something '05 was terribly missing, a tolerable punk album. Flag got a lot of heat for going to the major labels and signing with Columbia, but honestly, would Anti-Flag on Death Row Records make any noise?

1. Brand New - "The Devil and God Are Raging Inside Me"
No one quite knows how to spell heartache quite like those emo kids, and believe it, Brand New will make you cry. But if they hadn't already distinguished themselves from the pack with 2003's "Deja Entendu," then this charm of a third time just put everyone else to shame. Sure. it's the same brooding we've come to expect, but this time they pushed themselves further on all fronts to create something like a charming disaster. There you have it, emo kids, Brand New, album of the year, cry about it.

Honorable Mentions:
+44 - "When Your Heart Stops Beating"
The Killers - "Sam's Town"
Cobra Starship - "While the City Sleeps, We Rule the Streets"
Damone - "Out Here All Night"
The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - "Don't You Fake It"
Papa Roach - "The Paramour Sessions"
Sugarcult - "Lights Out"

Biggest Letdown:
Evanescence - "The Open Door"
Should've left that door shut guys.

Record I secretly want but won't let it be known unless in blog form:
Justin Timberlake - "FutureSex/LoveSounds"
What? Honestly tell me that you didn't sing "Sexyback" or "My Love." See? You can't.

Artist begging to be killed in '07:
Fergie
Honestly, someone needs to put that woman in their crosshair.

Guilty pleasure of the year:
Hinder-"Lips of an Angel"
Seriously guys, it's only cause this band is eerily similar to No Vacancy in "School of Rock."

Single of the year:
The Killers - "When You Were Young"
Makes for a fun drinking game, take a shot everytime Brandon Flowers says "Jesus."

Welcome to BTK Park

After a serial killer is caught, the community is presented with a challenge: what to do with the guy's house? Who really wants to buy a house like that, and you can't exactly turn it into a museum, can you?

The BTK killer ("Bind, Torture, Kill) lived in Kansas. And the people of his town have finally decided what to do with his crib. They will raze it and build a park.

After all, what is more relaxing than sitting in a park where several people were tortured and killed?

When celebrating the wrong team goes bad

A streaker gets hit by a car while celebrating Florida's national football championship. His mother was so disappointed to learn he wasn't wearing clean underwear.

Na na na na na na na na

BATFISH!

Batfish's true enemy: the Penguin. Or Catwoman. Perhaps Clownfish?

From the SeriouslyGuys Vault: January 10, 1923

Wednesday, January 10, 1923

Nice Germans ready for their own country

President Warren G. Harding has ordered all remaining American soldiers in Germany home.

The president justified the order, citing increasing resentment from German civilians of the occupation force.

In a man-on-the-street interview, we spoke with a dapper young man: Adolf Hitler.

"The United States can go home," said Herr Hitler, a really nice guy with a swell little mustache. "We're not planning anything, and certainly not a massive government overthrow, military buildup or extermination of our Jews. Where would you get those ideas?"

We responded: "What are you talking about?"

"I hear nothing," Hitler said.

(Insert Animal Here) on a Plane

You've heard of Snakes on a Plane, you may have even heard of Snakes on a Train, but one man from Vermont found something much more terrifying on his plane trip. He found himself in: Scorpions on a Plane! I smell a sequel.

This is just another example of how animals are able to get past airport security and attack us where we are at our most vulnerable. We need more stringent searches to prevent this from happening again.

Headline of the Day At This Point

This blog still believes its host Chris Brooks, a NYC resident, is the source of it. But New Jersey is a close second.

The rights of the two outweigh the rights of the many

It looks like Brazil was actually serious about that YouTube business, as they've managed to block the site throughout most of the country. How will Brazilians survived without lonelygirl15, videos of cats doing random things, Tunak Tunak and bootleg Saturday Night Live clips?

Sleep is for the working

Not getting enough sleep in your day and/or job? Head on to wonderful and merry old Bangkok, where you get paid to sleep!*



*Actual sleep time and amount may vary. SG is not responsible for any transvestite hookers you may or may not pick up.

You can't always get what you want

Whenever bands are inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, there's always somebody whining.

The whining begins with naming the other inductees, as if their award was overlooked:

"The ’70s/’80s arena band heads a list of inductees announced yesterday that includes four more-worthy candidates: Grandmaster Flash & the Furious Five, R.E.M., Patti Smith and the Ronettes - as a whole, one of the stronger lists of inductees."

Then it continues into a list of other bands that deserve entrance but no one cares about:

"... the Stooges, the MC5 and the New York Dolls - are still out in the cold. So are Northwest legends the Sonics, who practically invented garage rock ... Why not such greats as Husker Du, Sonic Youth, the Replacements or Mission of Burma? ... At the very least, Roxy Music, King Crimson and Peter Gabriel-era Genesis should have earned their wings by now."

We at SeriouslyGuys are glad that the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame haven't inducted every band a music snob can name: that's what later years are for, when they've run out of legends.

Who wants some coffee?

Since it's morning time, you're probably reaching for a cup of coffee. What if these was a cup of coffee so rich, so specially blended that it costs $10 a cup. Would you want to try it? What about finding out what makes it so special?

A cat poops out the beans. Seriously, the nuttiest blend ever.

Tremble, for they are Legion

The war on animals continues. This time, the animals have begun using siege tactics by sending their dead after us. Oh the humanity animality!

Perhaps Austins needs a new grave digger?

The not so wonderful thing about Tiggers

What's more embarrassing when you're 13 and taking a family picture with Tigger at Walt Disney World? Getting sucker punched in the face by Tigger, then having your dad complain about it to the media.

Key quote: "'There is no question the costumed character hit the teen at Disney,' Local 6's Tiffany Tift said. 'But what is in question is the motive.'"

Indeed, what was the motive of Tigger? Was it the bouncing?

'Muhuhahaha' Headline of the Day

You may have taken its status, but you'll never take ... ITS AWARD!

'Well ... crap' Headline of the Day

Sometimes, it's not your fault ... and sometimes, it is.

The McBournie Minute: Car commercials

I know I've already hit on this issue once before and it may not be the best way to start off the new year (2007 A.D. for those of you who didn't hear), but for the most part I don't really care. Which is why I ask:

What the hell is it with car commercials and using songs from "The Sound of Music?"

You know that Saturn commercial where the employees is the show room are singing that "so long, farewell" song? Who are the advertising morons that came up with that? Granted, it's Saturn--the heavily medicated younger sister of the American car industry, but this is just annoying.

Then, there was recently another car commercial (I think for Honda or Toyota) that had that "these are a few of my favorite things" song, or at least the music from it playing in the background.

I am sorry, this is just too much for one person not shopping for a car to take. What's next? Chrysler commercials with songs from "Fiddler on the Roof?" Actually, that would be kind of funny since Chrysler's original symbol was the Star of David.

And yes, I feel heterosexual for knowing about musicals.

MasterChugs Theater: 'Top Secret!'

Whoooooooooo likes a spoof? Raise your hand if you do. Everyone else will be shot at dawn. In a world of spies, Nazis, World War II, and random dance numbers, James Bond only wishes he could have had it as good as Val Kilmer (yes, that Val Kilmer) in Top Secret!.

Having honed their gag-a-second style with the massively popular Airplane!, the creative team of Jim Abrahams, David Zucker and Jerry Zucker (ZAZ) turned their joke radar onto the unlikely genres of WWII films and Elvis musicals. While in the wrong hands this seemingly bizarre combination might illicit more head scratching than laughter, the ZAZ team manage to deliver one of their funniest and most under-appreciated spoof comedies. Starring a then unknown 24-year old by the name of Val Kilmer, Top Secret! is a film that boasts more puns, sight gags, double entendres and crude humour per frame than any other picture. Probably Kilmer's reputation as a sourpuss led some people to believe his comedic turn in 2005's Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang was a revelation but Top Secret! reveals an impressive natural affinity for comedy that has been sadly under-utilised over the years.

Nick Rivers (Val Kilmer) is an American pop singer with hits such as "Skeet Surfin' USA." Invited by the Gestapo he travels to East Germany (Yes, the Nazis are still in control--don't ask why) to perform for a cultural festival as a diversion for their dastardly plan. While agent Cedric picks up phony dog poo that is NOT phony dog poo, our hero runs foul of the authorities rescuing Hillary Flamond (Lucy Gutteridge), a member of the French Resistance (in East Germany still). With his manager (Billy J. Mitchell) impaled upon the Anal Intruder due to a mistake over European voltage, Nick is forced to flee. ("Ve did vat ve could, but it took our surgeons eight hours just to get ze smile off his face.") Meeting the resistance leader the Torch (Christopher Villiers) and his men Latrine, Soufle, Arc de triumph, croissant, Deja Vu and Chocolate mousse they embark on an ambitious plan to rescue Hillary's scientist Father from the dreaded Fleurgendorf Prison involving cows with boots.

Key example of the fun:

Nick: Hillary. That's an unusual name.
Hillary: It's a German name. It means "she whose bosoms defy gravity."
Nick: I'm pleased to meet you. My name's Nick.
Hillary: Nick? What does that mean?
Nick: Oh, nothing. My dad thought of it while he was shaving.

Key example number 2:

[The East German national anthem - Translated from German]
All: Hail, hail East Germany / Land of fruit and grape / Land where you'll regret / If you try to escape / No matter if you tunnel under or take a running jump at the wall / Forget it, the guards will kill you, if the electrified fence doesn't first.

Released in 1984, the film performed poorly at the box office, ultimately going on to become something of a cult classic among comedy fans. Considering that Top Secret!'s fast and furious comedy style is not too dissimilar from the hit Airplane!, the reason for the film's initial failure is unclear - a number of ZAZ aficionados consider it to be funnier than the revered Airplane! and the Naked Gun series. Acting wise, the cast has a great time with the material. The score is provided by Maurice Jarre and is suitably hokey, echoing the cheesiest of the WWII films. Kilmer has a chance to sing in his first starring role (Are you lonely tonight, is your kitchen ... a sight, are your carpets all faded and worn?) and there are so many gags flying left, right and centre that the film deserves repeated viewing. Featuring cows wearing boots, a scene involving skeet surfin' (filmed in Cornwall of all places), and French characters named Déjà Vu and Avant Garde, this is an absurd comedy that hits far more times than it misses.

Bishop comrade

The Polish Catholic Church has admitted that a bishop within their church is a former communist spy with more than 20-years experience. This seems a bit odd, since communism and religion have always been at odds.

Pretty soon Bishop Stanislaw Wielgus will be preaching about how all the Saints should be equal and without classes.

The internet is for porn and pictures of kittens

It's the same old story. Boys start internet video site. Boys ban porn from internet video site. Internet video site loses traffic. Executives flee internet video site like rats from a sinking ship.

The moral: "It's probably porn that people want."

New license regulations

Last time SG checked, stripping was not a required part of a driver's license exam, although you do get extra credit if you can keep both hands on the wheel.

A doggone tale

This story isn't as uncommon as people think. I'm sure many dogs are run over by tractor trailers, their remains dragged 1,300 miles or more in the wheel-well.

Oh, and good morning!

It ain't cool to pee your pants

If you haven't found the time for potty-training, here's a story that'll make you crap or get off the pot.

Sorry, Billy Madison, but you're going to jail.

The sky is falling

A strange, rock-like object fell from the sky and hit Freehold Township, New Jersey. It's roughly the size of a golf ball and it's about as heavy as a can of soup.

In other news, God announced he has finally passed that kidney stone that's been bothering him lately.

Picture of the Day

Two heads are, clearly, better than one.

We hope they're also twice as delicious.

The store, the store, the store is on fire

You know what's fun? Taking out your frustrations on the people that cause them. Too often we as a society are polite and, rather than choose to tell those who frustrate us that they are doing so, we take the passive-aggressive route and bitch about them behind their backs.

Finally, someone in Florida has the guts to stick it to the man--er, drug store.

Man and child bonding gone awry

It's like "The Old Man and The Sea", but the sea is actually his kid. And the old man's full name is comprised of three regular names. This blog agrees that it's important to keep porn away from young children, but we're not sure that leaving them in the car while you shop at the adult book store is really going far enough.

Stereotypical medical research #45,567

Ladies, would you like to go looking from breast cancer victim to a healthy individual? Then get off the computer and start cleaning up this place!

While you're at it, we'll start up the "Rock Music Makes Your Testicles Fall Off" and other such hit educations films from the 1950's.

PSA: Kids are stupid

Enough said?

Apparently not.

Please, talk to your children about growing up to become Saddam Hussein. They're stupid.

This has been a SeriouslyGuys public service announcement.

A father's dream come true

Nobody likes daughters, just ask the Chinese.

Like house cats, they're only pleasant when kittens: you can pick them up whenever you want, entertain them with string and win photo contests with their adorable pictures.


Once they get older, they hate you, claim everything in the house as theirs, bring home strange males and have babies.



Do you really want a son-in-law?

With a simple medical procedure, your little angel will remain small and easy to pick up, and she'll go wherever you want.

"Ashley, who doctors expect to have a normal lifespan, has had a hysterectomy, surgery to prevent breast growth and high doses of oestrogen that will prevent her from reaching adult height" [empasis ours].

Thanks to the magic of hormones, you'll never have to deal with hers.

Think a cave tour can't get any more exciting?

A well-fed woman in South Africa was warned before she took a cave tour that she might find some tight squeezes. The woman insisted on going ahead. Then she got stuck in the cave, trapping 22 people in line behind her, including two asthmatic children. They had to use a pulley to get her out.

And she's not American, take that, world!

Tubby the Christmas Pig

Christmas Eve was not a happy event for all. If you were trying to rescue a 300-pound pig from a house fire, things just got worse.

Wait, why was there a 300-pound pig, much less in need of saving, and why was the pig inside the house? Oh yeah, Tennesee.

(Courtesy of Adam H.)

I daresay call them Pornosoft instead

Those monsters of nudity, Microsoft, are at it again. A boy in Utah gets hardcore porn instead of the Xbox 360 game that should have been in the package he received as a gift, proving once again that porn in Utah can take less than a week to become a full-fledged story, this is easily the stupidest 14 year old male, and that Madden 07 sucks.

Or maybe it blows. I'm not too sure, as I wasn't the one that played that particular game.

I would do anything for love ...

... but I won't do that; however, apparently some individuals will though. A mannequin fetishist could face life in prison, because he keep breaking into stores to get at the plastic ladies.

SG would now like to announce the first annual charity event for us: contribute to get this louse a Real Doll!

SG Editorial: 2007 predictions

Pat Robertson is a pretty creepy guy.

His latest prediction of "'mass killing' late in 2007" follows his other "predictions" of Bush's 2004 reelection and heavy rain in New England this year. Why bring these up? Because they're not predictions, they're wishful thinking. They follow his political and wrath-of-god wishes to promote The 700 Club.

What he really means to say is that he wants terrorists to attack in September 2007, before the election.

With that in mind, here are The Guys' predictions for 2007:

1) Mike Tyson will eat a baby. Alive.

2) The new Indiana Jones movie will inspire DILF Internet porn sites.

3) Pat Robertson will be crushed by his leg press machine.

We'll keep a running tally this year as all of our predictions come true.

Get that white whale!

It's been awhile since we've started off the day with news this good. But luckily, there's good news again.

This execution in the War on Animals can be likened to the hanging of Saddam Hussein--a long time coming.

SG: Your source for whale euthanizations.

From the SeriouslyGuys Vault: January 3, 1521

On this Thursday, the third Daye of Januarie, in the one-thousandth five hundr'd twenty-furst Yeare of our Lord

Pope cares not for smell of Luther's thesies

Pope Leo the Tenth excommunicated th' Heratick Martin Luther t'day for say'ng mean, hertful Things 'bout th' Holy Church in His nin'ty-five thesies.

"I, Pope Leo the Tenth, hearbye banesh one Martin Luther for being an insolunt Bugger and hope he burns in Hell on th' morrow, or ashuredly by next week Thursday," the Pope sayed.

Luther could not be reech'd for comment, His Assistunt saying He was "endesposed."

Slap thy neighbor

Air travel is never fun for anybody. The hassle of security, flight delays, waiting in lines, cramped quarters, surly employees and so on can get just about anyone pissed off.

But no matter how upset you get, no matter how much they might be asking for it. Do not slap the person next to you, especially if that person is a federal air marshal.

This has been an SG public service announcement.

Attention gay people of the intarwubs

Somewhere among all those mighty tubes and pipes, no matter how often you might feel persecuted, just keep in mind-at least you're not a sheep.

Or a cloned sheep, for that matter.

First 2007 awesome parent of the year nominee

Life can obviously be very tiring for a new mom. It's good to see her living up to her challenge as "wanting to be a good mom" by taking her kids out to a nightclub with her. Maternal bonding and all that rot.

Nippon gets some things off chest for New Year's

The Japanese always have to outperform the United States.

They made our stereos smaller and cars more reliable. They laugh at our reality shows, saying "We eat that crap already, round-eye!" They eat over 50 hot dogs in one minute at our hot dog competitions. Their chefs are iron, while ours are presumably made of human flesh and presented by Bill Shatner.

Now they've out-breasted our Super Bowl.

New tool in war against eccentric millionaires

This new dolphin-based water craft should attact and kill the most annoying of adrenaline-junkies with too much money and time on their hands.

This should help keep the population of annoying sports team owners in check.

Cloned on the range

Welcome back to SG and happy 2007. Sure, E. coli may have been a problem with food last year, but this year is going to be different. It's a new year, with new problems.

Like eating cloned food. It's OK to eat them because they don't have souls anyway.