SeriouslyGuys

Monday, April 30, 2007

Speaking of MapQuest

If you're looking for directions to Ozark Mountain Resort in Montana, you may want to ask at the gas station attendant instead of heading to your computer.

MapQuest provides people will clear, concise directions to the home of Tish and Lyle Ashley, on the wrong side of a lake from the resort. Better yet, the access is very narrow and can be tough for trailers to turn around.

Best Headline of the Day At This Point

An internet based geography program is now in charge of deciding where places really are? My dreams have truly been made complete.

Still Chile, it could be much worse--it could've been a mistake by MapQuest. And really, who wants to be located in a volcano these days, huh?

Do as I say, not as I do....vol. XXVCITY

The man responsible for pushing abstinence as part of U.S. foreign aid programs resigned last week, because of something to do with hookers. And him.

It's probably just a coincidence. And not hypocrisy in the slightest. Totally.

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The McBournie Minute: Web Ads

Years ago, we won the war on pop-up ads, for the most part. Before long, people were downloading Google or Yahoo! or whatever toolbars for their browsers. The ads were blocked and the world went about its Internet surfing in peace.

However, there are new threats to the shaky truce we have. The worst of such threats is possibly those high-quality ads with movies in them. One can find them on CNN.com sometimes or on MySpace.com on log in and log out. The MySpace ones are the worst.

When you log out, an ad from True or some other dating service comes up. They are usually girls at laptop computers, looking like they want to chat with you. They type, they laugh, they take off their hooded sweatshirts--and it's all webcam quality or better. I assume when girls log out from the site, they have musclebound guys winking at them.

These things creep me out. Firstly, because they make me think that these girls can really see me. Secondly, they are terrible actresses. A few of these ads even start off with a close-up on some girl's butt or cleavage. Above it, it says "it's not OK to stare." Then the camera pans back and the girl gets angry with you for looking at the goods.

Since when did the Internet try to make us feel creepy? Sure, we stalk people on social networking sites, but we choose to. This is something totally different and must be stopped.

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Friday, April 27, 2007

MasterChugs Theater: 'Kill Bill Vol. 2'

Over a year ago, I reviewed Kill Bill, Vol. 1 for the very first ever MasterChugs Theater (which you can read here). Clearly I had at least some fun with doing that as I'm now on MCT edition 26. With that said, I figured that I should reviews it's second eventually, and I'm going to open up this review with an absolutely stunning statement: the second part of Quentin Tarantino’s roaring rampage of revenge, a “western” to the first film’s “eastern”, Kill Bill Vol 2 will split QT’s fans as surely as a Hanzo sword.

And by "stunning statement", I mean "horrible pun that manages to kill at least 8 third world nations."

Though horribly delayed in coming out to theaters, Vol. 2 eventually made it out in 2004, there's quite a bit of evidence that it’s a much better film in terms of drama and performance than the first volume. After the opening sequence, we're taken back to the chapel where the first film began. But this time he takes us back just a bit earlier, to the point right before the Bride and her wedding party were gunned down by Bill's assassination squad in Vol. 1. We see events leading up to the killings, including a pivotal scene between the Bride and Bill. The film then flashes forward to what is now the real beginning of Vol. 2. It's an excellent way of making the second film accessible even if you haven't seen the first.

Much of the second film is taken up with the separate battles between the Bride and her two nemeses, Elle Driver and Budd (Bill's brother) as she picks them off one by one on her way to her main goal: killing Bill, of course. Both confrontations are utterly sensational. They're exciting, innovative, extremely imaginative and pure Tarantino. The cat fight between Thurman and Hannah alone is worth the price of admission. But it's the revelations in the final scenes--and an exquisitely long dialog sequence between Bill and the Bride--that turn this movie into a twisted love story. It also shows Tarantino's genius at work.

What Vol. 1 really lacked was the cracking Tarantino dialog. Nothing in Vol. 2 is as memorable as "a Royale with cheese," but the character’s inveigh their words with mythic weight--The Bride’s revenge quest and indeed, the fate of everyone she slays rendered in stoic, sarcastic lines underscored by heroic, superhuman suffering. Sadism rules with a quick, slick tongue. Also, and quite obvious to those that have seen both, the second movie is less kinetic but more satisfying. Tonally, the two films are different, which may be the result of the split.

Kill Bill Vol. 2 starts off with a black-and-white extreme close-up of Uma Thurman. She's driving a convertible and as her character, the Bride, she speaks directly into the camera. "I've killed a hell of a lot of people to get to this point," she purrs. "I went on what the movie advertisements referred to as a roaring rampage of revenge." Not a bad summation of Kill Bill Vol. 1. But with Kill Bill Vol. 2, Quentin Tarantino has made a rip-roaring, highly entertaining, extremely enjoyable continuation to Vol. 1: a work that flows perfectly from the first film while, at the same time, managing to alter the tone, pacing and even the look of its predecessor. Totally and undoubtedly recommended.

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iCheat

In cheating, the next generation of technology is here. Before, it was graphing calculators, before that, it was writing answers on your shoes.

Now, iPods are the method of choice. Apparently, kids are recording answers on their iPods and then playing them back in class. But doesn't the fact that they are researching and recording answers mean they're studying?

Besides, if they were really smart, they would load the answers into their iPods and text files.

W-E-E-E-E-E

Ever wanted to experience weightlessness? You can! All you have to do is shell out $3,750--and who doesn't have that lying around? However, if you're a poor, world-renowned physicist and Cambridge professor like Stephen Hawking, you get to ride for free.

Key picture (from BBC):


Which looks oddly like this picture of SGers Bryan Schools and Rick Snee last weeekend:

Thursday, April 26, 2007

If you can read this, this doesn't apply to you

Mixed news announced today in the world of teenagers and other unemployable types, first off, the THC content in marijuana is much stronger than in was even three years ago. It has been climbing since the 80s. So the next time your parents tell you "back in my day, a dimebag only cost $10," call them lightweights.

In other news, OMG txtin mite b bad 4 da anglish lang as a hole. In fact, it is hindering the world's children from learning proper English.

Of that, this blog says, WTF?

Medical treatment can't save them

Unlike other blogs, we at SeriouslyGuys have no illusions about the impending threat from zombies. They want to eat our brains, they refuse to get jobs and even ran for office in last fall's election.

However, now these zombies have sunk to a new low: they are attempting to fleece the federal government of Medicare its funds. The undead don't need medical treatment, all they need is a shotgun blast to the head.

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Best Headline of the Day At This Point

Because, really, nothing makes my day like airing libelous accusations toward a fictional movie character.

With liberty and justice for all!

Except nude statues.

While officials in Brighton, Michigan, decide what to do with a bothersome nude statue, some helpful citizen decided on his own to just knock it over. Problem solved!

Fight them there before they come here

Fishermen in Florida recently caught a possible world record mako shark. The shark had to be pulled in by two boats, because, evidently, they needed a bigger boat. It weighed a whopping 1,063 pounds.

This yet another reminder that our enemies the animals are everywhere. Too often we focus on the ones on land and we forget the terrors that are lurking beneath the waves like U-boats with teeth. This blog applauds those brave fishermen for going after the biggest the Gulf of Mexico has to offer.

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Wednesday, April 25, 2007

ZOMG!!!111

OMG, like, I'm just so happy and stuff and junk, you know, because, like, now I can actually go and do photos and junk and, like, it'll be totally totally awesome and stuff! I mean, before, I was all "WTF U GYS!" but they fixed it for me! Yay and then my Myspace page will be awesome like love and hate and stuff! LOLZ ROFL!

In other related news, arguments and drama that are internet related or based still make both parties look like morons.

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Good news for misanthropes

Tired of all the mouth breathers here on Earth? Don't like it when people talk to you? Member of a failed eco-terrorism group? Want to move across the galaxy? You're now in luck!

The one caveat: SG is totally not helping you with your U-Haul fees. What, you think we're made of money?

They'll have great deals on Equate pharmaceuticals

Pop quiz: what's the worst thing about Wal-Mart?

They're destroying mom and pop businesses?

Oo, good answer, but no. Your mom and pop's candleshop will die once they do the same and you take it over.

They underpay their employees?

Hey, Wal-Mart employees got it made. We're pretty sure they get to keep those Shrek buttons after it goes on DVD (collector's item!).

The other people at the store?

Close! We would have accepted that answer yesterday, but now there's something even worse: the other SICK people at the store.

No one gives a s--t about Miss America

Once described as America's premier beauty pagent, Miss America winners must now find ... supplemental work. While Laura Nelson may think her new role is scary and cool, it proves:

1) If sexual predators cannot recognize Miss America, then there really is no point to the contest.

2) If police are willing to use you as bait for rapists, then there really is no point to you.

Not So Dirty Story of the Day at This Point

Evidently, Wangs dominate the Chinese landscape. This should not come as a shock to those who are familiar with their priority of male babies over female in that country. This could be a new tourism slogan: China, a great place for Wang.

If you read that story and didn't snicker a little bit, you may want to check for a pulse.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Not a dream! Not a hoax! Not green!

Only in Serbia can your comic book fan boy dreams become a reality.

OK, so since it's pink, maybe this is a new form of pink Kryptonite that the comics hadn't talked about yet. I mean, after all, there is green, blue, black, red, gold, silver, jewel, anti, x, magno, bizarro-red, old new pink and white. No, really, there are. All in all though, this is probably the coolest crossover of all time.

And in other comic related news, Captain America has been arrested ... again.

Daddy needs his medicine

Hospital food across the world is the finest cuisine around, second only to plane food. Seeking to capitalize on the fun-filled atmosphere one can only find in hospitals, a new restaurant has opened in Taipei.

Key quote: "As many as 10 visitors can sit around each bed at the D.S. Music Restaurant, a hospital-themed eatery, and watch showgirls dance on weekend nights or chat up 'nurses' whose rabbit-ears complement their starched white uniforms."

Hospitals have showgirls? I need to get injured sometime soon.

For the love of the game ... or it all

San Diego Padres outfielder Brian Giles will only do nudity if it's essential to the story of a baseball game. Or if he's just really, really bored.

In other news, select writers will only do nudity if it's essential to the story of the Slip 'n Slide.

Joe Francis update

The Girls Gone Wild guru pleads guilty to one of the charges against him and gets 35 days in jail. If he survives the whole month, everyone on his cell block wins a free t-shirt.

They're abandoning their posts

Tuesdays are normally pretty bland, so how about some good news from the fronts of the War on Animals? One of the most militant wings of our enemy, the bees, are going missing.

That's right, across the world, soldier after soldier is being reported AWOL. This blog believes it is the certainty of their side's loss that it is happening. If we keep this up the lack of pollination will help us win the next war on the horizon: the War on Plants.

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Monday, April 23, 2007

All your couch are belong to us

Remember the couch that came in a shade of N-word brown? They have finally found the source of that insulting color: a bad Chinese-English dictionary.

Key quote: "'We got the definition from a Chinese-English dictionary. We've been using the dictionary for 10 years. Maybe the dictionary was updated, but we probably didn't follow suit,' he said."

Everyone knows that 1997 was an exceedingly racist year for dictionaries, so this should come as a shock to no one. We can take heart in one thing, the Chinese want us to understand them.

Good news for ladies who like the liquor

Ladies, we saw you out there at the bar this weekend, so we know you enjoy the drinky-drinky. Rejoice and take heed in the fact that that mango-guava-fru-fru-apple sour-cosmopolitan may now actually count as a liquid equivalent to that carrot you ate for breakfast.

Note for the guys-key in on this quote: "A fruity cocktail may not only be fun to drink".



NO.

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Here and now, far and away, bananas and flying poop

In this day and age of our conflict with the animal kingdom, it appears that our ancestors have helped keep our ... "distant ancestors" alive for longer than what was thought.

I wonder if he had a stunt man (stunt monkey? stunkey?)?

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Sheryl Crow's poopy mouth

When she's not playing with Lance's good ball, or pretending to like Kid Rock, Sheryl Crow is an inventor.

And what does she invent? Lies (damnable lies!) about toilet paper.

"I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where two to three could be required."

On what universe does a solid wiping consist of one square? Obviously, Crow's opinion is based on a belief that her own poop does not stink.

The McBournie Minute: Social Security Numbers

Every where you turn these days, private information is being leaked. Bank servers get hacked, government laptops are stolen, that guy in Africa needs some information so he can send you $50,000 and so on.

The Washington Post reported Saturday that the U.S. Census Bureau has for ten years, posted the Social Security numbers of 63,000 people on a public web site. Oops.

Folks, perhaps it's time we all stop pretending we are superheroes and keep our secret identities so closely guarded. We all have these numbers and most of us have no idea what they are really for. Because we all have them, what does it really matter if everyone knows our numbers?

It is time to accept the fact that our numbers will be hacked and released to the public one day. Stop fighting it, we are all going to be found out one day. Those who are with me on this one, please leave your full names and Social Security numbers in the comment section below.

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Thursday, April 19, 2007

Special Announcement: Help save Radford University

We all know what happened at Virginia Tech on Monday morning. It was senseless, it was tragic and it was unprecedented. We were all shocked when we saw the death count jump from one to 20 and then again to 32.

As mentioned earlier this week, The Guys have some strong ties to Radford University, only minutes away from VT.

I have been told by eyewitnesses that the entire town of Radford is in shock and everyone is walking around like zombies. Extremely close to the tragedy, yet too far away to be involved in the mourning process. The shock, the grief, the sense of confusion--it is all 100 percent called for.

It breaks my heart to see the town I have loved so dearly in such condition. It has given me so much (a degree, debt, memories, hangovers, etc.).

By sheer coincidence, The Guys were already planning on heading down there. Initially, the plan was just the same as every other trip back to Radford: getting really drunk and taking pictures of us doing so. But yesterday I had an epiphany. It is time we save the town that has saved us so many times before.

We must bring the cheer back to what was once a cheerful town. Not in disrespect to the tragedy, but in remembrance of how great a college atmosphere can be and a celebration of the participation of every single student to make it that kind of a place. We must revive the spirit of what is a truly great university and remind it of how lucky we have been to be a part of it. It is a celebration of each other and a celebration of life.

That's why SeriouslyGuys.com is sponsoring the effort rescue the students of RU, indeed, the whole campus.

To do this, we must celebrate the way Radford taught us: drink, rejoice, sing and stumble. The louder and more outgoing we are, the better a chance there is that we will rub off on those around us. We could spread through the campus like a vaccine, cleansing everything we touch. We can do it, but we need as many people as we can. Join us in our attempt to revive a campus.

Together, we can fight for this truly noble cause and help them remember not just the recent tragedy, but the countless great times they have had. Are you ready to stand and fight?

If you drug me up, if you drug me up I never stop

There will be lots of drugs at a Rolling Stones concert in Belgrade, Serbia, and for the first time in decades, no all of them will be pumping through Keith Richards' bloodstream.

As many as 300 horses will have to be drugged when the Rolling Stones play at the Hippodrome, a horse racecourse in Belgrade. It is also the city's largest fenced space. The July 14 concert is causing a scandal amongst Serbian animal rights activists, who say the treatment of the animals is inhumane.

Oh yeah, and the drug they would use was big hit with Belgrade's adult human population during NATO's 1999 bombing campaign.

Welcome to Jurassic Auction

Let's face it, no home is complete without a mammoth skeleton. If you are searching for just the right thing to complete your living room, grab some cash and head to Christie's in Paris.

Soon, the skeletons of a 15,000-year-old Siberian mammoth, a 10,000-year-old rhinoceros and a cave bear will be going up for auction. Good luck getting one of those babies through customs on the flight home, though.

Tunnel of Love and other rides

Tired of going to amusement parks and being surrounded by thousands of screaming children? A new park has opened in London that is strictly for adults.

The Amora Academy of Sex and Relationships opened up this week, and let's just say the amusement rides may be a little bit more educational than you originally thought. To read more about the place, click here, but this is probably NSFW.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Break up by proxy

Want to break up with your significant other, but don't want the hassle of doing it yourself? If you live in Berlin, your lazy, kinky butt has another solution.

One man, Bernd Dressler, will do the breaking up for you. Apparently, business is good for the German heartbreaking business. The other option is to take lessons from Dressler to dump or apologize to their lovers.

Equal rights for all, even the old

You can't kick a woman out of her home just because she likes to walk around the apartment block naked. Heck, usually that's a usually a good way to lower your rent.

Holy flaming crap!

"It burns when I pee" seems ultimately most appropriate.

Make some wine for that cheese

If you're like me, when you take a sip of wine, you think, "this is going to give me a headache tomorrow no matter what." But apparently most people are not like me. In fact, some of them may even think, "gee, I wish I could make my own barrel of wine online and then have people critique it."

So if you're into overpriced wine that you make yourself, it's time to check out Crushpad.

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Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Moment of Zen: Stewart/ Colbert fans more informed

According to a recent study, the Colbert Nation may understand current events better than Fox & Friends. However, Rush Limbaugh's listeners are better informed than CNN viewers, so look for "mega dittos" there.

Basically, this means is you watch the "Daily Show" and the "Colbert Report," you know more than people who watch "New Hour with Jim Lehrer" (like anyone watches that) and pretty much anyone else in America who doesn't watch the duo of Comedy Central news shows.

The 'Inconvenient Truth' is only part of the issue

Parents are good at one thing. No, it isn't at raising children--that's something that some parents are good at, but not all. All parents are good at arguing.

They practice every day on each other, whether they argue about money, sex or (if there's nothing to fight about) toothbrushes. They practice further at work, stores and bowling alleys.

And all of this practice has led to the single greatest fight in history: if a film about global warming is real.

When asked if they believed global warming itself is real, the parents responded, "Global warming? Who cares. Al Gore has no place in our schools."

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She didn't run the real marathon

Here's a geography lesson for NASA:



This is Boston.


This is outer space.


Where did your astronaut run? And where's the marathon?

Lesson over.

Burning brides

Get ready to feel all warm and squishy inside.

A man in Martinsville, Va., saw his fiancee's house going up in flames. So he saved his mother and his tuxedo for the wedding. Then the wedding went on later that day. This blog is guessing the groom smelled a little like a campfire for the ceremony.

Brief note

We at SeriouslyGuys don't classify much as un-funny. When we do, we usually just ignore it and refuse to mention it on here. The shooting at Virginia Tech yesterday cannot be ignored. This blog has connections to Radford University, less than 20 minutes away from Blacksburg, Va., and we all have friends who went to or currently attend VT. Our thoughts are with the Hokies after this most tragic event.

Monday, April 16, 2007

It could always be worse

Man, how much does it suck to be Richard Gere? Let's make a tally:

1) Goes by Richard to avoid the nickname "Dick."
2) Rumors about a certain gerbil.
3) Has "nowhere else to go."
4) Burned in effigy in India for kissing a woman in public.

He's been pretty nice about this so far, but let's not forget that the man is Buddhist.

Parents who have sex ... have kids that have sex

On an ironic note: had any of these parents exercised either abstinence or contraceptive-use, then none of them could have this debate today.

In other news: kids are having sex! Now that's a hot scoop!

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Into the lion's den

Animals cannot be trusted. From the cute and cuddly to the downright mean looking. In Australia, there is one creature that lurks in the waters just off shore, stalking its prey before going in for the kill. That animal is ... the sea lion!

One such animal attacked a 13-year-old girl as she was surfing. Her jaw was broken and she lost three teeth. If that's not a good reason to fight against these monsters, this blog doesn't know what is.

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The McBournie Minute: Don Imus

Alright, enough of the Don Imus story. He's fired, all 100 million angles of the story have been covered, it's time to move on.

What is sad, however, is that no one is asking how that basketball team was affected by his comments. What Imus said was wrong, but how is that different from any other morning DJ and how many of those players ever listened to Imus in the Morning?

I would like to know who was the one that reported the comment to Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. Their outrage is totally understandable, but it is not grounds to blackmail corporations into firing employees. The problem is that there is no clear line for anyone anymore. Carlos Mencia can say whatever he wants about every single race he can think of on a weekly basis on his television show, but Don Imus has a slip up and he gets canned.

The point is, comedy is supposed to be edgy, it is supposed to shock and even offend at times. So there will always be the chance of someone stepping over the time. Rather than a bullet to the head, the punishment should be slap across the face.

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Saturday, April 14, 2007

MasterChugs Theater Extra: 'Death Proof'

Though it probably won't surprise anyone to learn that Quentin Tarantino has, with Death Proof, once again outdone his Weinstein-indentured buddy, what should shock people is that, in conflating the slasher and car chase genres, Tarantino has slapped together his most formally audacious work since Pulp Fiction. After coloring outside the lines to impetuously enjoyable effect with the Kill Bill saga, Tarantino has, to a startling extent, focused himself and written what can most confusingly be described as Eugene O'Neill's The Car by way of Susan Faludi. If Godard had any interest in shooting a car chase, he might've headed in this direction following Week End. That right, I said it--Death Proof is the better of the two movies in Grindhouse.

The first act is my favorite: it follows a couple of girls out for a night on the town in Austin, Texas. One of the watering holes where they end up happens to be where a strange character named Stuntman Mike hangs out. Stuntman Mike, as his name suggests, works as a movie stunt man, and his car is a movie stunt car--it’s been rigged so that no matter how badly he crashes, the driver will remain safe from mortal injury. Tarantino builds subtle dread throughout act one, having Stuntman Mike creepily interact with the girls he’s going to kill. And not only is Tarantino at his best here, giving his characters real conversations that, as always, are laced with pop culture minutiae, the actresses in this segment can carry the weight. What’s great is that the talky Tarantino style fits perfectly with low budget exploitation movies--most of these films contain arduous stretches of dialog and filler because there was no room in the budget for much action. Anyone who has spent a lot of time sitting through real grindhouse movies will be familiar with slogging through interminable scenes that are poorly written and terribly acted; thankfully Tarantino isn’t aping his influences too much here and while by no means the best stuff he’s ever written, a lot of the dialog and bar hopping business in the first act is pretty great.

Death Proof is more faithful to its grindhouse roots than Planet Terror, yet Tarantino's sensibility is such a perfect fit for the slasher genre that it ends up seeming both more personal and more original than Rodriguez's film. Death Proof really feels as though it could have been released in 1977, and it's a natural extension of Tarantino's obsessions--right from the opening shot of a woman's feet that extends the fetishism of Pulp Fiction and Kill Bill. The movie is an unholy marriage of Vanishing Point and John Carpenter's Halloween, in which Kurt Russell's "Stuntman Mike" stalks gorgeous young women the same way Michael Meyers did in Carpenter's classic--only he does it with a muscle car instead of a knife. Although Tarantino reinvents the slasher genre, he's also respectful of its pleasures and plays by its rules. The slasher conventions are remarkably compatible with Tarantino's predisposition toward feisty women and idiosyncratic dialog, since Halloween and most of its imitators devote long stretches of time to teenage conversation before kicking off the carnage. Like the babysitters in Halloween or the seniors in Prom Night, the girls who Stuntman Mike targets spend the first half of the film just hanging out and talking--but since the screenwriter in Death Proof is the inventive Q.T., that talk is hilarious and eccentric in a way that it rarely was in the Friday the 13th films. It also gives Death Proof a subtle poignancy, since real lives are at stake in a way that they aren't in Planet Terror; Rodriguez makes violence giddy and exhilarating, but Tarantino makes it scary and disturbing as well.

As in his best films, however, Tarantino doesn't stick to one tone for long, and Death Proof alternates moments of harrowing terror with goofy action, and then alternates those moments with hilariously true slices of life such as a conversation between two guys trying to get the heroines into bed. While the pace of all this seems positively contemplative compared to the frenetic Planet Terror, it's never boring thanks to Tarantino's genuine fascination with human behavior. Like John Carpenter, whose influence permeates every frame of both Planet Terror and Death Proof, Tarantino is capable of anchoring the most absurd physical action in an emotional reality that gives it depth. While Death Proof lacks the psychological complexity of Jackie Brown and Kill Bill 2, on its own terms it's a nearly perfect summing up of the components that make Tarantino the smartest mass entertainer in American cinema since Hitchcock. It's manipulative in the best sense of the word, in that it's a film by an artist who knows exactly how to scare and amuse his audience, yet it never feels overly controlled. To the contrary, the movie gives the illusion of recklessness in its kinetic chase sequences, and it has a natural observational style in the scenes devoted to character. Tarantino juggles all of these styles and elements with the precision of a master filmmaker, and the effect is something similar to what Orson Welles did when he both elevated and respected sleazy genre conventions in Touch of Evil. By itself Death Proof is pure cinematic ecstasy; taken together with the films by Rodriguez, Zombie, Edgar Wright, Rob Zombie, and Eli Roth that it accompanies, it makes Grindhouse an instant cult classic.

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MasterChugs Theater Extra: 'Planet Terror'

Take one part go-go dancer, her ex-boyfriend, two parts Josh Brolin, five parts the rest of their small town community who get swept up in your typical chemically man-made zombie super-soldier military conspiracy, one part Robert Rodriguez, and a bucket-load of gore, and what do you get? A go-go dancer that has an M-16 with a grenade launcher attachment, zombies, and part of one of the most insane movies of year. We on Earth like to call it Planet Terror ... probably because that's its name.

Planet Terror is a hilarious and audacious apocalyptic horror film that recalls the Evil Dead series in its sly blend of broad comedy and excessive gore-though "excessive" isn't really a word that applies in this kind of film making. The movie tells the story of a military experiment that spawns zombies who lay siege to a small town populated by a gallery of beautifully conceived characters. There's Rose McGowan's stripper ... excuse me, go-go dancer, who wants to be a stand-up comedian, Freddy Rodriguez's mechanic with a mysterious past, and Jeff Fahey as a poverty-stricken cook who won't reveal his barbecue recipe to anyone, no matter what. Along the way they pick up some local cops like Michael Biehn and Tom Savini, Marley Shelton as a doctor with an unusual handicap, and Lost’s Naveen Andrews as a shadowy biochemist/black marketeer/ testicle collector who may be partially to blame for all the zombification, and more. All of these wonderfully original characters have stories that are kept in perfect balance by Robert Rodriguez's elegant story construction. The performances are even better here than they were in the director's all-star Sin City, and the gory zombie sequences are deliriously inventive-Rodriguez invites comparison with the gross-out classics of Lucio Fulci and early Peter Jackson, and he surpasses his cinematic ancestors by giving a more effective dramatic context to the blood and guts.

One of the things I like most about real grindhouse cinema is how scrappy these movies were; filmmakers didn’t have a lot of money to spend, and there’s something endearing about the cheapness of their production values. Rodriguez has always been a cheap director, but there’s nothing endearing about it. He’s like the kid at the science fair who made a working particle accelerator out of papier mache and the guts of an Atari 2600--it’s impressive but ugly, and you’re really at the science fair to see the kid who made a volcano using baking soda and vinegar and who glued his army men to the sides of the mountain to be consumed by kitchen sink lava. Planet Terror is the pinnacle of this for Rodriguez--he uses his home brew CGI to do impressive stunts and wreak lots of destruction that feels out of place in the milieu in which he’s playing. Rodriguez wasn’t schooled on exploitation like Tarantino was, and he’s really using the language of action films of the 80s here--the kinds of films that took over after the exploitation circuit was slowly killed off and as home video began to dominate the market. Chuck Norris could have very easily been in the Freddy Rodriguez role, albeit with the addition of some more martial arts to the film’s many, many fight scenes ... a sheer moment of awesome, too, if possible.

In some ways his movie is probably too physically elaborate to qualify as a true grindhouse film, as digital technology enables him to create pyrotechnic effects that would have been far out of reach for the B-movie auteurs of the 1970s. But who cares? Stylish and energetic, this is Rodriguez's best film to date. And yes, I say that, having seen El Mariachi, Desperado, and all of his other stuff ... even Spy Kids.

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Friday, April 13, 2007

MasterChugs Theater: 'Grindhouse'

Grindhouse is fun. Grindhouse is REALLY fun. That's all I'm going to say for now, as I really want you people to go out tonight and either see it or Aqua Teen Hunger Force: The Movie. Check back tomorrow for individual reviews of Planet Terror and Death Proof, the two movies of Grindhouse.

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Head out on the narrow cobblestone streets

The Hells Angels are known for their body counts long criminal records generous nature the world over. Now this benevolent organization is facing some rough times overseas. That's why the Amsterdam Hells Angels are holding a party to raise funds for legal costs.

This blog was not aware the Hells Angels existed outside of North America, nor did it know that American-style motorcycles were that popular in Europe. Perhaps they aren't and these burly, leather-clad tough guys ride around on scooters.

What is the Navy thinking?

In the War on Animals, we expect our armed forces to be on our side no matter what. But as with any modern war, the lines between us and them, good and evil are blurred from time to time.

That is no more apparent than with the U.S. Navy's employment of dolphins to assist in the War on Terrorism. This blog has covered the matter before, but now they are just flaunting their lack of standards. Yuck.

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Ouch

Time to shock yourself awake. A Taiwanese zoo worker was rushed to the hospital after his arm was bitten off by a crocodile.

The arm was recovered by the man's coworkers and later reattached at the hospital. Let's just be grateful this veteran was not sent to Walter Reed. (Too soon?) To see something really cool, check the "Click here to view a photo essay. Warning: graphic content" link.

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Thursday, April 12, 2007

Jurassic Farm

Scientists have recently announced the Tyrannosaurus rex is a distant relative of the chicken. It is the first ever scientific connection between dinosaurs and birds. It also explains why everything tastes like T. rex.

This is just further proof that no matter how meek they may look, every animal has links to the really scary ones we all thought we had seen the last of. This is war, people, and it's time for regime change in the animal kingdom.

Regretful news

And, in a bit of sad news to report, totally awesome author Kurt Vonnegut passed away yesterday at the age of 84. He'll definitely be missed around this website.

Go out and read "Slaughterhouse Five," people ... just because.

Funniest Headline Of the Day

I wholeheartedly endorse any headline that implies both an homage to a bit seen on The Muppet Show and the concept of Bill Gates sent hurtling throughout the cosmos, never to be seen again. Or at least stuck up in space a la MST3K.

The first step is admitting you have a problem

Don't worry though-pornography addiction is a treatable condition. The second step is dropping your membership to that Mom and Pop video rental store and getting a membership to Blockbuster video (plenty of high Christian values and a severe glut of crappy Sci-Fi pictures movies). The third step? Washing your hands.

Actually, on second thought, that should probably be the first step.

This is why no one reads anymore

Make room on your book shelves, everyone, there's something you must add to it. It's "Teeny Ted from Turnip Town" and it is the world's smallest book. Sounds like a great plot, though.

The book measures 0.07 mm by 0.10 mm, which is smaller than the head of a pin. Good luck reading it.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

It's a good day to be a guy

Awesome day, gentlemen! First we're told that a new bacon sandwich has been made, and now that we shouldn't diet? How great! Clearly, it's not just a good day to be a guy ... but it's also a good day to die.

Far out man ... real far out

It would appear that all of NASA's scientists are on acid. This proves to be scientifically awesome.

Next on the upcoming news block: Haley's Comet is one big doobie.

It was the one-legged man

It sounds like the perfect crime: stealing an ATM using a truck and a chain to pull it out of the floor and onto your truck, then making off with the booty. Yes, this blog just used the word "booty" and did its best not to giggle.

For Gregory Daniels, the plan worked almost perfectly--until his prosthetic leg fell off during the escape.

Mouse on a Plane

A flight from Hanoi, Vietnam to Tokyo was delayed several hours after a mouse was seen by flight attendants before the plane took off. Experts were brought in to find and kill the mouse. They believe it was brought on by a passenger but escaped.

The War on Animals seems to make friends out of our old enemies: the Vietnamese.

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Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Really kicking off your shoes and relaxing

Just in time for summer, it's the greatest footwear-alcohol combination since the stomping of grapes with bare feet. Is it a beer made from some type of shoes? No, but that sounds like a good idea.

It's booze-filled flip-flops!

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Open to help you out, every day

Even though most businesses in New Zealand are forced to close, brothels are allowed to be open on Easter Sunday.

Things to clear up:

-Yes, this is New Zealand
-Yes, up until this year, there had apparently been an understanding between the New Zealand government, the church, and brothels about Easter Sunday
-Yes, famed former stuntwoman for Lucy Lawless, Zoe Bell, is from New Zealand
-No, the country is still perpetually wacky

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Slather it on and get it on

A tanning agent designed to help prevent skin cancer could be the next Viagra. Well, the next female Viagra equivalent, that is. At the very least, your trips to nude beaches will be a lot more interesting. Or any beaches, for that matter.

Come fly the f&$%ing skies

A flight from Las Vegas to Detroit was canceled after the captain was heard cursing into his cell phone in the bathroom, then came out and cursed at the passengers. My question is this: how did the passengers know he was cursing into a phone? We've all had moments in the bathroom alone that involve some foul language.

If I were a passenger on that cancelled flight, I would have some four letters words for the captain.

Monday, April 09, 2007

Great moments in public education

Let's face it, kids are annoying. They're loud, demand to be fed three times a day and for some reason it's illegal to make them get a job.

This country's children are coddled far too often as well. That's why we're glad to hear one kindergarten teacher is fighting back.

Misleading Headline of The Day

In the War on Animals, we at SG most certainly thought otherwise.

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Building a strong educational and economic foundation

What kind of delinquent would charge $250 worth of pay-per-view porn movies to a school district cable bill? It has to be an administrator, because the kids would be smart enough not get caught.

For that matter, what kind of school has the ability to have cable? I know my bumpkin town school didn't.

SG Editorial: It's okay to hate us

So the "big-time" bloggers want to regulate blogs now because they can't handle the negative feedback. They also want every blogger to "pledge to get a second source for any gossip or breaking news they write about."

This idea cannot be taken seriously because, well, blogs are not serious. They are not news sources, and they are not the product of an honest day's work. These are diaries, put into public because of our own rabid need for validation and social prominance (even on the Internet). What's the difference between a blogger and a Fox News pundit? One wears a tie to work.

What's even more disturbing is the implication that news organizations use blogs as breaking news sources. It's bad enough that the majority of news reports are the same four stories transmitted via the Associated Press, but the idea that paid reporters are perusing blogspot and livejournal for hot scoops is ridiculous at best and frightening at worst.

SeriouslyGuys is taking a stand. We know what we are, and we have no delusions otherwise. However, this will be an easy fight. Tim O'Reilly and Jimmy Wales can craft up all the rules they want, but--as happens time and time again on the Web--who's gonna enforce them?

Current mood: Indifferent -_-
Category: Web and Blogging
Currently listening: Numa Numa!

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New Age = I dunno

Ever get the feeling that doctors embrace New Agey medicine whenever they just can't explain something? Like how chicken soup helps colds? Or recommending accupuncture and prayer when chemotherapy doesn't work?

Nah, me neither.

The McBournie Minute: Traveling

Every time a holiday comes around, the country has a mass exodus to home or some other vacation destination. All that means is everyone is treated to a long and painful trip home, regardless of the method of transportation.

One of the most common to complain about is flying. Luckily, that was my chosen way to Boston this past weekend. I flew out Saturday at noon (after oversleeping and missing a flight earlier that morning, but that is a different story). It wasn't just any airline, it was Southwest, the Wal-Mart of airlines.

I have no problem with low ticket prices, but there are some things about Southwest Airlines that boggle my mind. For example, there are no assigned seats on the plane. They put letters on your ticket. Those with an "A" get in the "A" line and so on to "C." From there, the lines board in alphabetical order, first come first serve. So even if you pay the same amount as the people in the first line, you may get last choice in seating. They are only now "experimenting" with assigned seating, welcome to the rest of the world, Southwest.

The people are really friendly, but to the point of being annoying. On my flight back from Boston I tried to nap, but the friendly flight attendants kept coming on the loudspeaker, making me jump every so often. Then, as we landed, one female flight attendant sand us a song about how much Southwest loves its customers. Awkward. Then she told us a joke.

"What did the snail say when he jumped on the turtle's back? ... Weeeeee!"

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Thursday, April 05, 2007

Happy Easter

You know that feeling when it's Friday before a major holiday and everyone's ducking out of town? We know that feeling, too. We know you're going to be too busy tomorrow to read us, and heck, we're going to be too busy to write much anyway.

That's why The Guys are taking tomorrow off, but we'll be back here again on Monday morning with severe hangovers great stories for you to read.

Law enforcement's new weapon: a hose

You probably don't want to commit a crime in China. But now, you definitely don't want to hole yourself up in a hospital when Chinese police try to arrest you.

One 55-year-old murder suspect learned that lesson the hard way recently. The man fell into an air cushion after being sprayed with a high-power hose off a window ledge on the eighth story of a hospital ward. Greatest arrest ever.

Just plain odd Headline Of the Day

You know, I'm not a very normal person, and I'm all for doing whatever it takes to win the war against animals, but ... umm ... bwah?

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Show your stripes!

Girls Gone Wild's Joe Francis has been ordered to get a little less wild ... in jail.

Don't worry Joe. There's always a bright side to things.

-Perhaps your fellow inmates will take off their jumpsuits for you.
-Maybe the wardens will even let you make some crappy hats for them.
-Think of the new video--"Inmates Gone Wild: Supermax."

Put down the bird, sir

The U.S. Coast Guard had an unusual rescue in Texas, recently. For one thing, the rescue was on land. For another thing, it was saving a man and his cockatoo (which, coincidentally sounds like an album title).

According to the Associated Press, the man's $2,000 cockatoo flew the coop and ended up at the top of a pine tree. So he went 60 feet up to get it. When the man was unable to get down, the Coast Guard had to send a helicopter to pick up the two.

Note: Keeping pets is perfectly OK in the War on Animals. They are considered prisoners of war.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Snakes in an Office

It seems this blog was not the only one out there upset with Google over their April Fools' Day prank, a three-foot python was on the loose in Google's New York office building recently.

This poses a tough choice for this blog. On one hand, Google (which owns Blogger, which supports SG) committed an unspeakable act by breaking the trust between itself and the people who turn to it for all of their poop-related news. On the other hand, it's a snake--one of our enemies in the War on Animals.

Oh heck, this isn't about some petty grudge over a joke gone wrong, this is war and we need to stand together. This blog thinks snakes have been on the loose far too much lately. Why, this is the second post today about them. It's time we put a stop to these serpents.

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Drunks on ice

For those of you in New Jersey who love hockey, but love booze just a little bit more, the courts have decided in your favor: DUI is not possible when operating a Zamboni.

The case originated in 2005 when John Peragallo was arrested and charged with DUI at the Mennen Sports Arena in Morristown, NJ. The machine Peragallo was driving was speeding and nearly crashed into the boards, witnesses said. He blew a 0.12.

Key quote: "Peragallo, 64, testified at his trial that he did drink beer and vodka, but not until after he had groomed the ice. However, he told police he had a shot of Sambuca with his breakfast coffee and two Valium-pills before work."

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Snakes In a Truck

I mean, it says it all, honestly.

Really people, this is a meme that will fall into the annals of history. Remember we don't stop until this is made:

Best Headline of the Day At This Point

A farewell to fathers gone both rolling and stoned out.

Some people, strangely enough, find what Richards did both very touching and cool, as he'll always have a piece of his father near to him. Others say that he's an idiot, plain and simple. Of course, granted, this does explain a bit why he looks like a 73-year-old man.

A hero in handcuffs

Superheroes put themselves in the line of superhuman danger whenever they are needed. Because of their selflessness, they should be able to walk around in public unmolested by the local law enforcement.

That is why this blog is appalled Mr. Universe was hauled in for suspected intoxication when he tried to watch a movie in a movie theater in Redwood City, Calif. Turns out he was just woozy from his new diabetes medication. And he allegedly assaulted the police trying to arrest him. Oops.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Pranks are crap

It's not bad enough that we have to deal with our friends, family and coworkers getting the best of us on April Fools' Day, now we have to worry about our favorite search engines messing with us.

Take for example the toilet humor of Google. They announced they would be offering internet service through people's toilets. Alas, I will miss my laptop. Last time I saw it it was taking the route of the dead goldfish.

(Thanks Cat)

I'm leaving you, Michael

Ladies and gentlemen, if there were ever a need for us to come together and raise $150,000, this is it.

Unity will allow us to drive off into the sunset together!

Black holes, ash holes: same diff

NASA has finally solved the problem of cemetary space in an overcrowding world: launching ashes into space.

Finally, we'll have room to house the homeless build more golf courses.

Coughs on a Plane

Security on planes has finally taken a turn for the better. At long last the years of shoe-removing and cavity spreading have yielded a point. A 16-year-old girl coming back from a school trip to Hawaii (lucky kid) was kicked off her flight after she had an uncontrollable coughing fit.

Do you realize what kind of a precedence this sets? That means we can start kicking off EVERYONE annoying on a flight--the crying babies, the people who talk to loud and best of all, the fat people who squish you against the wall.

Monday, April 02, 2007

The world can rest easy now

Bello Nock the daredevil clown has his miniature bicycle back after leaving it in a taxi. How's that for an inspirational story?

Alright, enough of that crap.

Greatest Easter candy ever

For some reason, a life-size, nude, chocolate sculpture of Jesus is making Christians upset. So upset, an exhibition was in New York City was canceled.

The sculpture's title is "My Sweet Lord." That is not a joke.

Here's a question, since when is Jesus a bald black man?

Five star rating in a New York minute

Remember, when you play video games, the terrorists win.

In other news, Mars issued a press statement recently stating that they "didn't appreciate how they were portrayed in War of the Worlds" and were "taking their tripods death machines and going home."

A new way to fight our heroes

Here at SeriouslyGuys, it's no secret that we worship pirates. Pirates are cool. Pirates are awesome. They take all the booty that they want and pillage whenever and wherever. We thank all of creation for pirates and wish nothing but chaos upon their enemies.

However, as guys, we never thought that the porn industry would be our enemies too. How can the porn industry combat piracy? Turn everything into a live broadcast. Remember guys, no do-overs. Tis a sad day for all, indeed.






Wait, what do you mean "different pirates?" Oh, well, that is different. No dark days at all!

Kinda puts that "booty" bit in a different light though.

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The McBournie Minute: Astronauts

We have officially hit the end of experiments we can do on the International Space Station. After 27ish years of shuttle flights, Skylab, Mir and so on, we are bored in space.

If memory serves me, on the next flight up, one of the astronauts is going to hit a golf ball in space as part of a promotion for a golf company. And as we found out last week, an astronaut on the International Space Station is going to run the Boston Marathon in space--except not on Boston time and she'll be miles above the Earth.

There's no more experimentation going on anymore. It's all just repairing things and shifting out crew. We seem to have done all we can with what we have. That is why I think we need to invade Mars. If science fiction is any indication, that planet is filled with evil aliens both intelligent and not-intelligent. But they are all willing us harm.

Might as well call them Al-ien Qaeda. Since we have run out of things to do in space. It is about time we kicked some ass (see Moonraker). Who's with me?

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