BFF's forever

Just like peanut butter and jelly, Abbot and Costello, and white on rice, conflicts between superheroes and the government have always been major issues. Now, in an instance of life imitating art, the U.S. Mint would like to stick the Silver Surfer's surfboard where even the stars won't shine. Granted, the coins are pretty cool, but I guess in an attempt to hype up the movie, small and inconsequential actions like finding out if defacing federal tender is against the law were overlooked.

United as one, they all stand!

Well ... maybe they might not want to stand immediately. Philanthropic geeks set up proxy servers to share their web connections (no, that's not meant as a witty euphemism for something else) with people in countries where the internet is censored. Funny thing is, apparently, there's a problem with that and SG'll give you one guess what it is.

And it's not talking gorillas, though that is a problem, mind you.

Take it from Snee: Apes still don't talk

Once again, scientists are trying to prove apes can talk ... by not actually teaching them to talk.

Sure, it's great that Cornelius can recognize the symbols that give him treats, but that isn't language. And just because this particular scientist talks to them "like he would speak to one of his children, or a longtime friend" does not mean they are conversing--it means he is on par with every cat lady in the world.

Of course Bonzo understands you, doc. It's like he really listens and doesn't just wait for you to stop talking so he can say whatever is on his mind. But that's only because he can't say what's on his mind, which is probably just as well ("I want to masturbate again!").

If language were merely correct vocabulary, we still could not communicate ideas to each other. Koko may have a tummy ache, but she can't ask you if that diaper makes her look fat. Get the difference, yet?

Even this writer's "interview with an ape" reads like someone explaining how Terry Schiavo was a functional human being, equating blinks as real communication. It started with the usual vocab test, then the reporter was stunned that the ape pressed the "surprise!" button when she was ready for food. This wasn't language: it was the ape's button for a hand-out. Get a job, Kanzi!

And perhaps that is why we strive to teach animals how to talk, in hope that someone will finally listen to us without argument. Take it from me: it's like teaching a pig how to dance. It tires out the farmer and pisses off the pig.

The suspects have escaped

It is this blog's sad duty (teehee, we said "duty") the lost whales that took a trip to Sacramento have escaped capture, trial and likely a likely death sentence. Thanks to weeks of traitors giving aid and comfort to the enemy, scientists are saying the whales most likely have made it back to the ocean.

However, they cannot really confirm if they made it, because they lost track of them during the night. This blog remains hopeful it means they were spirited away by a clandestine operation for "questioning."

The show must go on

Think reality shows have done just about everything possible? Think they've run out of ideas and just doing the same thing again and again? How wrong you are, you cynical person, you.

It's time for a reality-type game show that really has a life-or-death feel to it. A new Dutch show will air where a terminally ill woman will agree to donate her organs to one of three, count 'em, three contestants with kidney problems.

The show's title: "Who Wants to Live?"

When enough was probably only two digits

You know, in the grand scheme of all things, there's probably nothing wrong with having a shoe fetish; however, stealing 1,500 pairs of them might be going a little too far. Maybe you should switch to something easier, like stamp collecting or counting the number of dirty spots on your ceiling.

You're old

Today is Bryan McBournie's birthday. We at SG would just like to point that out. Well, that and he's old.

Its snout takes what it wants

The War on Animals continues to a possibly deadly level-an elephant is now attempting to mug people.

That's right people, the animals are now sending elephants out as common hoodlums. Why, I wouldn't be surprised if it didn't have Thug Life tattooed across its tusks. Be fearful of this elephant teaching such a trick to its offspring, lest we find ourselves in a world full of elephant enforcers waiting to break our kneecaps.

Movies: now for sissies again

Regal Cinemas, one of the largest theater chains in the country, is testing a pager for movie patrons to anonymously report other patrons.

While this sounds like a dream come true for anyone who's ever had a foot on their head, there's a hitch. There are only four buttons, and then the management comes in to find the problem.

This blog wants to know when they will add a button for "annoying jerk with flashlight and bow tie."

Fun quote: The GRS's are wireless and have four buttons marked "picture," "sound," "piracy" and "other disturbance."

It's Mao-tastic!

As we reported yesterday, Chinese women are pretty strange. Now, a woman is parading around China dressed as Mao Zedong, complete with haircut and gray suit. When your nation's patriarch is being impersonated by a woman, it's time to call it quits.

Key quote this blog doesn't understand: "But the effortless poses belie fastidious preparations behind the scenes."

Kid Soldier of the Day

In the wilds of Alabama (as if there is anything else there) it was just an 11-year-old boy against what he could only believe was some kind of monster. Little Jamison Stone killed the monster to beat all monsters, and quite possibly the enemy's deadliest weapon: a hog bigger than Hogzilla.

How big? Try nine feet four inches, 1,051 pounds.

Key quote that has nothing else to do with the story: "Jamison, who killed his first deer at age 5 ...."

Socialist healthcare

Think the waiting lines at doctors' offices are long here in America? Try waiting for 64 years for treatment of head injury. That's what one Chinese woman did. She was shot in the head by a Japanese soldier as a child during World War II.

For some reason, the family didn't know the bullet went into her brain, they just nicknamed her "Drooly."

We're not gonna bake it anymore

Do you have a concern you believe is not getting enough attention? What better way to make your opinions known than to have a protest?

And what better way to make yourself look like a calm, rational person than to protest in the form of a book burning? It's not like that has ever had a negative connotation.

We need Jack Bauer

Much like with the conclusion of the latest season of "24," Los Angeles is once again safe from a terrorist threat. For two years, "Reggie" the alligator has lived in a nearby lake for several years, but no more.

The leader of Al-Igator, a well-known terrorist group with bases in the everglades and the Nile River, was apprehended by authorities and taken in for questioning. He most likely will be held at a zoo pending a trial.

MasterChugs Theater: 'Saving Private Ryan'

Another holiday themed review by Chug? Who would've guessed other than Ron Howard, the CIA, and the ghost of Joseph Stalin?!!?

OK, review time: devastating. If, for some reason, I was asked to write a one-word review of Saving Private Ryan, that would be the term I would use. No other film quite does as. .. realistic of a job of portraying the "horrors of war." The release of Saving Private Ryan generated a massive hype due to Steven Spielberg having also directed that other Second World War opus, Schindler's List. Now that Hollywood has moved on and the fuss has subsided, it's clear that an important movie remains.

If that were all there was to Private Ryan, it would be an amazing film. But the story that follows is emotionally engrossing. In Washington, Army Chief Gen. George Marshall (Harve Presnell) decides that Private Ryan (Matt Damon), a paratrooper whose three brothers all have been killed, must be pulled from combat and sent home. Tom Hanks plays Capt. John Miller, leader of the squad assigned to collect Ryan. As they pick their way through the enemy-infested countryside and toward a second battle, the soldiers also battle their resentment at being imperiled for the sake of one lousy private, a stranger to them all. This conflict lies at the heart of everything the movie represents and could easily have been overplayed. But the filmmakers pull back and press on, exactly like the men they are chronicling.

The mostly youthful cast is committed and intense. Hanks reasserts his claim as the successor to Henry Fonda and Jimmy Stewart. His performance is restrained, even dignified, yet magnetic. Capt. Miller keeps his emotions packed tight, not so much to stop himself from feeling, but to guard his ability to feel at all in the face of what he sees.

Much has been written and gasped about the opening 20 minutes as the GIs land on the beaches, only to be mowed down by the Germans. Some recoiled at the graphic violence, others praised the realism, while some questioned whether war is really like that at all. The percentage of an audience who can accurately comment is surely small. What is abundantly clear is that in the massive body of films that deal with World War II, this is one that pulls no punches. It consistently explores the unpredictable and random violence that engulfs and blinds the men within it. This is not a film that will please everyone and quite rightly so. But no movie about any war can seek to provide answers to every question. What Spielberg does is create a world of frightening carnage in which a small story is played out. As such, this is an important film that deconstructs war machines into separate, frightened men as it so likely was.

Dumb criminal imitates art

Calls seeking confirmation on a rumor that Samuel L. Jackson made the arrest were not returned. And yes, I'm calling the movie "art".

How To: Defuse a bomb

In today's topsy-turvy, geopolitically-ambitious and zealotry-driven world, you never know when you will be face-to-face with a ticking time bomb. No, we don't mean the allegorical one that plagues every man, waiting within to destroy all we know and love. We mean the one that plagues Jack Bauer and James Bond, waiting without to destroy their five-o'clock shadow and cool wristwatches. That's why we're teaching you how to defuse a bomb.

Tools:
Fresh underwear (as many pairs as needed)
Swiss Army Knife -- should have Phillips and flat head screwdrivers (little scissors are optional, but kinda prissy)
Handkerchief
You -- yes, you ... are a tool.
Someone you care about/have sex with (unless any of the above apply)

1. Determine the origin of the bomb, and then mutter a witty remark using the bomb's maker as the punchline. For example: If the bomb was set by Al Qaeda, you say, "I Qaeda wanna get out of here." If it was set by someone younger than you, you say, "I'm getting too old for this s--t." And if it was set by former two non-consecutive terms President James Garfield, you say, "I hate Mondays."

2. Change underwear as necessary. And be honest about it: the woman or Swiss Army Knife you love is there for what may very well be your last moment on Earth together.

3. Using the Swiss Army Knife (that you may or may not love) screwdrivers, open the panel that accesses wires and components within. Don't forget about step 2.

4. Stare intently at the three wires. This is to convince the person/knife you love that you are perfectly capable of analyzing the inner workings of the bomb and that your mutual safety is assured. In reality, you will use either "Eeny Meeny Miny Mo" or "One Potato" to choose which wire to cut first.

WARNING: Do not use "Bubblegum Bubblegum in a Dish" to eliminate wires as they are wires and cannot tell you how many pieces they do, in fact, wish.

5. Once you have chosen the first wire to cut, mutter a witty remark that makes light of your potential explosion. For example: "Here goes everything."

WARNING: Do not use this or any step to tell the person/appliance of your fancy that you love them. I mean, what if they don't feel the same way? That's just selfish.

6. Cut that wire. Closing your eyes may be necessary to heighten tension.

7. Repeat steps 4 through 6 -- and possibly step 2 -- until timer stops or bomb detonates.

8. Should you actually defuse the bomb, casually wait for the bomb squad to arrive. Loudly mutter a witty remark about their tardiness. For example: "Welcome to the party, boys. It's dy-no-mite!"

9. Walk away with the person/multifunctional utility that you adore, knowing that you have prevailed in defending life, liberty, and the pursuit of sex.

Gimme a kiss

Your wife calls you short, during an argument? Being a calm, rational, 54-year-old man who might be a little on the wee side like yourself, what do you do?

According to police, if you are Akano Nzerem, you shove your daughter aside and give your wife a big bear hug--then you bite her lip off. Remember this touching family moment as you enjoy your Memorial Day weekend.

(Courtesy of Cat H.)

The cat came back

In other cat-related news: not only are they growing wings, but they apparently are extremely durable and worthy adversaries.

In Ohio, some brave soldier in the War on Animals shot Lucky the cat in the head with an arrow. Lucky then walked home, probably not using the old arrow through the head trick. And as usual, the liberal, anti-war media is taking the cat's side.

You have won a free virus

Do you want a FREE computer virus? CLICK HERE to get one!

Stupid people are everywhere, and an online ad proved that recently. Didier Stevens of Finland put a text ad online through Google's Adword service advertising a free virus for their computer just by clicking. It was an empty threat, but still, 409 people clicked on the ad during its 6-month run.

This is unacceptable of Google to allow Internet users to be vulnerable to attack like that. This blog would complain, but we use Blogger, a Google service as our host, GMail as our e-mail and Google Notebook for our link organization.

Believe it when cats fly

Assuming this cat still has all the needed parts, I'd bet someone would pay a pretty penny to "Granny Feng" for him in order to try and create a breed of "winged cats".

No. No! Stop thinking of money, and think of your race's survival instead! Shave the wings! SHAVE THE WINGS!

Student of the School Year

A student at the University of Nebraska-Omaha wrote her thesis recently. It took her a lot of hard work and first person experience. She became a stripper.

This blog isn't sure what's worse for the parents, knowing that their daughter is stripper, despite their paying all kinds of tuition money, or the fact that she only got a B on her thesis.

Key quote: "'Get to know your local stripper--that's the message we should end on, yeah,' Heineman said."

The Shadow knows

Is anyone really surprised these exist?

If that doesn't surprise you, then how about Apple's ownership claim to silhouettes?

Who even drinks that stuff?

The throaty-voiced former lead singer of Creed Scott Stapp added to his reputation of being a drunken jerk recently. (Some of you may remember he passed out at his own wedding reception a couple years ago. Recently he was charged with aggravated assault after he allegedly came home and threw a bottle of Orangina at his wife's head during an argument.

Unconfirmed reports say Stapp yelled out "Have some Oranginaaaaaah!" when the threw the bottle.

Yeah, the joke works better if you do the voice in your head.

Headline of the Century

Thank you, Chinese newspaper.

Old bunnies never die, they just move out of the mansion

A rare species of rabbit named after Hugh Hefner may die out before he does. Have they tried moving them in with three blonde babes bunnies? That seems to help with longer life. Or, you know, Viagra.

Actually, considering SG's stance on The War on Animals, we wholeheartedly stand with not giving the rabbit a dose of Viagra. The last thing this war needs is a ridiculous amount of kamikazes.

Ignorance is nothing more than undressed bliss

Making more headway in the world of cultural differences, another American tourist ruins it for the rest of us by wandering around Germany naked and acting like he didn't know any better. Wow, we really can be obnoxious, can't we? Not SG, though ... just naked American male tourists in general. On the upside ... possibly not the tourist.

Key quote: "He believed it was commonplace to be nude in public in Germany."

Because, you know, hey, everything about Germany screams a hedonistic culture.

Jenny don't change your number

Remember the song with the phone number? Not the jingles you see on television, I'm talking about the Tommy Tutone song "Jenny." Sure, the song is over 20 years old, but apparently 867-5309 is still a hot number.

It's so hot that some plumbers in Rhode Island are vying for the number. Because then I think "for a good time" I think about plumbing.

When you absolutely have to be high over night

Tip for all you would-be drug smugglers out there: you probably don't want to send things through the mail.

A 26-year-old woman found that one out the hard way recently when she tried to send a refrigerator with heroin inside by DHL. Great, there goes their latest ad campaign.

Interesting side note: actor Bob Denver, best known for playing Gilligan on guess which 60s sitcom, learned this lesson nine years ago when he ordered by delivery service some marijuana.

Dylan covers Raffi

A strange man has been playing songs for kids at school. Naturally, this has got to get parents and teachers rather concerned. Why not even put out an AMBER alert about it?

Then they realized it was none other than Bob Dylan. Who is, in fact, a scary, scary man.

Attention citizens of a whale's vagina

If you took a taxi in San Diego recently and your cabbie was not wearing pants, look on the bright side--unlike some other cities, a cabbie not wearing pants is still news in San Diego.

Key quote: "No other description or distinguishing characteristics were available for the cabbie."

Not exactly a flattering response about the guy. He's not gonna enjoy seeing that line. And yes, that quote's meant as a double entendre.

They're screwing like rabbits

Here's a hint: don't click on the new OpenOffice computer worm, even though it downloads a picture of a man copulating in a bunny suit.

Still getting that image in your head? I'll give you time to try to wipe it out.

OK, time's up, whether you're still thinking about male bunny suit sex or not. Remember, you don't need to download a virus just to get pictures of that--my friend, you're on the INTARWUBS.

Zoo goes bananas

Once again, folks, as long as animals are around, none of us are safe. That goes especially for when viewing the captured in zoos/ death camps.

Last week a gorilla in Holland somehow got out of his cell. No one wanted to talk about the 400-pound gorilla on the sidewalk, so it grabbed a woman and ran off with her. Remind you of anyone? The gorilla was eventually caught, but no one has any idea how it got out.

Best Opening Line of the Day

Whoever wrote this story clearly has never used Mapquest if that's what they wrote.

MasterChugs Theater: '28 Weeks Later'

As you most likely would not notice until the byline at the bottom, Chugs Taylor is not posting this week. Why not? Let’s just say he had a bad experience with some Taco Bell. In any case, I, Bryan McBournie will be your guest columnist this week.

28 Weeks Later (which I am reviewing one week later) is the latest in a series of movies involving measurements of time (48 Hours, 28 Days, The 6th Day, etc.). It is also the sequel to the zombie movie 28 Days Later. I will admit I have a thing for zombie movies, so I might be a little partial. However, after the happy ending at the end of the last one, I had my doubts about Weeks.

The story picks up during the first 28 days. Zombies are running rampant across the English country side, all the while sipping tea. Don (Robert Carlyle, also in Formula 51) and his wife Alice (of movies only Chugs has seen, as with the rest of the cast) are holed up with an elderly couple and a couple rather unremarkable characters in a house and are about to sit down to dinner, when there’s a knock at the door. Long story short, Don is the only one who makes it out of the house alive and escapes in a boat.

Six months after the infection, the zombies are all long dead of starvation, but England is pretty raunchy. Don is the head of the building where the English civilians who made it out alive are being repatriated again in London. His kids are back, too. The U.S. Army is in charge of the rebuilding, so naturally, the virus comes back in a spectacular way (cleverly done, too) and suddenly we have all new zombies with accents. But this time, the soldiers get bitten, too, so some have American accents. You can tell which zombies are British, because they say "'Ello, govnah. Spare some braaaaaains?"

Suddenly, the soldiers are ordered to clean house. That means kill everyone, civilians, zombies, whatever. They are good at this. Unfortunately, it means American sniper Doyle (these people all really have only one name), Army doctor Scarlett and Don’s two kids have to fight their way through jolly old London, battling against zombies, the U.S. Army, firebombs, chemicals weapons and really intense stares. By the way, Don is now a zombie and seems to have a knack for showing up at inopportune moments.

Their only hope is to make it out of London and out of England. And I’m hedging my bets that the French got around to blocking off the Chunnel after the whole thing got started.

It’s because of the added dangers of the U.S. Army that this movie surpasses its predecessor. Instead of the military being your friend and seeking out the help from others, there is no help from anyone. There are people (or things) trying to kill the characters at every single turn. It just doesn’t let up. The only problem is the zombies aren’t nearly as scary as in Days, when they could outrun people and seemed to come out of nowhere. The real boogey men of this one are the soldiers.

Like the first one, there are many, many times in the film where it is deadly quiet. Leaving you with the feeling that something bad is about to happen. However, because they are so frequent, you never know when it’s going to make you jump.

Go out and see this in theaters. And plan on there being a sequel.

SeriouslyGuys: Not endorsed by Jenna Jameson

Hillary Rodham Clinton: Endorsed By Jenna Jameson.

Talk about cranking up the "wow" factor. And no, "endorsed" is not a euphemism for something else.

Man betrayed by 'best friend'

The dogs have shown their true nature. They are now helping raise one of the greatest animal threats to humanity, tigers.

Did you know that our own government has categorized tigers as "endangerous?" In response to this betrayal by dogs, President Bush has taken appropriate action to set an example.

Oh, dogs. How could you stoop this low? This blog knows you can read, so this is for you:

BAD, DOGS. VERY BAD.

NO.

NO.

YOU BAD DOGS.

BAD.

Picture of the Day

Sometimes, there are images that are too cool to make fun of ...

Unless you want to blame the lightning strike on terrorism.

Calling all pirates

Gather 'round, ye swabs. I've got some news for ye. Deep-sea explorers have found a large pile of treasure off the coast of Florida. They think it might be the biggest ever found. They are estimating the treasure will be worth $500 million.

Also, pirates off the coast of Somalia (they call themselves the Pirates of the African East Coast) seized two South Korean fishing boats. Thirty people have been taken hostage.

Here's a question: what are a bunch of South Koreans doing fishing off the coast of Somalia in dinky little boat?

Chasing the white alligator

This blog is a huge fan of zoos. They are the Guantanamo Bays of the War on Animals. Better still, they are death camps and they are open to public viewing. Better still are the temporary exhibits, which parade their prisoners of war as they move from zoo to zoo.

In Knoxville right now, the public can see one of the more freakish of a deadly foe: an albino American alligator, or AAA. The alligator is an attraction for viewers young and old. It is also a reminder of how many different faces and colors our enemy has.

The nudists are coming! The nudists are coming!

Now that spring weather has finally arrived, Vermonters can go back to arguing over their state's public nudity laws. Debates are more fun when you can hold them outside. And with blurs around people when televised.

And in other wee-clothed news, nudists fight for their right to use the local wave pool. But not parrrrrrrrrrrrrrrty. Surf City, here we come!

Remember readers, nudists are people too ... just not old.



Oh yeah, second story. Never mind. Ewwwwww.

At least we'll look better during chemo

Eureeka! Medical science has saved us all again!

(Warning: the preceding link features images of a shaved, and therefore, naked mouse. It's probably safe for work, but really weird.)

Remember when we used to say that about discoveries of great merit like the polio vaccine or the artificial heart? We’re not saying doctors and researchers have dropped the ball, but …

No, wait. We are saying that.

And you thought 'Cop Rock' was fun

Love may be in the air in Chicago, lately. In fact, love could conquer some things--like billboards. A billboard encouraging people to get divorces has been taken down after it made a lot of people mad. The bill board featured pictures of the chests of a woman and a man and read "Life is short. Get a divorce."

Who says divorce lawyers don't have a sense of humor? Those cooky guys.

SNAKES IN THE MAIL!

Never one to let a more than nine-month-old fad stop them, a criminal genius in South Africa decides to join the Snakes on a Plane craze by sending out poisonous snakes through the mail.

Why do I italicize "criminal genius?" Because no one, not even an impoverished third world region, still uses VHS tapes. With the exception of your grandmother.

(Courtesy of Mike Morrow)

Fast food in school

Good news to all, Big Boy has been found atop an Ohio high school. Friends Ronald McDonald, The King, That Winking Star from Hardee's and Wendy all breathed a sigh of relief upon hearing the news of their compatriot.

Great moment in law enforcement quote: "Officers believe it may have been a prank by seniors, Gahanna police Lt. Jeffrey Spence said."

Time for some sushi, a California roll

Some animals just deserve what they get. And in the War on Animals, we cannot afford to show the enemy any mercy. That's why when two humpback whales swam 50 miles inland to Sacramento, California, this blog says it's time to break out the harpoons.

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger could even do the honors.

When you've gotta go, you've gotta go

Just be careful where you go. And that you're a little under the level of "sufficiently drunk". And that things aren't still plugged in. You know, come to think of it, that last bit's probably the most important tip of them all.

You're never too old to know how to shoot

Of course, in some states cases, you're never too young to know how to either.

Key quote: "Illinois gun laws are said to be among the strictest in the US."

Key facts:

-A 10-month-old Illinois baby was given a gun permit.
-The child's legal name is Bubba.

Sometimes, stories just don't get this funny.

(Courtesy of Mike Morrow)

If you wouldn't mind, I would appreciate it if you stuck your hands up

Look out, citizens of Michigan! The Courteous Bandit is back on the streets again, and he might be coming to politely ask a teller for all their money at a bank near you!

Actually, it sounds like he's going straight. The 61-year-old man actually tried to get caught and sent to jail by robbing a bank. He served over a year.

Key quote: "'It was a dumb thing to do,' Lawson said after his release. 'I was looking for food and lodging — in the wrong way.'"

Today in annoying chicks

Paris Hilton is really upset about her 45-day jail sentence. In fact, according to her psychiatrist said she's even traumatized. However, she said she is kind of into the handcuffs and ankle chains.

Maxim named Lindsay Lohan the hottest woman in the world. She topped the list of 100 candidates this year. It serves as further evidence that Maxim is living 2003. This blog is in agreement that the pre-craziness, pre-cocaine, pre-blonde hair Lohan was worth it. But her stock has definitely dropped in recent years. She now looks like some sort of albino goblin creature.

Alright, now I can take this skirt of and go back to talking about things that are cool.

Gooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllll

A German sex toy happy fun-time company gets fined for naming its "pleasure enhancers" after two of Germany's greatest soccer stars. They both probably wish they scored at the same rate as their miniature buzzing friends, though. In other news, naming anything like that either "The Michael B." or "The Olli K." is not nearly as cool as naming it, say, "The Blitzkrieg."

Warning-link may not be work safe.

How To: Change a flat tire

How To is a new feature for SG. It's not going to have any regularity to it. We just figured since we're Guys, we know how to do everything, or at least think we do. So enjoy, and as always, we would love to hear feedback.

1) Pull over. You hear your tire pop, or perhaps you don't. You just notice your car is suddenly tipping to one side. Better check it out. If you are in a bad neighborhood, it might be a better idea to ride the rims to a gas station. If you pull over, examine all of the tires closely. The one you need to change is probably the one without air.

2) Get out the tools. Time to get to work. Open your trunk, find the spare tire and a wrench. IF you don't have those. Take out your cell phone and call a tow truck.

3) Look as butch as possible. This applies to both women and men. When you're changing a tire, you need to look as manly as possible. Puff out your shoulders, look mean, then attack the tire. Use the wrench to unscrew the doohickeys from the wheel. While you are doing this, it is advisable to lie down partially in the street. This will call the attention of passing drivers to your macho act, thus keeping you safe.

4) Take the tire off. Really, if you don't get this one, you have no business changing a tire.

5) Curse. It is at this point you should realize you should have also had a jack to lift your car up. You have just messed up your car. Since you don't have a jack, it's time to have some Jack.

Ivan isn't popular, either

According to a recent study, for some unknown reason, people aren't naming their daughters Katrina as much anymore. Perhaps it's because it makes them sound like whores. There much be some other reason, right? Now, what was it?

Oh, right.

What has flippers and stalks children?

As if our nation's children didn't have enough to worry about, now there is one new type of stalker after them--and it's not interested in kidnapping. A sea lion, which this blog has warned about in the past, is stalking some children in California.

According to reports, the children were doing laps, practicing for a walk-a-thon, when a sea lion came ashore and followed them. And it sounds like that particular sea lion has a habit of people stalking to. The War on Animals cannot afford such fraternization. Remember, lions are man eaters.

It's the new Cocaine

No, I'm not talking about crack, I'm talking about: Censored.

No, really, that's it's name now: Censored. It's edgy, hip, rebellious, and ... um ... bleep-ready?

Now say you're sorry

Beijing hands out a harsh new penalty for Chinese websites that display porn--they must offer a heartfelt apology. Sending a nice bouquet of flowers wouldn't hurt either. And chocolates.

But, just so you know, for every walnut cluster found in the box, the Chinese will run you over with a tank. China hates walnut clusters.

The McBournie Minute: Smoking

I'm not a smoker, however, I have been known to enjoy a stogie, so I am not a stranger to tobacco. I definitely don't need to have a nicotine fix daily, weekly, or even monthly. So keep that in mind.

I am sick and tired of people treating smokers like they are lepers. I understand smoking bans in work and public places, but things are going a little nutso lately. For example, the fact that if a movie has smoking in it, it may get an "R" rating.

Folks, smoking is bad, we need to keep kids away from it, but that doesn't mean we make it so taboo/ cool as to only be in an "R" rated movie. Do teens really not see those movies? How naive are you?

On top of that, smoking bans in bars are laughable. Much like as with tipping, if you don't want to smell like booze and smoke, don't go to a bar. You are not there for your health, and the people that work there choose to be, as well, so lay off the health risk argument. Alcohol and cigarettes go together like peanut butter and cyanide. They taste good and give you a buzz now and then, but you know if you have a lot of it, you will die.

At some point, your children are going to have to make a decision: whether or not they will smoke. And as parents, America, it's up to you to make sure they know they shouldn't, and up to you to make sure they don't. The rest of us should not have to suffer for your laziness.

MasterChugs Theater: 'Mother's Day'

With a certain holiday right around the corner (c'mon, give it a shot), MCT decided to pick a certain movie for review that's just more appropriate than, say ... Black Christmas. On the surface, one would expect Mother's Day to be another one of those holiday-themed slasher pics from the early 80s; however, this odd little flick is actually more like a combination of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and I Spit on Your Grave. And, no, that isn't a good thing.

Factoid: In 1979, two horror movies began filming less than 15 miles away from each other: Friday the 13th and Mother’s Day. One, of course, went on to live in infamy while the other sank to the rank of “never heard of, seldom seen.” Both were extraordinarily stark films for their time, and both are pretty much equal in style, theme and delivery. Mother’s Day, however, has a unique pedigree: It was directed by Charles Kaufman - brother of Lloyd Kaufman who just happens to be the co-founder and President of the mighty Troma. Go ahead and let that stop you from watching the movie. It's a theory that helps explain the rest of the movie.

Mother’s Day is the story (and by story, I mean "expository narrative used to create plot and dialog," and even then, very loosely) of two redneck hillbilly inbreds and their stern, manipulatin’ mamma. She loves her boys, especially when they’re tormentin’ and choppin’ up travelers. Why does she make them do it? Who the heck knows? The point, much like “Friday the 13th”, is the randomness and insanity of it all. When three old friends--and don’cha just know they’re all gonna be women in a flick like this--who take an annual vacation together decide to take this year’s trip up in Mamma Country, well put the pig on the spit and find the fiddle and washboard player, ‘cause the fun’s gonna begin.

In any case, Jackie (one of the three friends) is singled out to be the first victim. The boys dress her up in a little girl's dress and make her carry a dolly, then they proceed to punch, kick, slap, rape and maul the tar out of her ... all the while Momma watches and claps with glee. Trina and Abbey (the other two friends) escape their bonds, find Jackie and haul ass into the woods. Jackie, unfortunately expires from her beating the night before ... so now it's REVENGE!!!!™ The rest of this twisted flick shows Trina and Abbey basically storm the house and dispatch of the evil threesome. Brother 1 gets a wire through the neck and an ax in the crotch, Brother 2 gets force fed Drano, cracked on the head with a TV and butchered with an electric knife ... and Momma? Well, Abbey suffocates Momma with an inflatable pair of boobs. No ... really.

Overall, Mother’s Day is a surprisingly solid effort from a company better known for its over-the-top, cheesy satire gorefests. At the least, it’s an interesting look at what might have been if they had decided to stick with “serious” scripts; at best it deserves an honorable mention as a fresh attempt, along with Friday the 13th, to revive a genre that was already thought to be dead. All in all, Mother's Day is a pretty despicable affair ... and if you can stomach it all the way to the end, get ready for one the more ridiculous twist endings in film history.

Recommended with some beers. Actually, make that a lot. I'm thoroughly advocating the use of alcoholism and Mother's Day.

Yes, that's right, I said that and went there.

The Farfur Mouse Club

Who's the leader of the cell that's made for you and me?

F-A-R ... are you going to leave Palestine yet?

F-U-R ... are you making me push this detonator switch?

M-O-U-S-E!

Gosh, kids! Nobody should ever use a children's cartoon character for propaganda.

Legal only here ... and in Mississippi

As firm believers in pre-emptive strikes, this blog wishes all mothers everywhere a happy Mothers' Day!

Especially this one.

Mixing hobbies with crime

If you were going to knock over a convenience store, what would be your strategy? One man in West Virginia tried his unusual tactics May 9. The man wore women's panties on his head to cover his face, and pointed a pistol-shaped lighter at the clerk.

Key quote: "The cashier at first thought it was a joke and refused to give the man any money, so he ran to a Jeep Cherokee and drove away at about 4 a.m. Wednesday, Kearns said."

Bring out your dead ... weight

Would this blog ever make fun of abandoned children? You bet your first born.

For our money, it doesn't get any funnier than "baby hatch."

They know exactly what you're thinking

They know what you're feeling. They know when you're lying. They can read your inner most thoughts.

Just like the Wu-Tang Clan, psychics clearly ain't nothin' ta F with. Don't make them mad or they will blow your head get judicial on your butt!

It's ah me ... Militantio!

Sometimes gaming news is pretty blatant and wacky. I mean, did you know that a World of Warcraft credit card via Visa is being put in production? A headline like that simply writes itself. Other times, the connection between a story and whether it's gaming related is very ... tenuous. Suffice to say, it pays to tip the pizza boy really well, especially if he's coming at you with both a fire flower and a claymore.

Ben Fights Five

Ben Folds is a rock powerhouse. His overtly sexual lyrics and constant microphone humping always incite the crowd. Wait, I'm sorry, that's not Ben Folds, that's Prince.

In any case, it should surprise no one that when teamed with such rock gods as the Boston Pops that a fight breaks out. That's right, someone went to see the Pops and got popped.

Thank you, this blog will be here all week.

This round's on the county government

One of the last bastions of functional alcoholism was dealt a lethal blow earlier today. The South Korean County of Koesan has decided to stop giving out its "Drinking Culture Prize" to its government workers.

Key quote: "A county official said Wednesday the public misunderstood the intention of the award, which was meant to recognize government workers who go out to local restaurants and bars to meet citizens and hear what they have to say."

How could that kind of a prize with so noble intentions possibly be misunderstood?

It seemed like such a good idea after the first five beers

First, a sea lion attacks a surfer, then the bees are skiddadlin'. What next? Giraffes are scaring the poop out of our drunk girls, that's what's next. It's senseless mayhem such as this that's reason why a war on animals has been declared.

Key quote: "Police have launched an investigation to find out how the intoxicated students entered the zoo at night and climbed the 10 foot high fence surrounding the giraffe cage."

Personally, I'm pretty sure that she used her hands and feet.

The Wide World of More Than Just Sports

Despite all the handwriting and dire warnings, fornication trafficking did not rise in Germany during last year's World Cup tournament, proving once and for all that soccer is the only thing in the world more important than copulation.

Remember, if scientists were involved, it has to be true.

What's that you say? Science isn't right all the time? Poppycock! Those were simply aberrations done by....the scientists' roadies. Yes, that will do nicely.

Political party of the living dead

Zombies are a major threat to the world. More importantly, they are a threat to democracy in this country and worldwide. They have run for elected office, they have frequently voted in elections and now they want representation in government.

That's right, the zombie plague has spread in India. Grab a shotgun, everyone. And aim at the heads. And remember, no matter how hard they campaign, DO NOT shake their hands.

Next up: the laughing stock

Americans pride themselves on their judicial system. So much so that they sue each other as often as they can, just so they can keep up to date on the latest schools of thought in modern law. Pretty much everyone is in agreement that our judicial system has come a long way since the days of the scarlet letter.

Then, there is Alabama.

Who steals from Wal-Mart in the first place?

Cocaine is off the streets

It's a sad day for all those strung out on caffeine. The energy drink Cocaine, which you heard about here first last September, is being pulled from the shelves because of its name. For those of you who don't remember that well because you were crashing when you read it before, Cocaine claimed to give you over three times as much energy as other energy drinks.

Obviously, its name has drawn some criticism from anti-drug groups, because we all know soft drinks are not allowed to have names based on actual drugs. Guess it's time to break out the razor blades and mirrors again.

One small step for mankind ...

... at least five or six hundred smaller steps for those monsters. Of course, maybe it's more of a death march for them, instead. Oh, and they're monsters, all right. Ever had a picnic ruined? Lost food on the ground? Had your hand smell really weird and icky after smushing one?

Remember people, in the War on Animals, there are no rules. Chemicals weapons are A-OK. Besides, we're humans. As such, we're bigger, higher up on the food chain and invincible.

If you hadn't heard by now

Paris Hilton is going to jail. There's no actual gag or joke attached to this post. I just really, really like this story.

She has eight arms to kill you

Shocking news today, an aquarium in New Zealand has what could be a freakishly intelligent octopus. "Octi" is so smart it can actually lift the lid off of its tank and escape at any time. We must keep this octopus in isolation, before other aquatic creatures start learning. Like raptors in Jurassic Park, it's only a matter of time before it learns to open doors.

Key quote: "Octi can open a plastic bottle filled with crab meat in less than 2-and-a-half minutes, using the suckers on her tentacles. She sometimes rises to the top of her tank and squirts water at her keepers, hitting them right in the eye."

Cobwebs in the ears

Get ready to have some nightmares. An Oregon boy recently had some problems with his ear. He kept hearing a popping sound he compared to Rice Krispies

After going to an ear specialist, they found out what had been giving the fourth-grader so much trouble: his ear drum was home to not one but two spiders. This is further proof of why we need to fight these and all other animals. They will make their homes inside the heads of our children, like one of those things in one of those Star Trek movies.

Stock up on Raid, America.

Booty camp

The pirate way of life is being threatened, as it has been for hundreds of years. The latest incident involved not a battle at sea but on land. And it ended up with citations from the local law enforcement.

Moral of the story, kids: if you plan to go camping on an island with a pirate-style approach (which this blog thinks is an excellent idea) always make sure you have a lookout posted and the cannons always loaded. Ye ne'er know when the police will come for you.

(Courtesy of Chris B.)

You spin me round like a record, baby

Real astronomers don't use high powered telescopes and quantum variable physics to determine the truth behind what planets are made of, both inside and out. Real astronomers spin eggs.

Also, our good friends in New Zealand somewhere smart and important have come up with a technical illustration diagraming the issue in their own article. Suffice to say, Mercury is akin to a Cadbury Creme Egg. The original big kind. Planetlicious.

These are our choices

Another community forced to choose between drinking alcohol and watching all-nude dancing. Life just isn't fair. It's logically smart to avoid lawsuits, but not fair in the slightest.

The McBournie Minute: Cinco de Mayo

On Saturday, millions of Americans celebrated a traditional holiday with a time-honored tradition. The spirit of togetherness was everywhere. That most American of holidays was Cinco de Mayo, or as they say in Mexico, "Five of May."

No one in this country has any idea what the day is in celebration of, but there is a pretty solid theory that it is the Mexican Fourth of July. We figure this because they are the only two holidays we refer to by their dates. It's also a reason to drink tequila and Mexican beer.

One has to wonder, is the Fourth of July as popular in Mexico? Do Mexicans look forward to the day, make party plans and drink whiskey with a Sam Adams chaser?

This country is huge on other countries' holidays, mostly if they can be celebrated with alcohol. For example, St. Patrick's Day celebrations in Ireland pale in comparison to those of Boston and New York City. Every October, Americans put on some bratwurst and grab their mugs to celebrate Oktoberfest.

So if any Asian or African cultures have some holidays they think we might be interested in, they should let us know. America will gladly celebrate with you.

Getting off the seat is really going to hurt

Most people would call a bad day getting robbed. An even worse day would be to get carjacked by a gang and have them make you drive home. Still worse would be when they rob your home and you are there to witness it.

But you know what tops it? Being forced to strip down and be superglued to your own exercise bike. That's rough.

On that note, we're calling it a week. There is much partying to be done this weekend, in honor of our Mexican neighbors.

The last block of winter

For most of the country, spring is here and it's been here for quite some time. This is not so for the people of West Danville, Vermont, where locals bet every year when a cinder block will fall through the ice of a frozen pond.

That's right. They bet on when spring comes based on when a cinder block falls through the ice. Not a whole lot to do up there.

Bats are like college students

Sure, bats are not a good thing to have in one's attic. That's what a couple in Ballston Spa, N.Y thought when they bought a house last year. Then they found 3,500 lbs. of guano in their attic. And dead bats.

Once again, there is no front in the War on Animals. We are not safe anywhere until this war is over--including in our own homes.

The hills are alive with the smell of manure

Are you planning your vacation, but sick of going somewhere fun? Are you trying to find just the right vacation destination that combines summertime cold, makes you hang out with farm animals and a bunch of exercise you aren't in shape for?

Switzerland might be the choice for you. And you won't have to worry about crowds.

Natural across the pond thievery

A man in England kidnapped his wife to stop her from getting breast imlants. We at SG like 'em natural too, but usually try to talk things out first.

Piracy by those you trust

If you've ever suspected that the tech guys who service your computer are stealing your porn, don't worry ... they definitely are.

Geek Squad? More like "Geeks that steal your porn Squad."

Imagine a world run on brew

Lately, everyone is after the coolest new source of alternative energy. There are some unusual ideas out there: corn, food waste and even cow manure are potential sources. But scientists in Australia are looking for something tastier.

Their energy idea: beer. This blog really doesn't understand the process but it has something to do with bacteria eating the sugar in beer to make energy.

All that means is less beer for humans.

Copssssssss

A woman who kept cops from arresting her by holding poisonous snakes was sentenced to house arrest yesterday. This is another example of how animals are out to get us. They are willing to help our outlaws and go against our legal system. This blog is shocked she wasn't charged with treason.

Key quote: "'I just wasn't in the right frame of mind that night,' said Terry Jackson, 36, at her sentencing Monday."

It happens to us all

Don't you hate it when you turn on the Disney Channel and all you get is porn?

I know that I do.

Key quote: "'We were just sitting here and the screen just froze and then all of a sudden I saw very graphic pornography on the television and I scrambled to get the remote to shut it off,' Sherman told CBS 2."

1) Call me an evil person, but the thought of an entire family sitting down together to watch a children's show, and only to have pornography appear on their tv, causing some to shriek out loud in horror as if their eternal soul is being burned at that spot, is an utterly hilarious image.

2) Would it have been better if the pornography was not-so-graphic or even just graphic instead of very graphic?

Uniting in spirit and body

Sex workers Employees in touch with their inner beauty in India get into the whole May Day spirit, and take on the capitalist swine that treat them like chattel. See, all Marxists aren't so bad. Well, OK, just that one Communist guy that Elaine dated on that one episode of "Seinfeld." But that's it.

Build with only black bricks this week

In a tragic story from Europe, an employee at Legoland, a theme park in Denmark, was killed when she was hit by a roller coaster. She was attempting to receive a customer's dropped wallet when the incident happened.

Witnesses day her legs and head popped off on impact, but her torso remained intact.

Look, look!

Flashers are rampant all over this great country. Still, sometimes they're not the brightest of people. After all, if you're going to celebrate your graduation by going skinny dipping and pushing a police golf cart into a pond, it's probably a good idea to take your pants—and your ID--with you when you leave. Plus, it's Minnesota, while it may be warm everywhere, it's probably not there.

Now, as for the legal side of things, and not too far away from merry old Minnesota, New York City wants to increase punishments for subway flashers. Well, I'm that takes all the fun out of your morning commute, you grouchy denizens of NYC.

Why, even across the pond, flashing is rampant. When rugby players in England lose a match, they apparently have to run home naked. (LINK IS NOT SAFE FOR WORK) And people think Bobby Knight is a tough coach.

Remember people, when The Man is trying to take away your fun, don't back down from him-just show him your stuff. Well, maybe not in NYC. But everywhere else is cool beans.

We found this story behind your ear

Magicians still do coin tricks?

In related news, millions of grandfathers are planning to join the suit.

Good news and bad news

Good news: Taco Bell and KFC are apparently trying to go healthy. They've now been downgraded from "toxic sludge" to "poison". Plus, healthier severed fingers and rats!

Bad news: Now if you eat at either of the two places, you'll be living less dangerously. And chicks love danger. As such, the more you eat at Taco Bell or KFC, the less chance that you'll have for picking up a lady.

Well, OK, maybe some things never really change.

They know exactly when you want to play

I personally welcome our new plastic and robotic overlords. Also, if they happen to be shorter than even me, I promise I won't laugh.

Much.

This week in alcohol

After a fun night out at the bars, one German man in Berlin found himself far too drunk to drive. He made the mature decision about it and didn't drive. He did, however, get on his horse to head home. Realizing he was too tired to make it there, he stopped at a bank, locked his trusty steed and himself in the outer lobby where the ATMs were and slept it off.

First off, who has horses in Berlin? Secondly, when you're drunk, the world is your bed.

Think you don't need math? If you like drinking, you are sorely mistaken. U.S. scientists have come up with a mathematic formula to pour a pint of beer with the perfect amount of foam. Good luck understanding it, though.