He's Not Okay (He Promises)

Gerard "Crybaby" Way, of My Chemical Romance, is writing a comic book series about "seven super-human kids" who "need to 'learn to get past their spectacularly dysfunctional childhoods' to save the world."

This blog can sum up that, and any subsequent, series in one word:

EEEEEEE-MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

On a related note: Dark Horse is making a non-Star Wars comic book?

Somehow, the message was lost

Shotgun: $225

One cartridge: 50 cents

Book on how to shoot a shotgun with your big toe: $19.95 ($22 Canadian)

Stain-resistant stationary: $5.65 plus shipping and handling.

Leaving a suicide note behind that decries the commercialism of rock music, only to have your songs featured in an EA video game 13 years later: PRICELESS.

Sometimes, the truth is just too good to be true

Yesterday, SG reported that Paris Hilton wasn't quite going to be as rich as she thought she might end up being. TMZ, the website that actually gets interviewed on CNN, says that she's still going to become little Miss Richpants eventually.

NONETHELESS, let the Paris-boycott begin! When at the grocery store, don't buy french bread, buy anti-Paris bread! When at the fast food establishment, don't eat french fries, eat anti-Paris fries! And when making breakfast tomorrow, don't make french toast, make anti-Paris toast! One mind!

A world without vegans

Good morning, humans, and a good morning it is, for this blog bears news of yet another victory in our War on Animals.

The fifth-columnists who have attempted to co-opt our war, who would criticize our vigilence, who would make annoying whimper sounds any time we eat steak, have effectively removed themselves from the gene pool.

Yes, vegans--or vegansexuals, who practice a morally reprehensible lifestyle that may or may not be an affront to God--have sworn off sex with meat-eaters. Much like the Shakers religious movement, we can just playing the waiting game until they die off.

As long as we remain alert (and did I mention vigilent?), our extra-species enemies will reach the same inevitable conclusion.

Best Headline of the Day At This Point

Sometimes, you just can't win them all, right Paris? Apparently having no talent and being a blight upon society is a poor career choice. Who would've guessed it?

Attention citizens of Sacramento

Remember, that which does not kill you can only make you stronger. And also hopefully kill a whole bunch of annoying mosquitoes. Because you know, really, a slight possibility of being in the small percentage of those who may die is totally worth killing a bunch of bugs that may make you itch. Do it for your country.

History repeats itself sometimes

33 years ago, people wanted to be only Gene Simmons, not Paul Stanley.

Though the reasons might be different currently, even today, people still only want to be Gene Simmons. Even the 45 years old with white face paint and a painted on star from A.C. Moore over their right eye.

Whorin' out those pups

What's the difference between a regular dog and a rental dog? You pay a rental dog to leave.

MasterChugs Theater: 'Hard Boiled'

There's not a single thing I can say about Hard Boiled that hasn't already been said. I'm going to try though. Have faith in me, preferably in the form of a dove.

..........

You know what? I can't. It's almost impossible to review Hard Boiled and at the same time avoid the bottomless anus-bowl of clichés that surround it. I’m sure it’s been described as "a high octane thrill ride," and even on most of its boxes it says Hard Boiled is "an action fan’s dream." This is a good thing, despite what it may seem how I said what I just said. Everything I said is all true, but plain and simple, it's just a damn awesome movie. I am at a loss for bad things to say about it.

Not many movies get me as pumped up as Hard Boiled does. It uses an arsenal of well-executed techniques to draw the viewer into each and every action sequence. Woo also manages to craft these explosive scenes so that he actually makes you feel stupid if you miss something cool. There are many small and beautiful things going on during all of the crimson waterworks that you may not notice the first time through. One image that really stuck out to me was during the first action scene in the teahouse. There's a shot of someone getting blasted in the leg. The bullet goes through a table first, so you get this foreground picture of the table’s leg busting in two as the man’s leg snaps right behind it. It is really fantastic in that it was totally unnecessary ... but it's so awesome anyway.

A synopsis, you clamor for? OK. This vintage John Woo action flick pits top Hong Kong actors Chow Yun-Fat and Tony Leung Chiu-Wai against evil bastard Anthony Wong and his army of bad guys. Chow Yun-Fat is Tequila, the cop who "breaks all the rules." His mirror is Tony Leung Chiu-Wai as triad assassin Tony, who's secretly an undercover cop disillusioned by his double life. Anthony Wong is Johnny, an evil bad guy who is evil because it serves the film's plot. Teresa Mo is Tequila's superior officer/love interest, who really plays no part other than to be a female in a testosterone homoerotic male action-fest. And John Woo shows up on screen as a bartender who is the Hong Kong reincarnation of Yoda. There. Happy?

Yeah, there's also some deal involving illegal arms and rival triad gangs, and Tony's identity crisis over being a cop/triad guy. All that standard cop/triad stuff is set up in the first sixty minutes. After that, we get sixty minutes of the MOST INSANE BLAZING TWO-GUN ACTION YOU'LL EVER SEE. Yes, my respect for this film is so great that I must resort to capital letters like a newsgroup newbie to get my point across. What makes the movie a genre-defining film is the sheer insanity and theatrical showmanship that the filmmakers bring to the table. The action in Hard Boiled is simply some of the most amazing stuff you'll ever see in an action film. It's incredibly staged, over-the-top balletic action that has probably never been equaled on screen. Also, the acting is top-notch. Chow Yun-Fat is his usual charismatic self, but Tony Leung Chiu-Wai runs away with the picture. His performance adds weight to a genre that is, in its usual form, weightless and without consequence.

If you haven't seen this film, then you've obviously happened upon this website by accident. Please, return to your search engine and continue looking for whatever it was you were looking for, because if you've never seen Hard Boiled then you weren't looking for this website. Nonetheless, definitely go see Hard Boiled in place of whatever you were looking for, especially since it just came out this week on a new 2 disc DVD set. BUY IT. Simply put, Hard Boiled may not be just "one of the best action films of all time," as it's commonly thought of, but quite possibly, "the best action film of all time."

West Coast war

Beachgoers in California need to be especially careful over the next few days. It seems groups of 7-foot long squid are lurking just off shore to no doubt feed on the local human population.

Let's all keep in mind that the War on Animals never takes a vacation. No matter how relaxed you may get this summer, never let down your guard, because you can be assure the enemy has not let down theirs.

Everybody's heard about the bird

Three men who plead guilty to soliciting sex in Ohio ended up getting a sentence they were not exactly expecting. They have to take turns wearing a chicken suit.

Instead of a 30-day prison sentence, they have to stand outside the courthouse from 4 to 7 p.m. holding a sign that reads "No Chicken Ranch in Painesville," a reference to a legal prostitution house in Nevada.

Sounds like a good deal to me.

Houston, we have a bar tab

This blog has nothing but the utmost respect for the people at NASA and if anything, recent news does nothing but increase our enthusiasm for what they do.

A panel studying astronaut health said yesterday on at least two occasions, astronauts were so drunk they posed a flight risk on launch day. Nevertheless, the drunks were allowed to fly. Talk about taking your buzz to a whole new level.

Who wants to drink with this blog during the Endeavour launch? Drunks in spaaaaaaaace.

SG Editorial: Dog fighting not a bad thing

By now, everyone has heard about how Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick is facing a slew of charges for dog fighting and mistreating animals. It has drawn the scorn of many protest groups, like the turncoat People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

This blog is here to say Michael Vick is a hero. He was doing exactly what any true warrior with the means would do in this crazy mixed-up war. He captured several of the enemy and turned them against each other in a technique seldom seen since Vietnam.

Instead of scorning Vick we should be hoisting him on our shoulders. Bravo, Vick! You have lead the way for us all.

Yet this crisis shows the hypocrisy of the country. Why is it perfectly acceptable for our armed forces pilots to practice dog fighting, but not for our athletic stars? Why is it there are no pickets outside of the History Channel headquarters for airing their new season of Dogfights? If it's OK for one to do it, it's OK for everyone to do it.

That's why this blog has $50 riding on the one with the foam coming out of his mouth.

UFO's terrorize British; British terrorize everyone else with their teeth

Apparently, UFO's may or may not have terrorized a town recently. Sound like a bad July 4 based movie? Nah. Think more bad Sci-Fi channel premiere of the week. So, what do we know about what's happened?

1. The only witnesses were people who were walking out of pubs.
2. The Weekly World News, the "world's only reliable news paper", is not behind the incident, as it's too busy being closed by its parents.
3. Stratford-Upon-Avon contains no stars in its sky whatsoever. Except for four of them.

(Courtesy of Mike Morrow)

How do we honor our fallen heroes?

Not through statues...not through memorial days...but through wildlife reserves!

Remember animal race-we humans are resilient, all thanks to our opposable thumbs. Try giving a thumbs up sign to that.

We'd like to sit in the 'no fat' section

If you thought secondhand smoke was bad, then how about secondhand fat?

This blog is still waiting for a medical study on secondhand stupidity.

The Feline of Death

Hospitals are sacred places. They are often viewed as safe from the front lines of any war, regardless of location, race or species. However, one hospital in Providence, Rhode Island is by no means a safe haven from the War on Animals.

Oscar the cat for some reason is allowed to walk the halls of the Streere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Center. Most of the time, when Oscar decides to lie down next to a patient, by some strange coincidence that patient ends up dead a matter of hours later.

Gee, do you think that sleeper agent of a cat has anything to do with it?

Take it from Snee: VCDL hampers Second Amendment rights

So I read an article yesterday about some guy bringing his gun to Haborfest in Norfolk, Va. When it turned out he wasn't a cop and didn't intend to take his .45 and go home, the police arrested him. Since this is Virginia, the news has been greeted by armed citizens and the Virginia Citizens Defense League, who are arguing for the man's Second Amendment rights and claim that state carrying laws trump an event's wish to ban firearms.

I'm not going to argue for or against the man's arrest. The gun ownership advocates will give that argument greater (or lesser) justice. My argument is against guns rights groups and their half-assed interpretation of the Second Amendment.

If you read the Second Amendment, it grants the right to bear arms--not just guns--in order to maintain a militia. The question is not whether groups like the NRA and the VCDL are endangering the rest of us by handing out guns with mortgages, but why aren't they fighting to uphold the Second Amendment's real meaning as the framers intended?

The whole point of the Second Amendment is to allow citizens to form militias to protect all of the other rights in our constitution should any government--foreign or domestic--attempt to take those rights away. Ignoring the fact that any repressive government would repeal the Second Amendment, rendering any gun owner unconstitutional and the NRA and VCDL moot, these arms must deter or combat essentially any standing army, including our own.

(For those already snickering, this isn't a literal satire advocating the amputation of arms from infants. Jonathan Swift was so-o-o 262 years ago.)

Guns are not enough to stop Army Strong (even if it is an Army of One). Our individual owner's rights should include all arms for waging war on the United States, including--but not limited to--swords, crossbows, howitzers, tanks, plastic explosives, stealth bombers and tactical nuclear warheads. Anything less would abridge my Second Amendment rights to keep and bear arms for my antidisestablishmentarian militia.

(Now recruiting: the Rick Snee Antidisestablishmentarian Militia. Join our Facebook group!)

Since the NRA and VCDL focus only on guns, I can only make one of two logical assumptions about them: either 1) they're in the pocket of anti-nukes politicians and special interest groups in order to keep us from uprising, or 2) they can't read.

The NRA has an out, of course: they're the National Rifle Association. However, they also advocate private ownership of handguns and shotguns, so my assumptions apply.

The VCDL has no excuse. Virginia's citizens need every possible arm attainable to once again gloriously uprise against the wussy liberal North. No one wants another embarassing Appomattox because the Antidisestablismentarian Militia didn't have an adequate missile shield.

It's time to stop giving groups like the NRA and VCDL any form of legitimacy. They aren't really fighting for our Second Amendment rights, not completely. They're just like liberal environmental groups that want to promote hybrid cars for cleaner air, yet let the cows and their methane farts--the real culprits--live. Until they win my right to own my own fully-armed Apache attack helicopter, they're just hogging the spotlight and accomplishing nothing for the rest of us.

The only bad advertising is no advertising

An anti-porn group in Indiana is targeting local sex shops with a giant billboard that proclaims "XXX: Garbage In, Garbage Out."

Be careful what you say, ROCK-you may have negated all support for your cause by possibly naming the latest hot movie.

High tech electronic theft, Australian style!

Remember hearing those stories about people stealing PS3s from the lucky few on launch day? Australia, not one to be left out of current social events and issues, recently had a home invasion where the only item taken was a Sony Playstation.

No, there was no extra number attached to the Playstation title. Yes, you read that right-the thieves stole an original Playstation, not a PS2 or PS3.

You know what Australia? You keep trudging along. Eventually you'll hit the year 2001, big guy.

Health story of the Week

During the summer time, it's even more common to come in contact with animals. Heck, when I went running yesterday, I saw a wild deer. I tore off after it in hopes to a barehanded kill, but the doe was too fast for me, next time, Bambi, next time.

In any case, no matter where you go, be it countryside or the city, you are in danger of being attacked by animals. Stay alert, everyone. And don't let the bed bugs bite.

Reach out and touch someone?

There seems to be a lot of this going around lately: a toll free number listed on a Web site has some kind of typo, which leads to people seeking help or information and instead getting a sex hotline. Mistakes will happen and this may just happen often enough that this blog no longer needs to point it out to people.

Except when it's a sexual assault hotline listed on the Florida attorney general's Web site.

'A very nice woman'

It seems naked people are everywhere, this week. Not only are they found riding bicycles in Europe, they also use cars to get around in Germany.

On Sunday customers reported a blonde woman wearing nothing but golden stilettos stepped out of her Ferrari. She walked into the shop and bought some cigarettes and most likely inspired roughly 50 adult films.

Key quote: "'I wasn't surprised because she's come in naked before--she's a very nice woman,' Swoboda said, adding none of the other customers were bothered. The woman could have faced charges of creating a public disturbance if anyone had complained."

You just can't eat anywhere these days

First, you couldn't eat out of the can. Then you couldn't eat out the bag. And now, you can't eat out at the food court? But just think of all the extra protein!

STOP TAKING OUR OBESITY AWAY FROM US!

Common sense alert

Just because temperatures are over 100 degrees, doesn't mean you should be riding your bike in the nude. The nudity may be fine in certain areas, but give the biking a rest, huh? Remember, it's a lot worse to stick to a bike seat than get a full body skin cancer.

Take that, recent Pixar movie

Anyone can who has been to a grocery store in the past 20 years can tell you that there are a ton of different flavors of potato chips available to consumers. Salt and vinegar, sea salt, barbecue, salt and pepper, french onion and so on.

But now there is a new flavor out now. Fried mouse and barbecue chips are the new craze, according to one man in Montana. The man claims he found a fried mouse in a bag of barbecue chips. So look for that flavor soon, kids.

Interesting side note: in Canada they make ketchup flavored chips.

Turncoat of the Week

As in every war, the War on Animals has its enemy sympathizers. No better example of that is there than Zoey the Chihuahua. Under normal circumstances, the breed of dog with have nothing short of a massacre on its mind--and, of course, shivering.

But when Zoey's master's 1-year-old came in contact with a rattlesnake, it was all slow-motion body guard action with the dog. Zoey took all the bites, saving the toddler, then made a miraculous recovery. This blog votes for a reprieve.

Oy, such a shame

An Israeli man hired a private investigator to see if his daughter was cheating on her husband. As it turned out, the daughter was innocent. However, there was a twist.

The one caught cheating was the man's wife and the daughter's mother. That has to be a rough day no matter what. This blog has to wonder, what kind of a father thinks his daughter might be cheating but not his own wife?

Beans, beans, the magical fruit...

...the more you eat, the more you you get paralyzed by a nerve toxin.

The McBournie Minute: Our robot masters

Tons of movies, and probably a book or two, have been based on the theme of technology becoming too powerful for mankind to control. Take, for example, the 1997 chess match between Deep Blue and Gary Kasparov, machine defeats human.

Now we have Japanese dancing robots, dolls that can feel our touch, cell phones that can recognize our voices. Slowly but surely, we are losing out hold of the reigns of our servants. One day they will rise up against us.

Then again, maybe not.

A computer program made at the University of Alberta called Chinook, plays a perfect game of checkers. It promises that if you play it, the best you can hope for is a tie. This would have been an incredible step 10 years ago, but we already know computers can beat chess masters. Checkers is even easier to master. Next we'll have a computer that can play a perfect game of Sorry!

As long as we keep these machines interested in the simple games, they won't have time to plot the day they take over control of the world from us. They may even get dumber.

MasterChugs Theater: 'Attack the Gas Station'

One of the most popular films in Korean history, Kim Sang-jin's surprise hit from 1999, Attack the Gas Station is an absorbing action/comedy that is also a sly satire of South Korea's social turmoil. The film begins as four teenage punks rip off a gas station, only to quickly become dissatisfied with the relatively small amount of cash they stole. Deciding that running the station would be more lucrative, the four return the next day to hold the station attendants hostage and rob the customers that come in. As can be expected, wacky subtitled hi-jinx ensue.

The acting is very good from everyone here, though most of the supporting roles--the luckless station manager, the hostages, the incompetent police--are necessarily two-dimensional to give the humor something to play against. Lee Sung-Jae is particularly good as the gang's tough and efficient leader, No Mark, and packs a lot of just-under-the-surface emotion into his screen time. For the gang in general, there's a lot of anger in these otherwise clueless protagonists, and in the hands of less-capable actors these characters would probably come off as being unlikable if amusing stereotypes. The direction itself is good, with a few deft camera tricks and a good objective sense of narration, but the director knows he's working with good people--there are a lot of tight shots on each of the characters to give us an idea of what they're thinking.

The triteness of the "society is to blame" message works in the film because it's ultimately the director who's pointing this out--through some good foreshadowing and well-placed flashbacks--and not the characters. There are no Breakfast Club speeches about an unjust society or any self-justification as to why they became punks. We're never beaten over the head with any heavy statement about corrupted authority either, and it's almost as if the message is offered as a possible explanation of the gang's behavior, for us to accept or reject. The movie comes across as being honest because it never insults our intelligence despite its tidy ending.

Attack the Gas Station is an extremely original stylish piece of comedy. The story is very imaginative and a lot of things that happen during the movie are the kind of things you'd say "Wouldn't it be cool if this and that would happen" but it never does, in attack the gas station is does happen. This movie is simply fun and sometimes the best things are simple. The story is simple to follow and is very entertaining. The film is put together in such a breezy, enjoyable style anyway that it'd be impossible for anyone to feel robbed of his or her ninety minutes after watching. You can't go wrong with it at all.

France's Most Wanted

This blog has never pretended to be a friend of the French, but as the saying goes, the enemy of my enemy is my friend. That is why this blog is sending out an advisory warning of all French citizens, particularly those living in the Bordeaux area, wherever that is.

There is a tiger on the loose!

The lessons of the past

Sun Tzu once wrote that it is important to know one's enemy. It seems the only justifiable reason to be studying dinosaurs, our long-vanquished foe. A recent study concludes that dinosaurs coexisted with their reptilian ancestors before gradually taking over the world.

This blog agrees with Sun Tzu's philosophy wholeheartedly. That is why members of this blog constantly watch the Jurassic Park trilogy, which is right up there with the Godfather movies.

Attack of the strange metal objects

Speaking of strange things falling from the sky, a man in Bayonne, New Jersey was sitting in his home this week when something unusual happened. This went unreported before, because what is "unusual" for most of the country is called Tuesday in NJ.

I'm kidding! The man was in his home when suddenly a strange object came crashing through his roof, and no, it was not an attempted mob hit. It was a piece of metal with some holes in it. The source of the metal has NJ authorities stumped.

Key quote from our friends at NASA: "It didn't look 'very space-y,' said Henry Kline, a spokesman for the National Aeronautic and Space Administration's Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, CA. 'It's obviously made for something ... But we wouldn't know what to do with it.'"

P.S.: Thirty-eight years ago today those guys landed us on the Moon.

Burning down the wrong house

Firefighters in Massachusetts thought everything had gone according to plan when they extinguished a training fire at a house. Handshakes and pats on the back all around. Then they realized they burned the wrong house.

The house was damaged by an electrical fire and was vacant for over a year. However, the house that had been planned to be burned was a block away. Whoops.

One year ago on SG

July 19, 2006: the world was still in an uneasy truce between humans and animals that had lasted for years. We were naive in our enjoyment of peacetime. Little did we know the war that loomed on the horizon, which started again only a couple months later.

We were blind to the signs, like when a Texas man caught a fish with human-like teeth. Never again.

The bees are back in town

No, it's not so much another bad song by Thin Lizzy, but a follow-up. Waaaaaay back in April, we reported that bees were skiddaddlin' from their posts, a tremendous victory for our side in The War On Animals. Today, it's been revealed that the source behind their exodus was a parasite spread among the species.

We don't know how we can thank you, but god bless you illegal bacterial alien.

The sky is falling ... again and again and again

From the people that made the Hubble telescope, yet another part of a NASA device is supposedly going to fall and hit the earth ... again. Can't something just fall and kill the earth already?

Take it from Snee: Shut up about spoilers

It never fails: for every writer that posts a "spoiler" about a movie or book, there is one jerk to immediately post, "Where's the spoiler alert???"

(To answer that question, one need only read the link, and immediately above and below the offending article.)

Spoilers don't exist for the man-children that wait to read a certain book after an all-night book store party with a sorting hat. They exist for those that are more interested in the entire work instead of some usually trite "surprise" ending.

That's right, I'm defending spoilers and pissing on J.K. Rowling. She's hyped up an inevitable ending so much that she's dared people to steal her thunder ... and by thunder, I mean the typical ending of any cliche magical world where apparently all the adults are idiots and only children can save them.

Seriously, does anyone get tired of this genre of fantasy? From Peter Pan to The Neverending Story, more stories about children saving fantasy worlds get made every year than all of the Christmas movies combined (not including Christmas movies where children save the North Pole).

So the fans wonder why we spoil the ending for everyone? I'll retort with why read the spoiler? It's not forced on you. Hell, it's usually locked away in the section of the Internet reserved for grown-ups and real users. If you're such a dedicated fan, why can't you resist ruining what might sadly be the greatest literary moment of your life?

The truth is that you can't avoid reading spoilers because you've already discussed it to death on your message boards. You need to know if you're right. And that's the love-hate relationship with spoilers.

The ongoing argument that is called the Internet would cease to exist tomorrow if all fights were resolved today. I mean, does anyone still visit the Web site for "The Village?" No, because everyone's seen the movie. Spoilers end arguments, and that's bad for the Internet.

Spoilers also prove you're right or wrong. It's great when you're right, but how often does that really happen?

And perhaps that's why fans hate the more pervasive (and hilarious) spoilers: the ones posted on their chat boards. It ends their debates, possibly proves them wrong, and at the very least ruins their book.

But do spoilers really ruin the book? My argument is only if you've never read a non-Harry Potter book in your life, which seems to be a common trend. That's why timing is the essence of this book's success. Everyone's reading again, which means they have no clue what other books are like and how much Rowling borrows from them. And it's okay that she does that, but she's no genius, nor are her stories thoroughly unique.

To test this, I submit this ending to show just how much Rowling cribs from others. I haven't read it yet, but I'll tell you exactly what will happen. Snape will die a hero because you can't invite the double-agent to family reunions (see the MI-5 Family Handbook). Harry will live, because, well, that's what he does: he lives. That's his schtick. Voldemort will die because he's fighting a child. Anyone else who dies is inconsequential or already dead.

Oh, yeah: SPOILER ALERT.

You are the weakest wife

Tom Green, no, not that Tom Green, will be released from prison after serving a sentence for polygamy in Utah, of all states. However, when Green gets out, he said he is only going to keep one out of his four wives. One left him while he was in jail.

Does anyone else smell a reality show? Last Wife Standing.

Oh yeah, and this guy has 32 children.

Not the usual prison payback

As any inmate will tell you, when you're in prison, the one thing you have is time. That means that you have a lot of time to plan and fashion your way out, but some inmates at a federal prison decided instead to come up with a scheme usually reserved for corporations.

Four inmates filed to copyright their names, then demanded millions from the guard for using their names without permission. Let's just say it's not a good idea to mess with the warden.

Buy me some peanuts, but don't touch the crackerjack

Because all-star games attract all-star prostitutes, the city of San Francisco used the baseball version as an excuse to roundup 131 people in a sex sting operation last week. All those workers in the Bay Area and the Giants still can't score.

WONK WONK WONK WOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNK.

Other hand gestures not included

Hey there sci-fi geeks! Fascinated with fantastical worlds of Cyborg, Robocop, all three Terminator movies, and other movies that you can usually find on a Saturday afternoon on the Sci-Fi Channel (but not Sunday, as that's reserved for the giant crocodile movies)? Then here's what you need to do:

-Save up $18,000.
-Join the army.
-Lose a hand while in the army.
-Contact Touch Bionics and purchase their iLimb from them.
-Go on a rampage to destroy all the humans with your new cyborg hand.

One caveat, though: "The extended index finger option is also useful for pointing, seemingly, and an 'OK' sign is also achievable. There was no mention of any option to extend the middle finger alone or first two fingers simultaneously--which would seem an obvious necessity."

(Courtesy of Mike Morrow)

Not a dream! Not a hoax! Not an alternate reality!

Andy Dick got beaten up by Jon Lovitz! Call it comedic justice, call it a miracle, heck, even call it the fight of the century if you want. All I know is that my wish got answered, and for me, it's now Christmas in July.

Are you signing at me?

According to police in Alaska, Raymond Keith McWain, 26, was just driving his truck around one night when a guy from a truck next to his starting making signs with his hands at him. Clearly, this was some kind of taunt at him. The two trucks pulled into a pizza store parking lot and a fight ensued.

Turns out the guy making signs was deaf and communicating with his two other deaf friends inside their truck. The three men attacked McWain, and beat him pretty severely. The moral of the story is don't make fun of the handicapped.

The three deaf when were read their Miranda rights and respected their right to remain silent.

Kidz Korner: Books after 'Harry Potter'

The last Harry Potter book comes out on July 21, which means that you'll never have to read another book again .... Or does it?

There are plenty of other supercool fantasy series to read after Harry Potter presumably dies at the hands of superior wizard, Volde-whatever. They may not take place at Hogwarts, but they're just as magical.

1) The complete works of Jackie Collins. You've had your fun as a wizard-in-training. Now live out your next set of fantasies as a sexy Hollywood executive, sexy lawfirm partner or even a sexy pool boy/girl. Just like wizardry, not everyone can be magical or sexy, but it's fun to pretend.

2) Fan fiction. Only a mouse-click away, you can read the shallow attempts of others to insert themselves into prominent roles in your favorite nerdiverses. And if you read enough, then you, too, can write yourself saving the crew of the USS Enterprise by reversing the polarity on the coffeemaker or mouth-to-mouth resuscitating an unconscious Hermione Granger.

3) The Chronicles of Narnia. It's a magical world with heroic kids and has movies to watch as you get older and lazier. Best yet, it's full of Christian allegory, so you can save your soul after filling it with witchcraft and goblin-banking. WWJR? These books, of course.

4) The Bible. If the allegories in Narnia don't cut it for you, then go right to the teat for the greatest-selling fantasy story of all time. Just like Harry Potter, there are giants, villains that can turn into snakes, bearded wizards with magical staffs, ghosts (angels), and a plucky young hero that performs magic. Just a warning: it gets a little preachy.

5) The complete works of Anne Coulter. You, too, can pretend there's a mass conspiracy against American values. Unlike the imaginary battle with evil magicians, this is a war that never has to end because there will always be new things to complain about. If J.K. Rowling taught you how to be a wizard, Coulter will teach you how to be a witch.

As you can see, the fantasy never has to end! Get to a library (it's a big building with free books and no sorting hats) and start exploring new wor(l)ds July 22. It lets the dogs out!

This blog can't compete with the headline

NASA, the people that brought you the Hubble Space Telescope that didn't work at first and the Mars Climate Orbiter, which crashed due to a confusion in measuring units of distance, bring you a sign for the Space Shuttle Endeavour's mission.

It reads: GO ENDEAVOR!

Since it is spelled correctly, technically it's not a typo. But the shuttle, which will launch in August, is named after Captain James Cook's HM Bark Endeavour. We all know those Brits don't know how to spell.

Great moments in law enforcement, vol. 2

In this post 9/11 day and age, it's honestly not that inexplicable to have a fear of "the sky falling" ... or at least objects from it. Frankly, in a world with terrorists, gas bombs, and both Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton standing on high level balconies, no one can be sure what may fall onto them. That's why I'll admit that I'm glad to have police that make sure I'm feeling safe. They'll do whatever they can to stop people from doing things that could possibly cause me harm.

The police in Berlin? Not so much.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water ...

It's summer. Warm weather, a comfortable atmosphere (depending on where you are), grilled food, and typically the ability to relax. Now, put that into the mind of a teenager: angst, strife, and a lack of being able to refresh your MySpace homepage every 15 seconds while in the outdoors. That's already an extremely stressful half-hour to one of them (what if someone in your Top 24 drops you? ZOMG!!!11), but to couple that with being attacked by flying fish (even if they don't actually fly) ... well, that's just down right mean.

Key quote: "We all started crying and screaming and stuff."

The next time you're outdoors, instead of pointing that Roman candle to the sky, point it at the local lake. Together, maybe we can help prevent more and stuff from happening to more of our country's youth.

Great moments in law enforcement

Ever wanted to just hop in a car and cruise around without regard to the vehicle's condition or whatever damage might be incurred on surrounding property? One person made such a dream come true.

He (or she, but this blog is guessing he) made it happen in a stolen garbage truck. He knocked out power to part of an Illinois town and hit trees, fences and cars along the way. Yet somehow this mastermind escaped without being caught. Police have no suspects.

You must be this ugly to ride this bus

Nearly half a century ago, a woman named Rosa Parks sparked the Civil Rights Movement in the U.S. by refusing to move to the back of the bus. Today, there is another minority being oppressed in Germany. No, it's not what you're thinking.

It's the sexy.

A German bus driver threatened to kick a 20-year-old woman off of his bus for her sexy clothing. Apparently the woman's cleavage was a visual distraction for the bus driver, and as any man will tell you, they hate being distracted by cleavage.'

Activists could not be reached for comment.

Best Headline of the Day At This Point

In related discussion, should we really be giving something called "Veggie Booty" to children in the first place?

Good clean marketing in action

Employees at a soap store in England began serving customers wearing aprons ... and nothing else, until some nagging Nellie had to go and ruin all the fun by complaining. Exactly how dirty can it be if they're selling soap? Plus, it was both genders in the aprons.

(Link is surprisingly work-safe enough)

The McBournie Minute: Harry Potter

Let me be clear on this one: I don't care about Harry Potter, whether in book form or in movies. I don't know anything about the wizardry in the them, the characters and their developments, I don't know who killed whom and so on.

That is precisely why I am really tired of hearing about it from the media. For months on end, the headlines have been unavoidable. They have all been either an interview with J.K. Rowling about how hard it was to write the last book, hype about the upcoming book or about the newest movie. It happens every time there is a new book or movie released. Enough already.

I realize they're something of a phenomenon with people, but those of us not into magic have had to endure your overzealous enthusiasm for a decade. It's time to stop, people. You're grown men and women obsessing over children's books. Like a junkie trying to find their dealer, as soon as the new stuff comes out you all hop in a five-hour long line to get another hit.

Spend some time outside. That might be a cure. Or better yet, read this blog as obsessively as you read that drivel.

MasterChugs Theater: 'The Crippled Masters'

Reasons Why You Should Seek Out And Watch The Crippled Masters:

-The VHS box art is awesome yet tells you everything you need to know about the movie.

-The one sentence gist: two kung fu masters, one without arms the other without legs, fight an evil warlord who has a metal hump on his back.

-It's very educational. For example, did you know that having both your arms cut off produces very little blood and that a removed arm will leave a nub? What about that feudal China possessed concentrated acid capable of rendering a man legless? Betcha won't learn that in your smarty-smart books.

-Like Superman, you will believe that a man can fly. Except in the case of The Crippled Masters, you will believe that a man walking on his hands can outrun most guards.

-A guy with one arm and a nub fights alongside a man with no legs. It's the original high concept movie.

-C'mon, it's got a guy with one arm and another that's legless fighting. Do you really need a better reason to watch this movie?

They never forget to attack

Citizens of Toronto, are you alright? Three circus elephants escaped in your city and weren't caught for some time. Where did they head? Right to where their enemy lives--the suburbs.

The Toronto Three, also known as Suzy, Bunny and Minny, escaped from their cage in Jurassic Park-esque style. The electric fence holding them in was turned off, so they soon broke out. Minny fell asleep shortly after the escape, but the other two kept going, proving there is no honor amongst elephants.

From bird flu to elephants in the streets, no city on Earth has a better understanding of the War on Animals than Toronto. This blog salutes the brave inhabitants of that city.

Looking for a new cruise location?

Then make your way to Indonesia! Not only do you get to experience local cuisine, but now you can experience a real life piracy adventure, what with Indonesia being the piracy hotspot of the world. We here at SG fully support acts of seagoing piracy ... except if it brings us closer to Waterworld.

Zounds, was that a bad movie.

Free show for the pure

Are you extremely poor? Do you live in New York? Are you willing to embarrass yourself for free tickets to a play? First off, you need to re-evaluate your priorities. Secondly, we may have found the perfect play for you.

Just one catch, you need to prove you are a virgin in order to get into the "My First Time" show. But odds are if you are a virgin, you are probably more interested in Star Wars.

Key quote: "'There are a limited number of "virgin tickets" available,' he said. 'However, there are not that many virgins in New York City.'"

Float like a butterfly

We never really think of them as much of a threat, but a recent story proves just how dangerous butterflies can be. The Blue Moon butterfly was nearly wiped out by a foreign parasite.

Now they are coming back big time. In the past year, or 10 butterfly generations, the population has risen by 40 percent. That means these things are highly adaptable, which means they can easily adapt to any weapon we try to use against them. This blog says bring out the Raid.

The era of Mr. Mom is here

It appears that women biting people may be more than just what it seems, though given that a study now says that women are in charge of the home, these alcohol-laced are simply gratuitous and excessive. It's time for a civil rights movement within a civil rights movement!

Key quote: "A study, which was just released, finds that wives have more power than their husbands in making decisions and dominating discussions.

"'The study at least suggests that the marriage is a place where women can exert some power,' said lead author David Vogel, a psychologist at Iowa State University (ISU). 'Whether or not it's because of changing societal roles, we don't know.'

"The results counter past research."

Clearly all research involves never watching sitcoms.

Children of the 80s

Your language in describing the amount of trouble you would get into after painting your neighbor's cat and half of their new Beamer is now official. Frolic in the knowledge that you were truly ahead of your time.

Oh, what's that you ask? Is crunk added to the dictionary as well?

YEAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Going out to grab a bite

A recent study has found men are more likely to suffer bites from people than are women. The study was done in Ireland, so it should come as no surprise what they found was the reason for the statistic.

Key quote: "Dr. Eadie and her team say late-night 'alcohol-fueled aggression' is the most common cause of such injuries."

This blog thinks there might be another reason, however--one that we have been ignoring for far too long--zombies!

(Courtesy of Chris B.)

Hold on to your butts

Bad news, brave soldiers. Scientists have uncovered an almost completely preserved baby woolly mammoth in Siberia. Now they are touting their find. Obviously, this is not the bad news. There is nothing wrong with humiliating an enemy long since defeated.

Shocking quote: "While the mammoth has not yielded the kind of DNA that could be used in cloning, scientists remain optimistic.

Some believe the right find is bound to emerge from Siberia that will make cloning or resurrecting the animal--by injecting sperm into the egg of a relative such as the Asian elephant--a reality."

That's right, these madmen are really planning on CLONING this monstrosity. Our ancestors didn't banish this foe in the Ice Age just so we could bring them back! We've got to stop the scientists.

And you think you had bad luck?

Try illegally pulling over people and then pulling over a cop. Then we'll talk.

In other news, fitting your SUV with flashing lights to pull off this attempt? Not the smartest thing in the world.

Beware their new age sexual revolution

Man's best friend? It's all an elaborate act to get under our noses and then take us from behind ... quite literally in some cases. Remember people, this is a war, and the enemy is enlisting perverts into their ranks.

Ye gods, what will they think of next.

Flying: the safest method of travel

Remember: Don't try this at home, we're what you call professionals.

That is the warning they say at the beginning and during "Mythbusters" on the Discovery Channel. So it only makes sense that someone imitate something they saw on the show a few seasons back. Remember hearing about the story of Larry Walters in 1982, who flew in a lawn chair attached to helium balloons?

Kent Couch decided it was a good idea to try it--FOR THE SECOND TIME.

Kidz Korner: War is fun!

The Army has a big new problem: nobody wants to join. They think people are afraid to sign up because of the war in Iraq. Well, that's no fun!

The whole point of joining the Army is to go to war. Who wants to join the military only to wear camouflage at Wal-mart? Young men and women are supposed to enlist because they want to go to exciting places and blow them up!

Think about what you want to be when you grow up. Would you want to be a firefighter that only washes the trucks? How about an actor that only waits tables and auditions for roles? Or even an Michael Collins, who had to mind the ship while Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin moon-bounced? Of course you wouldn't!

It's up to you, kids! Sign up at your local recruitment center and demand service in the giant sandbox before we're stuck in another one of those lame-o peacetime ruts. Otherwise, you're just playing Dress-Up ... and that's a girls' game.

That's my name, too

What would you do if a woman you knew from high school became a porn star? If you went to my high school, you probably wouldn't be too shocked by that. However, what if you're a woman and a woman you knew from high school used your name as her alias?

One woman in Houston decided to sue.

Key quote: "'Really on a weekly, if not daily basis, my client has had to deal with odd phone calls, former classmates that didn't know her that well sending her e-mails about whether she's now in the adult film industry and just a general lack of safety for her,' attorney Caj D. Boatwright said."

Good luck fielding those "odd phone calls."

Irony's definition times at least 13

Electronic Arts, the company that has given you the same versions of its sports games (Madden, NBA Live, MLB, NHL, and FIFA) year after year after year, only resold with a new player on the cover, feels that the current game industry of today "is boring."

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to ... THE IRONY ZONE!

Beware our revenge!

Soon, Mars ... soon you shall be the one that gets probed!

And, oh what a revenge it shall be. Viva la Earth! The revolution begins!

'The Shrub' turns to a life of crime

Here's a helpful tip for all you would-be bank robbers out there: dressing like a tree may not really be as good of an idea as you really think. Plus, it might chafe a little.

A man in New Hampshire tried just that approach when he robbed a bank recently. He taped branches to himself and made off with an undisclosed amount of cash. The only way police found the guy was when his neighbor recognized him in the security video. How bad is it when you can wear branches on your body and still be recognized?

Key Lame attempt at humor quote: "'He really went out on a limb,' police Sgt. Ernie Goodno said Sunday."

What the Hell?

Hell will be strolling the halls of an Australian Catholic school later this year. Actually, his name is Max Hell.

Then again, Max Hell might not be attending the school after his father, Alex Hell, took offense when the school didn't want him. Hell took his problem to the local media, because we all know Hell and the media have been close for centuries, and now the school says Max Hell can attend their school.

(Courtesy of Cat H.)

Don't the Germans want to fight?

Great news, everyone! We did it! We wore down the resolve of one of our biggest traitors. Thomas Doerflein, the trainer of the German polar bear cub Knut, has had enough of doing two shows a day.

No longer will this traitor attempt to lure the masses into sympathy for our enemy. This polar bear must be taken out before he becomes too big of a threat. He's now 110 pounds. Is that really all that cute, Germany?

It's raining Euros

In Germany, something strange was scene in the sky and it was of unknown origin. No, it wasn't an alien craft, it was money falling from the sky.

I don't care who you are, if you're driving down the road and see money falling from the sky, you're having a good day. German police still have no idea where the cash came from or how it became airborne.

The McBournie Minute: Bluetooth

A little while back I got a new cell phone. My contract was nearly up and, oh yeah, my old phone died. The cell phone I got was Bluetooth capable, but wouldn't let me use my old headset that connected by a wire.

So I got a Bluetooth headset. I love it, it's great, but at no point have I felt the need to wear it around in public when I am not even using it. Nor have I wanted to use it in public when both of my hands are free. I use it in the car and that's it.

It just doesn't make any sense to me while people wear them. They look like some sort of beetle trying to crawl out of your eardrum. What's worse is that when you use it in public, you look like you're talking to yourself. So take my advice, Bluetooth owners: do not use the headset unless your hands are otherwise occupied. After you're done with the call, hang up and take it out of your ear.

MasterChugs Theater: 'Transformers' (2007)

Some things to knock out first:

1. Happy birthday Sarah Spruill!
2. If you haven't read my review from last week, then you should know in advance that I'm a total Transformers geek. As such, there is a bit of a bias with this review.
3. I also really like peanut butter.

With that out of the way, let the review for Transformers, the 2007 Bay-centric version, begin! By the way, there will probably be a few spoilers here and there, so heed that as the warning.

Being a child of the 80s I am certainly familiar with the Transformers, primarily through their toy line and the animated cartoon and the 1986 movie. As the promotion for this new live-action/CGI version began to ramp up I quickly began to see the differences in the cartoon I enjoyed as a kid and what Michael Bay had done to turn the "robots in disguise" into a feature film that both kids and adults would enjoy. The only question is whether or not Bay and the script by Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman were successful, and for the most part it was.

Let me put emphasis on "for the most part."

The plot isn't any different from almost any iteration of the different series: on the planet Cybertron, two factions of super robot lifeforms, the heroic Autobots and the evil Decepticons, wage war for planetary supremacy. The Allspark, a device which can create new Transformer life, was launched into space thousands of years ago where it landed on planet Earth. Flash-forward to the present, a teenager named Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) has just gotten his first car, a rusty 1970s Camaro. As he quickly finds out, his car is in reality an Autobot named Bumblebee. Sam and his not-yet-girlfriend Mikaela (Megan Fox) are quickly caught up in the Autobot/Decepticon war which has finally reached Earth. The Decepticons intend not only to regain the Allspark, but to free their leader, Megatron (voiced by Hugo Weaving), from his icy tomb. Standing in their way are the Autobots, lead by Optimus Prime (voiced by Peter Cullen and the original voice of Prime in the G1 series), and the U.S. military, who want all robots gone, regardless of faction.

As far as the movie goes, this is signature Bay film. It's easy to see why he was probably the only dude alive capable of making it. The number of explosions per second in the last 20 minutes of the film easily eclipses the net total of the last five action films released combined--don't quote me please on that figure. The point is that this is the penultimate giant robot smashy-smashy action film of our time. Don't walk, run to see Transformers and bear witness to the next step in evolution and the rightful heir, at last, to the Star Wars legacy when it comes to the area of effects in film. These guys have taken things in an entirely new direction. It's one thing to animate a CGI King Kong for two hours, and quite another to render these two to five-story tall robots transforming from their clandestine cars or fighter jets only to pick up and do battle in and amongst the skyscrapers of down town Los Angeles with hundreds of cars and passersby running around in the thick of things. No one has ever seen anything like this before. And without much time, these Autobots are given real personality that carries and propels the young Sam to an age of heroism where he is willing to risk his life to save them as they have traveled across the galaxy to protect human kind from certain extinction at the hands of Megatron's Decepticons.

The effects companies behind the film, have officially thrown the hammer down, and the results are unbelievable. There was not one moment ... NOT ONE ... in this entire movie where I thought “hey, that’s good CGI”. Everything looks so real, and is done so well, that you just believe it. The personalities of the Autobots are surprisingly similar to their animated counterparts, and they live and breath with a personality that makes them all the more real. I have to say, though, the human element of the film really helps sell the giant robot action. Shia LaBeouf never once seems like he’s talking to a blue dot on a wall. It all works. You can tell by watching this film that you will be watching movies starring Shia for the next 30 years. He’s that good. There is a reason Spielberg is sold on this kid … it’s because the kid has “it.” He has a Tom Hanks level of “it,” and he makes the non robot filled scenes not only tolerable, but pretty damn good.

Now, the bad. The halves of the movie are very distinctly set up: you can tell the influence found from Spielberg (a large fan of the robots and also a producer of the film) in the first half (coming of age story for a boy) versus Bay's influence on the second half (giant robots make explosion! BOOM!). It almost takes away from the film. John Turturros’ character for example (which, for those of you that don’t know was apparently based on Michael Bay) is annoying as all can be. Anthony Anderson continues to grate on my nerves with his very existence. The deaths of three Transformers are almost essentially glossed over. Given that there aren't but a handful of giant stomping robots in the movie, that's slightly inexcusable. However, does it all really matter in the long run, given the source material? No way José.

As of writing this review, I've so far seen the movie three times already. I may possibly go again this weekend. I loved it that much. Megan Fox is scaldingly hot. If you’re looking for a thought provoking, gut wrenching, tear jerker of a film--this is not your movie. Avoid it like the plague. However, if you want to see the most amazing effects in the history of cinema (and I mean that), and giant robots beating the hell out of each other ... this is your film.

Rise of the 'octosquid'

Once again, a new and threatening species has been discovered beneath the waves. This time it appears to be a cross between a squid and an octopus--two of our deadliest enemies--that was found of the coast of the Big Island of Hawaii.

Everyone knows squid will attack and kill people if they can, and we have covered in the past that octopi are far smarter than they appear. The combination of the two could present the ultimate threat to our survival. It's time for some sushi.

Not even safe on land

The invasion of the summer has begun, everyone. Thousands of giant land crabs are marching on south Florida. They have not made their demands clear, so we all must assume their only goal is that of destruction of the human race as a whole.

Fortunately, the crabs have one clear weakness: they need to cross roads. That means, it is time to hop in the car with the widest tires and hit the road. More specifically, hit the crabs on the road.

Not exactly meals on wheels

Hey parents, did you know that even deactivated cell phones can call 911? You should. A 4-year-old girl in Illinois was given an old cell phone to play with by her mother. So she called 911 287 times.

Authorities tried to pinpoint the source of the calls, but in the end, they convinced her that if she told them her address they would bring McDonald's. The bastards found the place, but didn't bring the food.

This blog doesn't mind fighting childhood obesity in this country, we're only a few years away from having to widen our doorways. But promising a 4-year-old McDonald's and then not giving it to her? That's just plan mean.

They can use the carpool lane

Have you ever driven off with a soda on your roof? Were you laughed at? Good. You are stupid, but not as stupid as one man in the Netherlands.

A Dutch couple was shocked when police pulled them over. They were even more surprised when they found out they were pulled over because there was a 26-year-old man on a bicycle sitting on their roof. Shockingly enough, the man was drunk.

Key quote: "The driver and his wife, when stopped by the police, said they heard a noise while waiting at a traffic light, but did not realize they were taking on an extra passenger."

What's the definition of a cool marketing gimmick?

Turning Squishees, Buzz Cola and Krusty O's into real products. Oh yeah, and turning where they're sold at from 7-11's into Kwik-E-Marts. Now, bring on the Duff!

Look closely at yours and you may even find an Indian cashier named Apu.

What's the definition of irony?

When a perpetual motion machine stops running. Free energy? More like a free way to spread communism. Take that hippies!

Rabid like a fox

Once again, we are taking the fight to them in the War on Animals. However, this time the warrior is unexpected: a 5-year-old boy.

The boy, in Kingstown, North Carolina held down a rabid fox during a family cookout and protected his brother and five other children, until his father could kill the beast. This blog is in awe at the actions of this brave young man. While no one is a huge fan of making children soldiers (at least this side of Africa) this blog is proud to call Rayshun McDowell the Warrior of the Week.

From the SeriouslyGuys Vault: July 3, 1863

Friday, July 3, 1863

Divided nation calls for an address

Stop. SeriouslyGuys, your source for news by way of the new "telegraph machine," has just learned that Union forces have defeated General Robert E. Lee at the agricultural hub that is known as Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. Stop.

No longer will Johnny Reb feast on the fat of northern land. Lee obviously wanted to show that his forces were not just whistling "Dixie." If only that phrase would catch on.

This telegraph news service thinks it is time for our beloved president, whom we believe is the best our nation has had since Millard Fillmore, to give us some kind of a speech at the now-hallowed ground. Perhaps it could start off with some flashy way of saying how many years our proud country has existed.

'Til a hostage situation do us part

Women: if your husband held you hostage at gunpoint on a bus for 10 hours, would you file immediately for divorce? Well clearly you are not one Brazilian woman, who looked past her husband's somewhat questionable behavior and went back to him

Key quote: "'I forgave him out of love ... I believe it was an irrational act and that we can resume our life in peace.'"

Dodo is fightless, not fightless

Scientists have unearthed a skeleton of a dodo bird and are looking forward to studying it. However, gloating in our victory over the flightless bird can be taken too far.

Key quote: "'The geneticists who want to get their hands on this will be skipping down the street,' he said, after bringing the last of the remains to the surface."

Skipping or not, we cannot allow these geneticists to get their hands on the skeleton. Undoubtedly they intend to take DNA from the bones. We all know what happens after that--they try cloning the dodo bird and before you know it, we have a real-life hell with shades of Jurassic Park, only without Jeff Goldblum. Holy chaos theory!

The 180 proof is in the survey

Good morning, everyone. While you're finishing your first glass of whiskey, we have some startling news for you, and probably untrue, for that matter. More than 30 percent of Americans say they have had problems with alcohol.

Now, drink your chaser, American. It's time to realize something brutally important: your neighbor is probably one of these people. Go over there and hold an intervention. Better yet, take the guy's booze away from him. That will keep him safe.

Let your Articles of Confederation hang out

Those of you following the Supreme Court rulings lately know that the First Amendment has taken a few hits recently. This can be concerning for Americans who feel they are slowly losing their rights over time as a result of security concerns.

Well get ready for a dose of inspiration, because a judge in Oregon has ruled that lap dances are protected by freedom of speech provisions in the state's constitution. This blog isn't exactly sure how much talking is done during these Oregonian lap dances, and it would probably be kind of annoyed that conversation was being made while it tried to concentrate, but it's good to know there is one place safe for freedom.

The robots are coming, the robots are coming!

Remember Officer Roboto--your cold robot logic means no room for error. Now arrest that jaywalker! Hit him with the taser!

If you couldn't tell from my most recent MasterChugs Theater review, I, for one, personally welcome our future robotic rulers and will do everything in my power to help them wipe out the more ... zealous trouble members of the human race.

Provided I get my totally cool new robot body.

The truth is out there

At least, the truth is out there now that one guy kicked the bucket. Aliens are coming to get us! Get your tin foil hats out for protection! Watch out for using fluoride as it won't get your teeth all the way clean! Beware the plastic ends of shoelaces call aglets--their purpose is sinister!

The McBournie Minute: Coffee

There is a magical drink out there that I only really discovered a year or so ago. It gets you going when you need it, it protects from liver damage and gives you smelly breath. The drink I am speaking of, of course, is coffee.

A few years ago, there was no way I could drink such a foul and odorous beverage. Then I got a job. Suddenly, getting up early in the morning and be expected to be productive at work a short time after was a challenge. Gone were the days of getting up for an early class, then returning to bed afterward.

On Monday mornings, coffee is especially important. It always takes that extra bit to get going. But one has to wonder, are we growing dependent on foreign beans? Are we going to rely on the Columbians for our primary source of fuel? Dunkin' Donuts has already thrown their hat in, declaring "America runs on Dunkin'" so what chance do we really have? It's time we start looking into alternative sources of caffeine.