MasterChugs Theater: 'Transformers: The Movie' (1986)

Straight up front, I won't lie to any of you--this is one of my most difficult reviews to write. Let it be known first of all that I'm a total fan of the Transformers (dork, nerd, and geek cred has now been established). I can easily name any of the characters released as toys in the seven years of "Generation 1." I own complete volumes of all of the shows on DVD. I can identify episode synopses, continuity errors, and animation gaffs within seconds. That's why it's a little hard to say this: this movie isn't that great. It's not horrible, but it's certainly not "Citizen Kane."

Set in 2005 (a considerable way into the future at the time), the original Transformers: The Movie plunges headfirst into the age-old civil war raging between the goody-goody Autobots and the nasty-pieces-of-work that are the Decepticons. Unicron (voiced by both Orson Welles and Leonard Nimoy due to Welles passing away during production), a giant Rik Waller of a robot who scoffs entire planets where the rest of us would settle for a kebab, is treating the galaxy like a giant all-you-can-eat buffet. The only thing that'll stop him in his glutinous tracks is the Autobot Matrix of Leadership--but can the Autobots use it to fill their requisite quota of good before Galvatron, a Nimoy-voiced Decepticon leader, fulfills a few plans of his own?

Of course they can, but not without traumatizing zillions of youngsters in the 80s. Gigantic spoiler alert: Optimus Prime, the big red and blue truck that pledged freedom for all people (but has no problem falling into a trap where he's then disassembled into a red and blue robotic alligator that attacks his own soldiers), is killed in battle with his nemesis Megatron (the guy that turned into a gun and thus spurred the urban legend that a cop killed a kid because of his toy) early on in the movie. If you were a male between the ages of 3 and 11 when you saw this movie in the theater and didn't cry when this scene happened, I'd like to congratulate you on your title of New Hitler. That's also what set this movie apart from the show: it was definitely a big budget movie. With voice talent like Nimoy, Welles, Judd Nelson, Robert Stack and Eric Idle, cleaner animation than the show, excised curse words at times, and the deaths of multiple robots, this was set to clean out at the theaters. Story wise ... not so much; however, it's what's to be expected from a series about giant robots stomping around that's used to sell toys to children.

Transformers: The Movie is, at its core, a glorified toy commercial. If you were, or still are into Transformers, then you must have seen this film already. Therefore you don’t need me to tell you to see it again because you probably own a copy and have probably already seen it 10,000 times. If you like anime films and haven’t seen this one, I do suggest you check it out. Even for non-Transformers junkies, this is should be a fun ride. But I think the people that grew up with Transformers will get the biggest kick out of this. This one was made for the fans (so we could buy more toys ... but who cares) and only the fans will be able to appreciate it to its fullest. Still, that's not a bad thing, as long they take showers regularly. For the casual fans, just go into it with some friends, make fun of stuff, and just revisit nostalgia.

While you're also checking out movies about giant robots blowing things up, check out Michael Bay's Transformers opening in theaters on Tuesday, July 3 (though there are reports of it opening in select areas the night of Monday, July 2). Like it's animated predecessor, don't go into the movie expecting some cinematic beauty, but just a really awesome action movie, and you can't really go wrong. It's got this Transfan's early on seal of approval. And yes, I can totally answer your nerdy questions, obviously.

How To: Sound smart intelligent

We all want to be smarter than our peers, whether at work, at the bar or on your choice of Internet forums. It's a need we must fill since we can no longer feign offense and duel whenever threatened (stupid anti-killing laws and their activist judges). But if you can't actually be more intelligent, The Guys have cooked up this definitive guide to sounding more intelligent.

Tools:
Any Radiohead CD, or downloaded music since *scoff* nobody buys CDs anymore
Glasses
A handy thesaurus
Vegan lifestyle
A second job to afford more expensive beer
Awareness of the UK

1) Listen to Radiohead. Everyone knows geniuses listen to Radiohead. Bring it up in conversation as much as possible because geniuses require street cred and Nickelback won't cut the mustard.

2) Wear glasses. Whether they are smart and sassy lightweight frames or thick Rivers Cuomo birth control devices, you will instantly appear smarter. If you are trying to appear smarter online, make your avatar a picture of you in your spectacles. To accentuate the point, use ::actions:: to stress your bespectacled nature.

Example:
::cleans glasses to make sure he read that right:: you actually think canada's health system works? have you even seen "kids in the hall?"

3) Adopt a vegan lifestyle. Nothing sets you apart from all of your contemporary dullards like moral superiority. Whenever you discover an animal abuse case, bring it to everyone's attention and mention your lifestyle. Animal abuses include: clubbing mammals, wearing fur, eating meat, selling cats in jars and casually mentioning or joking about any of the following.

4) Always use the bigger word. Every so often, you will accidentally use a smaller, simpler word to make your point. So long as you haven't hit the "submit" button, you still have a chance. Consult your thesaurus and look for the bigger--and, therefore, better--word. A handy rule of thumb is to opt for vowels ending in "-ize." Instead of "use", say "utilize." And why say "changed" when your mailing address could have "evolved?"

5) Never admit you watch television. Television is what the ordinary masses watch, not geniuses. Like your admiration for Radiohead, bring up your non-television viewing habits as much as possible.

Addendum: It is acceptable to say you watch television if it is to only watch PBS, Discovery, the History Channel, C-SPAN Books or foreign language channels. The news is still unacceptable because geniuses read The New York Times or The Wall Street Journal for current events.

6) Become a beer snob. This is a must. The bourgeoisie and proletariats drink Bud Light, so you must change your drinking habits to reflect an assumed worldliness. Unfortunately, tastes require a gradual cultivation. Start with Guinness, although it may be difficult to stomach without Jameson's and Bailey's. Then find a independently owned beer and wine shop, and purchase micro brew sample packs (notice I said "purchase" and not "buy"). Whether you adopt dark, hop-heavy or even Miller High Life clones that cost more, always point out the unrecognizable label and advise others where to find it. That's how they know that you're even a smarter drinker.

7) No matter the situation, offer advice. And when you do so, consider "offer" to be a euphemism. You've been everywhere and observed everything, so there is nothing under the sun that you can't advise on. If someone complains of a headache, ask where it hurts, indicating what part of the brain is effected and what might cause that. When someone is going to buy a house, explain interest rates and the current status of the market to them. Advise military officers as to why their strategies are failing and what to do instead. Even if you are a male, you will explain your girlfriend's reproductive organs to her.

8) Try to sound as British as possible. When you make a joke, do it in the accent, especially if it's one of your killer puns. Also, use popular British English modifiers, such as "quite" and "rather," instead of "very" or "much." When writing, use British spellings as much as possible: "colour." If possible, use their pronunciations for aluminium, or spell them out phonetically. You get bonus genius points if you use the character map to bullet point the syllables in your phonetic spelling.

Now, go forth and be smug, you genius you. You may not have earned it, but you'll convince others that you have.

Don't they eat bunnies over there?

This blog likes only one kind of bunny: the Playboy bunny. If not for obvious reasons than because they are not animals and therefore not our enemies. It was announced recently that Playboy is going to build a new mansion in Macao, China.

So for those of you headed to the decadent Macao, which some call the new gambling capital of the world, put on your smoking jacket and head over there. This blog feels it can lend a hand to the fledgling publication "Playboy," and this High Hefner kid sounds like a good guy.

(Courtesy Chris B.)

French honor another annoying American performer

Barbara Streisand received an honorary Legion of Honor medal today, proving that the French are certainly on top of things when it comes to art. She was also declared what the French love about America, also proving once again why we can't get along.

We're still waiting to hear when Miami Vice ("best new show on television") will be recognized by the French government.

Fun, but obvious, fact: Recent honorees include Jerry Lewis, Valentino and Norman Mailer.

Cute and deadly

Cats are very durable. Some might even say they have nine lives. Recently, a mechanic outside of Chicago was about to work on a woman's van when he lifted the hood and found a kitten. He named the kitten "Lucky."

Key quote: "He said he plans to take the kitten home, where he hopes she'll get along with his four Rottweilers."

This is exactly what they want. They want us to take them home and befriend them when they are cute and cuddly, but when they grow up, they will be fierce and deadly and in this case, friends with a bunch of dogs who would like to eat you.

It's that time of the year

The temperature is up.

Cars are stopping.

Manatees are in heat.

It's mating season ... and it's another one of nature's tools being used against we humans in the War on Animals. How dare they try to impede the flow of traffic!

It's new the holiday sensation

We all like holidays. They give us time off and a chance to recuperate. Sometimes we even get stuff during them, even if the presents are lame (seriously, argyle socks?). There are even a fair amount of people out there like to celebrate a fictitious holiday called "Christmas in July."

Screw that noise.

In honor of a recent archaeological discovery, I'm declaring this month to be "Easter at the end of June." Why? Five words and a number: 3,000-year-old rotten easter eggs.

Kill an eagle for liberty

Ladies and gentlemen: we have failed.

However, it's not too late. Eagles are most vulnerable to attack when young, preferably at the incubation phase with chemical weapons.

Eagles are trained from the earliest age to hate humans, eat all of our fish and wipe an entire race off of the earth. We can ill afford to appease these creatures any longer.

Tracking down the monster

Once again, we humans have to take the battle to the animals, before they follow us back here. No better example of this can be found than a planned expedition to find Bigfoot in Michigan.

The expedition says they are just going out to "find evidence" of Bigfoot's existence, but we all know what that really means: IT'S HUNTING TIME! This blog applauds the expedition, those brave enough to track and take on the unknown are among the bravest in the long war in which we find ourselves engaged.

Time to sign the muster and join up, everyone!

Put down the holy water and back away slowly

A priest was arrested by Portuguese police--caught in the act with his hands on a child. But it wasn't for the offense you're thinking of, you pervert.

In Lisbon, a 34-year-old man was on arrested suspicion of impersonating a priest. They take their baptisms very seriously over there. So much so that people actually feel the urge to impersonate priests.

Key quote: "'When the man said "in the name of the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit" police came in and grabbed him,' a member of the church was quoted by local daily Jornal de Noticias as saying."

Take it from Snee: Protest effectively or kindly go home

Environmental protestors struck a blow for clean air by asking others to drive their cars on "Honk If You Hate Smog Day."
Internet radio stations struck a heavy blow to the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) by broadcasting dead "air" (dead bandwidth, really). The stations are protesting a royalties hike that could effectively drive most Web stations out of business.

In other words, they gave the RIAA a preview of exactly what they want: Internet radio should either pay up or go away--not mad, just away.

This reminds me of a similar protest in the 1970s when women across the nation refused to collect paychecks to protest their income disparity with male coworkers. Instead, they stayed home and baked pies ... scorn pies.

In the 1960s, African-Americans also drank from "blacks only" water fountains for a day to protest Jim Crow laws. That same decade also witnessed National Armed Forces Enlistment Day when all of the hippies signed up for infantry duty in Vietnam.

Long before that, teetotalers gave out free whiskey for a day in the 1920s, encouraging Irish and German immigrants to vote for candidates supporting Prohibition. They followed up with a similar event in the 1930s to prevent the repeal of the 18th Amendment.

Even Martin Luther used the same tactic when he encouraged Protestants everywhere to hold masses in Latin a day after posting his infamous theses.

So, of course, National Day of Silence is a good idea. Although, they ripped the name off from gay and lesbian equal rights organizations.

If the jail house is rockin', don't come a-knockin'

What's the weirdest part of this story? That male and female inmates are housed side-by-side, that they were able cut a hole in their cell walls so they could "join" each other, or that prisoners apparently have unlimited access to pancake batter? That last bit doesn't make it as kinky as it should be, either, but nonetheless, I'm going with it as the weirdest part for one reason: I'm a man that loves his pancakes.

Why do men speed?

Cuz people hate wasting time driving.

Because fast cars are awesome.

Because they have a small penis. BWAH?

SG would just like to say that we don't exactly agree with this advertising campaign--I mean, it's not like we drive Corvettes.

Oh my god, they're back again

Sorry to make the first post of the day such a downer, this is quite possibly the worst news fathomable: The Backstreet Boys have reformed. Worse yet, they plan to release a new album out this fall.

Key quote: "The Boy’s [sic] last song Never Gone reached number three in the U.S. album charts in 2005."

Really? They had a hit song in 2005? Where were The Guys when that happened? Wait, don't answer that. This blog does not mind a bit that we missed that pearl.

A new kind of chum

While most people think they have bad days when they miss a train or don't get the promotion they hoped for, it does get worse. This is a lesson one man in Washington state learned the very, very hard way.

He was fishing in a river when his boat hit a downed tree. His fingers got caught and the boat started to sink. In a brazen move to stay alive, the fisherman cut off the tips of two of his fingers with a pocket knife to avoid death.

Then help arrived a few minutes later.

Kidz Korner: Guns and problem-solving

Hey, kids! We're sure you've had this argument before:

Billy: I'm older!
Jimmy: No, I'm older!
Billy: I'm older because I'm 8 and you're 7.
Jimmy: Well ... I'll be 8 on my birthday!
Billy: I'll already be 8, and then I'll be 9 on my birthday, dummyhead.

Doesn't it hurt when you're called a dummyhead? Don't you wish you could show Billy who's the dummyhead, make all the pain go away and be older than him on your next birthday?

Your wish has been granted, thanks to guns!

Now your parents and teachers may say guns are dangerous, but who are they kidding? Adults have settled disputes with guns since the days of the early Egyptians! (Bryan, can you check the date on the first working gun?)

Why, if it weren't for guns, you'd be speaking English right now because we never would have killed the king in 1776! Extreme, right?!

So how can guns be dangerous when they solve all of your problems? Of course they can't. Fortunately, now you know better.

The perfect shark

Sharks are obviously a big threat to us in the War on Animals. They lurk beneath the waves, they attack beachgoers at random more off America's shores than anywhere else and they have their own theme music.

But now it seems they are crossbreeding, possibly to form the perfect killing machine. A dead pregnant blacktip reef shark at the Virginia Aquarium was found to have an unusual looking unborn offspring. Veterinarians believe its father was not a blacktip reef shark.

We should all be thankful the shark was not born. Who knows what could have resulted from the unholy union?

Key quote: "'We must have had hanky panky' in the shark tank, he thought."

Cleavage guys don't like

Teenage boys are among the biggest fans of breasts, except, as it turns out, when those breasts are on their own chests. Apparently last year, 14,000 boys between the ages of 13 and 19 underwent breast reduction surgery.

That's roughly 70 percent of everyone who had the operation. What does this mean for our teens? It means boys are finding they are not getting the manly pectoral muscles they expect at the tail end of puberty. Instead, they are getting some budding boobs.

Take it from SG, boys. While no guy likes having their own breasts, getting man boobs means you really are a man, so start shaving your legs and drinking appletinis.

SG Special Report: Missing wifebeater found by Huntsville PD

SeriouslyGuys was live at the scene in Huntsville, Alabama when a man wanted for domestic violence was on the loose. City of Huntsville police found the missing wifebeater, a common occurence in Alabama, but there are no reports on the man's missing shoes.

Expect further details regarding the man's tooth count and NASCAR preferences as more information is released.

This blog can now confirm that everything you've heard about Alabama is true.

Another great warrior

Folks, last week we told you about a Florida man who killed a rabid bobcat with his bare hands. We told you to learn from his example and take the fight to the enemy. Well it seems you listened.

A man in Georgia defended his sons when a black bear conducted a raid on their campsite. When the man's six-year-old son threw a shovel at the bear (great job, young warrior!), it came charging at him, leaving the man, Chris Everhart to fight back. The ex-Marine grabbed a piece of firewood at the bear and hit him in the head. Killing it with a single shot.

Once again, we all need to take a page from these brave men's playbooks. The fight could come at any time, so be ready.

Cut it out

How many times does a barber have to stab someone with scissors before losing their license? Surprisingly, more than once.

Key quote: "The barber stabbed another client with scissors in 2000. The man later died of his wounds, although the barber was cleared of any charges after a court found he had acted in self-defense." [emphasis ours]

The McBournie Minute: Search engines

I've definitely written about commercials in the past. I think they are indicative of what Americans will fall for and what ad people think Americans will fall for. Today's topic is the new ads from Ask.com (no, we will not link to them out of spite).

We get that you've got some new algorithm, but musical commercials are a little over the top. Those are not the worst part, either. The first commercial is a guy singing about what he found online, the back-up singers are all women, some of them dressed in medieval garb, others dressed like pirates, gothic, etc. All of them are armed. At the end of the commercial, we find he searched for "chicks with swords." Seriously.

The second one is a woman. The commercial runs along the same lines as the other one--singing, dancing, images in the background. We see her sing about finding things, and male back-up dancers, who are wearing what looks to be long-haired masks that look to be from the Halloween movies. In the background we see images of Kato Kaelin. At the end, the dancers bring Kaelin himself on stage, hoisting him above their heads in a chair. She was searching for him.

There is really only one conclusion you can draw from this: white people have strange fetishes and no one helps them find their fetishes better than Ask.com.

MasterChugs Theater: 'Duck Soup'

A quick warning to all: Duck Soup is the funniest movie ever made. There. I said it. Now, onto the rest of the review.

If the Marx Brothers are considered to form their own sub-genre of comedy, then Duck Soup is the absolute definition of their art. So often in Hollywood, quirky, offbeat performers eventually earn so much money with low-budget projects that the studios offer them enormous budgets to make even bigger pictures. The standard logic suggests that, if they made this much money with a budget of this size, imagine how much they could rake in if we give them a budget that's twice as big. This mentality usually leads to bloated, self- indulgent flops. Hollywood's bankbook is littered with the red ink covered titles, like The Blues Brothers, Big Top Pee-Wee and 1941. Bigger isn't always better ... except in some cases. The Marx Brothers were quintessential absurdists, turning the conventions of social protocol on ear by paying them no heed and following their madcap ideas into the realm of the insane. Half of their humor comes not from their already hilarious antics, but from the fact that seemingly sane people ludicrously continue to take them seriously, expecting normal behavior from them. When the Marx's repeatedly deflate their unearned dignity within the conventions of polite society, we cheer them on and laugh at the embalmed representatives of proper behavior who never quite figure out that it is them, and not the Marx's, who are out of step with reasonable conduct.

Minister of Finance: "Something must be done! War would mean a prohibitive increase in our taxes."
Chico: "Hey, I got an uncle lives in Taxes."
Minister of Finance: "No, I'm talking about taxes--money, dollars."
Chico: "Dollars! There's-a where my uncle lives! Dollars, Taxes!"

The movie opens like many of the musical comedies made in the very early 30s. It is not unlike Lubitsch's quaint and hugely successful The Smiling Lieutenant (1931). In Duck Soup, Mrs. Teasdale (Margaret Dumont) will only fund the ailing economy if Rufus T. Firefly (Groucho), "a progressive, fearless fighter," is installed as the leader of Freedonia. The duplicitous ambassador of Sylvania has other plans. He intends to marry Mrs. Teasdale and rule Freedonia himself. At a reception to welcome Firefly, the guard of honor enters followed by a troupe of ballerinas who scatter flowers in preparation for the arrival of the new leader. The camera swoops upward, the satire intrinsic to musical comedy is forced to its extreme.

Six minutes into this 68-minute film the illusion of pomp and grandeur is sabotaged when Firefly (Groucho) appears, not via the expected grand entrance but down a fireman's pole, behind the action. The humor begins and from then, until the end, the film virtually operates as two discreet entities. The Marx Brothers appear in a separate film to the straight characters, that is, the performers who are not comedians and who never get the joke. Nevertheless, Edgar Kennedy, the veteran silent film comedian featured in many Charlie Chaplin and Laurel and Hardy shorts, appears in three sequences and is definitely 'in' on the joke. His reaction to the Marx Brothers' behavior is in stark contrast to that displayed by the other characters within the film. Kennedy is the only character who is allowed to inflict physical discomfort upon any of the brothers. In the first of his three scenes, the synchronicity between Kennedy, Chico and Harpo as they exchange hats and leg shakes is remarkable. Kennedy's frustration grows as he suffers increasing indignities at the hands of the two brothers, eventually he responds by squirting water down Harpo's pants. Harpo reacts with disbelief and then slinks away, beaten, for the moment anyway.

Firefly: "Not that I care, but where is your husband?"
Mrs. Teasdale: "Why, he's dead."
Firefly: "I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse."
Mrs. Teasdale: "I was with him to the very end."
Firefly: "Hmmph. No wonder he passed away."
Mrs. Teasdale: "I held him in my arms and kissed him."
Firefly: "Oh, I see. Then, it was murder. Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first."
Mrs. Teasdale: "He left me his entire fortune."
Firefly: "Is that so? Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you? I love you."
Mrs. Teasdale: "Oh, your Excellency!"
Firefly: "You're not so bad yourself."

The film was directed by Leo McCarey, who was undoubtedly the sprightliest of all the Marx Brothers directors; they were often saddled with studio regulars like Sam Wood and Norman Z. McLeod. McCarey had directed dozens of silent comic two-reelers and knew how to keep the action moving at lightning pace, knew when to disregard plot for comedy and--above all--knew how to let the brothers loose without completely losing control of them. Rapid-fire delivery by the brothers, as evidenced in this review, helps to move the movie going from one gag to another. This is classic comedy at it's best.

Mrs. Teasdale: "Oh, I want to present to you Ambassador Trentino of Sylvania. Having him with us today is indeed a great pleasure."
Trentino: "Thank you, but I can't stay very long."
Firefly: "That's even a greater pleasure. Now, how about lending this country $20,000,000 dollars, you old skinflint."
Trentino: "$20,000,000 dollars is a lot of money. I'd have to take that up with my Minister of Finance."
Firefly: "Well, in the meantime, could you let me have $12 dollars until payday?
Trentino: $12 dollars?"
Firefly: "Don't be scared. You'll get it back. I'll give you my personal note for 90 days. If it isn't paid by then, you can keep the note."
Trentino: "Your Excellency? Haven't we seen each other somewhere before?"
Firefly: "I don't think so. I'm not sure I'm seeing you now. It must be something I ate."
Trentino (insulted): "Look here Sir, are you trying to ... ?"
Firefly: "Don't look now, but there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you."

Dated as Duck Soup inevitably is in some respects, it has moments that seem startlingly modern, as when Groucho calls for help during the closing battle sequence, and the response is stock footage edited together out of newsreel shots of fire engines, elephants, motorcycles, you name it. There is an odd moment when Harpo shows Groucho a dog house tattooed on his stomach, and in a special effect a real dog emerges and barks at him. The brothers broke the classical structure of movie comedy and glued it back again haphazardly, and nothing was ever the same. This is quite possibly my favorite movie of all time.

Fun fact: Why the title? The critic Tim Dirks explains: "It is claimed that Groucho provided the following recipe: 'Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you'll duck soup the rest of your life.'"

Attention, peoples of Earth:

Not everything is about you.

Out of concern for other terms possibly denigrating others, this blog suggests the following nomenclature changes:

1) The "Yellow-Bellied Sapsucker" must now be called the "Goldenrod-Bellied Sap Consumer." We're sorry nobody addressed this sooner, Asians and homosexuals.

2) "Black boxes" on airliners must now be called "dark, fireproof recording device enclosures." This will alleviate the feelings of African-Americans and women.

3) Communists will resume being called "Commies," but not "Reds" or "Pinkos." It was insentive to imply Native Americans, homosexuals and Grease characters embrace the ideology of Marxism and/or Leninism.

4) "Earl Grey tea" will now be called "Earl Ashen tea" out of respect to visiting extraterrestrials who might be insulted that we consume a beverage obviously named after them.

Fighting fire higher

The country's firefighters face danger at a moment's notice, that's why they're called the bravest. But in Edinburg, Texas, some firefighters were exposed to unspeakable danger while battling one blaze.

They fought fire at a warehouse, which they found out later stored marijuana. Let's just say the firefighters were really hungry after they put the fire out. Strange as it may sound, they did this on "Rescue Me" last season.

Stew time at the airport

This blog knows it has heavily covered War on Animals this week. We blame it on their summer campaign. Everyone knows animals are more active during the summer.

Their latest attack was closing down an airport in Milan for a few hours on Sunday. Hares have been blocking planes landing and taking off by running around the airport, including the runways. So airport workers mounted a "daylight raid" against them.

Key quote: "Wild hares at Milan's Linate airport seem to have only one thing on their mind, and their excessive mating and growing numbers have blocked takeoffs, landings and radar systems."

You see? It's the only thing they have on their minds. They just keep breeding so they will have more drones to wreak havoc on the airport.

How To: Survive karaoke

It happens to even the most seasoned of bar flies. When you first walked into the bar, everyone was making fun of the people who were dumb enough to be up there singing karaoke. Now a few drinks in, that fat guy up there really sounds like Aretha Franklin, and aside from the goatee, is starting to look like her. Before you know it, your name is called to go up, even though you never signed up. Here's how to survive karaoke without committing hara-kiri.

Tools:
Vocal chords
Microphone
Cash
Cellular phone
Beverage

1) Bring a bunch of people up with you. This is always your best bet. As your friends shove you to the stage, latch on to as many people as you can. You might as well make them sing with you, after all, it was those bastards who signed you up for it as a lark in the first place. When you have a group, there are more voices to drown your own out, more so, there are rarely more than two microphones available, so you can opt not to sing into one as your friends croon. Let's just hope this is the farewell tour and not the reunion.

2) Come up with a good excuse. What's that guys? I'm next up for karaoke? But I was just about to get up and order us a round of shots. Why don't one of you cover for me? That's how you do it. Think of a good enough reason to be somewhere else at that moment. The more likely it is to benefit your friends, the more forgiving they will be and let you out of your much-anticipated acoustic show. Faking an important cell phone call is another classic. It not only is easy to pull off and saves you from explaining until you get back, but it gets you out of that loud barroom for as long as you please.

3) Improvise like it's your job. Alright, you suck at singing, or at least you know you're not good enough to be performing in front of a live audience, so it's time to get the crowd going. This is a trait of all the best lead singers in history. During a concert, does the lead singer come out, sing the song as he stares at a television screen, looking like he wants to soil himself? No. Only Mick Jagger does that, and it's not from nerves. While the intro is playing, get the crowd pumped--scream into the mic, only coherent at times. Tell everyone to hold their drinks up and take a swig with you. If you get them on your side early, there's a better chance they won't be throwing rotten tomatoes at you later, or at least they will throw fresh ones.

4) Sing "Low Rider." It's a pretty easy song originally performed by War. There are only a few notes, no complicated rhythms, repetitive lyrics and long jam sessions. Even if you have had pieces of your brain removed for scientific experimentation you can easily handle this song. What's that? The karaoke DJ has another song all queued up? Tough cookies, bub. The people want to hear "Low Rider," and by all that is inebriated, that's what the people are going to get!

So there you have it. Commit these tips to memory, because you would look kind of pathetic if you printed this out and brought it out with you. Go out and show them you can duck their lame attempts at pranks, and don't hang around for an encore.

Warrior of the Week

Whether we like it or not, every single one of us is a soldier, or at least treated as such, in the War on Animals. Why? Because our enemy treats us all the same. This week we honor one warrior whose valor stands as an example to the rest of us.

Dale Rippy, 62, a Vietnam veteran who served his country well, was attacked outside his home in Florida by a bobcat earlier this week. Normally, the story does not end well, but this one has a twist. The bobcat came after Rippy, so he fought back and strangled the bobcat, which tests later showed, was rabid.

This vet went from killing Charlie to killing cheetahs. So today SG salutes Rippy for his courage and quick thinking. Remember folks, this war has no front line, you could be found in the middle of a battle at any time.

Intarwub n00ws

Searching for porn is no longer a ticket to a computer infected with malware. Searching for unicorns or pictures of cats climbing up drapes? You're on your own, buddy.

Also, question time: why would China possibly want to censor Flickr? Oh, right ... that whole Tienanmen Square thing. I guess that was more question AND answer time instead.

Looking for the newest it place to visit?

Come on over to Latvia! If you make it there this weekend, you'll even be able to participate in their nude fun run, held in honor of the summer solstice. While it maybe all ages (ew), there is one good part:

"Police will be on hand in case 'puritans' show up in protest, and the hardy runners will be rewarded with beer."

Survival of the fittest has never been so quenching.

SAND!

Ever notice that once someone has a personal tragedy, they make it their mission to bug everyone else about it?

The latest threat to beachgoers, just in time for summer solstice, is sand.

Well, to elaborate, sandy holes. (Despite the implication, SFW.)

Key quote: "Since 1985, at least 20 children and young adults in the United States have died in beach or backyard sand submersions."

For you non-math majors out there, that's almost one kid (about 91 percent of one) a year for the past 22 years. I think we've got ourselves a epidemic--nay! pandemic--here, folks!

Politician of the Day

And no, it isn't Bloomberg.

We've got something to tell you:

We're here to help.

-Daniel Peter Blair, for continuing to do the act that got you stabbed after being stabbed, you should know that you have a problem.

-Women of the world, continuously objectifying we honest and wholesome men with your scandalous looks after we men get blamed for this very problem, know that you all have a problem.

-Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Malcolm Mackey, for the very same reason that you cannot ask a rainbow to stop being colorful, for ordering that a strip club cannot offer dancing sans clothing, you have a problem.

-Joseph T. Parrott, you have a problem with money. You don't want to part with it when you're legally obligated to do so. Deal with it. And your problem.

-The Traffic Department of CW11 Morning News, you have no problem at all, despite what some may say.

Take it from Snee: Radiation is radical!

Summertime is what movie studios refer to as blockbuster season. That is, when they’re not preoccupied with consuming the blood of virgins on stacks of $10,000 bills. The staple for the summer blockbuster has been superhero flicks. Courageous men and women in tights--the most courageous of outerwear--fight crime and insane Ph.D’s (most likely from universities) while preserving truth, justice and the American way.

When we think of superheroes, superpowers and origins come immediately to mind. In almost every superhero's case, their super powers come from radiation: The Hulk, Spider-man, Daredevil, the Fantastic Four … the list goes on and on.

Even Superman can credit his superpowers to cancer. Consider this: he is powered by UV rays--much like malignant melanoma--and his superpowers diminish from exposure to the radiation from pieces of his home planet, Krypton. In the medical world, that's called aggressive treatment. Still doubt it? Most of his radiation treatments are administered by Lex Luthor, a rival of any doctor, even House.

Finally, consider the real-life example of Lance Armstrong. As soon as he got cancer, he started winning simultaneous Tour de France races.

But do the liberal media celebrate their cancer and encourage the rest of us to follow in their footsteps? Emphatically no. They don’t want people to fight for the American way, so they use smear tactics and fear-mongering to keep us away from radiation.

The latest yellow journalism is trying to implicate cell phone radiation as the cause of bee and bird disappearances. The media doesn’t agree with the War on Animals; they wish it would go away so they can get back to their Paris Hilton coverage. Of course they’ll accuse radiation of killing animals. All this really proves is that radiation is--in itself--a superpower, and we need more of it to “disappear” the lions, tigers and bears (oh my!).

They’ve gone further by saying it can kill humans with their latest report on a woman who wears a metal net to save her brain from electromagnetic radiation. This media darling, who we’re calling the Cindy Sheehan of radiation, is supposed to be a sympathetic role model. But would the media say the same if her magic hat was made from tin foil?

Our government, however, has listened to Hollywood, and they have the right idea. Unfortunately, they’ve been giving radiation away for free to other countries since 1945. Write your congressman and ask for--nay, demand--more domestic radiation immediately!

Are you lonesome tonight?

Ugandan police claim that 90% of 911 emergency calls are just lonely women looking for sex love. I don't know about you, but I'm starting to think that about 100% of Ugandan police officers must think pretty highly of themselves. Clearly they need an "Interactive Ugandan" over there.

Chatting with baby dolphins

Once again, traitors to their species are helping dolphins. These human-hating hippies have taken it even farther this time. A deaf dolphin and her calf were stranded and then rescued. Now at a rehabilitation center (next up, Keith Richards), scientists are hoping the calf will learn to vocalize through a chat line they installed in the pool.

Folks, I saw one of these beasts over the weekend, it was only ten feet away from me while I was in the water. Headed to shore to grab my harpoon, but the dolphin was long gone by then. We can't coddle the enemy. Deaf animals are the best because they can't hear you coming. If they don't fear us, who will?

Worse than accidentally voting for Pat Buchanan

Think voter apathy isn't ruining this country? Think again.

Voting: it's not a right, but an oblibation.

What we really, really don't want

Listen everyone, this blog doesn't know what the world has been doing so flagrantly wrong lately, but it's time to be on your best behavior. We do not deserve the punishment of a Spice Girls reunion.

That's right, the Spice Girls, who have not been hot in roughly five years (if ever, in some cases) are talking about getting back together and going on tour. This blog believes life in general is spicy enough, thank you very much.

The healing power of the body

Getting naked and hugging trees is a swell idea for an environmental protest, but watch out for the bark. That stuff itches! Just in case though, make sure that the tree being saved will not be turned into semi-comfortable chairs that you'll sit in around the tree in protest.

Also, what better way to heal a headache than nude dancing? A female bomoh (or shaman) in Malaysia is causing a bit of a stir with her unusual "healing methods." As long as she's raising anything but the dead, this blog has no problem with this witch doctor.

Do it for the kids

Former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney does not approve a book that is required reading for the kids of his state. Given that he's actually made a fortune selling hardcore pornography to bored business travelers, would he prefer that the children read the script to Maximum Ram instead? Is there really any surprise that he's not a governor anymore?

Still, don't be let down by feelings of altruism no longer being given to the children. You wanna know who is doing it all for the kids? Adult entertainers. Now that's classy. The girls from a Utah escort service were actually thinking about the children when they threw a bikini car wash over the weekend. I don't even really need to mention that being wet and soapy is a good cause all by itself ... but I will. Because I just did.

Snakes on a Plate

Philadelphia is quickly gaining a reputation for fine dining. More than that, they are more than just talented chefs, they are innovators. Nowhere is that more evident than when a man found a snake head on his dinner plate in the green beans.

According to the story, the man made the dinner himself, along with chicken and noodles. After he cooked the canned noodles he didn't notice the snake head until it was on his plate.

Intelligent quote: "'When I sat down, I noticed something didn't look right,' Hartman told WCAU-TV. "It didn't look like a green bean.'"

You have the right to bare those guns

Frankly, there's probably no way for any of us to note this story without sounding like a chauvinist pig ... so I'll just say that women should exercise their rights more often.

The McBournie Minute: Flying

Attention, everyone in the concourse, The McBournie Minute has been delayed due to maintenance issues. We regret the inconvenience.

It's late today because of an adventure I was on recently, brought to you by airlines. That's why today I'm saluting the airline industry. I know it's cliche to make fun of airlines at this point, but this is more than that. This is a tale of unspeakable horror.

This weekend I was in Savannah, Georgia. Why? None of your beeswax, buddy. The flight down had some issues and I missed a connecting flight, so I figured the ride back would be clear. I was pretty sure this was true for a few moments after my first flight landed in Charlotte, North Carolina, where I was to transfer and fly to Washington-Dulles. Then I looked at the departures list and saw my flight was canceled for no reason.

I was treated to about an hour waiting in the customer service line and a frantic call to the customer service hotline. I won't identify the airline, but let's just say it claims the airways over America as its home. I got a standby on the last flight to Dulles that night, but didn't get on. So I was treated to a hotel room.

A shuttle picked myself and others stranded like me and took us to the hotel with the forboding name of Microtel. During the ride, a hippy-dippy couple in their mid-30s mentioned they had been held up because of Customs. It turned out they had some marijuana in one of their bags and was holding them in North Carolina until they would be charged. And one other thing: they were coming back from their honeymoon. Oh, those crazy lovebirds!

Microtel lived up to its name. I had a spacious 10-foot by 10-foot room, complete with a running toilet, conveniently located right next to the lobby. It was a long night.

I caught the first flight back the next morning, unfortunately my luggage didn't. It decided to come in in the early afternoon. Which left me just enough time to get back to my car and hit the afternoon D.C. traffic. It's been quite a trip back.

There's a virus going around high schools ... and you don't want it

In more school related news, teenage vandals have become smarter. Or maybe people have gotten stupider. Why, back in our day, The Guys would have never broken into our high school and put porn on our teacher's computers. And before it's said, yes, computers had been invented by the time we were in high school. The internet is another thing though. Also, we probably would have just put porn on the teacher's desk ... y'know, and gotten him or her fired instead.

W.W.M.B.D?

What would Marion Barry do in a situation like this? Oh, I think we know what he would do.

A woman says she was hired by "political enemies" to seduce the mayor of Jackson, Tennessee, and get it all on film. Who says local politics isn't exciting? Well, at least the Mayor's a looker.

Somebody needs a hug

How do you know when adults are out-of-touch?

"You get into shades of gray," [Kilmer Middle School Principal Deborah] Hernandez said. "The kids say, 'If he can high-five, then I can do this.'"

We're guessing that "this" can mean anything from hug to shiv.

Even the reporter, Maria Glod, has no clue as evidenced by the following excerpts:

Some students -- and these are friends -- play "bloody knuckles," which involves slamming their knuckles together as hard as they can.

Students won't get busted if they high-five in class after answering a difficult math problem.

We'll keep it up as long as they do

Every time this happens, porno gains a smidge more credibility. In this case, the student was her 13-year-old daughter's middle school boyfriend.

At this point, there are so many of these stories that we wonder if they're real or the newsroom equivalent of The Aristocrats.

Anglican Church will not support War on Aliens

Once the War on Animals is over, we can focus on the next threat to humanity: aliens. And we don't mean the ones that are stealing our jobs over at HombresSeriamentes.com.

However, don't look for support from the Church of England. They're already protesting an early simulator that will train our youth into future Earth Warriors.

All we're saying is don't come asking for our nasty old guns to save your church when ET starts eating parishioners.

MasterChugs Theater: 'Hot Fuzz'

The twisted minds behind the 2004 zombie comedy Shaun of the Dead take on the world of Hollywood action movies with Hot Fuzz, an outrageously funny film directed by Edgar Wright and starring Simon Pegg and Nick Frost. Loaded with laughs, Hot Fuzz is so good you’ll need to see it twice just to catch what you missed the first time around. I recommend more than twice though.

Pegg is Sergeant Nicholas Angel, the Met's top cop. He's so good, in fact, that to prevent him from out-performing his fellow officers he's reassigned to Sandford, the sort of area that makes that town in "Newhart" look like Los Angeles. But if Sandford is a sleepy market town, it's home to some very real nightmares. Not that local coppers like loveable oaf Danny Butterman (Frost) see anything suspicious about Sandford's absurd number of "accidents." Angel is no ordinary constable and launches an investigation, much to the amusement of his bumbling boss and his colleagues.

The supporting cast features just about everyone who's appeared in a British movie. Edward Woodward, Billie Whitelaw, Timothy Dalton, Anne Reid, Adam Buxton, Kevin Eldon, Paul Freeman, Bill Bailey--it's hard to know what's more remarkable, the fact they got so many stars involved or the fact that they're all given great things to do. While it's wrong to single anyone out, special mention must go to Dalton who plays his mustache-twirling villain with such relish his performance ought to come with cheddar and a floury bap.

Wright and Pegg both say they’re not making fun of over-the-top action movies with Hot Fuzz and never intended their film to be a spoof or parody of the genre. But Hot Fuzz does indeed poke a sharp stick at a few of the staples of the action genre including those classic rapid-fire shoot 'em up sequences in which not a single bullet connects with its target. Frost’s character is obsessed with Michael Bay’s Bad Boys II and the 1991 Patrick Swayze/Keanu Reeves movie Point Break, and the action in Hot Fuzz is in large part inspired by those two cop dramas. There’s even a hysterical scene with Frost and Pegg flying through the air shooting at the bad guys. Priceless.

Our writers have studied the genre and manage to include in Hot Fuzz scenes that replicate or riff on the most commonly used action sequences from action movies, while also adding their own decidedly British take on the typical set-ups. The result is something both fresh and familiar. An impressive and at times ridiculously goofy film, Hot Fuzz proves the Shaun of the Dead team is equally as adept at finding the funny in living characters as they were with the undead.

Don't even think about sending cheese

It's been a while since we've seen anything dangerous sent through the mail in this country. Gone are the days of anthrax and the letter bomb. However, there's a new threat in the mail: the stink bomb.

A package in Washington, D.C. did not make it to its final destination because post office workers notice it smelled terrible. After calling in the bomb squad, it was determined the package was not hazardous. Well, at least not deadly. The box contained a dirty diaper and some spinach.

Great, thanks, U.S. Postal Service, now some homeless man's lunch will go uneaten.

Bird in hand now only worth one in bush

Inspiring news from the front: it seems that we're winning the War on Animals. Well, at least in the case of birds. According to the National Audubon Society, those traitors, many birds commonly found in your back yard are not so common anymore.

This can only mean one thing: we're winning the fight. Along with the occasional assistance of cats, we have been doing whatever we can to make them lose ground. More importantly, to loose numbers.

Technology ... in action!

It's always nice to look back upon science's slightly more outgoing cousin, Technology. After all, it was technology that gave us internet viruses from porn sites, cameras and DVDs for Girls Gone Wild (or it's own cousin, Girls Going Crazy--an actual DVD), and "Dateline: To Catch a Predator" (both sides of the fence there, people). Why, if it wasn't for technology, Justin Timberlake would never have been able to bring back sexy. So, what has that wild and crazy art, technology, given us lately?

Fembots! The fembots are coming! The fembots are coming! Better stock up on the oil. That goes for WD-40, scented rubbing oil, and vegetable. Hey, those fembots might as well make you some stir fry too, right?

Also from technology: reverse internet porn scams. Porn-for-Father's-Day.com maybe very well sound like a totally awesome place to get gift ideas, but it's really just a scam put on by the ironically-named, anti-porn XXX Church. I tell ya, those guys are more sinister than that Nigerian king who was going to give me all his money.

Remember people, if ain't technology, it ain't sexy.

Darwinism lives once more

Ladies and gentlemen, how does one weed out the bad seeds in nature? Survival of the fittest! And how do we begin survival of the fittest? Take away the ability to procreate ... even if it must be done through legal means.

Science ... in action.

How To: Serve your jail sentence

If recent news has shown us anything, it's that staying in jail is hard to do. Apparently the stark, cramped setting we call prison is--get this--depressing. Without the proper preparations, you may find your self sobbing inconsolably, losing weight, finding religion and calling Barbara Walters. The Guys find that almost as disturbing as what they do to fresh fish, so here's our how-to guide on serving your jail sentence in full.

Tools:
Anus
Prison Stationary (Toilet Paper can substitute)
Pen (Blood can substitute)
Laziness
Magic Marker or Chisel (Blood can substitute again)
Ability to grow facial hair

1) Show up. According to most experts, showing up is 90% of any effort. This is especially true for jail since your only job is to be there ... and the stamping the occasional license plate.

2) Stay there. Seriously, where do you expect to go? It's not like this is the 1930s. You know they're building a fence around Mexico, right? Just think of it like a dorm room, with the promise to your parents that you'll stay there until you can afford a crappy apartment (i.e., a halfway house).

3) Smuggle things in your anus. We know you promised yourself to never do that again after that night in college, but how else can you sneak stuff in? We suggest the following criteria for determining what does or does not go "where the sun don't shine:" is it smaller than a breadbox, and will lubrication ruin it?

4) Get a pen pal. We suggest a former sex offender teacher. They want a relationship in which they are in control, (presumably) know how to write, and seem pretty perverted. You are in a nine-by-nine box with no outside access, can learn to write now that you have no internet, and are definitely perverted. It's a win-win situation.

5) Do not find religion. New religions are like new puppies. Sure, they're cute, but they also generate a lot of poop. Puppies expect you to clean up after them; religions demand it. Not only that, but you're already in jail. What if you pick the wrong religion and wind up in Hell, too? Just mind your P's and Q's, buster, and you can sort out the afterlife once you're out.

6) Do not volunteer for a worker program. What the hell are these people thinking? The state's already feeding you, clothing you, and providing a place to sleep and workout. What do you need to work for? Is there a strip mall in the exercise yard? Use this as a vacation from adult life, once again, like college.

7) Count your days with hash marks. There's a prison cliche that needs to come back. If you're only serving a few weeks for embezzlement, then count the hours. If possible, grow a beard like the Count of Monte Cristo. Stylin'!

Alright, you should be all prepared for the big house. Just keep an eye out for those celebrity prisoners: they're pretty emo. And in the words of Office Space, "Watch your cornhole." Unless, of course, you've got a iPhone in there.

See you later, alligator

It seems authorities have located another member of Al-Igator inside the U.S. Some will remember the last one was found in California and apprehended for questioning.

This blog is hoping the one found in a river near Atlanta will have a much more graphic fate. We need to make examples of these terrorists before they start thinking causing trouble within our borders is a good ideas.

Cringing in the morning

Caution: DO NOT read this story if you or someone you know is possibly an owner of male genitalia. Everyone else is free to enjoy this story.

Don't say we didn't warn you.

(Courtesy of Mike C.)

Take it from Snee: Defense experts predict renewed biological attacks

The War on Animals is a complicated affair, sweeping battlefronts large and small. The smallest enemies are, of course, mosquitoes. We've fought mosquitoes for over 2,000 years at this point in an ever-escalating biological and chemical weapons arms race.

It wasn't always this way. We waged the majority of this war using conventional weapons (fly swatters, open-fists, the bug zapper), being the bigger men in spite of mosquito's preferred biological weapon: itchy venom.

However, once they introduced weaponized malaria into their arsenal, we could no longer fight a reactionary, defensive war. The chemical weapon DDT almost wiped out all malaria-armed units, but we scaled back once we received accusations of war crimes from Rachel Carson.

The war cooled off, returning to defensive tactics and aggravating bumps, but mosquitoes stepped up biological weapon production in 2003 when they unleashed West Nile. And our top defense experts predict another attack any day now.

To date, West Nile has killed six American humans. That's six too many. The blame-America environmentalists refuse to allow a return to the good old days: the days of DDT and other industrial chemical weapons. They call these weapons cruel and dangerous.

That's the point, pinkos. We kill enough of them so that they don't mess with humans. If they didn't want to vomit up their tiny, burning lungs, then they shouldn't have started this war. We cannot afford to wait until they strike again--that doesn't save lives. But preemptive attacks do save lives ... well, ours.

... Except for the smaller animals. And children and the elderly. But small animals and children are animals, and this is a War on Animals. Elderly, we'll miss you, but thank you for voting Republican.

If you do not support the War on Animals, then you are aiding the enemy. And that makes you a traitor.

Dumps like a truck in a pool

It's a classic crime scene in Decatur, Alabama: a wave pool, an empty beer can, a pair of swim trunks and a dump truck at the bottom of the pool.

Now the local police is after trying to find out what kind of a criminal mastermind could do such a thing. At the very least, it has got to be a break for the usual DUIs and burglaries. Let us all hope this does not inspire copycats. The last thing any of us want is to find our cars at the bottom of the local public pool.

Lonely at heart?

A new survey says that carpenters and other "tradies" do better than white collar workers when it comes to getting dates, although we at SG like to think that the investment bankers and their million dollar bonuses do pretty all right for themselves.

Of course, all those lonely male investment bankers may want to move to the next Sin City of the nation ... Cleveland. Yeah, it hurts my head to think of that too. Cleveland's mayor want to build a "strip club district," where randy bachelor party attendees can gather en masse. I just hope there are enough $1 bills to go around, though, that shouldn't be too much of a problem to those with million dollar bonuses.

COPS: Nude beach in Wisconsin edition

Officials say Wisconsin's nude beaches attract crime, drugs, and lewd behavior, but beach-goers say it's the same as any other beach. Except, you know, with more boobs. Personally, I'm trying to figure out just what actual crimes can be committed in Wisconsin. What, did someone steal your wheel of cheese? For that matter, nude beaches in Wisconsin? Do people really like being in the buff in the cold THAT much?

The Wizard's final trick

It's a sad day across the country, Don Herbert, better known as Mr. Wizard, is dead at 89. Not everyone is familiar with the man, but I know I watched him early Saturday mornings on Nickelodeon in the late 80s.

Mr. Wizard's World was a kids' science show as 80s can one can get. It was a precursor to Beakman's World and Bill Nye the Science Guy. Don, you will be missed.

Tune in next week when explain the cool processes a body goes through when it decomposes!

Getting tired of the race

Someone you know may be suffering from a debilitating disease that is now becoming rampant across the U.S. Symptoms include depressing, drooling and apathy. The disease's name: campaign fatigue.

That's right. Americans are all at risk for campaign fatigue because the 2008 presidential campaigns will be going on for a longer period than ever before. That's why we here at SG will be happy to provide you with the hard-hitting, nonsensical coverage of the race with our ongoing series Scurry to the White House 2008.

Letting the world see what you have to say

A naked man wearing just "a paper bag over his head with eyeholes poked out" is haunting Brooklyn. Oh, did I forget to mention that "other little thing he was doing?" Possibly NSFW.

And speaking of exposure, how do you get busted for excessive nudity when you work at a strip club? I mean, to me personally, in that environment, I'd think that you really can't be naked enough.

Don't give in to them!

As it is, a new year means another group of senior citizens taking their clothes off for charity. Be sure to thank the producers of that "Calendar Girls" movie when you see them.

Really thank them.

Attention bombs that have somehow become animated and can read internet information

Now your friends The Human Bomb, The Nude Bomb and Fat Man have a new sibling ... and it would have been fabulous!

A slow news day? Perhaps. But I'll take any story that allows me to post this image:

Probably a German shepherd

Not only are animals out to get us as a human race, it turns out some of them are even racist, like one dog in Belgium.

A Nigerian man told Belgian newspaper "De Standaard," which this blog thinks translates to "The One to Which Others Are Compared," that a businessman refused to hire him because his dog would bite non-whites.

Key quote: "'My dog is racist. Not me,' the Belgian told De Standaard."

You can't please everyone

A few museum patrons were quite upset to learn that Marilyn Monroe once posed for naked photos. Just wait until they hear about what happened to President Kennedy. Of course, a few geriatric gentlemen dressed in long brown trenchcoats were quoted as saying "This is the best thing to happen to us since Gertie's dance in Normandy!"

The McBournie Minute: Carnival rides

Summer time means a lot of things are changing, not the least of which is the overall stickiness of anyone you try to touch, including yourself, and I don't mean touching yourself. But the advent of summer means county fairs are back.

With these county fairs come the usual healthy, deep-fried food, games with stuffed animal prizes and rides. As attended such a fair in Fairfax County, Virginia over the weekend, I was reminded of something: I am a total and utter wimp when it comes to rides. This is not to say that I have an unreasonable fear of losing control/ heights/ high speeds, which I do, this is more about the rides themselves.

You know the people you see working at those places? Those mutants are the ones that assemble the rides. Just imagine how many working parts there are in those things, and then think about how many thousands of times each ride has been disassembled and reassembled. If one thing is out of place, it could be serious. Would you trust your life to a car that was assembled by part-timers unlikely to have graduated college? Not to mention, whirling around after having all that food and beer may not be the wisest choice.

Oh yeah, and if you think amusement park rides are safer, remember the threat of hitting a goose with your face, or this story.

MasterChugs Theater: 'Glengarry Glen Ross'

"Coffee is for closers."

Glengarry Glen Ross is one of the best films about salesmen ever made. As a story and a work of art, it ranks right up with Death of a Salesman and the Maysles Brothers’ 1969 documentary Salesman. Coincidentally enough, that's essentially the only movies about salesmen. And it's not even an original screenplay, it's an adaptation of David Mamet's theatrical play. Who would've guessed?

John Williamson (Kevin Spacey) manages a shady real estate sales office. He gives each salesman two leads, two names of prospective buyers, each day. Lately the leads have been cold. The salesmen blame management for giving them lousy leads, but management places the blame on the salesmen themselves. An inspirational speaker (Alec Baldwin) is brought in from HQ to whip the slagging salesmen into shape. He introduces a new sales contest for the office. First prize is a new car. Second prize is a chintzy set of knives. Third prize is “you’re fired” (plot hole: there are four salesmen in said contest). The two surviving salesmen will be allowed to work the “Glengarry” leads, the new leads, the names of people who are ready to buy. The next day everyone arrives at the office to find that there has been a burglary. The Glengarry leads were stolen, and each of the salesmen is a suspect.

Really, it's a tour-de-force of outstanding method acting, with Mamet's highly charged verbosity providing the fuel to the fire between them. Al Pacino delivers his customary greatness, showing that he can play things with a quiet touch just as effectively as when he is in a rage. Perhaps the biggest surprise is Jack Lemmon's outstanding performance as the salesman under the most pressure to sell, also the inspiration for The Simpsons' character "Old Gill." Some viewers may find the amount of profanity to be somewhat hard to on the ears, but it's done with integrity, not gratuity.

Moreover, the film--not as an endorsement but rather as an explanation--connects one's manhood to one's profession, which is the most obvious way we assess each other in the people's marketplace. As Shelley (Lemmon's character) says with utter conviction, "A man is his job," but follows it up with "… and you are f---ed at yours." The barb not only implies incompetence, but it questions that man's ability to function as a human being. Why else do we cling with such childish tenacity to titles? We'd sooner accept castration than a reduction from CEO to a mere "manager," because one implies a level of authority that may or may not translate into anything tangible. In such a world, we can only relate to others through these labels, and once they have been removed, we must actually scrub away the layer of crap and explore nuance and personality. And as we know, we'd rather not have to spend any more time with people than we have to--only enough time to, as it is said, "get them to sign on the line which is dotted."

Glengarry Glen Ross is a thinking man's drama, perhaps too dry and stagy for some mainstream audiences, but it's not in the message, but the delivery where the film scores the most points. No gunfire, no explosions, just acid-laced contempt and hatred bubbling under the surface. Guts and glory film making of the highest order.

Chairman of the Dance

In China, dancing may is becoming a mandatory class in school. But that has sparked concern from some parents who think the classes might result in tingling feelings.

It's aimed at getting Chinese children to be more active, because like American children, they're getting plumper. And like American parents, the Chinese don't want their children doing anything sexual with other children.

Can't we all just get along?

Get them before they become butterflies

Animals know they're at war with us, and they consider every one of us a target, even young children.

There is no better example of this than the arrival of a platoon of stinging caterpillars outside of a nursery in Hawaii. That's right--stinging freaking caterpillars! What low will our foe stoop to next?

DUI: Wheelchair edition

You wanna know what's wrong with Canada? No bloody respect for a person's right to drive a motorized wheelchair while drunk.

Key quote: "So how can I be charged with drunk driving?"

Good evening, taxpayer!

Maybe you had a bad day yesterday. If you're like The Guys, the medication for that is a heavy dose of vitamin alcohol. However, aside from the fact that it's Friday, here's something to pick you up:

A couple in Annapolis, Maryland had something of a surprise at dinner time when a flash bang entered their home. After it went off, 15 police officers entered their apartment and kicked the husband in the groin.

It was a drug raid, but it was at the wrong place. Whoops.

The mayor of dead wood

The people of Rosemont, Illinois have had an unusual sighting. Whereas some other locations see Jesus or the Virgin Mary appear in trees, turtles and grilled cheese sandwiches, they are seeing their dead mayor in a tree.

Donald Stephens was mayor of the Chicago suburb for over 50 years, now he's come back in the form of a tree. But people think it's Jesus.

Safety tip: when traveling to Rosemont, don't drink the water.

Dogging the legal system

More fun news from Vermont: it's OK to taunt police dogs!

The case against a woman who taunted a police dog because the victim was unable to testify. She put her face close to the car window, inches away from the dog and got charged for it. Even though the state is a liberal, whiny and most likely stoned, it is good to see they know which side they are on in the War on Animals.

Attention American readers of SeriouslyGuys

You should be alerted that our country's government isn't the only one that screws up a lot. Examples:

-A Singapore radio station raises some mighty big hackles with a speed bra removal contest. Well, they wouldn't wear bras at all if the government wasn't so picky about it. Where does the fault lie? The government of Singapore.

-An Indonesian tax minister's photo presentation to newspaper editors turned into a full demonstration of his "porns" collection. It's a good thing most people don't pay taxes on their Indonesian Amway business.

Remember, sometimes the oddest governments are overseas.

Defying the laws of speeding

A minister in Utah may get judgment from the local law enforcement rather than that of God, after he allegedly annoyed some speeders. The minister said traffic laws are God's laws and must be enforced.

Motorists have complained the minister was jumping in front of speeding cars, sticking brooms in front of them and backing his own car in their way.

Break out the razor blades and mirrors

In the world of alcohol there is good news and bad news today. The good news is the Dutch (of course) have developed alcohol in powdered form called Booz2Go--really. Just add water and it turns into a lime flavored drink.

The bad news is that the drink only has three percent alcohol content. Sure, that means the kids can drink it. They can get green tongues and drunk at the same time, but what about for the rest of us?

Truth in advertising?

A New York man is suing the makers of a health drink because he says it gave him a permanent erection. To be fair, it was called Boost Plus (and that Plus does make all the difference, after all). To be unfair, the drink is primarily marketed to old people, and you don't see them running around with raging boners.

The masked tape rewriter strikes again!

Local edition! Yes, Bedford isn't too far away from where this blogger resides, and no, I'm not a suspect. The story?

An elementary school discovers the hard way that their educational videos were recorded over someone's used porn tapes. Wacky hi-jinx ensue. Personally, that's just good recycling.

NOTE: Right click the link and "open in new window" to properly access the website. "Technology capital of Southwest Virginia" my foot.

A luxury only the rich can afford

With only a week or two left in the school year, it's good to see la enforcement is keeping these wily teenagers in line. Over 200 high school students were involved in a massive food fight in Illinois where police arrested three instigators.

Key quote: "'It was just insane,' said senior Zach Little, who was in the cafeteria when the melee began Thursday. 'Things like milk cartons, full pop bottles and blue slushies were flying around. Kids literally bought the food to throw it and, to me, that's a little expensive.'"

Remember kids, don't have a food fight, it costs too much.

Corn on the macabre

Thanks to the media for this no brainer (ha!) of a headline.

Key Quote: No one was believed to have survived the crash of a small plane that was carrying a six-member organ transplant team and their cargo of donor organs, authorities said on Tuesday.

Nice try, freeloader

Once again, zombies are causing problems for decent, hardworking, living humans. A Croatian man recently died while on a train all night. The engineer thought he was just sleeping, so he let him ride to the end of the line.

Six hours later, they realized he was dead. What they, and the public have yet to realize is that he was using his dead status to get a free ride. That lousy bum!

One nation, with liberty and NSFW downloading for all

Congratulations, fellow countrymen: "Americans are the greatest downloaders of porn." U.S.A.! U.S.A.! Stand up and take solace in your pride!

It's okay though, because music websites are a much greater security risk to your computer than porn websites, mostly due to the increased chance you'll accidentally download the new Linkin Park album. And believe you me, that's a definite accident.

It's for you, pussycat

In The War on Animals, nothing is as it seems. That rock? A propulsion device. The chair over there? A cage for that annoying box turtle. That cell phone? A super effective leopard lure. Everyone knows that leopards are the natural enemy of villagers. Since everyone also knows that villagers are people, saving people from animals makes this a top story in our war against animals. That's why India, you're our SG Heroes of the Day.

Remember people, it's us versus them. Now, finish the job India--you know what to do.

Headline of the Day

Ladies, this is exactly how we switch from one brain to the other.

What? Of course it would be a sports analogy.

Monster no more

This blog isn't sure if it's good news or bad news, but the "Monster Pig" bigger than "Hogzilla" was actually a pet named "Fred."

While it is indeed good news that a monster of that size can only be found if domesticated, this blog is hurt that the 11-year-old boy would lie to us and the rest of the world by saying he hunted the wild beast. That is why we are stripping him of his title of "Kid Soldier of the Day."

Which just goes to show you, you can't trust people from Alabama. (We're looking at you, Rick Snee!)

FYI

You might just want to put down that Chinese toothpaste, buddy--it could kill you.

Also, I don't know about you, but that's probably the most surreal sentence that I've ever wrote in my life.

Joke time

How long does it take this guy to screw in a light bulb? Well, if you asked him to do so in late 1988, then it'd take some time.

Key quote: "A railway worker who emerged from a 19-year coma woke to a radically altered Poland and thinks 'the world is prettier now' than it was under communism."

Wait until he realizes that MTV is essentially no longer that, Star Search's crappier cousin American Idol is the talk of the town, and everyone has to know what a talentless individual named Paris Hilton is doing. I wonder if Yahoo! can get a camera over there to take pictures of his head exploding?

Vermont shall rise again!

This quote sums up the entire article: "It doesn't make economic sense, it doesn't make political sense, it doesn't make historical sense. Other than that, it's a good idea," said Paul Gillies, a lawyer and Vermont historian.

It would be fun to call SeriouslyGuy Bryan McBournie a foreigner, though.

Kidz Korner: Downloads

Hey, kids! Welcome to another edition of our Kidz Korner! It's kah-raa-azay!

If we could get a little serious though, there's something the guys want to talk to you about: dangerous online content. You see, there are some things out there on the Internet that you might be curious about, but are too embarrassed to ask a parent about.

Things like hip-hop, drums and bass, trance, acid jazz, and polka are difficult topics to broach with adults who are uncool. Fortunately, we are cool, so here's the straight skinny, yo!

Downloading music is dangerous. You are very likely to contract a virus and be grounded up to three, maybe four, weeks. The worst part is that you might download the music and realize you don't like Gloria Gaynor anyway. What a whack, right?

Do like the LA Times suggests and stick with porn. It's cleaner than that dirty old music and will keep you entertained far longer than the bands you like now.

See ya next time, kidz!

The McBournie Minute: Tom

MySpace has been around for quite a while, so much so that it is become a major method for communication in society. We use it to show our friends how popular we are and we use it as our own personal PR department. SG even has a profile.

But there is a looming mystery about MySpace: who is Tom? You know, that guy everyone is friends with when they first sign up. As MySpace users, we feel the need to believe that Tom exists. We believe he is there for us when we need help and he listens to us when we send him a message to his profile.

Is there really a Tom? Perhaps we all just use Tom as a crutch, believing in him only when we need something. Many MySpace users choose to turn away from Tom and delete him as a friend on their profiles.

In the end, it really comes down to whether or not we want to believe in Tom. Some of us feel the need to talk to Tom everyday, and others feel content to live their lives without the glory of Tom. But one thing remains clear: what kind of a single 31-year-old guy lists Grey's Anatomy, Desperate Housewives and American Idol as some of his favorite television shows?

MasterChugs Theater: 'Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End'

First and foremost: I'm going to try to keep this review as spoiler free as possible. Wish me luck in that venture. For those that don't want any spoilers in the review, you might want to skiddaddle somewhere, just in case.

Batten down your hatches for swashbuckling mayhem in Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End (or Pirates 3 for purposes of brevity), a film that delivers everything an audience expects with a few surprises. Filmmakers present plenty of treasure for the audiences with some minor lulls (like characters choosing up sides for one confusing example) on its 168 minute course; however, it should be noted that all too often, the unnecessarily convoluted and confusing storyline keeps Pirates 3 idling in the cinematic equivalent of the doldrums.

Picking up where Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest trailed off, with zero in the way of a recap to bring the uninitiated up to speed, Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio's screenplay finds resurrected Captain Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush), swashbuckling Will Turner (Orlando Bloom), and plucky heroine Elizabeth Swann (Keira Knightley) charting a course for Davy Jones' Locker to rescue Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp). Driven more by mercenary concerns than altruism, Barbossa, Will and Elizabeth need Jack's help in bringing together the Nine Lords of the Brethren Court. Only this squabbling, international coalition of pirate kings from the seven seas can stand up to mighty fleet of the East India Company, which is determined to end the Age of Piracy. Under the tyrannical command of pint-sized despot Lord Cutler Beckett (Tom Hollander), the East India Company fleet has a supernatural weapon in its arsenal: Davy Jones (Bill Nighy) at the helm of The Flying Dutchman.

Pirates 3 proves just how important Captain Barbossa is to this franchise. We’ve all spent so much time fawning over Depp, that Geoffrey Rush’s consistently brilliant performance as the growling Barbossa has been almost completely overlooked. But Captain Barbossa is, and always has been the only real pirate in these movies. Sparrow is a clown, a wannabe-rock-star turned pirate. Barbossa is a mean, bitter, robbing and killing, leader of men sonofabitch. I don’t mean to demean what Depp does, the character of Jack Sparrow is brilliant, but he works better when Barbossa is there to lend the movie gravitas while Depp prances around the deck like a puppet with his strings cut. Without Barbossa, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest felt lost, light-headed, and silly. With Rush back in for an entire movie, Pirates 3 is able to survive the script problems that weighed the previous movie down with great character chemistry.

Chemistry problems solved, the returning cast is able to hold the movie’s poorly written non-action scenes together through sheer force of will, making it easier to simply sit back and enjoy the cannon fire when it happens. There may not be as much of it in At World’s End as in the second movie, but what’s there is more satisfying. Sword fights and rope swings and broadsides are back front and center. Gone is the underwater beastie that terrorized the second film like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man stomping New York, and in its place is swashbuckling and gunfire. The wind howls and the ships rock, and while Pirates 3 intentionally passes up an opportunities for even bigger, ship on ship action, it’s fun as a purely action experience.

The budget bought some remarkable imagery: the Black Pearl sailing an ocean of sand; an aerial view of a boat sailing through starfields; an underworld of doldrums full of despondent ghosts; and the awe-inspiring return of the goddess Calypso to the ocean. A couple of action sequences—including the intentional capsizing of a ship by its crew—achieve a certain mad brilliance. In the pandemonium of the pirates' climactic war for independence, you'll witness one of the big screen's most ludicrous love scenes. And the ships rock and roll to Hans Zimmer's score, which is as stirring as a storm at sea. The special effects are on par with last year's spectacular Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. (It's a shame that such life-like action feel so heart-less.) And the greatest special effect in the entire series isn't a special effect at all: It's Keith Richards's impossibly fantastic face. Yes, that's the Rolling Stones axe-swinger himself--the true inspiration for Depp's Jack Sparrow--playing a gravel-voiced veteran of the high seas.

In all, I was entertained. Could Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World’s End have been a much better movie? Yes. Were there still questions about the plot that went unanswered as I left the theater? Yes. Did the movie seem long at a three-hour running time? Yes. Was Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse Of The Black Pearl a better movie? Yes. None of that matters in the final analysis, however. Like Spider-Man 3, there are some definite feelings of "coulda woulda shoulda," along with a lot of what feels like "audience bait and switch," but nonetheless, this film is still a popcorn cruncher of the first order. See it, and prepare to be amazed. And oh yes, make sure to stay to the end of the credits. As with the first two films in the trilogy, there is an epilogue of sorts that helps to add some dimension to the ending.

How To: Unclasp a bra

If there's any life lesson rarely passed along to children, it's how to unclasp a bra ... with, hopefully, dignity. Since parents don't realize that kids already get the biological parts explained to them at school and in prison, they often skip the steps leading up to a home run. After all, there are three bases on the way to home plate and you have to touch each bag, and most batters will only reach second during their early careers. In order to fill this gap in your education, the Guys are stepping up to the coach's corner.

Please note that this How To is not just for guys. We like to think this guide will also be helpful to lesbians and women dating transvestites.

Tools:
Hands
Teeth
Derring-do

Instructions:

1. Locate the clapse of the bra. As sex is a death sport (see our future How To on avoiding the HIV), most of your introductory interaction is face-to-face, so you will need to fumble around the back for the tell-tale signs of a dorsal clasp: (a) an overlapping seam where the two straps meet, and (b) the hooks and latches, typically arrayed in 2 or 3 columns and rows.

If no such apparatuses (apparati?) are found, direct your probe to the front between the cups. If the bra is, indeed, front-clasping, then proceed to step 5.

2. Remember that bras are like Zippo lighters. The more panache you show in opening one, the more deserving you are of what's inside (in both cases, fire). You must, therefore, attempt it one-handed before moving on to two-handed approaches.

a. Place your choice of index, middle, or both fingers between the clasp and skin.

b. Place your thumb over the clasp.

c. Apply pressure between your thumb and finger(s) and slide your thumb towards the seam. This motion is similar to a snapping motion, only without the embarrassment of looking like an extra from West Side Story.

d. Repeat only once if method fails. The only thing less sexy than ineptitude is persistent ineptitude.

3. Should step 2 fail, then you'll have to resort to a two-handed method. There's no shame, so long as you get this on the first try.

a. Grasp the bottom strap near the clasp with your thumb between the strap and skin.

b. Grasp the top strap immediately over the clasp.

c. Test the hooks lightly to make sure you won't manhandle the operation, bear-hugging the wearer with underwire.

d. Slide the hooks out of the latches.

e. Do not repeat if method fails.

4. If the two-hand method fails, then resort to brute force. Sure, you'll look like an idiot with a broken bra in your hands, but whoever said that Conan isn't a stud?

a. Grasp each strap firmly in both hands.

b. Say a brief, private prayer. Wait, no. You're probably committing a sin, so any prayer will be either ignored or answered with hilarious consequences.

c. Yank for all you're worth.

d. Present the former wearer with a gift certificate to Victoria's Secret afterwards. You're a beast and a financially responsible provider.

5. Should the bra be fastened in the front, please say you didn't try steps 1-4. If you did and step 4 worked, way to be. Otherwise, fold the bra between the cups inward to towards the wearer's chest. Slide the interlaced hooks apart in opposing vertical motions.

Congratulations! Assuming this was consensual, you should now be the proud witness of a bare chest. For a how-to regarding third base, consult your local library's self-help section. Happy belated Mammorial Day!