SeriouslyGuys

Friday, August 31, 2007

MasterChugs Theater: 'Intolerable Cruelty'

Intolerable Cruelty, bears all the hallmarks of a romance--a dashing hero, a beautiful heroine, a series of trials. Yet here the hero is a successful divorce lawyer, the heroine is a manipulative gold-digger, the trials take place in a courtroom, and instead of a heart-piercing Cupid armed with arrows, there's a private investigator armed with a video camera.

Opportunity is ample for a divorce lawyer in Beverly Hills, and for Miles Massey (George Clooney), it has meant an insanely successful career. His clients are the rich and (in)famous, and his style toys with the facts to the point that when a television producer's wife comes to him looking for representation, he suggests that it was her husband and not her that was having an affair with the pool man. There's another man in need of Miles' assistance. His name is Rex Rexroth (Edward Herrmann), and his infidelity is captured on video tape by private investigator Gus Petch (Cedric the Entertainer). Needless to say, his wife Marylin (Catherine Zeta-Jones) is ready to start divorce proceedings, but fate turns to Rex's favor when he hires Miles, while Marylin employs the services of Miles' professional rival Freddy Bender (Richard Jenkins). The evidence is stacked in Marylin's favor, but after a surprise witness testifies that she entered the marriage solely for the monetary benefits from a divorce, she ends up with nothing. Not one to give up easily, Marylin almost immediately becomes engaged to Howard D. Doyle (Billy Bob Thornton), a rich, eccentric oil tycoon who maintains that a prenuptial agreement is unnecessary, even if Marylin insists that he sign one.

Miles is enraptured with the conniving Marylin, dumbstruck by her upcoming nuptials, and yearning to learn her next move. The movie starts off funny if a little lower key than it should be to reach the zany, offbeat heights it strives to achieve. The Rexroth divorce trial scene is a prime example. It's an amusing package, especially upon the entrance of Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy (Jonathan Hadary), but with tighter pacing, it could have been hilarious. Instead, it desires quicker pacing which would speed up the cue pickup, particularly in the judge's repeated motto of "I'll allow it." The dialog shines throughout the movie, and even though two other screenwriters (Robert Ramsey and Matthew Stone) were involved, it's apparent that the Coens are responsible for the best bits. Of particular note are a quiet exchange between Miles and his sensitive assistant Wrigley (Paul Adelstein) as a witness gives testimony about her sexually deranged husband and Miles' early discussion with the television producer's wife. Another Coen staple is the presence of unusual supporting characters, and they're here by the boatload. There's the old, sickly owner of the firm who's connected to multiple life-support systems, Gus, who has an obsession for "nailing asses," Doyle, who never shuts up, and an asthmatic assassin named Wheezy Joe.

Of course, all these wacky shenanigans, the most ingenious of which is a tongue-in-cheek pre-nuptial meeting between Marylin, Miles, and her soon-to-be husband, billionaire oil tycoon Howard Doyle (Billy Bob Thornton), are but a mere plot device to distract our potential love birds from getting together. The audience knows in advance that certain films, especially screwball comedies, have a predetermined code, call it the romantic comedy chain of events, that prohibit would-be lovers from seeing their devilish ways long before a film is about to cue the obligatory exit music and roll its credits. After all, inane conflict is arguably what allows screwball comedy to circle round and round from point A to point Z, before conveniently resolving its cinematic dilemma in one fell swoop. This, however, isn't what draws viewers into the Cineplex. It's the in-your-face chemistry between its stars. And George Clooney and Catherine Zeta-Jones certainly have that palpable, come-hither electricity in spades.

In fact, Clooney and Zeta-Jones are so red hot, particularly in a biting scene where Marylin and Miles exchange Shakespearean barbs over a glass of Chateau Margaux, that when they slither on-screen and form two halves of a duplicitous whole, the audience can't help but think they've been transported back to the 30s and 40s, when brisk banter was as much of a sport as it was verbal foreplay. Clooney, the king of jousting, doesn't just play Miles Massey, he embodies him. He does it by dominating Intolerable Cruelty with the same comedic sensibility and stylish panache as Cary Grant. While Zeta-Jones in full Barbara Stanwyck mode infuses her performance as a self-serving gold digger with such an edgy sense of venality that when Marylin appears to be developing a conscience, the audience wonders if she's just pulling another scam.

Dark, offbeat, quirky material has long been a staple in the Coen's work, but here the dynamic duo have given it a commercial boost, taking a well-written script, reworked by the brothers with screenwriters Robert Ramsey and Matthew Stone, and filling it with enough cynical charm to offset its mainstream premise. Chalk it up to good old-fashioned know how, but the Coen brothers have done the impossible. They have made a studio blockbuster without forgetting their indie roots. If you were worried that Intolerable Cruelty would be a weak entry into the Coen Brothers resume, you shouldn't. Though not as good as Raising Arizona or The Big Lebowski, it does rank up there with The Hudsucker Proxy or Fargo. This may be Coen blasphemy, but I liked it better than Barton Fink and O Brother, Where Art Thou? Check it out yourself and see if you think it is safe for those Coen boys to direct other people's scripts. Recommended, but not everyone's gonna like this movie, I'm sure.

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Irony in a Shakespeare play? What's the world coming to?

Irony continues to lash out at the world today, but this time in Aspen, Colorado. An actor playing Brutus in William Shakespeare's Julius Caesar accidentally stabbed himself during the famous assassination scene.

We tried to get a quote out of the Bard, but calls to his home in Stratford-upon-Avon have not been returned.

Irony lost on private school children

Catholic high school students shouted "white power" in a heated classroom debate over immigration.

Let me repeat that: Catholic high school students shouted "white power" in a heated classroom debate over immigration.

Though the Klan has not officially responded, but this blog believes it will be along the lines of sending all papists back to Europe once all the Mexicans are back in Mexico.

Add that to the 'private' collection

Call it an ancient trophy. Recently, a fossil from a walrus that lived 12,000 years ago sold for $8,000. No, it wasn't a skeleton, it was a single bone. In fact, it was a penis bone.

Oh yeah, and it's 4 1/2 feet long. It's gut check time, guys. This blog is still getting over the fact that walruses (walri?) have bones in their manly parts. It's always been used for slang, but these things seems to really be able to back it up. Good thing we killed these things thousands of years ago.

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Thursday, August 30, 2007

War Journal: Annapolis

Annapolis, Maryland
8/29/2007
6:03 p.m.


As I promised, as soon as I left work, I hightailed it to the U.S. Naval Academy to hunt and kill the green pigeon before it uses its superpowers to harm the good people of Maryland. I will admit, I did have to stop back at my apartment to pick up some supplies, but now I am locked and loaded and ready to go.

I brought along this journal to record this hunt and to inspire others to do the same. After all, we're at war.

The report I read said the booger-colored bird is located on the U.S. Naval Academy campus. My plan of attack is to take my 12-gauge over to that part of campus and watching the skies. Here goes nothing.

6:29 p.m.

Battered and bruised. Here is a tip for all of you warriors out there: do not try to run onto a military campus of any sort carrying a firearm. I did not make it more than a foot past the gate before I was pummeled by security guards. I think they were Navy, I could not really tell. All I saw was a series of fists coming toward me.

In between blows, I managed to tell them I was heading to the construction site of the new Naval Academy athletic center. They told me I was on the wrong side of the Severn River, took my piece, and resumed beating me.

Somehow I staggered back to my car. It hurts to hold this pen. Time to drive over to the bridge and try again.


View Larger Map

7:19 p.m.

I am back in action. I have parked my car and I'm heading to the construction site. It's time to go back into battle. I do not know where I will find a weapon, since mine was confiscated. But I am a dedicated warrior and I will prevail. Luckily, I am bringing my journal with me.

I think I just spat out a tooth.

7:53 p.m.

I found a fallen branch and sharpened the end to make a spear. Then I went down to the banks of the river Severn and covered my face in mud. Finally, I covered myself in female pigeon urine--don't ask.

It is a very primal feeling I have now. I feel almost like an animal. How can I possibly feel like the enemy I fight? I sit here, crouched behind a bush, ready to pounce on this colorful avian and all I can think of is home. I miss it so much. I swear if I ever get out of this hell hole, I will go home and start all over. I had a lot of plans before this terrible war began, I guess the war ruined a lot of plans for everyone. The would has gone mad.

I need to stop writing now so I can keep my eyes looking for my prey.

8:03 p.m.

Terrible news. I was sitting there, watching the last of the sunlight sink into the west, when a copy of today's (Annapolis) Capital rolled by. There on the front page was a blurb about the green pigeon. There, it said the bird returned to its owners south of Annapolis late last night. It was a homing pigeon, owned by Every Celebration--a company owned by a brother and sister, aged 9 and 12. They were unavailable for comment because they were AT SCHOOL! (Link unavailable, but it's true.)

The theory is the bird got lost during a storm over the weekend. Even so, children own a company and are creating superpower-ful birds? Animals and their allies must be destroyed! Tomorrow is another day and another battle!

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We all have bad days ...

... but sometimes, a person just shouldn't live where they are.

It's pretty bad when the failure music from The Price Is Right is essentially the music that plays in the background of your life.

Luka-luka-luka-luka-beeeeeeeeer

We know it seems like the perfect crime, but doing a naked hula dance to distract a clerk so your buddies can steal beer rarely works out the way you'd hope--especially if you're not sexy or a hula girl. Next time try wearing a coconut bra. And be female.

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Don't let it get your goat

Animal heads have been popping up in the news a whole lot more lately. They seem to be an instrument for revenge or intimidation. That is just fine with this blog, as long as they are not using human heads.

Recently, a Wisconsin attorney had someone send her a gift bag. In the middle of it was a goat head and a threatening note that read "Baaaaaah."

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Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Take it from Snee: Hollywood has been RAMed

At this point, 75 heroes have lent their names on The Facebook to claim their right to bear any and all arms, as afforded by the Constitution of the United States. That's not a drastic surge from two weeks ago's total of 71, but the Rick Snee Antidisestablishmentarian Militia picks its battles.

(Maybe a Switchblades-for-Lunchboxes Drive in front of elementary schools? Let me know.)

Today, I'd like to switch focus from our own efforts to those of an unlikely ally: Hollywood. For all of its over-the-top liberal idealism, the film studios of Lala-land have routinely put out movies that stress that all Americans have the right to bear the most "dangeous" of weapons that would place the average citizen on par with our Department of Defense.

I don't mean movies that glamorize guns: they're the tip of the C-4 laden iceberg. I mean movies that feature heroes welding arsenals above and beyond what the wimpy NRA can stomach.


The Astronaut Farmer
I haven't seen this movie, but I've heard about it, which is more than enough to praise or pan a film according to opponents of The Passion or Dogma.

Apparently Billy Bob Thornton reprises his role from Armageddon: the astronaut with some crippling flaw that prevents him from flying into space, whether its a public school education or actually being crippled. Instead of sticking with his cushy desk job (or cushy plough job), he builds a rocket capable of reaching orbit in his barn. The government, trying to hold him back, decides that civilians shouldn't have rockets, but he builds it anyway and, presumably, goes into space.

This movie is important to our cause because an orbital rocket is really a balistic missile, minus the balistic. Billy Bob, who doesn't take guff off of bears with bad news, has better ideas than to let The Man take away his pride and arms.


The Manhattan Project
Not only does this movie feature a reasonably hot Cynthia Nixon (the vaguely annoying/sexless redhead on Sex and the City), but also lasers, homemade nuclear bombs and a cool remote control truck.

The main character is a high school student who protests a secret government plutonium lab with his own nuclear bomb made with self-taught derring-do ... and plutonium stolen from said secret lab.

This movie's importance is dictated by arguably attractive Nixon in an article for her school paper: Paul Stevens is the first private citizen to enter the nuclear club.


Evil Dead 2
When evil is poised to usurp our bodies, what is our only viable option? Stopping said evil with a chainsaw.

Although this movie and its more popular sequel, Army of Darkness, augment Bruce Campbell's arsenal with a sawed-off shotgun (ho-hum), the chainsaw is iconic. Sam Raimi cleverly realized that the right to bear arms includes lawn tools in place of hands, and RAM thanks him for it.


That's only three examples out of thousands of films Hollywood has made to bolster our effort. With the Michael Bays of the world at our side, there's no way we CAN'T win the hearts and minds of the popcorn-munching public.


UPDATE: Hollywood has very important news for us! Today is the 10 year anniversary of SkyNet blowing us all to smithereens, which is yet another reason to arm ourselves with anything at hand.

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Dr. Seuss was ahead of his time

Attention citizens of Annapolis: be on the lookout for an unusually colored pigeon flying as free as a, well, bird. That's right, everyone, a green pigeon is currently at large on the grounds of the U.S. Naval Academy.

Earlier today, we tried to warn everyone about animals getting super abilities to aid in the battle they fight against us, but it appears the warning came far too late. This pigeon more than likely gets really strong and irritable when it gets angry. At the very least, think of how stealthy it can be, hiding in foliage and then pooping its green poop on your head.

The horror.

This brave soldier lives near Annapolis, so as soon as I get off of work, I am going to storm the U.S. Naval Academy campus with a shotgun. I'm sure nothing will go wrong.

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Turn left at strange rock by the sheep

Britain says that satellite navigation units are not to be trusted. This would be understandable if not for:

1. Some satellite nav units use "Karen," a strange British woman to guide people.
2. Their evidence was based out of Wales, a country that has only four words in its native language and none of those words have vowels in them. In Welsh, "satellite technology" means "new age sheep tracker."
3. Their evidence is also woefully old. Anyone that's been to my hometown and has attempted to use a satellite nav unit to traverse through there has learned to never trust the unit ... it'll take you through an invisible meadow.

Thirsty much?

An Atlantic City councilman and a former council president are charged with blackmail after videotaping another councilman having sex with a hooker. Of course, he claims she wasn't a prostitute anyway, because the money he gave her was for "sodas," which is now my favorite go-to excuse.

Saying "go get yourself a soda" is so much nicer and pleasant than "the money's on the table." Also, I can only wonder how the guy was videotaped. I mean, if it was via a special surveillance camera, that's one thing, but if he, a councilman, actually let them dance around him while he's making sure the lady's earning her soda money, he might just possibly deserve to be extorted.

Not exactly Flipper

Once again, our military is getting wishy-washy in the War on Animals. This blog understands there is more than one war going on, and it's important to get our troops the best equipment, training and medical treatment in the world, but that should not apply to dolphins.

Our troops are now being forced to get prosthetic limbs made alongside one made for Winter the dolphin. THE ENEMY! Winter lost her tail long ago when she became entangled in a net. Since then she has become to only dolphin to survive without a tail. Giving her a prosthetic tail does nothing but give this animal a chance at becoming more powerful than any other porpoise in the world.

Next we will be affixing lasers to their heads.

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Tuesday, August 28, 2007

A tunnel to certain doom

The Canadians are at it again. No, not introducing more bad music to the world. Instead they are helping aid salamanders multiply.

Ordinarily, at one Canadian park, the salamanders cross a road at night to go to their favorite breeding spot. Unfortunately for the amphibians, they often get run over by cars during their trek to the love shack. The Canadian government is actually helping the salamanders by installing tunnels for them.

It's only a matter of time before they start installing tunnels to help the salamanders cross our borders!

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She works hard for the money, so hard whatever the rest of the lyrics

A town councilor in England displays her commitment to family values by working a second (or is it third?) job as a stripper. Her day job is running a witchcraft store, so that sound you hear is the heads of her conservative opponents exploding.

Also....ew?

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To catch a cold thief hug

There's friendly. There's really friendly.

And then there's "stop touching me you strange, strange person!"

Key quote: "One man spilled a drink on Pearce. A little girl refused to let go of her blue sucker, and a little boy kicked and screamed, not wanting to hug a stranger, the newspaper said."

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How's it taste?

Men: Are you trying to find a way to break up with your girlfriend but just can't find the right words? Why not bite the head off her pet snake? That's what one Northern Ireland man did recently.

Freudian? Sure. But one shouldn't be dating a woman who owns a snake in the first place. Snakes don't belong in Ireland anyway, St. Patrick, the warrior of yore, drove them all off the island centuries ago.

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Monday, August 27, 2007

Shrimpin' ain't easy

Hunting is one of our most ancient and time-honored traditions. As humans, our kind have stabbed, trapped, poisoned and shot our way to the top of the food chain. It's called bootstrap feasting.

One of the proudest Belgian traditions is now under threat of extinction, and it's time we rallied around the cause. The tradition: horseback shrimping. This blog loves the concept because not only is it killing one species, it's using another one to assist in the task.

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But who will think about the children?

Australia's $160 million national porn filter? Hacked in 30 minutes by a 16 year old.

It's ok though. The Australian government is currently in the process of investigating how their top of line software was so easily dismantled--and they have some very encouraging words for parents, too: "It doesn't mean that the whole scheme is not worthwhile, because a lot of kids haven't cracked it." Well, not yet at least.

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Locking out of love

Teenagers of America: be this kid and follow his plan.

Step 1: Skill with soldering.
Step 2: Skill with software.
Step 3: ??????
Step 4: Profit!

Now, if he manages to unlock, say, oh, I dunno, an extra 40 to 80 gigs for the iPod portion of it, then I'd totally fork up the money.

Are you whippersnappers ready to rock? Feh, what do you know about rock music?

Speaking of nations that lost World War II, the Germans are fed up with their latest invaders: aging rock has-beens.

While Japan has bent over and taken it from every C-list rock band for the past 50 years, Germans are pitching mocking reviews onto the beachheads:

"The fondness for travel by the senior citizens has nothing to do with art," wrote Jochen Temsch, a critic at Munich's Sueddeutsche Zeitung newspaper.

"[Ozzy Osbourne] kept screaming 'I can't f---ing hear you!' over and over again. You felt like shouting back 'buy a goddamn hearing aid and maybe you'll realize you're singing everything off key.'"

'And on your left, a bleeding whale'

Remember that show, Scared Straight? Of course not, that was almost 30 years ago.

But the Japanese remember it and are using similar tactics to benefit the War on Animals. In this case, they harpooned a whale in front of whale watchers.

Key quote: "There were two other whale-watching boats nearby, but one of them left after a child started crying."

That's what we call a lesson learned, so long as the parents don't coddle that kid with therapy.

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Friday, August 24, 2007

China v. Buddha

China likes to crack down on everything. They pretty much think that can control whatever they want, from wages to the population. But now they have found a new foe: Buddhists.

Yes, the Chinese government has banned Buddhist monks from reincarnating without permission. Take, that Buddha! Next up on China's list: Jesus can't come back unless he asks the Chinese government first.

(Courtesy of Chugs "I'm On Vacation This Week" Taylor)

Baggy pants not OKAAAAAAY

Atlanta, also called "Hotlanta" by some in the music industry, had been known for many things. It was burned down during the Civil War (and rightly so!), it is home to Coca-Cola and one of the largest aquariums in the world, it has also spawned its own style of rap music, called "crunk." But Atlanta might be passing a decidedly un-crunk bill.

Baggy pants might be banned within city limits. They believe baggy pants is an important issue facing the country. Obviously, this is true. After all, it's not like there's a war on or anything.

Rehab's for nancies

After yesterday's meat-fest, the media has returned to familiar ground. Should celebrities convicted of DUIs and drug charges be given the death sentence? Absolutely.

Drudge Report and other web sites have made it clear that one-to-three days, 30 days or one hour incarcerations are not enough punishment for misdemeanor offenses. And while we believe that rich people should not pay more taxes, the country demands more prison time for heiresses and anorexic actresses.

The Guys know that no amount of jail time will make up for lousy pop singles and horrible reality shows. The only way to make everyone happy? Fry Paris, Lindsay and Nicole.

The devil made me do it

If you have been to Salem, Massachusetts you know it's a tourist down capitalizing on its checkered, morbid history with witchcraft. In 2007, it seems the controversy is not over. Someone has been putting raccoon parts on the doorsteps of two businesses in town.

Accused of the crime are two, get this, Wiccans who live in town. We all know that the wiccans are peaceful people, if not a little on the weird side. However, if these two women are taken to court, look forward to the news Salem Witch Trials!

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Taxi Cab Morticians

Twenty-year-old Kelvin Jose Pinango was tired of waiting for the police to show up, so his family paid a cab driver to take him to his destination. There was just one minor thing: Kelvin was dead.

He eventually got to his destination--the morgue--and was on his way. Kelvin was murdered on Monday in what they think was a theft of his motorcycle. Police had not showed up to take the body, so his family put him in a cab. It's my guess he didn't leave much of a tip.

Kelvin could not be reached for comment.

It will drive you batty

Humans have been the victims of aerial biological attacks for decades, but it is only recently we figured that much out. Scientists now say the source of the deadly Marburg virus (you have have heard of its relative, Ebola) came from a fruit bat common across Africa (the story is after the link).

The fruit bat is often seen as the swishiest of the bat family. After all, every family does have one of those cousins or uncles that is just a little different than the rest. Even so, we need to regard all bats as dangerous, not matter how foppish they are.

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World Leaders Gone Wild

Good morning, ladies and gay gentlemen.

We know weekday mornings can be a drag, so the Guys have decided to sex up your day with topless, doughy world leaders.

First up, rugged Russian Vladimir Putin romps through a rural playground. You could say Putin puts the vodka in your morning coffee.

Mm, that was hot. But what's that? Over there in France?

Nicolas Sarkozy shows he's no creampuff baguette, either. Sexy? You bet your parfait.

Sorry about steaming up your monitor.

Oh ... and you're welcome.

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The scariest of enemies

Imagine a big, orange spider that can jump three feet and bite you with its fangs. Sounds like an ugly, scary movie in the making, right? For the people of Smithtown, N.Y., it's a reality.

The Suffolk County Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, better known as the Taliban, took the spider after its owner said he or she could no longer take care of it. This blog believes the owner was probably a man in his thirties whose daily activities consist of ordering pizza and playing World of Warcraft.

The spider needs to be extinguished after facing a military trial for its crimes. At the very least, it should be sent to Guantanamo Bay.

Key quote: "'This spider is so aggressive, it will bite you just to bite you,' he said. 'It's not a pet you want to cuddle up with at night.'"

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Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Take it from Snee: There's nothing wrong with 'flip-floppers'

My age group barely votes, and the most common arguement is that "there's no one I want to vote for." They base this on the most common political arguement since John Kerry's failed campaign: they're hypocrites who flip-flop. Politicians accuse each other of this, and the media looks for this evidence like it's the Pentagon Papers. Take, for instance, The Daily Show: every weekday, Jon Stewart features a recent quote from some notable politician, and then plays video of said politician saying the opposite weeks or years earlier.

Is it too much to ask our leaders to stick to their guns year-in and year-out? After all, the government should be able to resolve all of the problems we have yet to settle after too many mojitos at Ruby Tuesday: poverty, war, taxes, race issues, abortion, time travel flaws in Back to the Future, whose round is it, global warming and so on.

What these non-voters fail to realize is that politicians are an extension of our own indecisiveness:

  • We want to catch terrorists before they kill people, but we don't want to be monitored by the government.

  • We want cheaper oil, but don't want to invade more oil-producing nations. And we want to drill more oil here, but we also want cleaner water and otters.

  • We want to see less poor people during our commutes, but we don't want to pay more taxes, and killing them all is, apparently, out of the question.

  • We don't want gays in the military or women in combat, but we had better not get drafted when recruiters can't fill their numbers.

  • Gay sex is gross because it involves anal and oral, but (heh) we want to do that stuff with our girlfriends.

  • We want 17-year-olds to be tried and punished as adults, but we don't want 18-year-olds to drink. (How come we don't want any adults to be tried as minors? It'd make a great defense for teachers who have consentual sex with their students.)

  • We want our entertainment to be chock full of sex and violence, but we don't want our children to see it. And we want to control what our children see, but we also want to work at high-profile jobs and go on vacations without them.

  • We want fast food that tastes disgustingly good, but we want it to be healthy like a home-cooked meal. On a related note, we love spicy food, but hate diarrhea.

  • Communism is evil, but so is capitalism.

  • Our president is an idiot, but is nefariously deceiving us to strip away our rights, fly planes into buildings and invade other countries.

  • We accuse the media of covert political bias ... at the insistance of openly biased sources like Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Michael Moore and Arianna Huffington.

  • We want to know everything about our favorite celebrities ... until they become political. We also want those celebrities to be normal, good people, but we also want to hear about their DUIs, bigotry and infidelity.

  • To paraphrase Chasing Amy, men want their women to be sluts in bed and virgins everywhere else. On the other hand, women want predictable sensitive men, but also want unpredicatable jerks.

  • There's no more racism or sexism, but white men are still uncomfortable watching black male porn stars (especially with white women), and we ask questions every election like, "Is America ready for a [insert minority status here] president?" Oh, and immigrants can come to this country, but they had better speak English right away; stay out of our neighborhoods, schools and hospitals; and not take our jobs. And despite all of this, we think people who are openly racist are worse than those who look both ways before telling a joke.

  • And who can forget this everyday gem: "I think abortion is morally wrong, but I wouldn't take away anyone's right to it." At the moment of personal crisis, this thought turns into, "I don't want to have a child, but I don't want to put it up for adoption because that will ruin his or her life."


So of course politicians like John Kerry, Mitt Romney, Dick Cheney, Hillary Clinton and all the others flip-flop. We do it every damn day, so how else can they win our ever changing votes?

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A fire down below

So you are sitting around the house one night drinking vodka as you watch television naked one night, when your ex-wife, whom you divorced years ago but still live with, walks into the room and sets your manhood on fire.

Suddenly, you're reminded why you divorced her in the first place.

Key quote: "'I was burning like a torch. I don't know what I did to deserve this.'"

Stockholm syndrome

Bill Murray has always been an innovator. Almost never doing a sequel, he has always sought to do new things--either for himself or for anyone ever. So it's no surprise he's taken the celebrity DUI to a whole new level.

He was stopped by police for drunken driving, in a golf cart, in downtown Stockholm, Sweden. Points for creativity, style and dismount.

Fat could be contagious

You know how you're always feeling out of breath when you get out of the car at lunch time, and all you can do is get inside and chow down on your KFC fried bowl of goodness? Well according to scientists, it may not be your fault, fatass.

It actually might just be how your genes interact with a cold you seem to have caught. Got that, everyone? If you dig deep enough, nothing is your fault, it's always your parents'.

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Tuesday, August 21, 2007

They ain't got no soul

According to scientists, the same people who brought you flying cars by the end of the 20th century, are now saying artificial life could be possible in the next three to ten years. This blog sees absolutely no reason to be alarmed.

It seems like a great idea.

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***Warning! Warning! You attention is required!***

This is an urgent SeriouslyGuys health bulletin! Please drop what- or whoever you are doing and pay attention for this announcment.

Please, please, PLEASE do not wash your genitals after having sex with someone who is H.I.V. positive.

For those who missed the first part of this announcement: Do not wash your gentials after having sex with someone who is H.I.V. positive.

Thank you for your attention, and you may now resume having sex with your H.I.V. positive partner(s). (But don't, for the love of Mary Magdelene, wash your genitals afterwards!)

Recycling rubber

Not only does this article rank as headline of the day, but it (and 2 speeding ticket accounts) proves that the Prius can go over 100 miles per hour.

The Prius: still a wussy car, but able to run for its life on the schoolyard.

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Curious or deadly?

Monkeys are sneaky, sneaky animals. In yet another case of prisoners of war causing problems at zoos, Oliver the white-faced capuchin monkey made his wardens red-faced when he escaped from his cell for the second time in Tupelo, Mississippi.

Oliver apparently knows how to pick locks and open doors. He was found four miles away in a yard. It is likely he will face new charges for his escape.

Key quote: "'I'm getting titanium locks next time,' Nemecheck said. 'I'm tired of chasing a monkey.'"

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Smarter than the average drunk

Beer festivals are fun, everyone knows that. But even the most exciting of these can be ruined by an enemy attack. Such a thing happened in Serbia, a region of the world no stranger to enemy attacks. Police found the half-eaten body of a 23-year-old Serbian man in the bear cage at the Belgrade Zoo.

While this blog completely understands the point of drinking and carrying on in full view of the prisoners, taunting them all the way, there is obviously a safety issue. It is obvious this man was lured into the cage by the bears and their charms. Remember, soldiers: while they may look like stupid animals, unworthy of our respect or proper burial, they can be clever.

Key quote: "'There's a good chance he was drunk or drugged. Only an idiot would jump into the bear cage,' zoo director Vuk Bojovic told Reuters."

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Monday, August 20, 2007

Love that dirty water

Marcos Diaz, the Dominican world-record swimmer, has beaten asthma and become a pretty good swimmer, seeing as how he swam the Strait of Gibraltar faster than anyone else. He now has a new challenge ahead of him: on Saturday he will swim around the island of Manhattan. He hopes to raise money for Dominican children with cancer.

In future news, Marcos Diaz, the Dominican world-record swimmer is dead of meningitis.

Chugs is old

SG would like to send out birthday wishes to our own Chugs Taylor, who turns 24 today. This blog would also like to note that he is a filthy, filthy whore. His customers know what we are talking about.

Rattling up a card game

Two Colorado men were arrested and charged with conspiracy to commit murder after a plot was uncovered. Not surprisingly, it involved rattlesnakes.

Apparently, the men planned to kill a man who owed them a large amount of money. No doubt the men went to the snakes, better known as the mafia of the Animal Kingdom, for help. The snakes obviously agreed to do the hit for the men. But were they ever charged? No. Yet another miscarriage of justice.

Remember folks, guns don't kill people, rattlesnakes kill people.

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The McBournie Minute: Movie Theaters

Last night I went to a nearby movie theater to see Superbad. While I will leave the movie reviews to Chugs, it's time to talk about etiquette in the movie theater, because people out there really need it.

I am not here to be that annoying singing frog band from some Disney movie singing about turning off cell phones, which is the most annoying announcement in movie theaters today. No, I am here to say TURN OFF YOUR DAMN CELL PHONES. This is one I just don't get. I am glad you put your phone on mute for me, but are those text messages really so important you need to answer them right then, your screen's bright light diverting my attention? Unplug every now and then, folks, you did manage to live for a couple years just fine without those things.

For a long, long time, my movie experiences have been just fine. Relatively uneventful, aside from the movie itself, but lately there is a disturbing new trend: babies crying. Listen, ma'am or sir, I understand you don't get to go out much since you had the kid and you really wanted to see this flick and all, but if you can't afford a babysitter, you shouldn't be going out. It's like going to a bar and not tipping the bartender. Watch movies at home. At the very least, stop going to movies in the evening, violent, loud ones, at that. Go see whatever penguin movie they just made.

Show some respect, everyone. Now if you want to look for me next time you're out, I'll be the guy tossing popcorn in the air every time he laughs.

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Friday, August 17, 2007

How To: Ace a job interview

The buzzing of the fluorescent lights is all you hear as you sit in the lobby of the office. The receptionist/ secretary/ office manager tries not to look at you as you wait for your name to be called. You regulate your breathing and wipe your sweaty hands on your clothing.

It's job interview time. You're tired of your job as a peon flipping burgers by day and mopping floors by night. This could be your big chance. You'd better not blow it, bub. Luckily, the Guys are here to help you out.

Tools:
Power suit/dress
Fifth of your choice of alcohol
Internet access
Eyes
Chloroform

1) Get liquored up. Want to keep that hand from shaking? It's time to hit the bottle, brother. More than that, it will loosen you up, make you appear more confident in everything you say. After all, a job interview is not about being qualified, it's about appearing so. It will also help you answer their questions more truthfully. You don't want a job you have to lie for anyway, right? We recommend vodka, they won't be able to smell it on your breath.

2) Do background research. It never hurts to know a bit more about the company you are hoping to join. The best research tool for that sort of thing is the Internet. Find the company's web site. Better yet, find the person who will be interviewing you. Use all the resources at your command to learn about their career and interests. Then find their home address. Time for a little recon. Stakeout near his or her place and watch. Do they have a significant other, pets, family? What do you notice about that house? What does it say about them? What are the children's names? Make sure to bring up what you find during the interview.

3) Always make eye contact. This cannot be stressed enough. While being interviewed keep your eyes on the interviewer at all times. If he or she looks away, keep locked on them. That will show you really are intent on getting the job and are awaiting their every command as a future employee.

4) Eliminate the competition. This is the trickiest of all, but if you pull it off, you will prove yourself hungrier than anyone else for the position. Did you ever see Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines? Early on, the T-X cannot find John Connor, so she starts knocking off his subordinates. You must be the T-X in this situation. Sure there is no John Connor, but so what? We are not endorsing murder here, rather just restraining people while remaining anonymous. If they can't identify you, they can't call you out on it. Use your smarts to get the interview list. You can do it.

Now that you have these points nailed, it's time to get in there and knock 'em out of the park like Barry Bonds at the height of his HGH cycle. You can do it, slugger!

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We'll take a liter of sequel

According to IMDB, Broken Lizard is trying to be funny* again.




* Yeah, we know Beerfest was funny, but admitting so makes us less acerbically hip.

Bear cannot bear 'War on Animals'

We, here at SG, are always proud to report stories of humanity defeating animals behind enemy lines. Today's story comes from Grovedale, Canada. (Apparently Canadians are just as ballsy as Americans when it comes to bear fights.)

The guy fought off a mother bear with a "machete-style hunting knife," suffering only bites, scratches and a possible broken limb, after accidentally walking between her and her cubs. He reported that, in return, he stabbed the bear three times before she cowardly cut-and-ran.

There is no report as to whether the bear died from her wounds, but if she did, the cubs will go next. Three stabs, two generations? Not bad.

Our celebration of this victory comes with one admonishment: always, always, ALWAYS confirm the kill.

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Wait just a minute here

Sometimes it does not pay to have practical jokers for friends. It can get you into trouble sometimes. Patrick O'Bryan, 21, was having an ordinary night as a clerk in Michigan when someone walked in the door and handed him a note demanding money.

Oh yeah, and there was also a gun pointed at him.

O'Bryan walked up to the man, thinking he was a friend playing a practical joke. The gunman hit him. After that, it was easy access to the cash registers. Whoops.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Take that, Michael Moore

A man in South Africa was shot in the side. Three weeks later, hospitals would not operate on him to remove the bullet from his side.

The man is a security guard, who got shot during a burglary. The bullet missed his vital organs, so he does not appear to be in mortal danger. One doctor told him to "walk the pain off." After all, that's what those monologuing types in G-man pulp fiction always did.

Quick question, everyone

What's more dangerous than a dinosaur?

A dinosaur with a gun....and the film that's being made about it.

With the recent discoveries of fossils and resurrection attempts, this is dangerous a film, ladies and gentlemen. Remember-just say no to CloneDinO.

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The Cold War heats up

Russia is so serious about repopulating their country with loyal patriots, they're even giving citizens a day off of work to copulate. America must respond to this challenge!

I recommend Friday.

For bombing runs, of course.

I called the witchneighbor

It's been a long time since we've been troubled by the occult. This blog came down hard against witchdoctors, voodoo and the like over a year ago. Don't thank us, we're just doing our job.

However, it seems there may be a resurgence in the trend, after a Wiccan woman was arrested in Wisconsin. Neighbors complained she was being too loud one night, as she chanted and danced around a fire.

Key quote: "He said Barney at one point poured lighter fluid on the fire, in which she was burning rubber car mats and a cooler."

Sounds like a normal religion to me.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Take it from Snee: Beliefs and science don't mix

So I was watching the National Geograpic Channel last night, and I wound up catching a special on Atlantis.

I have nothing against people searching for mythical places. It's this kind of dreaming that led to the eventual discovery of the actual city of Troy.

My problem is with leaps of logic that were featured on the show.

Leap #1: Atlantis can be found because Plato wrote about it as a real place. Sure, and John Milton wrote about Heaven and Hell as real places, but that doesn't mean that we can dig our way to Hades or fly a spaceship to Heaven. And let's not forget that, although the classic Greek and Roman thinkers were pretty smart, they weren't always right. Cases in point: believing bees come from dead bulls and art should be censored if it doesn't instill positive morals (Aristotle and Plato's Republic).

The launch-point for this disasterous base jump is that Plato's name is on it. Certain names are given carte blanche to pretty much say anything and have it interpreted as fact. For instance, when Mr. T says he pities fools, we automatically assume said fools are pitied. However, we're ignoring the overwhelming evidence that, while they are pitied, they are not exempt from a pitiless ass-whooping. While Plato certainly stated a lot of "facts," the proof is often lost because we don't have YouTube videos of him contradicting himself in real life (from which no one is exempt).

Leap #2: Hieroglyphics depict a helicopter, submarine and flying saucer. Hieroglyphics are a written language that was only translated as recently as 1822. Any attempt to interpret these symbols without understanding how to read them is akin to looking for pictures in the phone book. "Look! There's curious dots hovering over certain characters in this book! They look like spaceships over the Washington Monument! That must mean Americans got their government from space aliens!"

Leap #3: Atlanteans left evidence of their existence that we haven't found yet. The people looking for Atlantis keep describing the ancient Atlanteans as a superintelligent race, yet they couldn't leave a single record anywhere? Why would displaced survivors of a continent-ending catastrophe not want to leave a historic record somewhere? And if they did, why would they hide it? The answer is simple: they wouldn't. If fourth-graders are smart enough to create time capsules, these people should have done better.

Leap #4: Aliens or displaced Atlanteans must have taught the Egyptians and Mayans how to build pyramids. This last one is pretty much veiled racism. In the mostly white, all western eyes of Atlantis hunters, brown people can't build monumental structures out of stone. This, of course, ignores their own contributions to (read: our patent stealing for) our own culture: rockets and gunpowder, pasta, math, writing, money, and Jesus.

And what is their smoking gun on this suicide plunge? It's a sculpture on a Mayan pyramid that depicts a slightly elongated face with a big nose and lip whiskers. Not only is it incorrect to assume all Mayans were round- and flat-faced and couldn't grow facial hair, but it doesn't account for the one universal presence in all cultures: bad artists. Even if we use their (ignorant) evidence, how many bad sculptures have we seen that do not capture their subjects?

It's okay to believe in places that aren't proven to exist. That's the fun part of beliefs: nobody can tell you what you can or can't believe. But beliefs are not hypotheses, theories or laws. Once you try to apply those to a belief, then you have to wonder why you believed in it in the first place. The results of such attempts result in the entertaining and often insulting leaps in logic listed above. Take it from Snee: just like women and seamen, beliefs and science don't mix.

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Return to sender

Everyone knows nothing good comes out of the mailbox these days. It's all just junk mail and bills. Any meaningful communication is done in other methods.

Then there's the strange thing a mail carrier found one day recently in Pennsylvania: human remains. Put away your CSI hats, everyone, they were cremated remains and they were in a plastic baggie. Apparently someone wanted to mail their beloved to the big mailbox in the sky.

Key quote: "'In my 19 years of police work, never has something like this occurred,' Pottstown police Capt. F. Richard Drumheller said."

More evidence of thieves being braintrusts

45 parrots were recently stolen from a pet shop. Yes, you read that right: 45 parrots. Not 46 parrots, not 44 parrots, nor cash, jewelry or electronics ... just 45 parrots. To whomever committed this act of grand theft animal larceny, we can only hope that you do your right part in the War on Animals. If not, well ... you might want to be made aware that parrots tend to be noisy. Book 'em, Dan-O.

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Like a slinky, but with more electricity

What rolls down stairs alone or in pairs, rolls over your neighbor's dog? What's great for a snack and fits on your back? It's, well ... it's not log at all. BUT it is more foldable, bendable, and cutable than a kitten...it's a new battery! Just think of all the oncoming advances in consumer electronics thanks to a smaller, more adaptable power source:

-watches that affix to your wrist like a postage stamp
-sunglasses with a HUD display
-MP3 players embedded in your skin so that you can have your own background music all of the time

Oh, but the itching, so much itching ....

News from the town of Frick

In Frick, yes Frick, Switzerland, a man found evidence the battle between humans and animals may have been going on longer than we thought. In fact, they technically might not have been humans at one point.

A man found dinosaur bones at a construction site. It was later determined the site was a mass grave for plateosaurs. This startling new evidence clearly indicates that our ancestors have been rounding dangerous beasts up and killing them for eons.

This blog is confident the longer we wait, the more evidence we will see this is the case.

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Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Best Headline of the Day At This Point

Sometimes, the truth hurts. A lot.

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Snakes in a Suitcase

Snakes nearly got on a plane, along with crocodiles in Egypt. According to the local media, a Saudi man tried to get his suitcase, which was filled with cobras and baby crocodiles, through security yesterday. The discovery shocked the airport security.

Key quote: "The 22-year-old passenger, identified only as Anas, said he needed the reptiles, which also included chameleons, for scientific research at his university in Saudi Arabia."

Research, of course. We all know that he was taking these animals to a country where torturing is legal, much like how CIA operatives take suspected terrorists to similar countries for "research." Keep up the good work, Anas!

In case you were wondering, the Snakes on a Plane jokes may never end.

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The evidence is sound

Prosecutors in L.A. have dropped the investigation of an alleged sexual assault at the Playboy Mansion due to insufficient evidence, and at least one person--OK, Hugh Hefner, of all people--claims that the woman in question made the whole thing up. As if anyone would even think of having sex at the Playboy Mansion!

Estoy en amor con un separador

Illegal immigration takes a dirty (hopefully not) turn as Canadian strip clubs fight for their right to hire foreign workers.

Key quote: "This is one of the professions where there is a worker shortage."

Really? No crap? Surely, we must be able to loan our neighbors some hot naked people in this time of crisis? Remember people, it's quantity, not quality!

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Motorin', what's your price per leg?

Japanese cinema is filled with exaggerations of people's tolerance for pain. It's nothing for them to lose a limb or two but keep on their mission of revenge and the fight for their honor. (I'm sorry, did I just sum up every Japanese non-monster movie ever?)

However, at least one man can back up the films' claims. He severed his leg after scraping against a barrier while riding his motorcycle and didn't notice until he stopped at the next junction. His friend had to pick up the leg. What a nice guy.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Like they do on the Discovery Channel

For as long as there has been war there have been the temptress spies getting information from officers and their loose lips in bed. The most famous example of this is Mata Hari. However, it seems the War on Animals has taken the femme fatal to a whole new level.

Blame it on the Norwegians.

Farmers and animal owners in Denmark openly advertise bordellos where the wares are not women, but animals. Shockingly enough, this is more or less legal in Denmark, and Norwegian tourists are flocking to them. This blog understands the tempting nature of the thought of making love to one of our enemy, but we all must forgo the urge or they will know too much about our operations.

(Brought to you by Elliot)

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The sky is falling! The sky is falling!

It's happening now! We're gonna die!

Oh ... wait.

Errr ... ummmm ... Lemme just change that.

Correction: The sky will fall! The sky will fall! But not right now at this very instant!

2+2=54

If there's one thing we at SG aren't, it's MATH GENIUSES; however, you don't need to know a cosine from a tangerine to know when fuzzy math is afoot. All those surveys that say men have twice as many sex partners as women are very interesting, even if they're, you know ... mathematically impossible. We're looking at a very fuzzy situation, ladies and gents. Strap your nerd hat on people, this could get messy.

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The McBournie Minute: Hurricanes

It's August, and that means two things: here come the hurricanes and Christmas commercials are only a couple weeks away.

But for some reason, we haven't seen a single threatening hurricane this year. The best we have seen are some dinky ones in Mexico and Flossie, a hurricane currently heading toward Hawaii. Just like last year, there has been nothing that interesting this season.

Remember two years ago? You couldn't go a week without hearing about a new hurricane forming off the coast of Africa. It was the year Mother Nature took a WrestleMania approach to attacking the eastern seaboard. A year before that there were nearly as many storms.

I miss seeing weathermen yelling and struggling against the wind as they report live from the landfall site of a hurricane. Normally I hope a large piece of debris comes to carry them off. More so, with such scorching hot weather, many places in the country are experiencing drought conditions.

Shape up, hurricanes. You've got some havoc to wreak.

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Friday, August 10, 2007

MasterChugs Theater: 'The Kentucky Fried Movie'

Three years before the trio of comedy writers of Jim Abrahams, David Zucker and Jerry Zucker (Top Secret!, Ruthless People) would score their mega-hit Airplane!, they made The Kentucky Fried Movie, a sporadically funny, screwball vignette comedy flick which would give us a preview of the type of projects they would score with time and time again. This is a series of spoofs and satirical takes on popular television shows and films, with a ton of commercial parodies thrown in. Think of it as a very adult version of "Saturday Night Live" at the movies, and you'll get the idea.

Claude LaMont: I live ze unknown, I love ze unknown, I am ze unknown
Paul Burmaster: Where do you live?
Claude LaMont: Zat ... is unknown. I do not know.

A movie that helped give the Zucker brothers a foot in Hollywood's door, this long-revered television and movie satire combines sex and bathroom humor with timeless sight gags and slapstick. The uproarious film spoofs everything from television commercials, movie trailers, porn, and pop culture in general in a series of hysterical sketches. Infamous sketches include "Cleopatra Schwartz," a blaxploitation spoof featuring a sexy Amazon married to a rabbi; and the extended kung fu film parody "A Fistful of Yen." Raunchy humor and hysterical commentary on the media are served up with reckless abandon by the likes of Henry Gibson and Donald Sutherland, among countless others.

Dr. Klahn: The CIA thinks they can infiltrate the Mountain of Dr. Klahn!
CIA Agent: You can't scare me, you slant-eyed yellow bastard.
Dr. Klahn: Take him to ... Detroit!
CIA Agent: No! No, not Detroit! No! No, please! Anything but that! No! No!

There is a parody on educational films, news commercials, a young couple making love in front of their television, a trailer for a film called "Armageddon" and a few others. One of the more humorous skits involves an infomercial on how to keep a dead person as an active member of the family. The cast is filled with people who have went on to become notables in the film industry. Those responsible for directing and writing the film have cameos, but so do some better-known people. The Incredible Hulk himself, Bill Bixby, makes a short cameo. Donald Sutherland falls into a cake and the man who portrayed James Bond only once; George Lazenby appears on-screen in an authentically drunken stupor.

Husband: Well, what's our little skeptic doing today?
Housewife: She's frying the cat in pure Wesson oil. (cat screams)

Gawk! at the outrageous seventies hairstyles. Tremble! as wits sharper than yours stab from beyond the screen. Guffaw! when Big Jim visits. Run! when you assassinate the President in the exciting board game. Laugh! as you see that this is a hilarious movie.

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Attention citizens of Montenegro

It's safe to return to the waters again. Do not give in to the enemy propaganda like the Discovery Channel, there is no threat or sharks. Sun bathers can once again enjoy the beautiful waters of the Adriatic Sea, clearly a tourist destination.

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All binge no purge

Here's a fun fact for you on your Friday (ha, alliteration!): According to a new study, most binge drinker prefer drinking beer, if for no other reason than it is more accessible than other kinds of alcohol.

Though no survey has been taken of The Guys' drinks of choice. It seems this blog is certainly not in the majority on this one, with a clearly announced preference for whiskey.

By the way, binge drinking is defines as five or more drinks. Let that be a reminder to all you lightweights out there.

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She thinks my tractor's dangerous

The Germans are weird. We already know that. However, it seems there is little the Germans do that isn't just a tad off from the norm, including arrests.

Police tried to pull over a farmer for driving his tractor without a license, but the farmer would have none of it. Instead, he led them on a seven-hour chase that wrecked three police cars and involved an armored car and helicopters. The farmer also used the muck spreader and hydraulic fork against the arresting officers.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Panda jerk

Pandas. They're cute and cuddly, and their complacency in War on Animals comes in the form of their reluctance to mate in captivity. Perhaps we should consider these self-hating animals our allies. After all, scientists say those black circles around their eyes are most likely caused by staying up all night crying and wallowing in shame.

But wait just one minute. The emoest of the animal kingdom could just be lulling us into a false sense of security. Take Jinzhu the panda, for example. She passed herself off as a male for a long time, only to one day be outed as a female and later give birth to cubs.

These pandas are dangerous. They are like the Terminators. They try to pass themselves off as one thing and gain our trust, then they betray us as soon as possible.

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Congratulations everyone!

We did it! That's one down, at least 50 more species to go.

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Remember when ...

... "Made in China" was still better than "Made with pride in the USA?"

Yeah ... not so much lately. Let the year of "BUY AMERICAN, NO SERIOUSLY, JUST ACTUALLY TRY IT FOR ONCE" continue!

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Red Cross sees ... er, red

Finally, a company with our best interests at heart is finally fighting the machine. By the machine, we mean the Red Cross.

Tired of the Red Cross making money by selling products that help people, and spending that money on further helping people, Johnson and Johnson is demanding all money made from those sales and then some.

The Red Cross is obviously distressed, and is crying to "the courts and Congress." Of course, Johnson and Johnson has a product that will help.

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Monkeys on a Plane

Authorities caught a traitor and his would-be accomplice this week when a man brought a monkey on a plane with him.

According to the reports, the man hid the monkey in his ponytail when they went through security. We all know that the ponytail is one place security people would never think to look for an illegal mammal, regardless of how implausible the idea may sound.

The monkey left his hiding place during the flight and the pair were caught. When they landed in New York they met with some rough treatment.

Key quote: "'We've contacted health officials, and man and monkey will be turned over to appropriate officials. He was never on the loose in the airport,' DiFulco said."

This is incredible news, the monkey is being prosecuted along with the man. The government may finally be catching up to this war.

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Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Take it from Snee: Fight terror with terror (and RAM!)

After two weeks, I'm proud to announce that the Rick Snee Antidisestablishmentarian Militia has really taken off. Already, 70 heroes have pledged to defend the entire Second Amendment, unlike the NRA and similar groups.

Which brings us to our first order of business: our name. Personally, I love the name, but it's a little ... how do you say? Long. It's time to shorten that puppy down into one intimidating abbreviation. After much deliberation and some Harry Potter-inspired nominations, the group's press name shall be RAM. (The "Snee" is silent.)

Not only is RAM shorter, but it bears double significance as an acronym that lets the nation know that our movement is a ram, beating at the gates of fear-mongering by those who would disarm us. At least until they pour hot oil on us (the use of which we also advocate).

Next up: what issues shall we tackle? After much brainstorming at my think tank (me, Johnny, Jack, Jim and Jose), I've realized there's one thing I hate more than anything else: terrorism. Yes--not to risk going against the grain, but--I hate terrorists, terror and terrifying things in general unless I'm the terrible one.

If it weren't for terrorists, we wouldn't have to stand in lines at the airport. Lines to give them our baggage, lines to get in the terminal, lines to sit down and put our shoes back on, lines for random body cavity searches (would they just search me already?!). Lines and terrorism have to go.

And so my collegues and I have devised a plan.

Everyone knows that most violent crimes could be prevented if more people were armed. It is a proven fact that armed crime rates could hypothetically go down if there might be more weapons in the streets, potentially maybe. That's right: I'm not afraid to use facts.

It's time for action, and that is why we will lobby the FAA to permit all passengers to carry their constitutionally-protected arms on aircraft. No searches equals no lines. And if all passengers are armed, then terrorists will never be able to carry their weapons on board, thanks to terror. Bingo, terrorism solved. You're welcome. Our aircraft will become the safest in the world, other than Quantas.

This plan doesn't just apply to aircraft. Believe it or not, there's domestic crime, too. The sure-fire way to prevent Americans from maiming each other with weapons is to guarantee their right to carry as many weapons as they want. Could bank robberies happen if anyone could walk in with a gun? Absolutely not. What about at public schools where weapons could be traded like sack lunches? Not on your life. Why live our lives with coulds when we should be living with shoulds?

Terrorism can only be prevented with more terror; armed crime can only be prevented with more arms. And those are arms that the Second Amendment and RAM will fight for.

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No longer filled full of lead

A German woman had ended a 55-year relationship with a pencil. Stop it, that's not what I mean, you perverts.

A pencil embedded in her cheek and brain for 55 years was finally removed now that medical technology has advanced. The woman is said to be recovering safely, but is really tired of people asking her for a pencil.

You're only as young as you feel

Baby boomers have stopped having sex ever since being afflicted with the dreaded condition known as "old and tired." Guess we know which generation isn't the greatest in the sack.

In other news, the image of your parents copulating can still give you nightmares.

In more other news, your mom never lost her step and is a beast beneath the sheets.

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Life imitating art?



He'd probably get away with it if he didn't have the gigantic POLICE on the side of the car. Just saying, is all.

Sometimes toys can blow your mind

Strange things have been known to come out of the sea. Heck, monsters are occasionally around for tourists to take poor-quality photographs and videos, thereby giving a boost to the local economy.

Earlier this week, a giant Lego man was pulled from the sea off the coast of a Dutch resort. The man was saved and brought to shore, where he was resuscitated and now stands guarding the drinks stall.

The Lego man is wearing a shirt that says "NO REAL THAN YOU ARE." How's that for deep?

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

That's sonar fair!

We've always known that the environmentalists and other beast-saving groups are traitors in the War on Animals, but it seems now they have transformed themselves into something much more than that. They are now a human wing of the animal cause bent on using our own legal system against us.

A federal judge yesterday ordered the U.S. Navy to stop using sonar that could potentially hurt or kill marine life, like whales and dolphins. It can make them deaf or even cause them to beach themselves. So why is it OK for our enemies to use sonar?

Isn't that what the Navy is supposed to do? Fight our enemies wherever they might be? They've kind of been shut out of the action in the fun wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, it's only natural they want to make up for it by taking the fight to our enemies in this most deadly of wars. Besides, sonar is just like playing Marco Polo.

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It wasn't me, it was the one-limbed man

It's getting clearer and clearer that there are threats against normal, everyday people in the form of subversive groups. First it was the witchdoctors, then the zombies (which are still out there and hunger for your brains), now it seems society is facing its deadliest foe: the handicapped.

We were shocked to discover yesterday that the blind feel it is their right to operate a motor vehicle, despite the complete lack of seeing roads, signs or pedestrians. Now, they almost comically deprived of limbs feel they have the same right to drive.

A Florida man with no arms and one leg was sentenced to five years in prison for various traffic violations. What's worse is it seems he said a habit of poor driving, surprisingly enough.

Key quote: "He once had a valid license, but it has been suspended several times since 1985, according to his attorney. He starts the car with his toes, shifts with his knee and steers with the stump of his left arm. He turns on the lights with his teeth."

How hardcore is that cop?

He's so hardcore that he has to wear Hello Kitty on his arm.

Possible ramifications to ponder about:

-What will all future Thai loose cannon cop genre films look like?
-What will the Thai edit of Die Hard look like?
-Wouldn't it be more effective to have cops wear the armbands on the outside of the police department, like on the streets, than just in the building?

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Show respect for police officers

Great news, gang! If you flip off and curse out a law enforcement officer for no apparent reason, the police department will actually pay YOU.

A man in Mobile, Alabama found this out recently, after he was awarded $10,000 from the Mobile Police Department. He was arrested after flipping off and swearing at a cop and sought damages for being put in jail and nearly fired from his job.

Of course, this new precedent has not been tested outside of Alabama, so we are sure our Alabama resident, Rick Snee, will test it out for us, we need you to test it wherever you are.

Monday, August 06, 2007

The gift that keeps on pooping

Every country comprised of humans can be considered an ally in the War on Animals. Certainly our ally in China has had a checked past. First they effectively kill off river dolphins, then they send the world's tallest man to help a stuck porpoise.

Now they are dancing the line once again, brave warriors. The Chengdu Giant Panda Breeding Base is selling various souvenir products made from panda poop. You read that correctly, not only are the Chinese intentionally trying to save a species we have worked so hard to keep eliminate, but they are trying to profit from these monsters.

This blog is forced to assume that they are breeding the giant pandas to enslave them and use the profits from their dung to provide us all panda slaves one day.

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See me driving?

In other global blind person news, there are some of them out there that feel it's their privilege to drive.

No. No no no. NO. Not even with a seeing-eye teenager should you attempt this, blind people. Remember people, if there's a chance that you drive worse than an old person, or even just as badly as one, you shouldn't be behind a wheel of a car.

Key quote: "At first they thought he was just drunk, but the man kept missing the tube for the breath test, then they realized he was blind."

When I cry, you cry, we cry together

Apparently, you're not the only one that didn't like Super Mario Bros. The Movie. Bob Hoskins feels acting in the movie was just as painful as watching it. Personally, I can go with that. After all, it was probably the first time I can actively remember being let down by a movie. No Dennis Hopper, no!

How can you tell if a blind used your computer?

Stevie Wonder, who is still waiting for Ferris Bueller to die, is going on tour again. He expects to see you when he comes to your town.

To abort or not to abort

Mitt Romney is having trouble deciding whether he is for or against killing babies:

I was prochoice. I am prolife. I never said I was prochoice, but my position was effectively prochoice. I've changed my position," [Romney] said.

Let's help him figure this out. Copy the following text to paste here:

Governor Romney:

You seemed to have trouble yesterday figuring out whether you are pro-life or pro-choice. As a service to your campaign, religious faith, and personal decision-making abilities, I will now state the obvious so you can shut the hell up and pick one.

When you are running for governor of Massachussetts, you are pro-choice because New England witches loves them some fried baby.

When you are running for President of the United States, you are pro-life, because nothing is more American than orphans working their way up from rags to riches.

And when you are done being an a--hole, you're a politician, so quit pretending it was a mistake.

Sincerely,

[Your name here]
A SeriouslyGuys Reader

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The McBournie Minute: Speedos

Welcome back. I know you didn't actually go anywhere, but I did, so it felt like you went away. I missed you so.

I spent all of last week enjoying the beach and the sun in Ogunquit, Maine. As many of you may know, Maine is a state that borders Canada, which I suspect is a foreign country. This meant I was surrounded by not only American tourists like myself, but those of the Canadian variety.

Though they reside only a matter of miles from the United States, they clearly have different views on appropriate swimming attire. I am speaking, of course, about banana hammocks. Everyone I saw wearing one of these skimpy man-bikinis was either saying "eh" or speaking French.

I don't care what one does behind closed doors, if you're into wearing that, go right ahead, but bringing that out into a public forum for non-comedic purposes is unacceptable. Not only do guys like me hate seeing it, but I am fairly sure women don't like it either. Perhaps it's not the women or the heterosexual guys they are trying to impress.

At one point, I saw an Ogunquit police officer on the beach writing a Canadian a ticket. I hope it was for two counts of squash smuggling.

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Thursday, August 02, 2007

Sir Elton John: not gay for the internet

Sadly, it doth appear that the Queen didn't knight Elton John for his brains...

Never fear everyone,as I'm sure the tubes will be clogged with something or other long before his five year moratorium is up. I'm personally putting money on pictures of kittens....with miniature box turtles on their heads!

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ALL YOUR MINUTES ARE BELONG TO US

It's ingenious, it's creative, it's crafty like a fox....but just how do the implementers not laugh when they're on the phone? Plus, how does this involve cocaine, since it does arise in Columbia, and anything that has to do with Columbia must involve cocaine.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Attention normal people of the world

In case your day didn't suck enough, go ahead and find out why other people are luckier than you.

Santa Claus versus the Russians

A Russian expedition is due to plant a flag on the North Pole today. Though the gesture is purely symbolic, the expedition's mission is to prove that large portions of the polar region are connected to Mother Russia via an underwater mountain range, the Lomonosov Ridge.

Putin has already submitted plans to Kris Kringle for this winter's hot toy.

Point/Counterpoint: 'Bench it like Beckham'

Point: L.A. soccer fans are upset because David Beckham hasn't played yet.

Counterpoint: An immigrant is doing horribly at an American job, thus assuring that most other Brits will remain at home or unemployed here.